Ok, this wasn't in the news, but it's news to me. I did not know that the divorce rate for the first years of marriage (I can't remember if it was 3 or 5) was 65% in the US. Even more disturbing, for E1 - E5 military members, it's about 10% higher!

In some ways, I am glad to hear it's only a 10% difference, because talking to people, you can easily get the impression that the military suffers a much higher divorce rate than the civilian world.

But when you factor in how high the country's divorce rate for the first years of marriage is, then that is really scary.

That means that 3 out 4 marriages in the E1 - E5 ranks is failing withing the first 3 - 5 years! That is so sad.

I learned this last night from a Navy Chaplain, and he said these statistics are why they are pushing commands to force 6 weeks of pre-marital counseling before approving marriage chits. I think that is a pretty good idea. I know dh's command couldn't have cared less when we got married. But if 3 our 4 marriages are failing in those ranks, imagine how many guys are out there right now, feeling hurt or angry or generally distracted. That is scary! I'm glad they are trying to help this situation, that's for sure.

I'm going to try to get dh and I signed up for that couple's retreat the Spiritual Wellness (Fitness?) center offers. We could use a little communication revamping before we hit our 5 year anniversary this May. (We're almost out of the woods for that killer statistic! :woot)

It is a very hard life, and if you don't have realistic expectations going in, it only gets harder. I have seen many marriages fall apart the first few years. It is sad, but I get it.

I think it's easier to give up than work on things. We are at 3 years on Valentine's Day, and it has been a hard 3 years but well worth it for us! Giving up isn't an option for me!

I don't really even know anyone who hasn't been divorced at least once (myself included). It's funny, I was with my X for 8 years before we got married, but then we got married and split 2.5 years later, so we didn't even make it to the 3 year mark married.

Deployments are really hard on relationships, I know that's one of the reasons that DH's first marriage split up, she didn't deal well with him being gone. I really think that in order to make a marriage work through all the separations that the wife needs to be a strong and independent person to begin with. I think counseling is a good idea too, and not an option enough people utilize.

Well I have 4 friends from high school who got married just because their boyfriends were being deployed, now they are all divorced. If people are marrying for the wrong reasons ( of course not all or even most are) what can we expect. And just so everyone knows I am not saying if you get married quickly or young it isn't going to work out, because I know that is not always the case, but it most likely does not help the situation, it can definitively makes it harder.

Apparently anyone who marries under 25 are also at a huge risk of divorce. Something like 8 out of 10

We got married when DH was an E-5, we were both 20. We'll be celebrating 5 years come December. LIFE, in general, is hard!!!!!! Now-a-days marriages seems to be treated like disposable plates!!!! Once the plate is dirty, throw it away and get a new one, is the concept to many!!!!

Thankfully, with LOTS AND LOTS of help and advice, we overcame the need for divorce!!!

I think too many people just don't put the effort in to save a marriage anymore. DH and I have had our fair share of problems and I can guarantee you that 75% of the people who hear our story say they would've split. But we worked very hard, and we are stronger for it.

I think too many people just don't put the effort in to save a marriage anymore. DH and I have had our fair share of problems and I can guarantee you that 75% of the people who hear our story say they would've split. But we worked very hard, and we are stronger for it.
:yes
I agree!!!!!!!

It is very sad and scary. Unfortunately (like Elizabeth said) for some people giving up is easier than working on things. Some others go into a marriage asking to them self "What am I doing? is this really going to work?" Some others marry a military person and don't really know what to expect till you actually start going through it.
I think even if you don't have any problems in your relationship going to any type of marriage retreats from time to time is a good idea.

The chaplain also said that 9 out of 10 (rough estimate of course, not a fact) of the sailors that come in about divorce have NOT been to one minute of counseling. That is scary too, that so many people jump right to signing papers, instead of trying to work it out.

Kristen could you tell me more about the retreat you are talking about? Please :)

Well I have 4 friends from high school who got married just because their boyfriends were being deployed, now they are all divorced. If people are marrying for the wrong reasons ( of course not all or even most are) what can we expect. And just so everyone knows I am not saying if you get married quickly or young it isn't going to work out, because I know that is not always the case, but it most likely does not help the situation, it can definitively makes it harder.

I agree with this...a girl I went to high school with got married very soon (like a few months) after meeting this guy. The married because he was in the army and moving away. A few months later she was back because it didn't work out...DUH!!

However I have another friend who dated her boyfriend for about 9 months, then got married (our JUNIOR year of high school) moved to Virginia with him, graduated high school and just recently college. Has a beautiful little girl and another one on the way and just recently celebrated her 5th wedding anniversary....

So it can work...it takes lots of hard work and effort, this lifestyle is not the easiest!!

Kristen could you tell me more about the retreat you are talking about? Please :)

Sure!

Some of the biggest commands have a CREDO office - but they are changing the name to Spritual Wellness or Spiritual Fitness. Norfolk, Mayport, LeJeune, Pendleton, Groton, San Diego, and somewhere in Japan are the ones he mentioned.

Through them, and probably through any Chaplain's office at smaller bases, you can sign up for the "Marriage Enrichment Retreat" and/or the family version of it if you have kids.

According the the Chaplain last night, every sailor who is married is entitled to one retreat per year, and if you have kids, you are entitled to one family retreat in addition to the couple's retreat every year.

It's usually 2 nights, 3 days, at a hotel. He said it's free of course, and the command should issue TDY orders for the sailor so that he isn't using leave. They usually run at some point between Tuesday and Sunday morning, so no matter what, you never lose your entire weekend.

The topics change, but the focus is on building your marriage up and improving communication.

It sounds like an awesome benefit to me, that I never knew about! I just called, and they only have slots available right now at a time we probably can't go, but I'll keep trying!

We're doing the Weekend to Remember conference, (http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204559/k.F5BB/Attend_a_conference.htm) next week!

We were married at 20 and we are working on our 9year anniversary come April. I guess if you got the right one you can make it work no matter the odds.

DH and I got married when I was 19, and he was 20. We've been married for 7 years now. :wub I don't believe in Divorce personally. Its sad that so many people give up instead of trying to work through problems (I know there are exceptions to this).

When I was young, and not in a serious relationship, I had a very poor outlook on marriage. I always said that I would never vow 'till death do us part' because that was a joke, and setting yourself up for failure.

I even told these things to dh when we first started dating!

I've changed my views since then obviously. I think back then, it was a defense mechanism to protect my heart. Until I met dh, I couldn't imagine giving that much of myself to a person, and being that vulnerable. So I can see how people treat marriage like a disposable paper plate (I love that image Victoria!). If I had married someone else, I might feel that way still. I consider myself lucky that I found someone who allowed me to grow in my views of marriage BEFORE I got married.

We'll be married 21 years this year and we were married when I was 19 and he was 21.
Yes it's been hard, but it's been good too. I'm not sure it ever gets "easier" it's just different problems or different seasons of life one partner or both will go through over the years.

Weve had alot of friends (military couples) split at the 18-22 year mark. We could never understand why but now that we are there, retirement nearing, kids gearing up to leave the nest...we totally are seeing why they split but we continue to strive and work at marriage.

I think you have to no matter how long you've been married or what age you were when you married.

Being married to the military makes it even more difficult and stressful but it's not something that people can't overcome.

It is a very hard life, and if you don't have realistic expectations going in, it only gets harder. I have seen many marriages fall apart the first few years. It is sad, but I get it.

I agree.. DH and I have seen countless divorces during our marriage.. it's sad, but for some divorce is a good thing.

We got married when I was 18 and DH 20. Yes, by the standards of most, we should have divorced a long time ago. But we have fought to come back from everything we have dealt with and will be married for 12 years in May.

DH was an E4 when we got married. His CO set up an appt, and had DH and I go to his house for dinner with him and his wife. He wanted to "make absolute certain, I knew what I was getting into." His words, not mine. I am glad he did it. Even though I grew up military, I found out some things that I didnt know and same with DH.

We just celebrated our 10 yr anniversary! We were married at 16 and 19 and had a disabled/ special needs child and joined the military all in one year, but some how we got through it without any major problems.. I truely feel blessed.
I think one of the most important things we did before we married was go to marriage counsling, it gave us a great start and foundation.

I'm not suprised at the rates. DH and I have been having issues and he really seemed like he was ready to just jump ship, but as soon as I said I wanted to go to talk to someone or something to try to work it out, it was like all he needed was for me to reinforce the fact I wanted to be married to him.
Things with us are getting better everyday and hopefully when he is back home we will go talk to someone and it will just help us get back on track :) I don't believe in divorce, and hopefully with a lot of hard work we won't ever have to go through that.

:ohno Ive been married 5 1/2 months

Divorce rate as gone up because its socially acceptable to be divorced now. In the past, marriage was forever, no matter how unhappy you were, and it was taboo. Now there is all this doubting shit, and if you aren't happy then you have the right to be happy and yadyaydda. so many fucking choices now. so many things we have to have to be happy.
can't we just have some simplicity?

DH & I married at 19 when he was in A-School. We'll be hitting 8 years this May :wub

Not only are divorce rates higher among the military, as the Chaplain stated, but alcoholism and domestic abuse rates are also higher among military couples.

I think one must make a concerted effort to recognize the pitfalls before marrying into the lifestyle. But, optimistically, I believe everyone has the choice to avoid becoming a statistic.

Regarding the comments about divorce as an easy out: I think that when divorce does happen to a couple, that it's not something that was easy for them, or that society made easy for them. Both marriage and divorce is hard. My own divorce was horrific. For just one example - My ex put my cats to sleep as an act of revenge.

So yes, marrying the right guy is critical. I absolutely believe in going slow and taking counseling when possible to prepare for it. But, when the marriage needs to end, it should be ended.

My Dh and I have talked about this issue recently and basically we both NO in our hearts we'll never EVER become and statistic. I doesn't affect me but I do believe now adays people get married for the wrong reasons and than give up Wayy to easily.

here are the stats that scare me...70% of marriages under the age of 25 end in divorce, and i have heard 70% for military marriages too...

I AM IN BOTH OF THOSE CATEGORIES!!!

I'm all for beating the stats, though!!! :yes

DH and I married when I was 18, and he was an E-3. We've been married 10.5 years now, and it's been hard at times, but neither one of us ever stopped believing in the commitment we'd made to each other. We also take advantage of every couples retreat or seminar that we can make it too. Some of the advice/tips they give have probably saved our marriage.
I agree with those that said that so many people think marriage is "disposable", something that, if it doesn't work out, they can always get divorced. Out of all my high school friends, I got married the youngest, had a child a year and a half later, all to a man with a very low income, and I'm the only one who's still on her first marriage. I think you get out of your marriage what you put into it. If you're not willing to give,compromise and work at it, it will fail, be it a civilian or a military marriage.