ilovemw11b
01-16-2008, 01:26 AM
Every once in a while, I try and update my blog with whats going on lately. A friend of mine on this site read it, and told me to post it on here. There are alot of people out there who dont seem to understand what you go through in a military relationship, especially a deployment. They give you crap about waiting, sending care packages, and the late nights crying yourself to sleep. We'll I took her advice, and here goes (its long girls, im sorry, but its almost 1:30 and I cant sleep). Maybe some of you can relate to what im feeling and going through.
"Love.
It's an amazing concept. To sum it up, two people, two hearts, one life. Its something that if real, truly cant be described in one word, or even one sentence. It changes you as a person; you begin to see things completely different, your outlook and thoughts change. The most amazing feeling is when you realize that youre in love with another person. You wake up and you realize that you love him. You have this knot is your stomach, and you cant wait to tell them, but the nerves about actually confessing it makes your palms sweat.
I've realized that for as easy as it is to fall in love, its just as easy to fall out. I'm not sure if its the deployment getting to me, all of the crazy emotions that you go through, the ups and downs, you wouldnt believe. It's hard to explain to someone, someone not in a military relationship. Alot of the concepts are the same, but ive realized in the past 5 months that a "military relationship" should have its own level of complexity.
I never would have considered in a million years hopping on a plane and flying to see someone at the last minute. But now I view it as that truly could have been the last time I ever saw him. Theres no guarantee that he will come back home, or the same. So you go, you fly to see him. You spend your last weekend together, knowing that this is "it", it ends, you say your goodbye's at a small airport, surrounded by other soldier's saying goodbye to their girlfriends, fiances, wives. The last 5 minutes we didnt even say anything to each other, we just looked at each other, trying to put together a memory that you wont lose for the next 15 months until you see him again. You realize its time to check in for your flight, and as you turn to walk away, it feels like you lost a part of your heart. You stand in line, sobbing, and for once, could care less if/where your mascara is running, or if there is snot running out of your nose. People stare and you think in your head "you just dont understand". I board my plane, and sit next to a girl, crying her eyes out, staring at her camera, and the last pictures she took with her soon-to-be deploying soldier. You realize youre not alone. On the 2 hour flight, you share stories about your life, and advice to cope, and contact info, even though your states away. A few days pass, and you wake up with this sinking feeling. Today is the day he deploys. You constantly check your cell phone, looking to see if youve missed your last call. 11 am, youre on the phone with a client, and see his name pop up on your caller ID, you tell the client its an emergency and will have to call him back. You grab a box of tissues, and your pack of cigarettes, answer, and make your way into the "smokers office". You answer, trying to sound like everything is okay, trying to make small talk, anything to keep listening to his voice.
In tears, I sat there, for what seemed like hours, and cried until I could feel the heartbeat in my eyes. Now, its exactly 2 months since the day I said goodbye to him at that small airport. Ive become a military girlfriend. I sleep with the phone next to me, constantly check my email and as awful and embarassing as this sounds, check DoD's website everyday, just in case something happened to him. Calls from Iraq are strained, the call centers are hellacious. We could have a clearer conversation through 2 cans and a piece of string, although I dont think they make a string long enough. Ive changed. I never thought in a million years that I would put a magnet on my car, yet alone 2, an Army yellow ribbon, and a magnet that says "Half of My Heart is in Iraq", but Ive never been so proud of someone in my life. I never thought that I would get so used to military vocab, 3 letter words like FOB, ACU's, BDU's..people look at you like youre crazy. I get choked up and cant bear to listen to any country song the full length that has anything to do with 1.) soldiers, 2.) Arlington Cemetary, 3.) american pride or 4.) death. I get a lump in my throat whenever I see a god damn Army Reserve commercial because you remember how amazing he looks in his ACU's. You go shopping and see something as simple as a pillow case and think, "I should probably get him a few for his care package, his are probably covered in sand". His favorite beef jerky? "I should probably send him a few bags, he wont be able to get any for another year". You see a couple holding hands and think of the last time you held his, callused from hundreds of push ups on asphalt and gravel, but you would give anything in the world to hold them again.
This deployment road has been bumpy as hell, and I dont know how things will end up, but for some reason ive been granted the opportunity to love a soldier who has no guarantee of coming home. My point of all of this? Just love, dont take a single thing for granted, and tell whoever youre with that you love them, anytime you feel like it, even its 20 times a day. Never take for granted their smile, laugh, voice, the little wrinkle in their forehead, or the way their hand feels holding yours. You would be surprised how many women would do anything in the world to see and feel those things again."
"Love.
It's an amazing concept. To sum it up, two people, two hearts, one life. Its something that if real, truly cant be described in one word, or even one sentence. It changes you as a person; you begin to see things completely different, your outlook and thoughts change. The most amazing feeling is when you realize that youre in love with another person. You wake up and you realize that you love him. You have this knot is your stomach, and you cant wait to tell them, but the nerves about actually confessing it makes your palms sweat.
I've realized that for as easy as it is to fall in love, its just as easy to fall out. I'm not sure if its the deployment getting to me, all of the crazy emotions that you go through, the ups and downs, you wouldnt believe. It's hard to explain to someone, someone not in a military relationship. Alot of the concepts are the same, but ive realized in the past 5 months that a "military relationship" should have its own level of complexity.
I never would have considered in a million years hopping on a plane and flying to see someone at the last minute. But now I view it as that truly could have been the last time I ever saw him. Theres no guarantee that he will come back home, or the same. So you go, you fly to see him. You spend your last weekend together, knowing that this is "it", it ends, you say your goodbye's at a small airport, surrounded by other soldier's saying goodbye to their girlfriends, fiances, wives. The last 5 minutes we didnt even say anything to each other, we just looked at each other, trying to put together a memory that you wont lose for the next 15 months until you see him again. You realize its time to check in for your flight, and as you turn to walk away, it feels like you lost a part of your heart. You stand in line, sobbing, and for once, could care less if/where your mascara is running, or if there is snot running out of your nose. People stare and you think in your head "you just dont understand". I board my plane, and sit next to a girl, crying her eyes out, staring at her camera, and the last pictures she took with her soon-to-be deploying soldier. You realize youre not alone. On the 2 hour flight, you share stories about your life, and advice to cope, and contact info, even though your states away. A few days pass, and you wake up with this sinking feeling. Today is the day he deploys. You constantly check your cell phone, looking to see if youve missed your last call. 11 am, youre on the phone with a client, and see his name pop up on your caller ID, you tell the client its an emergency and will have to call him back. You grab a box of tissues, and your pack of cigarettes, answer, and make your way into the "smokers office". You answer, trying to sound like everything is okay, trying to make small talk, anything to keep listening to his voice.
In tears, I sat there, for what seemed like hours, and cried until I could feel the heartbeat in my eyes. Now, its exactly 2 months since the day I said goodbye to him at that small airport. Ive become a military girlfriend. I sleep with the phone next to me, constantly check my email and as awful and embarassing as this sounds, check DoD's website everyday, just in case something happened to him. Calls from Iraq are strained, the call centers are hellacious. We could have a clearer conversation through 2 cans and a piece of string, although I dont think they make a string long enough. Ive changed. I never thought in a million years that I would put a magnet on my car, yet alone 2, an Army yellow ribbon, and a magnet that says "Half of My Heart is in Iraq", but Ive never been so proud of someone in my life. I never thought that I would get so used to military vocab, 3 letter words like FOB, ACU's, BDU's..people look at you like youre crazy. I get choked up and cant bear to listen to any country song the full length that has anything to do with 1.) soldiers, 2.) Arlington Cemetary, 3.) american pride or 4.) death. I get a lump in my throat whenever I see a god damn Army Reserve commercial because you remember how amazing he looks in his ACU's. You go shopping and see something as simple as a pillow case and think, "I should probably get him a few for his care package, his are probably covered in sand". His favorite beef jerky? "I should probably send him a few bags, he wont be able to get any for another year". You see a couple holding hands and think of the last time you held his, callused from hundreds of push ups on asphalt and gravel, but you would give anything in the world to hold them again.
This deployment road has been bumpy as hell, and I dont know how things will end up, but for some reason ive been granted the opportunity to love a soldier who has no guarantee of coming home. My point of all of this? Just love, dont take a single thing for granted, and tell whoever youre with that you love them, anytime you feel like it, even its 20 times a day. Never take for granted their smile, laugh, voice, the little wrinkle in their forehead, or the way their hand feels holding yours. You would be surprised how many women would do anything in the world to see and feel those things again."