marriage is a really touchy topic for me, and i might be posting this in the wrong spot, it maybe should go in venting, but its not really a vent. so anyhow, my boyfriend is training to leave for iraq right now. he volunteered for this deployment, for a variety of reasons, and i understood his reasons.

he first approached me about volunteering in maybe june. i told him that if he really felt that he needed to do this, i was okay with it, but i wanted to get married before he went ahead with it, for my own variety of reasons. he agreed to that, and understood my reasons for it.

fast forward to october. he goes ahead and volunteers, and flat out does not want to even talk about marriage.

on one level, i can completely understand this and see his point. when he was 19, and getting ready for his first time in iraq, he got a girl pregnant. they weren't in a relationship, it was more of a booty call kind of thing. but he was still a kid, his overbearing mom put in more than her two cents, and he did what he thought was best- married the girl 3 days before he deployed. and filed for divorce within his first month home.

so i can see why he doesn't want to do the pre-deployment wedding- however, here's my point of view... i am not her. this is not the same situation. we've talked about marriage since february of last year. we were really close friends for 6 years before we started seeing each other- i used to tell him things i'd never imagine telling the guys who were my boyfriends at the time. when we first discussed this deployment, marriage was in the plans. i am not pregnant. we would be marrying out of love.

but i don't want to push him into marrying me just because i want it. he did agree to get married if we kept it a secret from his parents, because he doesn't want them thinking he's doing the same thing he did last time (don't get me started on that, or it will be a vent!) i want to elope, but i want a nice reception too, after the honeymoon.

so i compromised and said okay, let's do a formal engagement instead, since we're going to get married soon after he gets home. another no, mainly because of money (i told him i don't care if it's a $5 generic fake dollar store ring, its the meaning that i care about... but he wants to do things "right" this time around. whatever) plus he doesn't really believe in extended engagements- he thinks you should only be engaged RIGHT before you get married (in the case of his last marriage, the engagement lasted about 3 days? not my cup of tea)

i don't know.
i'm trying to just be understanding and accept that i'm going to keep the status of girlfriend for the next year... but i'm still really jealous of everyone who gets engaged and gets married, whether they're military or not.

i try and tell myself it's because he feels like he really screwed up the first time around, and wants to do things right... but then i feel like he just doesn't think i'm good enough to marry or propose to. then i counter that with the fact that he never gave his exwife power of attorney like he's given me, or even lived with her as long as he has with me.

i'm just really conflicted and this is upsetting me more and more as the days without him start adding up... i just wondered if anyone could pick something out of the whole situation that i'm not seeing, or help with any suggestions or points of view? thanks and sorry for the rambling. :duh

I said this somewhere else, but marriage is not everything! It's a piece of paper. literally a piece of paper. It's totally understandable he doesn't want to be married, and even more when he's in the military and can't even be there for you. My parents were divorced so i kind of see a different light on marriage. I feel like and espically women that are with men in the military, feel the need to get married to make them feel better, to make them not worry about them being overseas. That's not a reason to get married. ANd just women in general, all this Marriage drama, always pushing it, always thinking its going to make everything better, it doesn't. The guy sounds like he loves you and he wants to do it right, and i don't see anything wrong there. It will come, natural and it will be right, and it doesn't then it's not meant to be. But i'm sure it will, but let him give it to you on his own, when hes ready, and when you aren't asking about it all the time, because i'm sure thats when he will finally realize hes ready. love conquers all, not marriage.

see my parents divorced too, and i don't hold it against them, in fact i agree they should have...

i think DB and me have different ideas of what marriage is. for example, i think after you get married, you should just enjoy each other for awhile, but he thinks that marriage = babies immediately. kind of how he thinks engagement = marriage immediately.

i don't think we're on the same timeline. i want things spread out more, he wants things to be more compressed.

maybe that's part of why he wants to wait? i don't know.

i felt the exact same way.
me and df had been dating over 3 years, knew we were getting married and knew he was deploying soon.
he finally proposed in feb. and had agreed that we would get married before he left. well as soon as he proposed he decided we weren't getting married until he got back, and wouldn't even discuss it. he would say "no" final answer. which made me so mad! b/c before he said it would happen.
(we lived together)
a few months later (about 3 months before he was suppose to leave) we talked about all the pros and cons about getting married decided we should go ahead and do it!
so i started planning everything and once i set a date he had some family members who couldn't make it, and i was plaining a wedding for arkansas, while we lived in georgia! (kinda hard to do!) anywho... he decided it was a no go. and i was very very upset, we talked about going to the JOP or just getting married and not telling anyone and having something once he got back. well we ended up doing nothing and decided to wait.
yes it would be great if we got married and he would be making more money... but...
i think we made the right decision. i miss him just as much and love him just as much as anyone who is married.
BUT he would have missed our 1st and 2nd christmas together. and our 1 year wedding anniversary. and plus our first 15 months of marriage?!
i didn't realize it at first but now i realize those are important things to me!


anyways hope all that made sense. it all works out for the best! :D i promise!

It sounds like he's really holding on to the past. If his parents are important to him, their opinions are going to count big.

Just be patient with him. That's an od/rough situation.

see my parents divorced too, and i don't hold it against them, in fact i agree they should have...

i think DB and me have different ideas of what marriage is. for example, i think after you get married, you should just enjoy each other for awhile, but he thinks that marriage = babies immediately. kind of how he thinks engagement = marriage immediately.

i don't think we're on the same timeline. i want things spread out more, he wants things to be more compressed.

maybe that's part of why he wants to wait? i don't know.

yeah, i mean if i thought marriage=kids then i would deffffitnely want to wait, also even the fact that he already has one, you know? just talk to him and how you see it you know?

Just be patient or you may push him away. Trust me when the time is right it'll happen. Just like goldenageskye said love conquers all! Hang in there and it'll work out at the right time.

hearing his background, it makes sense why he doesn't want to rush.. it would be nice if he would get engaged though..!

I feel ya.

tricky situation - but your love is more important than your marriage license.

that IS a tricky situation...

but it sounds like he just wants things to be perfect... my DF is that way... he wanted everything about our wedding to be done "right", and had been pushing it back because of that... our families, money, deployment... there was always something holding him back (even if we were already engaged)

but we just spent this past christmas apart and apparently he missed me so much he doesnt care about any of that anymore and wants to get married ASAP (yay. lol)


so i guess maybe your DB doesnt realize how much he wants this too because hes so stuck on things being "perfect".... which isnt a bad thing!!! but its hard for us to wait ;) and understand what that "perfect" is for them.... kwim?

dont worry... it will happen :) its just a matter of being patient

I see your point. DB deploys soon and when he comes home he will have saved up enough money for us to finally start OUR lives together. We've been apart our entire relationship so far and when he gets back I'll be moving to VA to be with him and hopefully get engaged and get married. We will have been together almost a year when he come home... time. thats all he needs. Good luck!! **crossed fingers**

thanks for the advice/support ladies!

i am being patient, i've accepted that this is how its going to be (like it or not)... but i've still got my fingers crossed that by the time he gets his leave in march, he'll decide to at least spring for the ring and do the engagment!