I've been reading through the Parting Ways posts today, so I thought I'd put a few things out there. It's not meant to encourage or discourage in any way, just help me get some sleep tonight. It's 4am here and I have to get up in an hour. :no

So its been over a year since I split with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life in blissful happiness with. The breakup was completely out of the blue, at a point where we were blissfully happy, making plans for the future and really settling into a life together. Then he up and ended it. Said he still loved me and always would. Said some bullshit about not being sure if he wanted kids. Then waltzed away (combined with heavy drinking and erratic behavior). I was just literally stunned for weeks. I didn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I cried all day at work - I still went to work because I couldn't bear to be home alone with the memories. Keeping busy helped.

I fought for him. I seriously did. I fought for him Hollywood romantic movie style. I got on the next plane and showed up on his doorstep so that he could tell me he was breaking up with me face to face, and theoretically, work it out having him realize how much he loved me. I wrote several pages worth of everything I wanted to tell him. I read that to him. I gave those pages to him. But in the end, that man has one hell of a steel heart. He never looked back.

I had wanted to remain friends, so we had intermittant e-mails, but I know that his heart wasn't in it. That he was just doing it out of some sort of pity for me. I finally listened to the advice of friends and cut contact. I still have mixed feelings on this. It didn't make me think of him any less, and just left everything hanging still. We resumed contact this autumn, by way of a few inconsistant e-mails. Recently he's been mentioning his new girlfriend, one who is "closer to his age" (he was ten years older than me). I really just don't want to hear it. I hurts like a bitch because I still love him. It's so unfair and pathetic that I still cry over him, that I still miss him, that I'm not forgetting about him and moving on like everyone claimed I would. No matter how strong I am, it just sucks. Maybe I should cut contact again, but I still care, still will want to know that he's doing okay when we're both old and grey.

I guess over a year later the biggest problem for me is that I have no resolution, no closure. I still feel that he lied about the reasons for leaving me, or rather, chose not to disclose the whole truth. I'm no less confused today than I was a year ago. It made no sense, and trust me, I came up with all the scenarios. That relationship is like this chip on my shoulder that I would love to be able to move on from, but just can't figure out how to cut ties without help. I mean, I started dating about a month after the split - just to get my mind off things. It helped. But I've noticed that my relationships are all with men that I don't see a future with from day 1 and that I constantly compare them to the bliss of my relationship with the ex. It's like the bar was set so freakin' high that no one seems to be able to come close. And maybe they could, but I have so many trust issues now. I don't want to open my heart back up again because it was way too debehilitating the first time when the one person I ever completely trusted body and soul, tore my heart out and abandoned me for no clear reason. I don't wish that sort of pain that just sits in your core 24/7 on anyone, let alone want to go through it again.

Anyway, I've been reading a lot of hopeful advice about how girls and their DBs broke up, but that he came around with their perserverence and unconditional love. I just want to say that it just doesn't happen sometimes. Sometimes you are just stuck in this confused pergatory afterwards - without resolution, without the man you love with all your heart. And all you can do it just kind of sit there and accept it, continue to live your life with the hole in your chest, since they've moved on with their lives.

But on the otherhand, I don't think just immediately moving on and forgetting about him is sound advice either. When you're in that position, you simply can't. You need time to grieve. It's entirely legitimate to still be upset 6 months or more out, in my opinion, if it was a strong, serious relationship. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you've grieved enough. Everyone gets over things in their own time. I got rid of all physical reminders of our relationship, I cut contact, I started dating and got a new boyfriend, took up many new hobbies, surrounded myself with friends and new experiences, improved my physical health - all of those things you're supposed to do to help move on. But late at night, my heart still aches. Yes, things are certainly easier and better with time - and I sure as hell have given it a lot of time - but not gone altogether. You just kind of have to wait.

I guess I just wanted you girls going through break-ups to know that everything you're feeling is entirely valid. Your fears, your pain, your love. Fighting your ass off for your man doesn't always give you the happy ending or reconciliation that you deserve, but at least it leaves you with no regrets. I think that's very important. Knowing that you did all you could makes the heartache sit a little easier at least - you realize that you aren't to blame for the failure of the relationship, that it was out of your hands after a certain point.

If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I'm always around still sorting through this stuff from time to time myself. I feel rather like an expert these days with how to cope with a break-up. Or at least I know all of the stuff that doesn't seem to help. :mumble The best thing I ever did though was join the gym - the treadmill is an evil taskmaster that doesn't care how much you hurt inside, it will make you hurt on the outside too. :wink

Speaking of which, I haven't slept a wink and its time to go for my morning run. Awesome.

wow
you are an incredibly strong woman
i wish you all the best

i agee. you're awesomely strong and i admire that. and truthfully you sound like me with some of the things you said...including about the treadmill..i always go and get on the treadmill wen im angry or upset about this stuff cuz it helps for some reason.
:hugs :hugs i'm so sorry you had to and still deal with this. i actually feel like thats gonna b me a year from this break up with DF...its so devastatingly hard and i cant even seem to take too much of a step forward. its killing me. i was just laying here now thinking about when he was home and just laying next to him and him telling me he'd be right with me forever and never let me go...i never get sleep anymore..its just out of the question...and i just dont have anything else on my mind but him.
all the best of luck to you :hugs you're so strong <3
i hate that we have to deal with pain like this..its ridiculous..but alot of the things you said i can relate with <3

take care..you seem like such a wonderful person

(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)

wow! You just wrote my story out. I fought so hard for Justin, even willing to just have a friendship, and seven months later I'm crying like the breakup just happened. I am finally ready to give up onto that lingering hope that he'll "see the light" but I'm not quite ready to put the pictures and memories away, you know?
You definitely have strength because you get up every single and live your life. YOu should be proud of that. Some days my smile is extremely fake but other times I catch myself smiling without the heaviness on my heart. I know I will have more days like that. I just don't know how long it will take.
Take care and thank you for this post. :)

I admire your strength.
I look at all these beautiful women that these stupid men throw away like an old wornout sock. and I realize that they are the ones that are loosing out. They could have had a great life with a wonderful woman but thats not enough, they want more...
One example is my dad. He left my mom when I was a child and up until he died he kept saying that the biggest mistake in his life was leaving her..
She went on with her life and found happiness and he went from GF to GF and ended up dying all alone ....
You will all find someone that truly deserve you .... :grouphug

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
and finds in your presence that life is worth while.
So when you are lonely, remember it's true
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.

:hugehug :hugehug :hugehug :hugehug

Thanks, girls, for everything you've said. I don't think I'm a strong person at all. If I would, I'd have boxed all this crap up and tossed it into the river months ago. Yeah, I didn't have a nervous breakdown, but I mean, I'm a relatively optimistic person and love life itself. I know that no one is worth that. It's just survival, coping day to day when something so special is gone from your life.

I guess I just feel like I have this emptiness in my chest still, and I've built up all these big walls so that I stay safe in spite of the hole. I hate having the walls up, but am too scared to tear them down. I'm just hoping that one day when the walls are taken down that the hole will have healed up on its own. I'm a little worried that a muggy dark concealed environment is all that conducive to healing though. (Hopefully you got through that whole metaphor. :P)

i agee. you're awesomely strong and i admire that. and truthfully you sound like me with some of the things you said...including about the treadmill..i always go and get on the treadmill wen im angry or upset about this stuff cuz it helps for some reason.
:hugs :hugs i'm so sorry you had to and still deal with this. i actually feel like thats gonna b me a year from this break up with DF...its so devastatingly hard and i cant even seem to take too much of a step forward. its killing me. i was just laying here now thinking about when he was home and just laying next to him and him telling me he'd be right with me forever and never let me go...i never get sleep anymore..its just out of the question...and i just dont have anything else on my mind but him.
all the best of luck to you :hugs you're so strong <3
i hate that we have to deal with pain like this..its ridiculous..but alot of the things you said i can relate with <3

take care..you seem like such a wonderful person

(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)

It's the worst when you just lay there reliving things he said when you two were happy and together. How can they say that shit and not really mean it and mean it forever? How can they just walk away? For me it always seemed so surreal at the time, that how could it be possible to be this happy, how could I have been so blessed? And then.. its all gone.

I guess until you somehow magically find that again, you're never going to be able to just forget that stuff. The real problem is somehow finding something even better, because you're still trapped in that past relationship, unconsciously not opening yourself up to possibilities.

wow! You just wrote my story out. I fought so hard for Justin, even willing to just have a friendship, and seven months later I'm crying like the breakup just happened. I am finally ready to give up onto that lingering hope that he'll "see the light" but I'm not quite ready to put the pictures and memories away, you know?
You definitely have strength because you get up every single and live your life. YOu should be proud of that. Some days my smile is extremely fake but other times I catch myself smiling without the heaviness on my heart. I know I will have more days like that. I just don't know how long it will take.
Take care and thank you for this post. :)

Around the 6 month point I was a mess myself. I had gotten myself into a relationship with a totally smarmy marine suffering from ptsd who then was just a total ass in the end. It just brought up everything all over again and I realized that I'd just been trying to recapture whatever it was with my ex through this one. That it wasn't worth it, that I was just hurting and let someone new hurt me. But the month of August was total crap, it felt like a downward spiral - not outwardly, but I was coping with a lot at home on my own. It was the whole annivesary of when we met a couple years before. Just no good. You keep going forward though. Eventually you cry less. I don't keep track, but I'm sure that I've only actually cried over him twice in the past month or so. I do think about it a lot though, like really cheesy stuff like running into him and looking ridiculously fit and hot.

I think that the hardest part is reconciling what I want and what I am doing in response to what he said or does. If I can move on entirely, its best for me. I *do* want that. But at the same time, he had to put crap out there about me being better off without him, that I'd find a man that would make me happier than he did (I'm really not sure if that's physically possible, but I will let you know if I reach some higher state of ecstacy one day). But its like, well, no - I really did/do love you that much, and what if this was our chance, we blew it and I'm going to be an old lady in a nursing home wondering how I let the love of my life get away fifty years ago? I mean, at this point, its really impossible for me to want to be with anyone. I just want to be on my own, since it didn't work out. And so I'm stuck fighting this battle with myself, do I plan a life and make a career that ultimately does not make room for a family or make relationships easy, or is my passion for this career change just longterm backlash from a terrible breakup and the disintegration of my original plans?

I'm sorry you went through a break up like that. I know you don't think you're strong, but you are. I admire your strength. The strong do not believe they are strong until they look back at the past and see what they've survived. I believe that there are those women out there who really never stop loving their first true love. The heart doesn't always agree with the head when it comes to letting go. Healing takes as long as it takes. Don't feel rushed or weird because you still love him. I was the same way (for 2 years). I'm sorry you didn't get the closure you deserve and need. Your advice is good and I find myself thinking the same things. Thank you for posting here. Much of what you wrote needed to be said.

Oh, Shannon - you are a great person. Like I said the other day - when you LEAST Expect it, it will happen for you.... Do for you. Make YOU happy. You are right about grief...you have to grieve - but also at some point you have to let go, and it's hard. Always remember though.....You have to be happy with You. You did nothing wrong. He was just the wrong guy. The right one will come along. :hugs

Ya know, I can relate to this. I dated someone for 4 years. We were going to get married and all that crap. When we ended I thought that I would never get over that pain. So many people told me that he would come back. He didn't and for 3 years after I was REALLY single. I began to think that I would never find someone who would fill the void he left. But in the end I grew strong and learned a lot about myself. Then I met DH and I was better prepared to be a better girlfriend, fiance and wife to him because I was a better person.