The day started off shacky for my 7 year old son. He was crying this a.m. and didn't wantt to go in school. The v.p. came and helped which was great. I got a call later that day that my son had requested I be called to tell me he was sad and missed me. He had essentially cried his whole time in class. The counselor agreed to call me, with the deal that he would go into his classroom, and used the time to disucss helping him in general. She was great, but I'll wait and see if she follows through with her promises as I've learned the hard way the lip service is cheap.

So, when I went to pick up my son from school, there was an older woman waiting with my son and his teacher. No, "hello," or that, just, "your son had a bad day. He needs to learn how to behave in class." I was stunned and asked her if she knew what my son was going through right now and she quickly said yes! I told her it was very inappropriate to discuss this in front of my son who was right next to me. I told her she was insensitive and I would not be talking about this with her in front of my child.

FF to now and I'm still fuming. I'm going to go in to see the principal tomorrow and I want to know how far to go. My instinct is to want to rip some heads open. Fwiw, my hubby just left last weekend and this is the kid's first week without their dad. It's not like this has dragged out and my son is a monster!! This woman disgusts me. I'm wondering if she's an anti-war type and is taking it out on my son, or if she's simply a mean bitch that needs to be put in her place?

Your input would be very much appreciated as I plan to confront all tomorrow a.m. when I take my son to school.

Laura

I am studying to be a teacher and professionalism is something that we stress strongly! In no way would I EVER have the conversation in public much less with the child there. I would be very sensitive to the fact that his dad just left and he is sad. I would work with him by having him draw pictures of his dad and make a book with those pictures and real pictures that he can look at when he gets sad. (you might want to try this at home) Also I would make it very clear tomorrow that since she is a teacher and has a professional title she needs to act like she has one.

You need to make sure that everything you said about how you feel in your post is said to the principal.

I am a student teacher and this makes me want to smack that woman. Who does that?!?

I would be PIIISSSED too!!
i definitely think this teacher needs to be reported... regardless of WHY she said and did what she said/did, she should NOT have. PERIOD.

and i also think that, due to your sons young age, a therapist might be helpful. i dont know your financial situation but if you can afford a therapist.. or find a cheap to free one... even just once a week.. or every two weeks, it would be beneficial to him.

I went through some traumatic times at his age and i know the therapist my mom took me to helped me a LOT. make sure (if you do do this) that it is someone who specializes in children... and preferably in situations similar to your own.

what a horrible woman..she needs to be reported

What is fwiw?

I would be FUMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, I don't have kids, but that's terrible!

You have every right to be pissed and rip off some heads tomorrow.

rip some fu@$ing heads off... :ticked

I'd be mad that she mentioned it in front of your son. I wouldn't go accusing her of taking her possible anti-war tendencies out on your kid when you talk to the principal though. Attacking her won't get you anywhere, plus, sounds like you've got enough on her w/o speculating, she sounds like a real tool.

Good luck tomorrow!

What is fwiw?


i think, for what it's worth.

Your poor son :hugs. I cant believe that lady is a teacher. I would go to the principle and tell her what happened.
Does this school have a councilor? Maybe you can meet with the councilor and see if they have any advice on ways to make this easier for your son .

I'd be mad that she mentioned it in front of your son. I wouldn't go accusing her of taking her possible anti-war tendencies out on your kid when you talk to the principal though. Attacking her won't get you anywhere, plus, sounds like you've got enough on her w/o speculating, she sounds like a real tool.

Good luck tomorrow!




i think, for what it's worth.

Thanks Ash!! That's a new one for me....HAHA!!!

As a teacher...and especially an elementary teacher, I think she could have done it in a completely different manner. I have parents that come to me everyday after school to get their kids, and for the most part, they always ask how their kids day was. If it was a bad day for them, I'm honest and say "we had a hard day today, (and if there is an example to give, I do it)" but I ALWAYS try and end it on a positive note. Myself included, somedays as teachers, we do have a hellish day, and often times we can forget that no matter what, this kid is loved deeply by their parents. What she did and said was out of line though.

There has to be some sort of counselor at the school. I know someone mentioned that the teacher should be doing activities based on your DH just having left for your son....but for instance at my school, we have a huge federal grant that makes us have our days focused solely on THEIR reading program and math and that is pretty much our day. It's hard to get science or social studies in, much less anything personalized like that. But a counselor would be able to give more one on one attention and I would highly recommend you going in tomorrow with a plan, opposed to screaming your head off.

For instance, I don't know what your daily schedule is, but if the teacher thinks your kid is so disturbing, request that you go in and sit in on a few class sessions. Suggest the counselor. Tell the principal why you were upset and how you feel it could have been handled differently, as well as how you expect for it to be handled in the future. We as teachers at my school are always advised to come up with a plan instead of going into something complaining, so I think it could be helpful for you also.

I'm not trying to stick up for the teacher, what she did was wrong. I just know that the last thing I want to do is piss off a parent but teachers too are infallible creatures.
I speak from complete experience of that!!

I'd just express that you feel it was REALLY inappropriate to discuss that in front of your son and that given the circumstances you feel she could have handled it with a little more sensitivity. If it was such a problem, why didn't she take it to administration? Did she try to and they said they'd already handled it (counselor and vp) and she just didn't think it was enough?

my only advise is to fight for your child...you can get thrown in jail for not sending your kids to school but they do not give the teachers enough training and they are not able to handle all the kids/stress. your child should not have to suffer for 7-8 hours a day sitting in a classroom where he is being treated unfairly. what ever you feel in your heart is what you should do/how you should react. fight for your baby!

I would be so upset. That is unbelievable.

Did you talk to the principal today?

After my huge ordeal with DD's school 2 years ago I think I can help.:lol First be the calm one. Say what you have to say but be calm but VERY assertive. Show them you are serious. I always took notes of what I wanted to say because I would get so mad and forget.:lol Also remember that the principal is your frind BUT 9 times out of 10 they are on the side of there employees. You can always say you are going to his/her boss if thinggs are not resolved.(superintendent/or school board). letters, letters and lot's of letters and if things really really bad(i don't think they will in your case) the TV. :D My issue was something out of your worst dream so feel free to PM me if you need to lay the smackdown.:giggle I'll help you get those turkeys.:fight :flamethrow

I just found this. That is terrible!!!!!!!!! I saw a group at a local farm show and they were people from operationmilitarykids.org and she told me that they help with "informing" teachers about the stress of deployment and to call if I have any problems with DD's school. I guess if an organization like this exsits unfortunatly there may be more situations similar which is aweful. Your son is going through enough without having to deal with that ass! Please let us know what happend.

:hugs

The next morning was Friday and at drop-off the principal was there. I called her over and told her I needed to talk with her today and we set a time. The morning was rough after yesterday's event. Ds woudn't get out of the car. She was able to help coax him out, though.

I met her in her office shortly later. I told her that I was extraordinairly upset with the teacher that came out with my son yesterday. She interrupted me and said she knew. The teacher had already gone into her office directly after she and I spoke to complain about me! I told her exactly what I had written here (as it ate away at me the entire night it was still very fresh in my head) I asked her how long this teacher has been here and she said a long time.

SHE added that this teacher doesn't have good adult inter-personal skills, but is great with kids. I told her I doubted that, but that's not an excuse for what happened. I also asked her if it was that difficult to find decent teachers. She said yes, especially because we're in a bi-lingual school. I told her the teacher owes me an apology. She seemed taken back, but I pressed on, telling her that if this teacher is allowed to continually be known for being mean and not called on it, then she's just getting away with it. She told me she would tell her to apologize. Still waiting for that as I would have thought it should of happened that day. I was taken back that the principal had the position of putting up her hands as to what to do about the teacher.

The principal told me that they want to help my son, but they do not have any type of "plan" special to military kids. You would think there would be something as I do live in a very big military community (nothern Va--right next to D.C.)

The principal told me that the school counselor has 2 people close to her in Iraq, so I'm thinking she has to have some coping skills to pass on, right? I just talked to her and she wants to have a meeting with me and her and my son's teacher's to talk about helping him. Sounds good, but I'm not sure if they have a game plan or how much they'll be looking to me for direction. Frankly, I think I don't know what to do anymore. I've done everything I know and I don't think my "bag of tricks" is working anymore.

To get my son through his school days, I would have my son pick 2 things that we could do at the end of his day together. It would sometimes be bake cookies, play a game, take a bubble bath with his sister or play a nintendo game. This doesn't work anymore.

I'm dreading Tuesday (Monday is a holiday and no school) My son will never want to go to school after having been home for 3 days. Friday was hard. I ended up yelling at him after trying to coax him out the door. We were going fine up until I told him it was time to get our shoes and coat. So, if anyone has suggestions, or reading let me know. Any help is appreciated.

Hugs to all who replied to me. I'm greatful for your responses.
Laura:sigh

don't give up...ask for him switch classrooms/teachers

explain to him that dad will be back...if your husband can email have him write to your son. make pictures/letters for dad and have your son be involved in the whole process even down to licking the stamp...make a paper chain with your son counting down the days till dad is back (even if you don't know the exact number do it within a week or two and you can sneak and take off the extra later) and then let your son take one link of each day.

maybe even sign him up with a sport to keep him active...boyscouts, soccer, baseball, karate whatever he likes

also i have to say your child will always feed of of of your feelings...if you are sad and depressed then he will be also, if you are happy he will be happy

i'm not saying you are sad or anything just offering advice as i don't know if this is your first deployment or not

double post

I think it is so great how unselfish you are in this!! The idea about doing two things a day with him of his liking, that is so great!! I hope that when I have children and DH is deployed, I am half as good of a mother as you are!!

I saw also somewhere where a parent would do the paper links...but instead of counting down, they would write something that happened that day on the link. So that way, maybe as you are heading to school, you can talk to him about being attentive of something that he wants to write about. Even if they start out sad or whatever, I think that you, your son, and your DH will love to see the progression that takes place over time in the links.

I've had trouble with my kids in civilian schools. My youngest son was targeted by his teacher. I know now from the experience, document everything. Don't just talk to her, email her, write her, etc. After you meet, email her with a recap and ask specifically if there's anything you forgot so she will have to respond, request a read receipt too, so you'll have the proof she got it. If you take notes in the meeting, have her sign it and you sign it and you both get copies for your records.

If things aren't resolved after the meeting, then go to the principal. Take notes the same way, and make sure she gets a copy and so do you. If it's still not resolved, go to the school board, get notes and signatures at each level. Even the school board is not your friend and they will cover up all of this in a heartbeat. If things are not resolved by the school board, go to the press with your signed notes.

Keep anything you think is relevant or shows character towards any and all of them. If you get a note, keep it. If you have to sign it and send it back, then make a photocopy. Even if things seem to be getting fixed, keep your copies till the next school year. Heaven forbid they make a notation in his file that you can't prove is bogus.

how incredibly insensitive. :sadeyes i was a teacher and professionalism & sensitivity is so important especially with small children. and how can she possibly know exactly what your son is going through? sheesh

I would be PIIISSSED too!!
i definitely think this teacher needs to be reported... regardless of WHY she said and did what she said/did, she should NOT have. PERIOD.

and i also think that, due to your sons young age, a therapist might be helpful. i dont know your financial situation but if you can afford a therapist.. or find a cheap to free one... even just once a week.. or every two weeks, it would be beneficial to him.

I went through some traumatic times at his age and i know the therapist my mom took me to helped me a LOT. make sure (if you do do this) that it is someone who specializes in children... and preferably in situations similar to your own.

onesource offers free counseling for 6 sessions.

this puzzels me. Your in a military town, and they don't know how to deal with this?? that's odd, and they might want to start working on that right away. Tell your son, that his daddy wants him to go to school, so when he gets home your son can teach him everything he learned.

It's wrong. Is this the first offense? or habitually problems? Of course see the principal if your this upset about it. But, if it's the first offense. I would calmly discuss this with the principal. Let him/her handle it. It's there job - BUT, make it CLEAR to them your home situation. If she's a habitually offender. Have a mtg with the teacher and the principal all at once.

:goodluck

:wub way to protect your baby.

I also live in a huge military town and let me tell you, I have Had the same issues, you can go back to my thread or I will post in after this one, anyway, I had a meeting with the counselor and she totally pissed me off , then the other counselor called me and promised to stay with son and on top of things and I have not heard from here since then. THANK GOD that his regular teachers in on maternity leave and has been since he started at this school and the fill in teacher is a retired Air force wife she is doing everything she can to stay communicated with me and I know that if it were not for her understanding him and what we are going through as a family, his grades would be a lot worse then what she gives him. She does let a lot slide with him but I am learning to pick my battles. I have had him in therapy since November, it seems to be working, it is a slow progress but I believe we will make it through in the end. Don't give up on getting help. Fight for your child!! My son also goes to group therapy every other week with boys his age, tricare will pay for all of it. :hugs

I was told that the teacher felt she did nothing wrong. The principal told me this teacher is burned out and tired, and has been at it a long time. I kind of suspected this. You kinda get it when you see her. I ended up filing a complaint against her. I tried to get the apology and the principal said the teacher was refusing. I filed the complaint and now it's on her record.

My son is having better days, but it's sprinkled still, with some anger and sadness. Still, it's so much better. He used to flat out refuse to go to school. He would scream and cry and beg to stay with me. Truly heartwrenching. This is my 3rd deployment, but this child's first. Each child has handled it so differently.

The teachers have given my son a special place in their classrooms to go when he feels sad and wants to be alone. (He used to go and hide in his cubby.) They've also--upon my request--have gotten him involved with the gardening on the school grounds. My son loves to garden, and we live in an apartment.

As far as being in a military town--I was puzzled, too, that the schools were dumbstruck to deal with my boys. My older son's highschool has done absolutely nothing. I fought that battle with paperwork with the local board of ed. They had actually issued a proclomation that cited their support to the military families and communities and I wrote to them about my experiences. I asked them is this what they had in mind when they wrote that creedo of support. So, I think only awareness came from that as well as they know my name now. I'm keeping my boys as busy as I can without making it too much for them.

Thanks for all the posts, ladies. Appreciate it more than you know. If I left anything out that you want to know, please let me know.

Laura :)

I teach in San Diego, very military oriented, and you can go to the school board with this if the problem continues. No teacher should ever say such things-especially in this case and in front of your child. Furthermore, if she is burnt out she should not be there.

I'm glad your son is having better days. :)

I personally, went through an experience like this when I was much younger with the exception that the teachers weren't like the one that was so rude and unprofessional. It was the beginning of Desert Storm and I had a hard time with my Daddy being away. I didn't want to go to school, all I wanted to do was stay with my Mom since my Dad had left. It is very hard on a child, I don't remember how I got through the school days (they're all a big blur) but I do remember the principal letting me to go her office when I needed someone to talk to.

My Mom used to have me draw pictures every night of what I did that day and then put it in a scrap book for when my Dad came home-he still has it to this day. She also let me help come up with ideas for dinner and for a welcome home party for Dad even though the ideas changed everyday. She helped me focus on my Dad coming home, not being gone. It made it easier to cope.

I remember seeing some to help children cope with deployments so I'll post those links here for you. I'm also going to see if I can find the link for a free DVD from Sesame Street made specially for children who has a parent deployed.

This site has workbooks for children of the ages 3-15:http://www.lewisfamilyfocus.com/2003/children.htm
The Healthy Parent Toolkit for Deployments: http://www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil/portal/page/mhf/MHF/MHF_DETAIL_1?section_id=20.40.500.420.0.0.0.0.0&current_id=20.40.500.420.500.70.30.60.0
Life size posters of Daddy: http://www.imalreadyhome.com/
Sesame Street Workshop DVD (I have this for my daughter): http://www.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/

I really hope the right things get done with that teacher, the way she behaved was very out of line.

And I really hope your son adjusts to his Daddy being deployed soon and is able to get through the days better.

I was told that the teacher felt she did nothing wrong. The principal told me this teacher is burned out and tired, and has been at it a long time. I kind of suspected this. You kinda get it when you see her. I ended up filing a complaint against her. I tried to get the apology and the principal said the teacher was refusing. I filed the complaint and now it's on her record.

My son is having better days, but it's sprinkled still, with some anger and sadness. Still, it's so much better. He used to flat out refuse to go to school. He would scream and cry and beg to stay with me. Truly heartwrenching. This is my 3rd deployment, but this child's first. Each child has handled it so differently.

The teachers have given my son a special place in their classrooms to go when he feels sad and wants to be alone. (He used to go and hide in his cubby.) They've also--upon my request--have gotten him involved with the gardening on the school grounds. My son loves to garden, and we live in an apartment.

As far as being in a military town--I was puzzled, too, that the schools were dumbstruck to deal with my boys. My older son's highschool has done absolutely nothing. I fought that battle with paperwork with the local board of ed. They had actually issued a proclomation that cited their support to the military families and communities and I wrote to them about my experiences. I asked them is this what they had in mind when they wrote that creedo of support. So, I think only awareness came from that as well as they know my name now. I'm keeping my boys as busy as I can without making it too much for them.

Thanks for all the posts, ladies. Appreciate it more than you know. If I left anything out that you want to know, please let me know.

Laura :)

I teach in Virginia Beach. A huge number of our kids are military, and besides the sheer numbers of retired military and military spouses within the school system itself, we also get regular training (and reminders) about deploying units, large-scale rotations, etc, etc.

I can't say enough how sorry I am that your little guy got put in this situation; I'm sure it totally sucks for all of you. As I was reading, I started to wonder if maybe your son isn't feeling like everyone (except his mother) whome he is expected to go to for support, are kind of leaving him hanging (teacher, counselor, principal, etc).

Schools in the NoVa area would have a very difficult time catering to the special needs of each child, since there are so many from v myriad of ethnic, racial, religious, cultural, family background and situations. With that in mind, maybe you could do something to make you little guy's situation a positive rather than a negative, to turn this thing that makes him a subject of grief/pity/frustration, to now make him "the cool kid." ;-) Specifically, maybe you could involve yourself in the classroom with the teacher and see if your son's class would like to adopt your husband's unit. The kids could have a short time maybe once a week where they make cards, write little stories, write letters, whatever, and you can send them to your husband's unit (actually, the school can mail them on their budget). Chances are the kids will get a ton of replies from members of your husband's unit, and after a little while, it could be Brian's (grin) Special Art Class!!!!! In other words, instead of things that isolate him from other kids (he stands out as 'different' if he has to go to a special place in the room, or if he does the gardening), make it an opportunity for him to educate the rest of the class.

Depending on the age of your son, the Flat Stanley project could be a hoot. It's pretty funny, midway through a deployment, to see a bunch of servicemembers pull out the little colored paper doll and start taking pictures of Flat Stanley in Dubai, Flat Stanley on the jet launch, Flat Stanley in the chow line, Flat Stanley rebuilding an orphanage, things like that. the kids compare to see who has the coolest Flat Stanley, and it's great fun for everyone.

I hope things go better for all of you; I'm sure it pains you greatly to see your little guy being treated like this.

What a thoughtful post. Thank you for your response. It was great to get the perspective from someone who walked in the shoes of being the kid waiting for daddy. I'm hitting the hay now, but I'm going to look at all the sites you posted.

I'm really touched with what you shared with me. Thanks for caring :hi

Laura

What a thoughtful post. Thank you for your response. It was great to get the perspective from someone who walked in the shoes of being the kid waiting for daddy. I'm hitting the hay now, but I'm going to look at all the sites you posted.

I'm really touched with what you shared with me. Thanks for caring :hi

Laura

You're very welcome. I really hope that something if not everything I showed you helps. I know it's not easy for either parties-the kid, the parent at home, or the parent deployed. Good luck and I really hope your son is able to cope a little better with Daddy being gone.