Advice from anyone would be great! I am a newlywed...married in Sept...2 days before my husband was deployed. He is not new to deployments...has been in for some time. We dated and lived together for three years before the wedding. Months before deploying, he was separating himself emotionally and just being plain mean, but I stood by him because I had been told by others that this was normal. Same with him being there, acting like a jerk. I have stood by him for the last three months and tried to explain his actions to my family and help them to understand, but today I found out he has been lying terribly to me and I am not sure where to go for help. He had told me the lines for email and phone where going to be done for a month, but his reserve unit today told me he has been emailing them regularly. He told me he couldn't send money or help in any way from there or do anything with his bank account, couldn't do power of attorney, couldn't do anything. When we got married, he told me he was sending the power of attorney immediately to me as soon as he had the wedding certificate, which he had that day in hand. He never has and now makes excuses why he can't. Then he tells me that he can't change his bank account from there, but his unit says they can help him with it and they emailed him but he replied back that he wanted them to mind their own business. I don't know what rights I have or what I can do, but when we first got married, I moved our stuff out of our apartment and into a storage unit and he said he was getting me into housing immediately...now I have been sleeping on my parent's futon in their attic with my 10 year old son for three months. Usually I take the floor so my son can have the bed, but it's freezing in the attic. I have since had to get rid of our pets. I have looked into reduced income housing but have been ineligible because of our marriage. I am between a rock and a hard place. My question to everyone is this....is this normal behavior when a man is deployed or am I being played for a fool? I am torn. I know him in one way at least...if I find out that I can get help somewhere and go through with it, he will resent me forever and want a divorce. If I stand by him, I am upsetting family and end up homeless. I don't know where to get help and/or advice. I love this man and am trying to understand, but I can't live like this for too long. If he supported us by helping us financially, I could deal with him needing distance and being grouchy all the time until he got home, and even then if he needed space and understanding I could do it. The hard part is the lies and the fact that I am homeless. Where do you go for help with a reservist? Thanks everyone!

well welcome to SOS. This whole situation screams red flag to me. Yes men will usually distance themselves before a deployment and even during. But the fact that someone is willing to help set things up for you and and he doesnt want the help for YOU when he is gone just seems wrong. You may need to talk to batallion because he is almost required to take care of you. YOU are HIS dependent. If you ever need to talk girl feel free to PM me but this situation just seems wrong to me.

Thanks for the advice..I have that voice telling me that I am a fool that I keep ignoring, but then you get torn because your heart is involved. How does someone find out who to contact or who in the battalion, or just even where it would be? The only thing my husband did was sign one form that I got a copy of that gave him the extra money in his account for having my son and I as dependents (the housing allowance?) and I saw that he had signed that he acknowledged that he promised to support us. The only thing that was mailed to me with that was his deployment orders. But the two people left behind at his unit said they couldn't help me without a power of attorney, so now I don't know where to go. I am feeling pretty ignorant about all of this and left in the dark.

Sorry it's not just about him at this point! YOU AND YOUR SON don't have your our place to live. If your parent couldn't let you stay there where would you been? You need to talk to him, if he doesn't what to help get a place for you and your son. If he doesn't like it then so be it.

If you know he's receiving e-mails, I'd send him one laying it all on the line telling him he had "x" amount of time to contact you and set things straight or you're gone.

If you know he's receiving e-mails, I'd send him one laying it all on the line telling him he had "x" amount of time to contact you and set things straight or you're gone.

That's kind of my opinion, it sucks that he is doing that to you and your son, and it throws up a HUGE red flag for me. I hope everything works out for you.

The military is not very understanding of soldiers who do not take care of their families. You need to start in your Battalion Commanders office. If I am not mistaken - he can get kicked out of the military for this behaviour.

Welcome to SOS. Sounds like there is something going on with him. Yes it is true for men to distant themselfs before they deploy, but what hes doing is just plain wrong and hurtful. I would let him know how it is and what the deal is. I hope he gets his act together. Good Luck.

:hugs you need to do what is best for you and your son...forget him if he isn't there to support you! he should be getting money for you to live off of and for being separated from you on deployment, so he is making almost double because of your marriage and that is bullshit if he isn't sending any of it to you (at least this is true for active duty, but i would assume for reservists as well!) :goodluck

welcome to SOS, i am not sure how the army does things, but in the navy if we have issues we are told to contact our ombudsman, she will in turn contact the command. if that does not work we are to go directly to his/her superiors, if that does not work then we go to the command master chief. first i would start with legal! see what your rights are and what he has to give you and find out exactly how much extra he is getting, because i can promise you he is getting extra money for having dependants! then i don't know if you guys have an ombudsman or not, but you can always contact the command chaplain and they can help you as well. that might actually be the best place to start actually. i hope things get better for you, you don't deserve that.

I think the other girls have given great advice.

I would tell him that since he's not taking care of you and you're sleeping on a futon in an attic that you're going to start talking to people and to find out what can be done. I think it's :bullcrap that he's not taking care of you - i know they're busy over there and sometimes they don't have the people available to take care of certain paperwork, but if there is a will there is a way.

:bigsadhug

The woman who said red flag I agree with! I know that everyone's situation is different BUT he is not being fair to you. I don't think he is being honest. I know that my DB is in the army and he can get me a power of attorney from Iraq because we talked about my selling his truck for him from here. I think your woman's intuition is telling you to question his behavior and its on target. Can you confront him thru an email? I was married very very young to a man in the marines I knew NOTHING about military anything and I struggled to get a divorse until 2 years later I called his CO just before he was getting out. I didn't know I had rights as a military spouse to seek legal council thru the military maybe you have the same rights? Hope it works out for you. You must be in so much pain. I'm sure you love him and you must feel very betrayed. Maybe with some work you can find a solution. I sure hope so!!!!

Legally he is required to take care of you and your son...and like others have suggested, go through the proper channels. Screw him if he doesn't like it. Take care of you and your son now and if it leads to divorce when he gets home, so be it.

Just bumping for those who do know the details but...

He is REQUIRED to provide for you financially. You're his dependent. The military is paying for you and they expect him to use it for his family, not just himself.

He does have ability to deal with his banking and paperwork and whatnot there, to some extent at least. His command should help him.

The military will have to provide you with housing on base, or BAH (money for housing off base). He should be getting the money or the place or something, if he has you as a dependent. And it should be going to you.

Do you have your military ID? If not, you need to talk to his superiors, but you can get your ID and your housing sorted without a POA, I believe.

That's all I've learned from the other ladies on here with similar issues. But, bumping to remind you that you do have rights and you need to take advantage of them, and hoping people with better details will pop in. :D Good luck and welcome!

oh, I agree with Taressa, you do have Point of contacts.. start with the chaplin, he can help you contact the legal dept and they can contact his command. It does not matter what branch of the service, they are obligated to take care of thier dependants and can get into serious trouble for not doing so. I know a guy at my Dh's old command who tried to pull this crap and the CO made him set up a allotment that went to his newwife. Actually I am going to PM you with the rest.

yeah they will make him send you money home, normally its all the BAH and then a certain percentage. you should never ever be homeless in the military. you might struggle to make ends meet and not have enough to do some luxary things, and sometimes that mean pork and beans and top ramen for food. but never homeless. you can also go to family services on the base your closet too and they can help you get some food and stuff like that. he married you meaning he vowed to help take care of you. not cool that he goes away and is pocketing money that should be going to take care of you and your little one. he gets extra money in his BAH for having dependants for a reason.. HUGS girls. go to the chaplain first or to legal first. i would start with the chaplain. but you need to recongize the command can't help you if they don't know about it. so they need to be informed.