KateTheGreat
12-18-2007, 02:37 AM
I was answering some questions for a friend, and I thought of you ladies. I just wanted to post this for you because she has some questions that I get asked a LOT. I hope i'm not overstepping and maybe it can help. Kate
Ps- you ladies amaze me, the strength and the love in here is SO inspiring. Best to you all!
___________
Background, she's engaged to a soldier with PTSD, he doesn't want to see a counselor and doesn't know where to start (understandably!) His father died when he was young, and was replaced by an alcoholic stepdad, so he has some damage from that, she wonders if that may be contributing. She also has a little girl in the mix. He's set to get out in a few months, and they're praying for no stoploss so they can move on with their lives.
_______________
Dear X...
I also, am more than happy to help, but I DO Have to make sure that (by law) you do know that i'm not licensed right now. I hope to be soon, I just want to make that clear so that there are no mistakes here. I can only tell you what I know. However, I DO NOT want to even accidentally pose as something I 'm not. ;)
Don't worry. I'm more than happy to help, and I don't mind long emails! ;)
It's funny, he and mike have a bit in common. Mike's father died when he was ten- he never had a stepfather though. Having no, or a BAd, father figure can certainly get to a man. That sort of thing- early death of a male figure, and then the alcoholic part can cause some trauma in itself, it may have actually predisposed him to PTSD. And yes, to answer your question, they CAN mingle (the memories). I hope he doesn't get toplossed either! Maybe you'll luck out and the healing can start VERY soon! BTW, that's AWESOME work that you do! That must be very fulfilling- in a way, i'm sure it can help you with your little girl and this situation. The thing with PTSD- even minor, they're not the same person they were when they left yknow? ;) So, in a way, everyone, including the guy, are grieving for the person they were, and for these horrible memories that they experience. grief is a type of stress, but you know that. Stress and grief aren't necessarily the same. But, it's all stressful! ;)
It totally understandable that you don't know where to start! I didn't either. A lot of the stuff I know, I taught myself. It's a lot to handle!
I would suggest, for YOU,as a starting place perhaps to start educating yourself more. The PTSD sourcebook is a REALLY good place to start. Basically it walks you through what all the symptoms are, why it is that they can be detrimental, or why they happen, it even talks about types of medications, and how they work on the body. It explains everything in plain english. It also has exercises in there for him. (I have an anxiety disorder, I did a similar thing with my anxiety because my pride *ahem* wouldn't let me go to a counselor, and I AM a counselor! LOL! I eventually did.)
anxiety coping techniques can also help, breathing mechanisms, meditation, even meds if necessary. There's also a workbook about coping with anxiety and panic attacks that I would recommend to find coping mechanisms. It's the one I used, and it's similar to the PTSD workbook- some of the techniques for panic attacks can REALLY help b/c basically a flashback is VERY similar if not a type of panic attack. KWIM?
http://www.amazon.com/Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-Sourcebook-Schiraldi/dp/0737302658/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1197964621&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Fourth/dp/1572244135/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1197964662&sr=1-1
Remember, it's okay for you to have someone to talk to too. That all depends on how you feel YOU are doing. ;)
"The "Thousand Foot Stare" - What do you mean to make sure to bring him back from that place? Is it harmful? How so? Jason has 'gone away' while talking about certain memories. I'd always encourage him to talk to me in those moments by asking him quiet, respectful questions to fascilitate it, like I do with the kiddies for whom I volunteer. But maybe that was doing more harm than good? (I dunno... How is stress different from grief?
I thought it was beneficial to let him talk to me to get him through it -- he seemed more open to talk to me about those memories in our "normal" conversations afterwards. Like it was a relief afterwards to him b/c he didn't have to shove the memories down anymore and keep them to himself. Could I have hurt him more by doing that?
Let's see- the thousand yard stare- sounds like you know what it is. Everyone is different. It CAN be harmful, but not necessarily. I know for mike, it's not good because basically it's disassociation, they go to that place, basically they reexperience the memory. Some guys are okay with that, others are not, and still others, it depends on the memory. Just use your instinct. (Part of that is in that blog I sent you. I was wiping cold sweats from Mike and HAD to bring him back. It's VERY individual) I think it IS good for him to talk about it if he chooses to, and since you have experience in facilitation that's awesome that you know how to do it. Be cautious that you don't get into a situation that you two can't get out of. AKA get too deep into a memory etc. (I know I have to be careful of that too!) It's all so very individual. Depends on the severity, the memory, and what the guy's okay with. I know, a lot of help right?! :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand-yard_stare
Do you think his problems are stemming more from his childhood? Could his PTSD get all muddled together with other memories he had while growing up? How does that all work? How could I encourage him to talk about those things with me? I sure as heck know he's going to have a tough time wanting to talk to a counselor about it.
Because I don't know him or the totality of the situation, I really can't answer the first question. REally, the only person who knows is him. His childhood can CERTAINLY contribute, and as I said earlier could have predisposed him, and the memories CAN mingle. Really, nobody completely knows how all this works. the human mind is still mostly a mystery to us.
As far as encouraging him, maybe tell him something along the lines that i did for Mike. (He has a REALLY hard time talking about it. He STILL hasn't grieved.)
That you know that losing his father, and having him "replaced" by such a character as his stepfather must have been hard. From your experience you know that childhood and even adult life happenings help shape who we are and how we handle things. You love him and were just wondering more about that because you want to understand. How did he feel? How did it affect him? How does he feel/ what does he think about that today? Does he feel comfortable talking about it? (If he says he's not (which mike has before) what I've said to Mike is "I understand that, I'm not going to force youto go somewhere you don't want to go. If you ever decide you're ready, please know taht I'm interested and would really like to know more. when you feel you're ready you approach me. Until then, I'll wait for your signal" this also applies to if he doesn't want to talk about memories or the PTSD itself.)
That lets him know that you want to know more, that it's okay and safe to talk about with you, and that he's never forced to. Often, it works! LOL
What could I do to encourage him to speak with someone else besides me? He's not at the point at all where he wants to ask for help. That's been the hardest for me to accept about this. I don't want to pressure him into anything or make him feel like a case study. But I want him to GET better. I'm torn between wanting to be there for him and wanting him to get help.
Again, you can't FORCE him to get help. It has to make him uncomfortable enough that the pain is more powerful than his pride. Sadly, some guys never get to that point.
Remember, it's okay to tell HIM these things that you're telling me.
"Honey, I know that your PTSD affects you. It affects both of us, and Ashley. I don't want to pressure you or make you feel like a case study, but I want you to get better. What do you think about going to see a counselor? (If says hell no, just let him know. "I understand completely, could you maybe just keep it in the back of your mind as an option?" ) I don't want you to be uncomfortable or hurting, and I don't want this to negatively affect our relationship. I'm torn here. What can I do for you to help you through this?"
Even if not a counselor, does he have a battle buddy he can talk to?
*Oh, I should mention, a LOT of times the guys reminisce over drinks. Alcohol + PTSD flashbacks= BAD. If he IS coping with alcohol and such that REALLY needs to be addressed. and If not fabulous for him!
As for being there for him and wanting him to get help. Well, both are possible, and in a way, you're therefor him either way!
Maybe let him know that you're educating yourself about it. "Gosh honey, listen to this..... I didn't know that. This book is really interesting."
Perhaps offer to go through the sourcebook with him, just sort of feel him out.
"I'm reading this book, it has some things that may help, if you REALLY can't stand going to a counselor, maybe we could work on this ourselves, and TOGETHER. (Mike told me, that knowing that I was willing to go through it with him REALLY helped. I even offered to attend the sessions with him until he was comfortable going alone.)"
You could also offer him the "downrange" book I recommended. "honey, you were talking about PTSD, this Vet wrote a book about it for soldiers bc he didn't want to go to a counselor either!"
You know more than you think you do here! Just being there to listen, hold his hand when he's reminiscing, make him comfortable, and letting him know that he doesn't have to do it alone. Those are the most important things! Really, after that, the work is HIS to do. You can only do so much.
ALSO, please make sure that if Ashley has noticed any of this that she knows that she can ask questions. Put it in terms she can understand. It's important to make her a part of this too. Kids pick up more than you think they do, (you know that from your facilitation!) she probably is aware that "daddy is hurting". Again, you're a mom, trust your instincts here.
I hope this helps. NEVER hesitate to contact me , whether it's for support, or if you just want to chat.
Have a wonderful night, and best of luck,
Kate
Ps- you ladies amaze me, the strength and the love in here is SO inspiring. Best to you all!
___________
Background, she's engaged to a soldier with PTSD, he doesn't want to see a counselor and doesn't know where to start (understandably!) His father died when he was young, and was replaced by an alcoholic stepdad, so he has some damage from that, she wonders if that may be contributing. She also has a little girl in the mix. He's set to get out in a few months, and they're praying for no stoploss so they can move on with their lives.
_______________
Dear X...
I also, am more than happy to help, but I DO Have to make sure that (by law) you do know that i'm not licensed right now. I hope to be soon, I just want to make that clear so that there are no mistakes here. I can only tell you what I know. However, I DO NOT want to even accidentally pose as something I 'm not. ;)
Don't worry. I'm more than happy to help, and I don't mind long emails! ;)
It's funny, he and mike have a bit in common. Mike's father died when he was ten- he never had a stepfather though. Having no, or a BAd, father figure can certainly get to a man. That sort of thing- early death of a male figure, and then the alcoholic part can cause some trauma in itself, it may have actually predisposed him to PTSD. And yes, to answer your question, they CAN mingle (the memories). I hope he doesn't get toplossed either! Maybe you'll luck out and the healing can start VERY soon! BTW, that's AWESOME work that you do! That must be very fulfilling- in a way, i'm sure it can help you with your little girl and this situation. The thing with PTSD- even minor, they're not the same person they were when they left yknow? ;) So, in a way, everyone, including the guy, are grieving for the person they were, and for these horrible memories that they experience. grief is a type of stress, but you know that. Stress and grief aren't necessarily the same. But, it's all stressful! ;)
It totally understandable that you don't know where to start! I didn't either. A lot of the stuff I know, I taught myself. It's a lot to handle!
I would suggest, for YOU,as a starting place perhaps to start educating yourself more. The PTSD sourcebook is a REALLY good place to start. Basically it walks you through what all the symptoms are, why it is that they can be detrimental, or why they happen, it even talks about types of medications, and how they work on the body. It explains everything in plain english. It also has exercises in there for him. (I have an anxiety disorder, I did a similar thing with my anxiety because my pride *ahem* wouldn't let me go to a counselor, and I AM a counselor! LOL! I eventually did.)
anxiety coping techniques can also help, breathing mechanisms, meditation, even meds if necessary. There's also a workbook about coping with anxiety and panic attacks that I would recommend to find coping mechanisms. It's the one I used, and it's similar to the PTSD workbook- some of the techniques for panic attacks can REALLY help b/c basically a flashback is VERY similar if not a type of panic attack. KWIM?
http://www.amazon.com/Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-Sourcebook-Schiraldi/dp/0737302658/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1197964621&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Fourth/dp/1572244135/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1197964662&sr=1-1
Remember, it's okay for you to have someone to talk to too. That all depends on how you feel YOU are doing. ;)
"The "Thousand Foot Stare" - What do you mean to make sure to bring him back from that place? Is it harmful? How so? Jason has 'gone away' while talking about certain memories. I'd always encourage him to talk to me in those moments by asking him quiet, respectful questions to fascilitate it, like I do with the kiddies for whom I volunteer. But maybe that was doing more harm than good? (I dunno... How is stress different from grief?
I thought it was beneficial to let him talk to me to get him through it -- he seemed more open to talk to me about those memories in our "normal" conversations afterwards. Like it was a relief afterwards to him b/c he didn't have to shove the memories down anymore and keep them to himself. Could I have hurt him more by doing that?
Let's see- the thousand yard stare- sounds like you know what it is. Everyone is different. It CAN be harmful, but not necessarily. I know for mike, it's not good because basically it's disassociation, they go to that place, basically they reexperience the memory. Some guys are okay with that, others are not, and still others, it depends on the memory. Just use your instinct. (Part of that is in that blog I sent you. I was wiping cold sweats from Mike and HAD to bring him back. It's VERY individual) I think it IS good for him to talk about it if he chooses to, and since you have experience in facilitation that's awesome that you know how to do it. Be cautious that you don't get into a situation that you two can't get out of. AKA get too deep into a memory etc. (I know I have to be careful of that too!) It's all so very individual. Depends on the severity, the memory, and what the guy's okay with. I know, a lot of help right?! :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand-yard_stare
Do you think his problems are stemming more from his childhood? Could his PTSD get all muddled together with other memories he had while growing up? How does that all work? How could I encourage him to talk about those things with me? I sure as heck know he's going to have a tough time wanting to talk to a counselor about it.
Because I don't know him or the totality of the situation, I really can't answer the first question. REally, the only person who knows is him. His childhood can CERTAINLY contribute, and as I said earlier could have predisposed him, and the memories CAN mingle. Really, nobody completely knows how all this works. the human mind is still mostly a mystery to us.
As far as encouraging him, maybe tell him something along the lines that i did for Mike. (He has a REALLY hard time talking about it. He STILL hasn't grieved.)
That you know that losing his father, and having him "replaced" by such a character as his stepfather must have been hard. From your experience you know that childhood and even adult life happenings help shape who we are and how we handle things. You love him and were just wondering more about that because you want to understand. How did he feel? How did it affect him? How does he feel/ what does he think about that today? Does he feel comfortable talking about it? (If he says he's not (which mike has before) what I've said to Mike is "I understand that, I'm not going to force youto go somewhere you don't want to go. If you ever decide you're ready, please know taht I'm interested and would really like to know more. when you feel you're ready you approach me. Until then, I'll wait for your signal" this also applies to if he doesn't want to talk about memories or the PTSD itself.)
That lets him know that you want to know more, that it's okay and safe to talk about with you, and that he's never forced to. Often, it works! LOL
What could I do to encourage him to speak with someone else besides me? He's not at the point at all where he wants to ask for help. That's been the hardest for me to accept about this. I don't want to pressure him into anything or make him feel like a case study. But I want him to GET better. I'm torn between wanting to be there for him and wanting him to get help.
Again, you can't FORCE him to get help. It has to make him uncomfortable enough that the pain is more powerful than his pride. Sadly, some guys never get to that point.
Remember, it's okay to tell HIM these things that you're telling me.
"Honey, I know that your PTSD affects you. It affects both of us, and Ashley. I don't want to pressure you or make you feel like a case study, but I want you to get better. What do you think about going to see a counselor? (If says hell no, just let him know. "I understand completely, could you maybe just keep it in the back of your mind as an option?" ) I don't want you to be uncomfortable or hurting, and I don't want this to negatively affect our relationship. I'm torn here. What can I do for you to help you through this?"
Even if not a counselor, does he have a battle buddy he can talk to?
*Oh, I should mention, a LOT of times the guys reminisce over drinks. Alcohol + PTSD flashbacks= BAD. If he IS coping with alcohol and such that REALLY needs to be addressed. and If not fabulous for him!
As for being there for him and wanting him to get help. Well, both are possible, and in a way, you're therefor him either way!
Maybe let him know that you're educating yourself about it. "Gosh honey, listen to this..... I didn't know that. This book is really interesting."
Perhaps offer to go through the sourcebook with him, just sort of feel him out.
"I'm reading this book, it has some things that may help, if you REALLY can't stand going to a counselor, maybe we could work on this ourselves, and TOGETHER. (Mike told me, that knowing that I was willing to go through it with him REALLY helped. I even offered to attend the sessions with him until he was comfortable going alone.)"
You could also offer him the "downrange" book I recommended. "honey, you were talking about PTSD, this Vet wrote a book about it for soldiers bc he didn't want to go to a counselor either!"
You know more than you think you do here! Just being there to listen, hold his hand when he's reminiscing, make him comfortable, and letting him know that he doesn't have to do it alone. Those are the most important things! Really, after that, the work is HIS to do. You can only do so much.
ALSO, please make sure that if Ashley has noticed any of this that she knows that she can ask questions. Put it in terms she can understand. It's important to make her a part of this too. Kids pick up more than you think they do, (you know that from your facilitation!) she probably is aware that "daddy is hurting". Again, you're a mom, trust your instincts here.
I hope this helps. NEVER hesitate to contact me , whether it's for support, or if you just want to chat.
Have a wonderful night, and best of luck,
Kate