Where is the balance between censoring my feelings and thoughts because he's in iraq and telling him how i really feel.

Where is the balance in asking for help and not being a burden?

Where is the balance of asking for help, not getting it, and it being "OK" because he's deployed

Where is the balance between caring more about his needs than mine?

Where is the balance between not getting what i need being reasonable and unreasonable?

I'm struggling. I need help. I turn where I feel I should turn and help can't be given. Where do I turn next? What do I do? All I ever wanted was to make dh happy, feel loved, cared for, safe, etc... apparently i forgot about myself in that. i'm really having a hard time and i dont know how to deal with everything right now. Too much going on at once. too many failures in a row.

happy vibes please. Hugs. Smiles. words of advice. anything. :)

:hugs

But, honestly, I'm at that same exact point right now.
I don't know what to say it's like I'm walking on egg shells because I don't want him to stress out but at the same time I have NO ONE to talk to about big issues that are happening to me right now.

I need some guidance too :(

:hugs

But, honestly, I'm at that same exact point right now.
I don't know what to say it's like I'm walking on egg shells because I don't want him to stress out but at the same time I have NO ONE to talk to about big issues that are happening to me right now.

I need some guidance too :(

Me too. I try not to tell him how upset and stressed I am. But I don't have anyone else to talk to really. DH gets MAD when i dont tell him things. He says communication is key and he wants to know how i'm feeling no matter what. But when i do try and tell him how i'm feeling, he doesn't seem to notice. Its hard for me to open up. So when i say "Honey i'm having a really hard time right now, i need you" and he says "So this is what we did today bla bla bla bla bal" To me, that says he didn't want to know what was going on. Then I finally mention it again and he reminds me its 7 mins til his bedtime. I dont get it. Apparently i'm not doing something right. i'm just in a rough spot right now. And will be for, really, at least 2 more months. Guess i just need to find other ways to deal without relying on DH.

In our deployment world..there is no censorship...we tell all :D

I talk to DB about it all, censorship in a relationship is bad, once I ripped him a new one for forgetting something, then apologized in an email and he got mad at me because he thought I was backing down because he was on deployment, I wasn't but it made a good point.

It's not ok for you to get the help just because he is on deployment, or have to censor yourself for his sake. you should be able to talk to him about it all.

You should be able to talk to him about everything. A relationship does not go on "pause" because they are deployed. Your thoughts and feelings mean just as much as his do right now.

I went and thought about my comment and I realized that it may sound like "haha f*ck you we can tell each other anything" thats not what I ment at all. I ment it more like we tell all and I think everyone should do that because iys important

:hugs For me, one of the things I do is I'll write a letter and every once in awhile I know I went too far and will rewrite it and try to have it not be so rash. I still get my point across without completely losing it. I really try my hardest to get my point across but not have it seem like the world is coming to an end. Things aren't all kittens and roses on the other end of the spectrum(meaning our side).

do you know other spouses to talk to? can you join the wives club or something to meet people? I have found that other wives here on base are a great outlet for those type of things. I don't hide things from my DH, if I miss him, I tell him. If I am having a sucky day, I tell him. I don't give him gory details though about how I spent the entire last night crying on the couch, or how I have bad days and never want to leave the house. I don't ever lie about how I am feeling, but I don't paint out a picture to him where I think he might worry about me. Truth is, I will be ok, and I will get through this again, just like before, but I have good days and I have bad days. That is normal. he doesn't need the gory details.

Im sorry we are not married so i dont know how all the big issues are but i do know DB is the one i tell EVERYTHING to... all about bad days bad grades money problems hes my vent and im his and while he has been gone its been tough to just keep it bottled up inside.... i can only imagine how hard this is for those of you who are married!!!! Im so sorry i have no advice i just wanted to let you know that somebody -me- is admiring you and your strength!!!!

I talk to DB about it all, censorship in a relationship is bad, once I ripped him a new one for forgetting something, then apologized in an email and he got mad at me because he thought I was backing down because he was on deployment, I wasn't but it made a good point.

It's not ok for you to get the help just because he is on deployment, or have to censor yourself for his sake. you should be able to talk to him about it all.

On the flip side I really think you need to gage where HE is at the time you deicde to talk to him. I think back and I held too much in and it all came out at once which was aweful but there have been many days when he's asked that we not talk about anything too heavy cause he's just hangin on....I think you should share BUT make sure he's in a good place the day you talk to him about it

I kinda think it is important to be as open as possible during a deployment...yes i should take me own advice haha...but honesty only makes things better...so I think you should tell him if something is bothering you!!!

Wow I feel like I could have written your exact post just a couple of days ago! And I have a feeling that a lot of other ladies are in the same boat. There really is no easy answer to this one but I say try talking to someone back home first and then if that doesn't work my DH and I have venting sessions where he'll let out all his frustrations and then its my turn. It's almost like a game where we encourage each other to let it all out....anything and everything thats on our mind no matter how stupid. Usually when were done we laugh about it all and remind each other that this is why we love each other so much. I hope this helps some and remember everyday that passes brings him that much closer to you!:hugehug

In our deployment world..there is no censorship...we tell all :D

:agree That is us too... i think you have to in order to survive deployments. JMO

Where is the balance between censoring my feelings and thoughts because he's in iraq and telling him how i really feel.

Where is the balance in asking for help and not being a burden?

Where is the balance of asking for help, not getting it, and it being "OK" because he's deployed

Where is the balance between caring more about his needs than mine?

Where is the balance between not getting what i need being reasonable and unreasonable?

I'm struggling. I need help. I turn where I feel I should turn and help can't be given. Where do I turn next? What do I do? All I ever wanted was to make dh happy, feel loved, cared for, safe, etc... apparently i forgot about myself in that. i'm really having a hard time and i dont know how to deal with everything right now. Too much going on at once. too many failures in a row.

happy vibes please. Hugs. Smiles. words of advice. anything. :)

I have to walk that same fine line too because DB specifically begged me to keep the things that would possibly lead to an argument down. Since he has been gone I have tried not to be as malicious as I was during training, but I've had to voice my opinions and feelings in a way that was not so sugar-coated. Others have said you should be able to say anything, but if that's not the nature of your relationship and you do have to walk a fine line, just try to make your point as best you can without creating a problem.
Let him know that you need some support sent your way too. It took DB a long time and countless tiffs for him to get the point....we need to support each other. Thank God he eventually came around!

Best wishes to you and I hope for a smoother road ahead.:hugs

But when i do try and tell him how i'm feeling, he doesn't seem to notice. Its hard for me to open up. So when i say "Honey i'm having a really hard time right now, i need you" and he says "So this is what we did today bla bla bla bla bal" To me, that says he didn't want to know what was going on. Then I finally mention it again and he reminds me its 7 mins til his bedtime. I dont get it...

Maybe this is just his way of coping because he wants to help you but he feels like he can't because he is so far away. So he changes the subject because he wants to just think that you are doing fine because it is painful for him to hear that you aren't. He may not even realize he is doing it.

But I definitely think you should talk to him about this and just let him know that things ARE hard for you and that you know there isn't much he can do to help you being so far away but that some words of support would mean A LOT. Let him know that by him changing the subject when you try to open up about how you are feeling makes you feel like he doesn't care.

If you don't talk to him about now, it will probably come out sooner or later anyway because eventually you will reach your breaking point and then let him know about it and not very nicely (or at least that has been my experience). So I would try to talk to him calmly about it now and explain how you are feeling, and hopefully he will be more understanding and supportive in the future.

You should be able to talk to him about everything.. BUT--- try to remember not to make it sound like he could have changed anything about it by being home, don't make it sound like you blame him, or it was caused by him being gone. i don't hide things from him while he is gone, just am careful about how it is worded. good luck, it's a hard line to walk!

You should be able to talk to him about everything. A relationship does not go on "pause" because they are deployed. Your thoughts and feelings mean just as much as his do right now.

I agree! Its the only way it works for us. I have tried to suprress things in the past, thinking I was helping him. I was only hurting both of us. I try to talk to him about everything.