The past year that DB has been on deployment i was 110% sure that this is the guy I am supposed to marry. Now I'm not so sure.

Some of you know I recently found out that he cheated on me about 2 months before he deployed. That wasn't really the main problem, the main problem is that he lied to me about not only that but soooo many other things around that time.

I just feel like I don't really even know who he is anymore. I just have a lot of doubt about our relationship. :sigh I always always said i would never ever change a thing about our relationship while he was gone because he's not here to defend himself. I just can't wait until he gets home so I can find out what to do.

It's like stupid stuff like he was going and staying with his buddies when he told me he was going to see his parents, or going to strip clubs without telling me. And after all of this is out in the open and he seems to understand that everytime he tells a little itsy bitsy lie he kills me a little... i find out today some more stuff that he didn't tell me about... just wierd stuff that isn't a big deal.. but it's driving me crazy.

How can I ever trust him again? How can I go back to being sure that he's the one??

I guess this is just a vent. I'm just havin a real hard time gettin through these last couple of months while having to deal with not really even knowing who i'm waiting for. :confused I'm just so frusterated.

Any advice or good vibes are totally welcome! :hehe

I'm so sorry! I wish I had advice for you. All I can say is that there can't be a relationship without trust. Once that trust is broken it shatters the relationship. If he's cheated on you once before, who's to say he wouldn't do it again? You don't deserve that! My ex lied to me in similar ways about stupid things that he didn't have to lie about. I don't understand why people do that!

Long deployments are never easy. I hope you get clarity sooner than later for your own sanity! :hugehug

Ooooh, I have been through the lying thing. That is a BIG deal breaker for me. More than cheating even. I can't deal with someone lying to my face. I should have my husband come on here and post something to you. He has had his own issues with lying in the past, and over some of the STUPIDEST things too, and he could probably give you some insight into how to approach this with your SO. It rarely has anything to do with the person who is being lied to, and is more of a self esteem issue than anything else.

Bottom line, I think, you need to be happy. If you still just aren't feeling right about it all after you get the chance to sit with him and talk this out, then it is better to get out right away than drag it along. Any changes he needs to make in his life to fix what he has broken he is just as capable of doing with or without you. If you are miserable because of it, find your own happiness. If it's meant to be, it will work out. Life is too short to spend so much of it unsure instead of seeking out the right path for you.

Whatever happens, :hugs . I can sympathize.

Ooooh, I have been through the lying thing. That is a BIG deal breaker for me. More than cheating even. I can't deal with someone lying to my face. I should have my husband come on here and post something to you. He has had his own issues with lying in the past, and over some of the STUPIDEST things too, and he could probably give you some insight into how to approach this with your SO. It rarely has anything to do with the person who is being lied to, and is more of a self esteem issue than anything else.

Bottom line, I think, you need to be happy. If you still just aren't feeling right about it all after you get the chance to sit with him and talk this out, then it is better to get out right away than drag it along. Any changes he needs to make in his life to fix what he has broken he is just as capable of doing with or without you. If you are miserable because of it, find your own happiness. If it's meant to be, it will work out. Life is too short to spend so much of it unsure instead of seeking out the right path for you.

Whatever happens, :hugs . I can sympathize.


Seriously! What is the deal with the little lies?!?! It is way more hurtful than the cheating bit even. I just don't understand why he doesn't understand that even the littlest shit he MUST tell me now right when it happens!! How did you get over it with your husband? How can you trust him after going through that? I just feel like either way I'm in limbo until he gets home...What do you mean by self esteem issue?

Seriously! What is the deal with the little lies?!?! It is way more hurtful than the cheating bit even. I just don't understand why he doesn't understand that even the littlest shit he MUST tell me now right when it happens!! How did you get over it with your husband? How can you trust him after going through that? I just feel like either way I'm in limbo until he gets home...What do you mean by self esteem issue?

Getting over it is hard, but his effort in making it all better is what has really helped me get past it all. I know that he wants to be the best man he can be, and his actions show it. He isn't perfect and has slipped up, but he is quick to correct himself and I see him working towards his goals without my constant pushing. It's been a huge turn around, from him completely shutting down and pushing me away to asking me to help him and searching for ways to grow as a person all by himself. That and I love the doofus. I can't help it. LOL.

I know that with my husband, he has a lot of self esteem issues. He has an incredibly huge fear of failure and being judged as a failure. That has led to all kinds of weird logic on his part. Things like it's better to give up than to try and fail. At least that way HE is in control of the failure instead of someone else letting him down. If someone sees him as a failure, it's because he wanted them to, and not because he isn't good enough. That way he can trick himself into thinking that THEY are bad for judging him instead of seeing himself as unworthy. I hope that made sense...

He was physically abused as a child, and abandoned by his drug addict mom. I know that is where a lot of it stems from. People always think he is such a cool guy. So self assured because he NEVER shows his emotions and that makes people think that he doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him. In reality, he cares so much that he shuts down all together. When you shut yourself off, lying comes easily. But, it's just a symptom of a bigger problem. It has only been fairly recently that he has started to realize that I am not just another person who is going to judge him. The concept of what a wife is, that one person who loves you INCLUDING your flaws, not in spite of them, is sinking in and he is starting to embrace it instead of letting it scare him and send him into hiding. He never grasped the concept of family even in his childhood because his family isn't close at all. So, he didn't know how to see me as family since he didn't know what that was. Now, he has adopted the whole "us against the world" mentality, instead of the "me against the world" thing he had going on before. It's a hard thing to transition to, especially because his whole life he has had to protect himself emotionally from everyone, even his own mom. And going from his dad's house, to the Army, and then right to marriage hasn't done anything in the whole "find yourself" department. He has only really started to find out who he is, and who he wants to be, since he got out of the military.

I hope I explained that well...

Getting over it is hard, but his effort in making it all better is what has really helped me get past it all. I know that he wants to be the best man he can be, and his actions show it. He isn't perfect and has slipped up, but he is quick to correct himself and I see him working towards his goals without my constant pushing. It's been a huge turn around, from him completely shutting down and pushing me away to asking me to help him and searching for ways to grow as a person all by himself. That and I love the doofus. I can't help it. LOL.

I know that with my husband, he has a lot of self esteem issues. He has an incredibly huge fear of failure and being judged as a failure. That has led to all kinds of weird logic on his part. Things like it's better to give up than to try and fail. At least that way HE is in control of the failure instead of someone else letting him down. If someone sees him as a failure, it's because he wanted them to, and not because he isn't good enough. That way he can trick himself into thinking that THEY are bad for judging him instead of seeing himself as unworthy. I hope that made sense...

He was physically abused as a child, and abandoned by his drug addict mom. I know that is where a lot of it stems from. People always think he is such a cool guy. So self assured because he NEVER shows his emotions and that makes people think that he doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him. In reality, he cares so much that he shuts down all together. When you shut yourself off, lying comes easily. But, it's just a symptom of a bigger problem. It has only been fairly recently that he has started to realize that I am not just another person who is going to judge him. The concept of what a wife is, that one person who loves you INCLUDING your flaws, not in spite of them, is sinking in and he is starting to embrace it instead of letting it scare him and send him into hiding. He never grasped the concept of family even in his childhood because his family isn't close at all. So, he didn't know how to see me as family since he didn't know what that was. Now, he has adopted the whole "us against the world" mentality, instead of the "me against the world" thing he had going on before. It's a hard thing to transition to, especially because his whole life he has had to protect himself emotionally from everyone, even his own mom. And going from his dad's house, to the Army, and then right to marriage hasn't done anything in the whole "find yourself" department. He has only really started to find out who he is, and who he wants to be, since he got out of the military.

I hope I explained that well...

Wow :hugs this has really helped alot. Honestly it sounds like you're describing my boyfriend. His parents are very judgemental and have been telling him negative things his entire life even to the point where i got in a fight with his dad once about whether or not he has a mental disability (he definately doesn't ) but his parents say shit like that to him all the time! they want him to reenlist because he wants to go back to school and they are sure that he'll fail. it's really frusterating.

I never considered that those insecurities would translate into lying to me. I always just thought he didn't trust me not to over-react. Whenever we had a fight in the past, he would always just shut down and i knew that was a result of how he was raised... this is some major food for thought.

So, in retrospect, do you think that it would have been better for him to live alone after the army before getting married? We've been talking about marriage (before all this mess came out) and i'm afraid that things are going too fast for him to really be sure of who he is, even though we've been dating so long.

I just feel like there's so much he's not telling me. How did you know when your DH was lying to you?

Wow :hugs this has really helped alot. Honestly it sounds like you're describing my boyfriend. His parents are very judgemental and have been telling him negative things his entire life even to the point where i got in a fight with his dad once about whether or not he has a mental disability (he definately doesn't ) but his parents say shit like that to him all the time! they want him to reenlist because he wants to go back to school and they are sure that he'll fail. it's really frusterating.

I never considered that those insecurities would translate into lying to me. I always just thought he didn't trust me not to over-react. Whenever we had a fight in the past, he would always just shut down and i knew that was a result of how he was raised... this is some major food for thought.

So, in retrospect, do you think that it would have been better for him to live alone after the army before getting married? We've been talking about marriage (before all this mess came out) and i'm afraid that things are going too fast for him to really be sure of who he is, even though we've been dating so long.

I just feel like there's so much he's not telling me. How did you know when your DH was lying to you?

My husband wasn't very smart about his lies. They were always about something I would eventually find out about. One time he lied about sending a package to my sister (my nephews birthday gift), and when my sister never got it I checked the car and there it was, a month later. Another time he lied about depositing his paycheck. Well, online banking... DUH. He also lied about faxing something once, and then I heard him talking to the guy he was supposed to fax the form to later that day, telling him that he would fax it the next day. It was always really stupid things that I could EASILY check up on. He had a few bigger ones a few years ago, like when he got dropped from school for not logging in to class, too. Another one I would find out about since he didn't get the GI Bill that month, but he lied because he was so ashamed.

Thinking about it, I don't know if it would have been better if he had lived alone. I think that is a possibility, but growing up in his family with so little idea of who he was or what he wanted it could have been a disaster too. I just know that going from the house he grew up in straight to the Army wasn't what he expected and that sent him deeper into his emotional problems. His step-mom was mentally abusive to him and treated him like crap, and then he joined the Army and they treated him like crap. The same thing could have happened if he lived on his own, though. So, who knows. What I do know is that when we got married I wasn't aware of a lot of his issues. I thought he was just lazy or stubborn or whatever, and I didn't help the situation at all at first. I think I expected things from him that he simply didn't know how to do. Like opening up to me. Or even feeling his emotions. He had been shut off for so long he had no idea how to even decipher what he was feeling.

I was forced to grow up very quickly. I was also abandoned by my biological parents just like he was his mom, but I had the chance to face them as an adult. He didn't. I lost the parents that raised me at a young age and was faced with death in a very real way. He has never dealt with that. My bio mom also died when I was young, and I had to come to terms with what she did to me as a child. Adam's mom is still around and still the same as she ever was. Having gone through so many struggles myself growing up I thought it should be easier for him to get through his own somehow. I am now realizing that I got a lot of closure that he hasn't been able to get, and I am seeing how much all of that has effected him.

I just keep reminding him through it all that despite all of his issues, WITH all of his issues, he has still managed to make an awesome life for himself and that is something to be PROUD of. He should focus on that and not just focus on the bad stuff. He served his country honorably, he was top of his class in college without even trying, he was teaching classes while he was still attending, and now here he is with an awesome wife (if I do say so myself :P ) and an amazing job in his chosen career field and he doesn't even have his degree yet. He is a genius, he is caring, and every day is a new chance to do something great. He has never had anyone really acknowledge all of these things. Just expect them.

Anyway, sorry about the novel. LOL. I can really relate to you though. It's a tough road, and only you know if you and your SO have that special connection that is SO hard to find. That makes it worth it. EVERYONE has their issues, and they manifest themselves in so many different ways. If you can talk to him about this and get some honesty from him, if he really wants to be a better man and do right by you, and you feel the same way yourself, then it is entirely possible to make it happen. It's not easy, but when are the things in life that are truly worth it ever easy, right? It can be such an amazing experience for you two to go through together if you both take advantage of it. As mad as I was at Adam for being such a lying butthole, I gotta say, getting through all of that has helped both of us get to know each other in ways we never thought we would. We are coming out of the whole thing SO much stronger than we thought possible. I think that relationships and marriage aren't easy for a reason. It takes work to learn and grow into the best you that you can be, and doing that together is what makes a marriage strong enough to withstand anything.

Anyway, sorry about the novel. LOL. I can really relate to you though. It's a tough road, and only you know if you and your SO have that special connection that is SO hard to find. That makes it worth it. EVERYONE has their issues, and they manifest themselves in so many different ways. If you can talk to him about this and get some honesty from him, if he really wants to be a better man and do right by you, and you feel the same way yourself, then it is entirely possible to make it happen. It's not easy, but when are the things in life that are truly worth it ever easy, right? It can be such an amazing experience for you two to go through together if you both take advantage of it. As mad as I was at Adam for being such a lying butthole, I gotta say, getting through all of that has helped both of us get to know each other in ways we never thought we would. We are coming out of the whole thing SO much stronger than we thought possible. I think that relationships and marriage aren't easy for a reason. It takes work to learn and grow into the best you that you can be, and doing that together is what makes a marriage strong enough to withstand anything.

Thank you soooo much for the novel!!! :giggle This really helps to put alot of things into perspective. We love eachother soo much and we both work so hard in the relationship, so i hope we can make it through. I really just need him to understand the meaning of full disclosure. I want to know him, but i feel like he's still pushing me away... :sigh this is gonna be alot of work.

:hugs your advice has kept me sane this evening!! thank you so much!

Alright, I've got to add in my own two cents.

You know that "lying butthole" that Trina was talking about? Uh, yeah, Hi. Nice to meet you. :P

Anyways, I have a different perspective, since I'm a liar.

The number one reason why I lie is because I'm afraid.

Now, remember that how I react to fears is irrational... I would rather avoid trying to succeed than risk failure...

When I'm lying, I'm mostly afraid of being judged. I know that Trina doesn't judge me when I'm just being myself... but when I'm lying, Trina's automatic reaction is to dig deeper, which makes me feel judged, so I'm much more likely to keep up the lie and start new ones.

I realize that I'm the only person who can manage my fears... Trina can't make me any more or any less afraid, and she can't choose whether I lie or not. All that she can do is point out when she has caught me lying, and point out (usually extremely heatedly) just how much the lies hurt. She can't change me, so she supports me instead, making it clear that she doesn't want to judge me at all, and that she'll always be available to help me out.

Probably the biggest turning point for me was when I realized that I was actually afraid of Trina. Yes, she's loud and it hurts when she hits my arm, but she isn't physically intimidating to me... I'm afraid of hurting her feelings, to the point where I was starting to push her out of my life (Yes, remember that my emotional logic is very irrational).

Now, I just have to remember that the only way that I can hurt Trina is by being afraid of hurting her. I need to remind myself every week, not because I've messed up, but just to make certain that I don't mess up. I need her to remind me as well... It's a constant struggle that is slowly, slowly getting easier over time, just like fighting an addiction like smoking. It is easy, but it takes constant work.

Anyways, sorry for rambling on... I hope this helps.

The problem with any lie, is that eventually the truth has to come out.

You can lose so much in a relationship, but as soon as the trust is broken, so is the relationship.

With out trust, and understanding, you'll go crazy.
Worried about who he's with, and if he told you the truth in the first place.

I suggest when he gets home, and you both decide that the relationship is worth saving, that you re-build a level of trust again.

The problem with any lie, is that eventually the truth has to come out.

You can lose so much in a relationship, but as soon as the trust is broken, so is the relationship.

With out trust, and understanding, you'll go crazy.
Worried about who he's with, and if he told you the truth in the first place.

I suggest when he gets home, and you both decide that the relationship is worth saving, that you re-build a level of trust again.

I agree. Trust is huge in a relationship. I think he needs to know that, after what he did to you, that he has to earn it back. Are you willing to forgive him for past mistakes? I hope things work for you. Good luck. :)