I have an 8month old with my DF and a 7 year old from a previous marriage. I'm not so much worried about the baby, I realize it will be an adjustment for him once DF comes home and he may be shy around him at first. DF knows this too, and we have talked about it extensively and I really think he'll bounce back so that's not really my question...

My 7 year old thinks my DF hung the moon. He is CRAZY about him!! The problem is that my exhusband treats our 7 year old like shit and the 7 year old never wants to go with him for weekend visitations. I honestly think if I had the right kind of money, he never have anything to do with my son again. It's a different life at his dad's house. His dad screams and yells all the time, never plays with him, makes promises he never comes through with... stuff like that. Hell, I had to get a court order so that he could play sports for crying out loud.

My 7 year old is really struggling with my DF being gone. He misses him so much and loves him like like a father. We are always writing him letters or making him crafts. The other night, my son was making a family portrait to mail to him when it dawned on him that everyone in this house would soon have a different last name than him and he was distraught. I tried explaining that growing up, I was also the only person with my last name and that I understood totally. I tried to tell him that something so silly as a last name didn't make him any less family than the rest of us.

Has anyone else had the particular of having a step child who is missing a deployed soldier? All the camps and day outings that the FRG (which is 4 hours away from us) hosts are for children of soldiers, not step children whose parents aren't quite married yet. When I discussed this with the FRG, they said that once we're married, my son can participate. WTF? So he's out in the cold until we're married? Does anyone have any advice? Books to read? ANYTHING??? My son has been seeing a counselor since just before the deployment to help him deal with some of the issues he has with his father and with his fears of this deployment and she is appalled that the FRG is excluding him. Has anyone else had to deal with something similar to this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. :dunno

I have an 8month old with my DF and a 7 year old from a previous marriage. I'm not so much worried about the baby, I realize it will be an adjustment for him once DF comes home and he may be shy around him at first. DF knows this too, and we have talked about it extensively and I really think he'll bounce back so that's not really my question...

My 7 year old thinks my DF hung the moon. He is CRAZY about him!! The problem is that my exhusband treats our 7 year old like shit and the 7 year old never wants to go with him for weekend visitations. I honestly think if I had the right kind of money, he never have anything to do with my son again. It's a different life at his dad's house. His dad screams and yells all the time, never plays with him, makes promises he never comes through with... stuff like that. Hell, I had to get a court order so that he could play sports for crying out loud.

My 7 year old is really struggling with my DF being gone. He misses him so much and loves him like like a father. We are always writing him letters or making him crafts. The other night, my son was making a family portrait to mail to him when it dawned on him that everyone in this house would soon have a different last name than him and he was distraught. I tried explaining that growing up, I was also the only person with my last name and that I understood totally. I tried to tell him that something so silly as a last name didn't make him any less family than the rest of us.

Has anyone else had the particular of having a step child who is missing a deployed soldier? All the camps and day outings that the FRG (which is 4 hours away from us) hosts are for children of soldiers, not step children whose parents aren't quite married yet. When I discussed this with the FRG, they said that once we're married, my son can participate. WTF? So he's out in the cold until we're married? Does anyone have any advice? Books to read? ANYTHING??? My son has been seeing a counselor since just before the deployment to help him deal with some of the issues he has with his father and with his fears of this deployment and she is appalled that the FRG is excluding him. Has anyone else had to deal with something similar to this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. :dunno


Well, first, as to the bolded part: yes, until you are married your son isn't a military dependent and can't participate in FRG outings or camps. :dunno That's just regulations, I wouldn't take it so personally. WHy is his counselor "appalled" about it? It isn't that YOUR son is being excluded, its that the FRG is for dependents.

If post is four hours away, how often would you attend these outings, anyway? Why put so much importance on them?

As for advice, I say that its a good thing to have him counseling and instead of bitching about the FRG, the counselor should be working through his issues with him. It sounds like you at home are doing great things - the crafts and writing letters.

Does your DF have a webcam and can he webam with your son?

And as to the last name, would your son's father agree to having your DF adopt your son when you marry? Or do a legal name change for your son?

:hugs Deployment is rough on kids, and I'm sorry that not being married is making it even harder. I know that must seem so unfair, but as I said, I wouldn't take it so personally. No sense in feeling "excluded" or singled out when really it just has to do with policy that makes a lot of sense in the grand scheme of things. (How could the miltiary differentiate between your son and the five kids of a girlfriend who hooked up with her soldier two weeks before deployment? Where would they draw the line?)

I agree. Until you guys get married, your son is not his stepson and therefore not a dependent. I would look to other programs outside of the military to get him involved in.

As far as his biological father - you may have issues with him, but he's still your son's father. I don't think suggesting that your boyfriend adopt your son and terminating his father's rights would be the best thing in the long run. Your son may resent you in the future.....also, if you have no 'valid' reason for his rights to be terminated, the courts are not going to support you. Yelling and not playing with him are not reasons they generally terminate rights.

The FRG does have to draw the line somewhere... but having a son who is a dependent and a son who isn't?? That's just cruel. His counselor is appalled because he is a child and no one should be excluded, period. I would like to find resources for him to take advantage of, but there doesn't seem to be any. It is 4 hours away, and therefore we can't take part in most of the things they offer, which interestingly helps him not realize he's being excluded from so many things. BUT, I don't feel comfortable participating in anything when they exclude one of my sons, and not the other...so we don't.

While my son would LOVE to be adopted by my DF, I also think that in the long run, that would be a mistake. I think that a decision only he can make in his heart. He doesn't really understand why right now, but someday I think he will.

To be honest, I'm surprised at the lack of support for families in the military. Or correction - I should say the lack of support for "non-traditional" families in the military. The traditional family is not often the norm these days. You'd think the military would be more proactive about keeping up with the times. A peice of paper doesn't make us anymore family than we already are.

The FRG does have to draw the line somewhere... but having a son who is a dependent and a son who isn't?? That's just cruel. His counselor is appalled because he is a child and no one should be excluded, period. I would like to find resources for him to take advantage of, but there doesn't seem to be any. It is 4 hours away, and therefore we can't take part in most of the things they offer, which interestingly helps him not realize he's being excluded from so many things. BUT, I don't feel comfortable participating in anything when they exclude one of my sons, and not the other...so we don't.

While my son would LOVE to be adopted by my DF, I also think that in the long run, that would be a mistake. I think that a decision only he can make in his heart. He doesn't really understand why right now, but someday I think he will.

To be honest, I'm surprised at the lack of support for families in the military. Or correction - I should say the lack of support for "non-traditional" families in the military. The traditional family is not often the norm these days. You'd think the military would be more proactive about keeping up with the times. A peice of paper doesn't make us anymore family than we already are.

I seriously beg to differ. To the military that piece of paper (marriage certificate) makes a very big difference.

What you are suggesting is that people who aren't legally a military dependent be able to participate in military dependent activities. But that would mean that these activities would have to be made available to *anyone* then. Where would you draw the line?

There's nothing cruel about it. Until you get married you and your son are not dependents. :dunno

Think about it, by your definition (non-traditional families) any girlfriend with kids could claim to be "family" and want to take part in benefits that only a dependent should get. That's just absurd.

And honestly, if you say you wouldn't participate because of the distance, why make it an issue in the first place? I guess I'm just confused as to what your issue really is.

The issue is plain. My son, who loves my DF as much as any biological father and misses him as much as any biological son would, has no resources available to him. I was asking if anyone knows of any resources that are out there that I might take advantage of for the sake of a little boy.

Who is the military to define the word "Family?" I WOULD participate in FRG outings and events if they didn't exclude ONE member of OUR family. I am welcome, my 8 month old is welcome, but my 7 year old is not? How is that acceptable?

The FRG could easily address the issue of "non-traditional" families by including all children who are connected to soldiers who wish to participate whether they be nieces and nephews, step children or soon to be step children, any child who is connected to a soldier and wants to or needs to participate should be allowed. These are CHILDREN, I think it is ignorant and absurd to exclude them. A piece of paper does not make a family a family.

The issue is plain. My son, who loves my DF as much as any biological father and misses him as much as any biological son would, has no resources available to him. I was asking if anyone knows of any resources that are out there that I might take advantage of for the sake of a little boy.

Who is the military to define the word "Family?" I WOULD participate in FRG outings and events if they didn't exclude ONE member of OUR family. I am welcome, my 8 month old is welcome, but my 7 year old is not? How is that acceptable?

The FRG could easily address the issue of "non-traditional" families by including all children who are connected to soldiers who wish to participate whether they be nieces and nephews, step children or soon to be step children, any child who is connected to a soldier and wants to or needs to participate should be allowed. These are CHILDREN, I think it is ignorant and absurd to exclude them. A piece of paper does not make a family a family.

Okay, I guess we'll just agree to disagree otherwise we'll just go around and around. But expecting the military to cater to people (children or not) who are not legally a dependent is well, ignorant, to use your word. How you can take it to an emotional level and say that because they are children they deserve the rules to be bent, is beyond me.

What outings and events are you referring to, by the way? That would help make things more clear as to what "resources" you say aren't being made available to your son. I mean, if you are talking about a trip or camp that is offered to dependents, then it is paid for by the government. Why should the government be expected to pay for any child who is remotely close to a soldier (nieces, nephews, future stepchildren, etc.) to participate? And for the record, legal stepchildren ARE considered dependents.

Once you get married, your son will be a legal dependent and all resources will be available to him, just like they will then be available to you. At this time, I believe the only reason why you have any access to FRG activities is as the mother of a dependent child.

What sort of resources are you looking for?

I think the biggest thing you can do for your son is to talk about how he feels, and keep communication open between your fiance and your son, so that they remain close while he is deployed.

I agree. I understand where she is coming from. As a mother it must be hard to see one of your son's being included and the other excluded, and I can understand that it is probably really frusterating trying to find ways for your son to cope... But ProudArmyWifeD is right, the military is a government institution, a marriage certificate DOES define a family, and without it you are not considered a dependent and do not have any rights to military benefits. So, it DOES make sense that one child is included and the other excluded, because legally he is not a stepchild. Why don't you guys get married so that this issue will just be resolved? It sounds like you guys are planning on it....it just doesn't make sense to expect to benefit from the military if you really have no legal ties to a service member. It would be crazy if everyone got support from the military..."nieces, nephews, etc etc...". You have to understand that this is a legal issue, not a personal one....If the military were to include everyone then how would legal military families feel?? Just get married and you won't have a problem.

My sister was married to the worst man in the world. He cheated on her with a 16 year old when they were married so she divorced him taking my 2 year old nephew away from him. She met my now brother in law a few months later and they have been married ever sense and have 3 kids, so a total of 4. Timmy, the nephew from the first marriage went through the same thing. He wanted to have there last name but his father wouldn't sign him over. Eventually my brother in law talked to the school and although its his biological name, he goes by my brother in laws last name now.

I agree that he is no less part of the family having a different last name, but my nephew went through a hard part of life when he realized how different he truly was. He wanted to belong and he felt as if he didn't. I don't know if I have helped at all I am just sharing my families story with you. Know that its common and with a lot of reassurance he will come along.

To help a child not miss daddy so much, I think it would be a great idea to let him make a video to send daddy. He could write the script and you him and the baby could act it out on a video then send it via DVD to him? Just a thought. That way he will feel important cause he wrote the script and its all for dad so he will feel like he is kinda with him.

I understand the OP's feelings but as sad as it is sometimes unless you have the paper that says you are married or the child is his this is the way it will be. It's just part of military life.

The issue is plain. My son, who loves my DF as much as any biological father and misses him as much as any biological son would, has no resources available to him. I was asking if anyone knows of any resources that are out there that I might take advantage of for the sake of a little boy.

Who is the military to define the word "Family?" I WOULD participate in FRG outings and events if they didn't exclude ONE member of OUR family. I am welcome, my 8 month old is welcome, but my 7 year old is not? How is that acceptable?

The FRG could easily address the issue of "non-traditional" families by including all children who are connected to soldiers who wish to participate whether they be nieces and nephews, step children or soon to be step children, any child who is connected to a soldier and wants to or needs to participate should be allowed. These are CHILDREN, I think it is ignorant and absurd to exclude them. A piece of paper does not make a family a family.

I know it's hard to separate yourself from this emotionally, because it's your child who you perceive as getting hurt. But the fact is, a piece of paper does indeed define family, in this case.

The FRG, and the military in general (i.e. medical system, child care/rec centers, etc) did not set out to exclude your older child. your older child is not getting any treatment that is aimed directly at excluding him; any other child int he same situation would get the same thing. This is no secret; never has been never will be. These things are for family members only.

I'm sure you have your reasons for mot getting married prior to his deployment but the fact that you as a couple made that choice, is what is leaving your older son out of the picture here. The FRG is not what's excluding him.

I know that the military's rules are the military's rules, period. I also know that without someone standing up and saying that it is wrong, nothing will ever change. Compliance will change nothing. Solutions? Well... Redefine the term "family" to include anyone who resides in the same household perhaps.

The outings I'm talking about are things such as just recently, there was an FRG meeting where the children were going to be making books to send to their loved ones. This was a weekend meeting so I was going to be able to attend. When I spoke to the FRG, I was informed that my oldest son wouldn't be included in the book making because he wasn't a dependent. OH... so the military can't pay for a child to make a book with all the other children? Hm... I asked her if I could pay for a book so that he could participate and she said that since he wasn't a dependent, he couldn't participate. My 8 month old can't make a book...let his 7 year old brother make his instead. How can this not be taken personally?


We didn't get married prior to his deployment because they moved his deployment date up with very little notice. We are getting married during his R&R.

~Katie~ Thanks for the story! I will have to look into that for my son as well.

The FRG is a SOCIAL SUPPORT network associated for "family members" of a DEPLOYED sailor/solider/airman. Family members including son, daughter, wife, girlfriend, fiance, STEPCHILD or soon to be stepchild, mother, father, grandfather etc you get the point. It is by no means associated with the military in that sense either that they MUST be a dependant to participate in the events and activities. They CAN allow this child to participate in these activites without a piece of paper saying he is part of that solidiers family. That is complete and utter bullshit and I would be raising a stink. Unless the camp is a DOD/military program that requires your son to be a legal dependant that is one thing, but FRG activities ie: meetings, kids parties, picnics etc are open to EVERYONE and ANYONE that has a deployed love one in that unit! I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I know that the military's rules are the military's rules, period. I also know that without someone standing up and saying that it is wrong, nothing will ever change. Compliance will change nothing. Solutions? Well... Redefine the term "family" to include anyone who resides in the same household perhaps.

The outings I'm talking about are things such as just recently, there was an FRG meeting where the children were going to be making books to send to their loved ones. This was a weekend meeting so I was going to be able to attend. When I spoke to the FRG, I was informed that my oldest son wouldn't be included in the book making because he wasn't a dependent. OH... so the military can't pay for a child to make a book with all the other children? Hm... I asked her if I could pay for a book so that he could participate and she said that since he wasn't a dependent, he couldn't participate. My 8 month old can't make a book...let his 7 year old brother make his instead. How can this not be taken personally?


We didn't get married prior to his deployment because they moved his deployment date up with very little notice. We are getting married during his R&R.

~Katie~ Thanks for the story! I will have to look into that for my son as well.

Your FRG leader is WRONG!!!!!! I would speak to someone over her and have her put into her place! I am furious for you, I really am :vent

From the Army FRG leaders handbook

Perception of Soldier’s “Family”
Today, there is greater recognition of the many different people involved in a Soldier’s life who represent the Soldier’s support network. Many of these individuals seek accurate and timely information about the Soldier’s well-being from the military.
Supporting these individuals can help Soldiers to focus on the mission
as well as make them more effective sources of support to Soldiers. As a result, the FRG must now provide information to a large network of individuals to include parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or other important individuals (e.g., caregiver of Soldier’s children during a deployment, fiancée).

http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:B3Ie4FNF9SMJ:www.armyfrg.org/skins/frg/q_mod_2a285ab0-5db1-4f36-9b91-f2263c973c32/q_act_download_resource/q_cat_1e9b3feb-985e-4dd2-b5b2-db37a8aa0d63/q_obj_ef5c1cbf-9f2d-4699-a7aa-48ff557efd73/display.aspx%3FIgnoreTimeOut%3Dtrue+can+non+dependents+participate+in+frg+eventsand+activities&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=7&gl=us

:hugehug

From the Army FRG leaders handbook

Perception of Soldier’s “Family”
Today, there is greater recognition of the many different people involved in a Soldier’s life who represent the Soldier’s support network. Many of these individuals seek accurate and timely information about the Soldier’s well-being from the military.
Supporting these individuals can help Soldiers to focus on the mission
as well as make them more effective sources of support to Soldiers. As a result, the FRG must now provide information to a large network of individuals to include parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or other important individuals (e.g., caregiver of Soldier’s children during a deployment, fiancée).

http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:B3Ie4FNF9SMJ:www.armyfrg.org/skins/frg/q_mod_2a285ab0-5db1-4f36-9b91-f2263c973c32/q_act_download_resource/q_cat_1e9b3feb-985e-4dd2-b5b2-db37a8aa0d63/q_obj_ef5c1cbf-9f2d-4699-a7aa-48ff557efd73/display.aspx%3FIgnoreTimeOut%3Dtrue+can+non+dependents+participate+in+frg+eventsand+activities&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=7&gl=us

:hugehug

Your link addresses INFORMATION. It doesn't say that extended family members are invited/encouraged to attend, or anything involving actual physical participation.

It's highly possible that this particular FRG has decided that they are going to use official dependent/family member status as the determining factor. My guess is, there may have been some similar conflict at an earlier time and somebody may have complained that people were bringing along friends, cousins, or whatever, and those people weren't officially family members, yadda, yadda, yadda. So the FRG had to take a hard line.

I'm sorry it results in a situation like this but if that's the FRGs policy, that's it, and there's precedent for it. If the FRG set the policy to exclude people who shouldn't have been there, it's simply unfortunate that the OPs older son gets caught up in the policy. But expecting them to change the policy just for her son opoens up the door for a whole lot of other things.

It is a little sad that the FRG wouldn't even allow the OP to give money to offset costs associated with her older son's presence and participation (because I would think the bottom line complaint would be the expense, and not the presence of a 7 year old!). There's probably room for compromise on both sides.

The FRG is a SOCIAL SUPPORT network associated for "family members" of a DEPLOYED sailor/solider/airman. Family members including son, daughter, wife, girlfriend, fiance, STEPCHILD or soon to be stepchild, mother, father, grandfather etc you get the point. It is by no means associated with the military in that sense either that they MUST be a dependant to participate in the events and activities. They CAN allow this child to participate in these activites without a piece of paper saying he is part of that solidiers family. That is complete and utter bullshit and I would be raising a stink. Unless the camp is a DOD/military program that requires your son to be a legal dependant that is one thing, but FRG activities ie: meetings, kids parties, picnics etc are open to EVERYONE and ANYONE that has a deployed love one in that unit! I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

That isn't the case for my FRG. :dunno

From the Army FRG leaders handbook

Perception of Soldier’s “Family”
Today, there is greater recognition of the many different people involved in a Soldier’s life who represent the Soldier’s support network. Many of these individuals seek accurate and timely information about the Soldier’s well-being from the military.
Supporting these individuals can help Soldiers to focus on the mission
as well as make them more effective sources of support to Soldiers. As a result, the FRG must now provide information to a large network of individuals to include parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or other important individuals (e.g., caregiver of Soldier’s children during a deployment, fiancée).

http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:B3Ie4FNF9SMJ:www.armyfrg.org/skins/frg/q_mod_2a285ab0-5db1-4f36-9b91-f2263c973c32/q_act_download_resource/q_cat_1e9b3feb-985e-4dd2-b5b2-db37a8aa0d63/q_obj_ef5c1cbf-9f2d-4699-a7aa-48ff557efd73/display.aspx%3FIgnoreTimeOut%3Dtrue+can+non+dependents+participate+in+frg+eventsand+activities&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=7&gl=us

:hugehug

I think finally someone is getting the point. I'm not asking that his registration for a camp be paid for by anyone. I understand that he's not legally a dependent yet. I'm saying that when they have picnics or meetings where they are doing crafty things, or taking pictures and I'm willing to pay the cost of this, why is it that an 8 month old baby who can't participate in crafts is allowed to participate but a 7 year old who can, isn't? They're willing to pay for my 8 month old, who CAN'T participate but they're not willing to let his 7 year old brother take his place? I'm really glad I called ahead on the meeting I had planned to attend. Can you imagine the hurt a CHILD would have suffered in not being allowed to participate??? Hard line or not, what kind of monster would NOT want a child to participate in anything??? How petty and childish of anyone to say that a child's love isn't valid until there's a piece of paper stating that it's legal? AND, if it wasn't for their lack of planning and disorganization, we WOULD have been married prior to his deployment.

As an update, I contacted a friend of mine who is involved with the FRG of a unit much closer to home and directed her to this thread and told her about all the trouble we're having with my DF's unit's FRG. We have been welcomed into that FRG and finally OUR 7 year old will get to be involved and treated like a valid person. I just can't imagine being so close-minded that I would think it's ok to exclude a little boy. I just can't imagine that when the mother of this child is willing to pay for that child's participation and ISN'T TAKING ONE RED CENT AWAY FROM A LEGAL DEPENDENT that they can lay their head on their pillow at night and feel good about themselves.

Thanks for your staunch military viewpoints. Regulation or not, we're talking about a CHILD who loves a soldier. As a mother, mlitary or not, how can any of you support that?

I think finally someone is getting the point. I'm not asking that his registration for a camp be paid for by anyone. I understand that he's not legally a dependent yet. I'm saying that when they have picnics or meetings where they are doing crafty things, or taking pictures and I'm willing to pay the cost of this, why is it that an 8 month old baby who can't participate in crafts is allowed to participate but a 7 year old who can, isn't? They're willing to pay for my 8 month old, who CAN'T participate but they're not willing to let his 7 year old brother take his place? I'm really glad I called ahead on the meeting I had planned to attend. Can you imagine the hurt a CHILD would have suffered in not being allowed to participate??? Hard line or not, what kind of monster would NOT want a child to participate in anything??? How petty and childish of anyone to say that a child's love isn't valid until there's a piece of paper stating that it's legal? AND, if it wasn't for their lack of planning and disorganization, we WOULD have been married prior to his deployment.

As an update, I contacted a friend of mine who is involved with the FRG of a unit much closer to home and directed her to this thread and told her about all the trouble we're having with my DF's unit's FRG. We have been welcomed into that FRG and finally OUR 7 year old will get to be involved and treated like a valid person. I just can't imagine being so close-minded that I would think it's ok to exclude a little boy. I just can't imagine that when the mother of this child is willing to pay for that child's participation and ISN'T TAKING ONE RED CENT AWAY FROM A LEGAL DEPENDENT that they can lay their head on their pillow at night and feel good about themselves.

Thanks for your staunch military viewpoints. Regulation or not, we're talking about a CHILD who loves a soldier. As a mother, mlitary or not, how can any of you support that?

Ah. Are you saying that the only one who "gets it" is the person who agrees with you, and those of us who say anything else are wrong?

FGRs can set many of their own policies and guidelines.

I'm really unsure why you're choosing to ignore the very simple explanation of why one child can and the other can't. Your particular FRG is taking the line that participants MUST be legal dependents. One of your children is and the other is not (which is clearly a choice made by you and your fiance/boyfriend, not by the FRG). It is well within their rights as an organization to make this distinction. Have you asked for a copy of the organization's charter? By-laws? Have you tried to involve yourself in the organization so you can educate them on how this situation has impacted your child?

Maybe if your efforts to help the organization grow and progress, were equal to your efforts to slam it and complain about it, they might be a little more receptive to your suggestions. If you don't like something and it upsets you this much, you should work to change what you perceive is unfair treatment. I recommend you join the FRG and use this experience to make it better for the next person in your situation.

Ah. Are you saying that the only one who "gets it" is the person who agrees with you, and those of us who say anything else are wrong?

FGRs can set many of their own policies and guidelines.

I'm really unsure why you're choosing to ignore the very simple explanation of why one child can and the other can't. Your particular FRG is taking the line that participants MUST be legal dependents. One of your children is and the other is not (which is clearly a choice made by you and your fiance/boyfriend, not by the FRG). It is well within their rights as an organization to make this distinction. Have you asked for a copy of the organization's charter? By-laws? Have you tried to involve yourself in the organization so you can educate them on how this situation has impacted your child?

Maybe if your efforts to help the organization grow and progress, were equal to your efforts to slam it and complain about it, they might be a little more receptive to your suggestions. If you don't like something and it upsets you this much, you should work to change what you perceive is unfair treatment. I recommend you join the FRG and use this experience to make it better for the next person in your situation.


Join an organization that specifically excludes my son? Join an organization that says his feelings aren't valid? If you would like me to slam the FRG, I can certainly do that... I've simply stated my feelings on how it feels as a MOTHER to know that you can't take your child to participate because they don't allow it. Just because she agreed with me doesn't mean that any of you don't have valid points. I get it, people. We're not married, and therefore they don't see us as family. You can hop off your soap box. As far as us not being married yet, perhaps you didn't read my previous post... if they hadn't changed things on us, we would have been married prior to the deployment. There were several reasons, all of them valid thank you, which made it not possible for us to marry sooner.

I posted here because I was hoping that SOMEONE might know of a resource that would help me help my little boy. Again, thanks for your uncanny support and staunch military compliance.

Join an organization that specifically excludes my son? Join an organization that says his feelings aren't valid? If you would like me to slam the FRG, I can certainly do that... I've simply stated my feelings on how it feels as a MOTHER to know that you can't take your child to participate because they don't allow it. Just because she agreed with me doesn't mean that any of you don't have valid points. I get it, people. We're not married, and therefore they don't see us as family. You can hop off your soap box. As far as us not being married yet, perhaps you didn't read my previous post... if they hadn't changed things on us, we would have been married prior to the deployment. There were several reasons, all of them valid thank you, which made it not possible for us to marry sooner.

I posted here because I was hoping that SOMEONE might know of a resource that would help me help my little boy. Again, thanks for your uncanny support and staunch military compliance.

But it's not SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDING YOUR SON. Your son, through a series of events, happens to be one of the people who would be excluded from this program. Any other child inthe same situation would also be excluded.

It doesn't matter why you didn't marry. The simple fact is, you aren't married so your older son isn't a family member. You want to push this off on "...staunch military compliance," but that's not it at all. These were choices YOU made, the reasons are irrelevant, but those choices resulted in this situation. Now you expect an organization which had no decision in that choice, to go against its own rules and charter because the choice you made now impacts your older son.

It's convenient, and probably easier, to dump this on the organization. In actuality, while I don't think you deliberately set out to do this, this is a direct result of choices you and your fiance/boyfriend made. The ONLY thing that will change your older son's status is a marriage document that will make him a family member. The FRG didn't put this policy in place with the object of excluding your son, but they also aren't able to change the definition of what constitutes a military dependent.

You still aren't saying whether or not you've reviewed the charter, read the by-laws, and how you plan to join the organization and maybe even run for office to change the rules aht you percieve are unfair. Maybe if you had a better understanding about the organization, you'd be more appreciative of the things they CAN do for you as opposed to what they're NOT doing for you.

FRGs are run by volunteers who invest a great deal of time and effort into making things easier for the greatest number of people. Without knowing any background on why they are following this particular line of thinking, you're really not helping matters by simply making demands and then claiming that you're being singled out and picked on. You're not. None of the people doing the FRG work have the time or the inclination to single out your son. Rather than complain about how unfair they are being, why not ask why the policy is in place? And then offer your time, services, and experience to show them why a change might be necessary?

The FRG is a SOCIAL SUPPORT network associated for "family members" of a DEPLOYED sailor/solider/airman. Family members including son, daughter, wife, girlfriend, fiance, STEPCHILD or soon to be stepchild, mother, father, grandfather etc you get the point. It is by no means associated with the military in that sense either that they MUST be a dependant to participate in the events and activities. They CAN allow this child to participate in these activites without a piece of paper saying he is part of that solidiers family. That is complete and utter bullshit and I would be raising a stink. Unless the camp is a DOD/military program that requires your son to be a legal dependant that is one thing, but FRG activities ie: meetings, kids parties, picnics etc are open to EVERYONE and ANYONE that has a deployed love one in that unit! I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I just wanna call BS on this. Maybe that's how it's supposed to work, but in reality? As a GIRLFRIEND, I would not be welcome at any FRG activities. I am not invited to the e-mail / info list, and all that fun stuff. And, you know what? I'm perfectly okay with that. I wouldn't wanna be the odd man out sitting there with all the wives. I'm not his dependent. I respect that, according to the military and legally, I'm not his family. Do I love him any less? No. But I don't take the FRG line as a personal attack. Besides... There are a lot of girlfriends I've seen, or fiancees, that ain't sticking around. And it would be a shame to have them twist the system up so that their kids and their whatever can access dependent activities, when they're just gonna use up their military guy and spit him out. (I AM NOT saying the OP is like this. I am saying that there are other women who are. And if the OP or I or her son are included, so are all of them.)

From the Army FRG leaders handbook

Perception of Soldier’s “Family”
Today, there is greater recognition of the many different people involved in a Soldier’s life who represent the Soldier’s support network. Many of these individuals seek accurate and timely information about the Soldier’s well-being from the military.
Supporting these individuals can help Soldiers to focus on the mission
as well as make them more effective sources of support to Soldiers. As a result, the FRG must now provide information to a large network of individuals to include parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or other important individuals (e.g., caregiver of Soldier’s children during a deployment, fiancée).

http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:B3Ie4FNF9SMJ:www.armyfrg.org/skins/frg/q_mod_2a285ab0-5db1-4f36-9b91-f2263c973c32/q_act_download_resource/q_cat_1e9b3feb-985e-4dd2-b5b2-db37a8aa0d63/q_obj_ef5c1cbf-9f2d-4699-a7aa-48ff557efd73/display.aspx%3FIgnoreTimeOut%3Dtrue+can+non+dependents+participate+in+frg+eventsand+activities&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=7&gl=us

:hugehug

Yeah. Information does not equal participation. And it seems like they are providing information to the OP, so I'm not seeing how her experience contradicts this.

Join an organization that specifically excludes my son? Join an organization that says his feelings aren't valid? If you would like me to slam the FRG, I can certainly do that... I've simply stated my feelings on how it feels as a MOTHER to know that you can't take your child to participate because they don't allow it. Just because she agreed with me doesn't mean that any of you don't have valid points. I get it, people. We're not married, and therefore they don't see us as family. You can hop off your soap box. As far as us not being married yet, perhaps you didn't read my previous post... if they hadn't changed things on us, we would have been married prior to the deployment. There were several reasons, all of them valid thank you, which made it not possible for us to marry sooner.

I posted here because I was hoping that SOMEONE might know of a resource that would help me help my little boy. Again, thanks for your uncanny support and staunch military compliance.

Well, buckle up and get used to the military life with this. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be mean. But you've spent this whole post pretty much ignoring people's comments that don't agree with you. So, here's a taste of reality: The military can and does change everything at the last minute, if it suits it. Deployment dates, leave periods, R&R dates, anything they can think of and have to approve, they can change. So, while I'm sorry that his deployment date changing ruined your wedding plans, it's not unheard of or even uncommon. It happened, and now you have to deal with not yet being a dependent, and your son not being a dependent. It's crappy luck, but there it is.

Maybe you wouldn't have to worry so much about your son feeling excluded, if you weren't so convinced he was being specifically excluded.

And don't call everyone who responded staunch military supporters. Not everyone likes the way it's done, but we at least have the common sense to recognize that it's the way it's done, and there are reasons for it. And, even if there weren't reasons... just 'cos you or I or anybody else on here don't like something about the military doesn't mean it's magically gonna change. :dunno

But it's not SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDING YOUR SON. Your son, through a series of events, happens to be one of the people who would be excluded from this program. Any other child inthe same situation would also be excluded.

It doesn't matter why you didn't marry. The simple fact is, you aren't married so your older son isn't a family member. You want to push this off on "...staunch military compliance," but that's not it at all. These were choices YOU made, the reasons are irrelevant, but those choices resulted in this situation. Now you expect an organization which had no decision in that choice, to go against its own rules and charter because the choice you made now impacts your older son.

It's convenient, and probably easier, to dump this on the organization. In actuality, while I don't think you deliberately set out to do this, this is a direct result of choices you and your fiance/boyfriend made. The ONLY thing that will change your older son's status is a marriage document that will make him a family member. The FRG didn't put this policy in place with the object of excluding your son, but they also aren't able to change the definition of what constitutes a military dependent.

You still aren't saying whether or not you've reviewed the charter, read the by-laws, and how you plan to join the organization and maybe even run for office to change the rules aht you percieve are unfair. Maybe if you had a better understanding about the organization, you'd be more appreciative of the things they CAN do for you as opposed to what they're NOT doing for you.

FRGs are run by volunteers who invest a great deal of time and effort into making things easier for the greatest number of people. Without knowing any background on why they are following this particular line of thinking, you're really not helping matters by simply making demands and then claiming that you're being singled out and picked on. You're not. None of the people doing the FRG work have the time or the inclination to single out your son. Rather than complain about how unfair they are being, why not ask why the policy is in place? And then offer your time, services, and experience to show them why a change might be necessary?

Yeah, I'm pretty much with this. Except, I kinda think, with the OP's attitude to the FRG... maybe she should just leave well enough alone, get her information from them, and avoid the FRG. I wouldn't want someone running it that hates it so badly. :shrug

I just wanna call BS on this. Maybe that's how it's supposed to work, but in reality? As a GIRLFRIEND, I would not be welcome at any FRG activities. I am not invited to the e-mail / info list, and all that fun stuff. And, you know what? I'm perfectly okay with that. I wouldn't wanna be the odd man out sitting there with all the wives. I'm not his dependent. I respect that, according to the military and legally, I'm not his family. Do I love him any less? No. But I don't take the FRG line as a personal attack. Besides... There are a lot of girlfriends I've seen, or fiancees, that ain't sticking around. And it would be a shame to have them twist the system up so that their kids and their whatever can access dependent activities, when they're just gonna use up their military guy and spit him out. (I AM NOT saying the OP is like this. I am saying that there are other women who are. And if the OP or I or her son are included, so are all of them.)



Yeah. Information does not equal participation. And it seems like they are providing information to the OP, so I'm not seeing how her experience contradicts this.




Well that is how all of our FRG's have worked, EVERYONE and ANYONE is welcome so you can call BS on it any which way from Sunday. As far as the email list, as long as your DH/BF/SO puts your name on there you can be part of the list, and yes that includes mothers/fathers/girlfriends/fiances anyone who just might give a damn about the sailor and what he is doing and what is going on. It is NOT limited to just wives. We have tons of girlfriends/fiances who are VERY active in our FRG and they are not the "odd man out, In all reality our FRG is probably a more 50/50 spilt of married/fiances and Girlfriends. Guess I should just be thankful that our FRG is run by down to earth, caring, friendly wives and not the usual stuck up bitches that obviously rule the roost at all of these other FRG's :dunno

To the OP, Sorry about your situation, I really do feel for you. Honestly though if that is the way they treat your son and that is their stance I honestly would not want to have ANYTHING to do with them. They are obviously the epitome of what a FRG should NOT be :hugehug

Yeah, I'm pretty much with this. Except, I kinda think, with the OP's attitude to the FRG... maybe she should just leave well enough alone, get her information from them, and avoid the FRG. I wouldn't want someone running it that hates it so badly. :shrug

Well..... maybe if the OP became active, she would not only understand that the FRG isn't deliberately picking specifically on her son, but she could also educate them on the idea of extended family members, and that in her particular situation (where one sibling is eligible and one is not), it can really have a negative impact on the child. they all live together in the same house, and really, the 7 year old is more likely to be impacted by the absence of the male figure than the infant is. So I do understand her request, even if I don't understand her refusal to accept that this is how this FRG is run.

I suspect they implemented that rule because of past situations, and didn't even consider how it might impact a new member like the OP. Taking it personally and insisting that they're doing it to specifically exclude her son is irrational, however.

The way I see it, if you don't like the rules/laws/policies, work to change them.

Ok....as far as the lastname goes could you hyphenate it or something? That would seem like the best way. My two boys are not my husbands and they have different lastnames they have been ok with it.
Also I know hes 7 but still its ok the Sesame Street deployment video is wonderful even for his age.
And some sources not associated with FRG that are great for you and the kids too is the http://www.militaryonesource.com/skins/MOS/home.aspx great website.
And I hear you on the FRG accepting your baby but not him....some just arent great.
I personally can't stand our command FRG so I just don't get involved.

I am wondering why even mention that he isnt your DF's son. My dad was active duty AF as was my stepdad. We were ALWAYS on my dad's paperwork and stuff. My sister and I were never turned away from command things because we werent on my stepdad's page 2.

Eventually my brother in law talked to the school and although its his biological name, he goes by my brother in laws last name now. [/B]

It`s Illegal to put a different last name in your childs School Records.
Who did she put as the childs father?

My stepdaughter lives with her mother halfsister and stepdad , This is her mothers third marriage. She moved from the east to the westcoast without notifying courts or my DH. It took us over 1 year to find them.
She tried to indoctrinate my stepdaughter into believing that her father had left them and wasnt interested in her. We fought hard for my husband to be reunited with his daughter. First summer she spent time with us she said.
" Now at last I know where I come from ." " I`m just like you dad", " I walk like you ", I draw like you and I`m strong like you ". She said smiling . Then her face went sad and she said. "Why did my mom lie about you, dad?"
She absolutely adores her dad.

What I`m trying to say is that you cant take away a childs identity. There are Grandparents ,Aunts,Uncles & cousins to consider apart from the biological father. My stepdaughter is the last and only grandchild in DH family.

My DHs Ex has been married 3 times ,her oldest daughter has had three men in her life that her mom said was her dad. (My DH was the second husband ) This girl is now a teenager (14)and very confused. She doesnt do well at school ,she is miserable and unhappy all the time , she also says she wants to kill herself.

Join an organization that specifically excludes my son? Join an organization that says his feelings aren't valid? If you would like me to slam the FRG, I can certainly do that... I've simply stated my feelings on how it feels as a MOTHER to know that you can't take your child to participate because they don't allow it. Just because she agreed with me doesn't mean that any of you don't have valid points. I get it, people. We're not married, and therefore they don't see us as family. You can hop off your soap box. As far as us not being married yet, perhaps you didn't read my previous post... if they hadn't changed things on us, we would have been married prior to the deployment. There were several reasons, all of them valid thank you, which made it not possible for us to marry sooner.

I posted here because I was hoping that SOMEONE might know of a resource that would help me help my little boy. Again, thanks for your uncanny support and staunch military compliance.

No offense, but :bs. You've gone on and on about the injustice of it all until you found someone who agreed - and yet ignored countless attempts to ask you WHAT type of RESOURCES you are looking for.

I mean, if you have the money to pay for your son and are looking to do crafts and such - get him into an art class. Tai Kwon Do? Music lessons?

If you want books about deployment, just do a search on Amazon. I have a good one to start you off, it was read at Tell Me a Story on post yesterday - it's called Night Catch and its about a boy and his father who is away.

As for the :vent and :cryriver - I'm a mother and a stepmother and I understand that there are differences in what my daughter and my husband's other daughters (who don't live with us) get to do in relation to missing their Daddy. (My daughter gets to webcam with her Daddy almost every day - my stepdaughter's mom doesn't make that a priority, etc.)

Life isn't always "fair" and stomping our feet about it isn't going to change things. But honestly, your time as a mother concerned for her son's feelings could be better spent actually working towards something positive instead of continously beating the dead horse of "woe is me" because your son isn't a dependent yet.

Well that is how all of our FRG's have worked, EVERYONE and ANYONE is welcome so you can call BS on it any which way from Sunday. As far as the email list, as long as your DH/BF/SO puts your name on there you can be part of the list, and yes that includes mothers/fathers/girlfriends/fiances anyone who just might give a damn about the sailor and what he is doing and what is going on. It is NOT limited to just wives. We have tons of girlfriends/fiances who are VERY active in our FRG and they are not the "odd man out, In all reality our FRG is probably a more 50/50 spilt of married/fiances and Girlfriends. Guess I should just be thankful that our FRG is run by down to earth, caring, friendly wives and not the usual stuck up bitches that obviously rule the roost at all of these other FRG's :dunno

To the OP, Sorry about your situation, I really do feel for you. Honestly though if that is the way they treat your son and that is their stance I honestly would not want to have ANYTHING to do with them. They are obviously the epitome of what a FRG should NOT be :hugehug


This really upsets me. Girlfriends who consider the FRG just some social club. :arg

My husband is deployed. Our FRG is to support the dependent family members left behind and to give out information on our husbands. Honestly, if just anyone and everyone (including the flavor of the week from right before some soldier left for Iraq) was included I would be LIVID.

...oh, and not because I'm some stuck up b*tch. But because my husband's safety and security also depends on keeping information within those who need to know. Not some p*ssed off girlfriend who hasn't heard from her "boyfriend" in a month and decides to come to the FRG meeting to get some info on him.

This really upsets me. Girlfriends who consider the FRG just some social club. :arg

My husband is deployed. Our FRG is to support the dependent family members left behind and to give out information on our husbands. Honestly, if just anyone and everyone (including the flavor of the week from right before some soldier left for Iraq) was included I would be LIVID.

...oh, and not because I'm some stuck up b*tch. But because my husband's safety and security also depends on keeping information within those who need to know. Not some p*ssed off girlfriend who hasn't heard from her "boyfriend" in a month and decides to come to the FRG meeting to get some info on him.

I agree with this... i feel for the little boy (i mean me being a mom and all) but the rules are there to protect the soldier, sailors, and etc. and if someone can think they can just change everything is nonsense why would any one want to change something that is there to protect our loved ones.

yes the frg is there and open to anyone who the sailors list but only to activites that have nothing to do with the boat/ship like a trip to the zoo for example they would ahve to pay there way because the frg does fundraisers and the military gives them money so why should our hard work raising money be there for a lady who probably wont be there tomorrow (not saying the op is like that).. but them going to a meeting no way they cannot go...

This really upsets me. Girlfriends who consider the FRG just some social club. :arg

My husband is deployed. Our FRG is to support the dependent family members left behind and to give out information on our husbands. Honestly, if just anyone and everyone (including the flavor of the week from right before some soldier left for Iraq) was included I would be LIVID.

...oh, and not because I'm some stuck up b*tch. But because my husband's safety and security also depends on keeping information within those who need to know. Not some p*ssed off girlfriend who hasn't heard from her "boyfriend" in a month and decides to come to the FRG meeting to get some info on him.

That is a really, REALLY good point, and it may be part of the reason why the OPs FRG has established the rules they have. I'm sure the FRG didn't set out to exclude 7 year olds, they just happened to be caught up in the fracas.

After going back and reading all of the responses on this thread, a few things are strikingly clear to me... The women who responded with extreme defensiveness must be FRG leaders, office holders or something. For your information, I did, in fact, request and review a copy of the by-laws. As a matter of fact, I have given them to my attorney so that he can also review them. I could find nothing to indicate that non-dependents were not to be included or inelligible. I have also discussed the matter at length with the CSM who has called me in country three times because he wanted to know why my DF was the only father who has not been receiving the things the FRG has been doing for parents who are deployed. This is something that upsets my DF. I'll hop on my patriotic soapbox and ask you this... how is that helping his morale? Don't get me wrong, we send him stuff regularly, but when everyone else is getting the books and the videos and all the other stuff that is being made through the FRG, it upsets him to know that we are not included.

I'm not saying that all FRG's are shitty or absurd, but I am saying that this particular one is. I went into my issues with the FRG to explain what is happening to my son. I have found a resource in a FRG with a different unit, so not all FRG's are bad. The one I am supposed to be working with is, plain and simple. I didn't come here to slam them, and believe me, I could very easily. There are so many problems in the FRG that many of the wives are telling me that they are no longer attending.

So feel free to continue to make assumptions and be so defensive of the FRG that you feel it necessary to attack a mother who was only looking for resources for her son. I am proud of my soldier and his 22 years of military service. I am proud to be his fiancee and will be happily married this summer, if R&R happens like it's supposed to. I am proud of my family. I have and will always protect my children from ANYONE who I feel is treating them wrong.

I feel sorry for anyone who is so close-minded that they feel it necessary to attack anyone who is looking for a resource for a child. I wasn't looking for anyone to agree or disagree. I simply wanted to know if anyone else had a similar experience and knew of any resources. I come to this site for support and while some people have been very helpful, I realize that some people have nothing better to do with their time than to be argumentative, spiteful and attacking. I wonder what is missing in their lives that they feel like they have to be so negative and bitter??

To those of you who are uplifting and supportive - Thank you. I appreciate that when I feel like I'm alone in this world and no one understand the roller coaster of emotions or the frustrations, I can come here and read that other women understand and are going through the same things. Specifically to Kathy (phantomfg), you have changed my life. Words can never do justice to the gratitude I feel towards you. To those of you who constantly feel like you have to argue, display extreme negativity and aggressive defensiveness - I will pray that you find what is missing in your life. I hope nothing but the best for you.

After going back and reading all of the responses on this thread, a few things are strikingly clear to me... The women who responded with extreme defensiveness must be FRG leaders, office holders or something. For your information, I did, in fact, request and review a copy of the by-laws. As a matter of fact, I have given them to my attorney so that he can also review them. I could find nothing to indicate that non-dependents were not to be included or inelligible. I have also discussed the matter at length with the CSM who has called me in country three times because he wanted to know why my DF was the only father who has not been receiving the things the FRG has been doing for parents who are deployed. This is something that upsets my DF. I'll hop on my patriotic soapbox and ask you this... how is that helping his morale? Don't get me wrong, we send him stuff regularly, but when everyone else is getting the books and the videos and all the other stuff that is being made through the FRG, it upsets him to know that we are not included.

I'm not saying that all FRG's are shitty or absurd, but I am saying that this particular one is. I went into my issues with the FRG to explain what is happening to my son. I have found a resource in a FRG with a different unit, so not all FRG's are bad. The one I am supposed to be working with is, plain and simple. I didn't come here to slam them, and believe me, I could very easily. There are so many problems in the FRG that many of the wives are telling me that they are no longer attending.

So feel free to continue to make assumptions and be so defensive of the FRG that you feel it necessary to attack a mother who was only looking for resources for her son. I am proud of my soldier and his 22 years of military service. I am proud to be his fiancee and will be happily married this summer, if R&R happens like it's supposed to. I am proud of my family. I have and will always protect my children from ANYONE who I feel is treating them wrong.

I feel sorry for anyone who is so close-minded that they feel it necessary to attack anyone who is looking for a resource for a child. I wasn't looking for anyone to agree or disagree. I simply wanted to know if anyone else had a similar experience and knew of any resources. I come to this site for support and while some people have been very helpful, I realize that some people have nothing better to do with their time than to be argumentative, spiteful and attacking. I wonder what is missing in their lives that they feel like they have to be so negative and bitter??

To those of you who are uplifting and supportive - Thank you. I appreciate that when I feel like I'm alone in this world and no one understand the roller coaster of emotions or the frustrations, I can come here and read that other women understand and are going through the same things. Specifically to Kathy (phantomfg), you have changed my life. Words can never do justice to the gratitude I feel towards you. To those of you who constantly feel like you have to argue, display extreme negativity and aggressive defensiveness - I will pray that you find what is missing in your life. I hope nothing but the best for you.

Actually, no, I'm not an FRG leader. And when I disagree with a policy, I am not afraid to admit it and share my thoughts. However, I find that keeping dependent activities actually FOR dependents to be reasonable.

I think hopping from one FRG to another until you find the one that fits you is absurd. It is NOT a social club.

Personally, I wonder why in the world your fiance's CSM has nothing better to do wtih his time than to notice and wonder why your husband isn't receiving gifts from his stepson? Forgive me, but they are fighting in a war over there, right?

As for FRG activities, I'm involved in mine and of all of the things we've done, none have been specifically for the children to send to their parents.

Why don't you sit down with your son and make a stocking/Easter basket/birthday card/miss you card or whatever craft the FRG is doing or that you can think of and send it to your fiance?

From what you've said, it sounds like you have much larger problems with the FRG, so why are you so up in arms about not being included?

I've given you many different suggestions (which is what you supposedly came here for in the first place) and you've ignored each one.

I'm sorry, but if you just acknowledged that policy is policy - and is set for good reason, NOT to exclude children but to protect soldiers, then this really wouldn't be an issue for you or your son.

And I'm sorry, but just because I don't agree with your viewpoint, does not mean I am bitter or attacking you.

i am not apart of the frg i prefer to stay away... but i do go to some of the meetings.. i send my husband crafts that my son and i amke myself at our own home with my own money..

This is just some stuff that I found that you and your son can do while df is away...

http://www.cfs.purdue.edu/mfri/pages/military/Supporting_Children_of_Deployed_Parents.pdf

http://military.families.com/blog/fun-crafts-for-kids-during-deployment

http://www.deploymentkids.com/

These are just a few... I Googled "military kid deployment" and got these. I am a mom/stepmom who has lived through many deployments (but due to the ages of my kids, wasn't able to always participate with our version of the FRG). I have found that doing things together with our kids made everyone's life better, not only our kids, but my own as well. Oh, you may also want to check with your local craft store to see if they have any child craft lessons... I know that Michael's and AC Moore have some pretty cool stuff.

There's also a book that my kids have had since my middle one's were small... it's called "Daddy, you're My Hero" (http://booksforbrats.net/revised/pages/newstyle/index-3.html) It may be a little 'young' for him, but it addresses (in simple terms) deployment.

My suggestion would to be just to keep him busy, whether it be relating to his new 'dad' or not. Try to make the time apart an adventure, not something to dread. I know that it's really hard, especially if you don't have the support as well... that's what we're here for.

Good luck!

After going back and reading all of the responses on this thread, a few things are strikingly clear to me... The women who responded with extreme defensiveness must be FRG leaders, office holders or something. For your information, I did, in fact, request and review a copy of the by-laws. As a matter of fact, I have given them to my attorney so that he can also review them. I could find nothing to indicate that non-dependents were not to be included or inelligible. I have also discussed the matter at length with the CSM who has called me in country three times because he wanted to know why my DF was the only father who has not been receiving the things the FRG has been doing for parents who are deployed. This is something that upsets my DF. I'll hop on my patriotic soapbox and ask you this... how is that helping his morale? Don't get me wrong, we send him stuff regularly, but when everyone else is getting the books and the videos and all the other stuff that is being made through the FRG, it upsets him to know that we are not included.

I'm not saying that all FRG's are shitty or absurd, but I am saying that this particular one is. I went into my issues with the FRG to explain what is happening to my son. I have found a resource in a FRG with a different unit, so not all FRG's are bad. The one I am supposed to be working with is, plain and simple. I didn't come here to slam them, and believe me, I could very easily. There are so many problems in the FRG that many of the wives are telling me that they are no longer attending.

So feel free to continue to make assumptions and be so defensive of the FRG that you feel it necessary to attack a mother who was only looking for resources for her son. I am proud of my soldier and his 22 years of military service. I am proud to be his fiancee and will be happily married this summer, if R&R happens like it's supposed to. I am proud of my family. I have and will always protect my children from ANYONE who I feel is treating them wrong.

I feel sorry for anyone who is so close-minded that they feel it necessary to attack anyone who is looking for a resource for a child. I wasn't looking for anyone to agree or disagree. I simply wanted to know if anyone else had a similar experience and knew of any resources. I come to this site for support and while some people have been very helpful, I realize that some people have nothing better to do with their time than to be argumentative, spiteful and attacking. I wonder what is missing in their lives that they feel like they have to be so negative and bitter??

To those of you who are uplifting and supportive - Thank you. I appreciate that when I feel like I'm alone in this world and no one understand the roller coaster of emotions or the frustrations, I can come here and read that other women understand and are going through the same things. Specifically to Kathy (phantomfg), you have changed my life. Words can never do justice to the gratitude I feel towards you. To those of you who constantly feel like you have to argue, display extreme negativity and aggressive defensiveness - I will pray that you find what is missing in your life. I hope nothing but the best for you.


Feel free to make any ssumptions you wish. However, as you can already see, your assumptions in this case are as likely to be wrong as they are to be right. If this is the same attitude you're displaying toward the FRG (and maybe to your fiance's command?), do you think that might be a reason they're being less than flexible with you?

Nobody is 'attacking' you. Respondents have sympathized with your situation while explaining why it is the way it is, they've offered some great tips, and have asked additional questions with the intent to offer more help. I'm not sure why you're defensive, or why you're comfortable making assumptions about things that you don't seem to know much about. To be blunt, people have tried to HELP you.

Probably moreso than your friends and family who have may no military connection, the people in here DO understand your situation, they DO want to help you, they DO know how hard things are when the military member is deployed. What better place for you to come for help, which is what you got? But to return those sincere offers of help by throwing around unfounded accusations is not only rude, it certainly indicates why you're getting the responses from the command and the FRG that you're getting.

If you give us a chance to help, or if you consider the help that's been offered, it might make things easier for you. You may not be able, or you might not be inclined, to become a colunteer with the FRG with the idea of changing their policy. That's fine; there are a lot of variables involved that we don't know about. Still- the policy isn't going to change overnight, and untilit does, there are things YOU can do to ease your son's concerns.

Complaining and fighting isn't helping him..... but it is making him aware that you're upset, and he's the cause of it. Is that what you want? Why not show him that you're both missing your servicemember, and these are some suggestions I got to make things go easier for both of us.....?????

This really upsets me. Girlfriends who consider the FRG just some social club. :arg

My husband is deployed. Our FRG is to support the dependent family members left behind and to give out information on our husbands. Honestly, if just anyone and everyone (including the flavor of the week from right before some soldier left for Iraq) was included I would be LIVID.

...oh, and not because I'm some stuck up b*tch. But because my husband's safety and security also depends on keeping information within those who need to know. Not some p*ssed off girlfriend who hasn't heard from her "boyfriend" in a month and decides to come to the FRG meeting to get some info on him.


OK, like I said, the sailors have to put these people on the list and just as they put them on the list they can ask that they be removed if there is a problem. My husbands ship has been gone for 5 months now and we have not had any issues with any pissed off girlfriends causing drama, we have an awesome group of ladies who get together and have a good time and enjoy each others company as well as do crafts with the kids to send to their Daddys and other fun things. AND as far as any girlfried, wife, anyone receiving any email info, that does not happen because NO INFORMATION is passed via email, that would be an OPSEC issue so mute point on that one. Ships info is not passed along at meetings either, they are SOCIAL gatherings that all are invited to. Once again I stand behind my original statement that I am gratelful my group is run by the people it is and the way it is. I have survived this rough deployment becasue of these great wonderful ladies, GIRLFRIENDS included.

you know what. nevermind. if people choose to believe that EVERYTHING in the military is the same way across the board, they are in for a harsh reality check.

I am a bit late coming in on this thread and OMG, is there really a need for all the bickering of what branch does what the right or wrong way. The OP posted here looking for support due to her 7 year old not being allowed at functions (WHICH I THINK IS UTTER BULLSHIT) no matter what branch is involved.

Ok... I'm very late coming into this post.... I am not going to sit and read through all the responses already given, and I have never experienced a deployment first hand, but... have you thought about getting your son involved in boy scouts or some type of other activity? I know boy scout leaders a lot of times understand what military children are going through and are good with helping them, plus it will give him a chance to do things with other boys his age and some outdoors guy stuff. Just a thought. Good luck!

This has turned into the most ridiculous thread I've ever read. I don't care who you are, what color you are or where the hell you live! Anyone with a husband, boyfriend, wife, girlfriend, child, sibling etc etc etc etc deserves to be treated as if they are going through the same thing as the next person! Deployment sucks! And just for the record, try being the girlfriend of your baby's father! No one tells you shit! even though you popped out his kid and been with him since like f'ing 5th grade!
Anyone see the new Dr Seuss movie- as horton would say, " A persons a person no matter how small"



And for the original question in this thread...
I'm sorry you are going through this. Anyone who doesn't allow a child the support and security they need is absolutely a bad person. That child obviously needs to play and participate with other children who are going through the same thing, step child or NOT! There are definitely some flaws within the military that are overlooked, and it may not mean something to anyone not going through it, but it means the world to this child! Hugs to you, you're a good mom, hopefully you guys can be strong and find another way around the stupid FRG!

Actually, no, I'm not an FRG leader. And when I disagree with a policy, I am not afraid to admit it and share my thoughts. However, I find that keeping dependent activities actually FOR dependents to be reasonable.

I think hopping from one FRG to another until you find the one that fits you is absurd. It is NOT a social club.

Personally, I wonder why in the world your fiance's CSM has nothing better to do wtih his time than to notice and wonder why your husband isn't receiving gifts from his stepson? Forgive me, but they are fighting in a war over there, right?

As for FRG activities, I'm involved in mine and of all of the things we've done, none have been specifically for the children to send to their parents.

Why don't you sit down with your son and make a stocking/Easter basket/birthday card/miss you card or whatever craft the FRG is doing or that you can think of and send it to your fiance?

From what you've said, it sounds like you have much larger problems with the FRG, so why are you so up in arms about not being included?

I've given you many different suggestions (which is what you supposedly came here for in the first place) and you've ignored each one.

I'm sorry, but if you just acknowledged that policy is policy - and is set for good reason, NOT to exclude children but to protect soldiers, then this really wouldn't be an issue for you or your son.

And I'm sorry, but just because I don't agree with your viewpoint, does not mean I am bitter or attacking you.





Sounds like attacking if you ask me! And keeping these activities for only dependents, where the hell is your heart lady? Umm hello this is an innocent child! MY GOD! Sometimes I can't believe what Military wives think about people who aren't married yet. And for your information, I've been with my BOYFRIEND since I was in 5th grade, we have a child together and I will NOT marry him yet because I don't wanna be one of YOU. There are a lot of people who get married in the military just for the money, and I'm sorry but I'm not one of those, and money means nothing to me. So tell me, is that all we have thats different? not having a wedding band on my finger? because thats a dumb reason to neglect other peoples children who suffer from this. You are pathetic

And whoever wrote the comment earlier about not caring if your "girlfriend" doesn't get included, well thanks for you concern. However, I guarantee you that I've been with my BOYFRIEND longer than you have been married! Doesn't mean I'm any less important, and certainly doesn't mean I love my soldier any less than you love yours. There are circumstances for every relationship, and nobody has any right to deny someone asking for support. This is pathetic and not what our country stands for. Our soldiers aren't over there fighting for our freedom to bitch about who's better because they're married or not! DO WE NOT HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO???????

Don't forget, "a persons a person no matter how small"

This has turned into the most ridiculous thread I've ever read. I don't care who you are, what color you are or where the hell you live! Anyone with a husband, boyfriend, wife, girlfriend, child, sibling etc etc etc etc deserves to be treated as if they are going through the same thing as the next person! Deployment sucks! And just for the record, try being the girlfriend of your baby's father! No one tells you shit! even though you popped out his kid and been with him since like f'ing 5th grade!
Anyone see the new Dr Seuss movie- as horton would say, " A persons a person no matter how small"



And for the original question in this thread...
I'm sorry you are going through this. Anyone who doesn't allow a child the support and security they need is absolutely a bad person. That child obviously needs to play and participate with other children who are going through the same thing, step child or NOT! There are definitely some flaws within the military that are overlooked, and it may not mean something to anyone not going through it, but it means the world to this child! Hugs to you, you're a good mom, hopefully you guys can be strong and find another way around the stupid FRG!

Sounds like attacking if you ask me! And keeping these activities for only dependents, where the hell is your heart lady? Umm hello this is an innocent child! MY GOD! Sometimes I can't believe what Military wives think about people who aren't married yet. And for your information, I've been with my BOYFRIEND since I was in 5th grade, we have a child together and I will NOT marry him yet because I don't wanna be one of YOU. There are a lot of people who get married in the military just for the money, and I'm sorry but I'm not one of those, and money means nothing to me. So tell me, is that all we have thats different? not having a wedding band on my finger? because thats a dumb reason to neglect other peoples children who suffer from this. You are pathetic

And whoever wrote the comment earlier about not caring if your "girlfriend" doesn't get included, well thanks for you concern. However, I guarantee you that I've been with my BOYFRIEND longer than you have been married! Doesn't mean I'm any less important, and certainly doesn't mean I love my soldier any less than you love yours. There are circumstances for every relationship, and nobody has any right to deny someone asking for support. This is pathetic and not what our country stands for. Our soldiers aren't over there fighting for our freedom to bitch about who's better because they're married or not! DO WE NOT HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO???????

Don't forget, "a persons a person no matter how small"

But the child is NOT a step-child. The Army recognizes step-children as dependents. He, for the moment, is a soldier's girlfriend's (fiancee's) child.

I really do understand the emotional nature of this thread. I do understand that as a mother (I am one) it is difficult to feel that your child is being left out.

However, there are children - even military dependents - that go without the support of knowing/playing with other military children going through the same thing all over the world.

Children of NG members who are activated may never live near a post or other children going through the same thing. Children whose parent moved back home to family and away from a military post during deployment also may never meet or play with other children who are going through the same thing.

My stepchildren live with their mother in the US, nowhere near a military post, and they don't get to attend FRG meetings or outings. Their Mom keeps them connected to their father. Their Mom makes sure they are handling the deployment okay.

What I am saying is - yes, it is sad to think of this particular boy not being able to get involved when his mom clearly wants him to be.

But the distinction between dependent and not is clear and is certainly not intended to the feelings of children, but lines need to be drawn.

As to your relationship with your boyfriend - I don't personally judge and I don't think I'm any better than you because I'm a wife.

However, I do understand that the military needs to draw the line as to who is a dependent and who isn't.

Again, just like to the OP, it isn't to single you out or define YOUR relationship - it's to protect the military as whole.

Girlfriends have no legal ties to their soldier. Some girlfriends come and go. They just shouldn't have the same rights as legal dependents. But I don't think you should take that personally. (You have some dependent rights as the mother of your boyfriend's child, which I think is fair, because you do have legal ties through your child, to your soldier.)

Okay, this topic has really gotten to me and has been weighing heavily on my mind.

From the beginning I've stated that the dependent/non-dependent classification does have its purpose and I stand by that. It has to do with OPSEC, and with just the simple fact that the military as a whole can't clarify who is a long-term girlfriend, who is a fiancee that will soon be married, who is deeply committed to their soldier, etc. - so a legal distinction is a very straightforward way to handle it. And I stand by that, wholeheartedly.

However, the heart of the matter here is how that policy is applied. And in this particular case, how it is hurting a child - or at least the mother of that child, because hopefully she has shielded him from even knowing about this issue. :unlove

So I've thought about my own experiences with the FRG, and here is what I've got:

Our FRG meetings are held on post. So in order to attend you have to have an ID card to get on post and you have to be aware of when the meetings are.

That being said, when we attend meetings or get-togethers, no one calls roll and no one checks to see how many kids attend or who they belong to. In information-based meetings we do sign a roster of who attended, but that's it.

When I first moved on post I did not yet know my FRG, so I attended a meeting with a new friend. It was a pre-deployment information meeting, so they were filling out information cards and getting a lot of paperwork. I explained to the leader that my husband was not in this troop, and she said she would get me in touch with my own FRG leader. They still gave me all of the information and handouts and were very welcoming and kind.

When I attended the first meeting of my own FRG, I filled out an information card with my name and info, as well as my birthday, husband's birthday, our anniversary and our child(ren)'s name(s) and birthday(s).

At Halloween my own FRG did not have a party, but a friend of mine's did. She asked her FRG leader if it was okay if my daughter and I attended with her and was told it was fine. I went to the party, my daughter made all of the crafts, painted a pumpkin to take home, and got a goodie bag full of candy. No one ever asked us to show ID or prove who we were or who we belonged to.

My point being: as long as you are on the list to be notified of our meetings and get-togethers and have ID to get on post, other than that, no one is "policing" our meetings for dependent status.

So my questions to the OP are: how did you get on the FRG list in the first place? I assume your fiance put you on the list and that because you are not legally married yet he got your infant son an ID card allowing you on post as long as he is with you? (Correct me if I'm wrong.) And so how and/or why did the subject of your other son not being a legal dependent ever come up in the first place? (I would think if you had to fill out an information card you just would have listed both of your sons without specifying?)

Reason I ask is, I can understand actually more if *you* were excluded in the first place. But if you are getting the FRG information, and have a way to get on post, why didn't you just go with your two boys and let that be that? I don't understand why your son's paternity ever came into the picture. And after much thought on the matter (its been keeping me up at night, I post this at 3am my time :sigh) I agree with you, it isn't right.

Is there more of a backstory to how this came about? Does it have more to do with a problem between you and the FRG leader?

:dunno Anyway, this long-winded post is just to clearly express that I've thought about this long and hard, I do have a (L) and this issue did touch me. And I have no problems admitting when I am wrong.

I also wanted to ammend my earlier comment about hopping from FRG to FRG as being absurd, because for social events I have been known to do the same. My comment was more to the point that FRGs are about more than being a social support group. They are also a very important information conduit between soldiers and families - and I take that and OPSEC very seriously.

I think, to the OP, if you can find another FRG that will welcome you into their fold and allow you and your sons (both) to participate in their activities then you should go for it.

And I do sympathize with the OP and the other poster who is a long-term girlfriend and mother of her boyfriend's child. I understand how frustrating it must be to deal with the fact that a piece of paper *does* define your relationship in the military. That being said, I completely agree with and understand the need for that policy, but I DO sympathize with those who it makes to feel left out.

But the child is NOT a step-child. The Army recognizes step-children as dependents. He, for the moment, is a soldier's girlfriend's (fiancee's) child.

I really do understand the emotional nature of this thread. I do understand that as a mother (I am one) it is difficult to feel that your child is being left out.

However, there are children - even military dependents - that go without the support of knowing/playing with other military children going through the same thing all over the world.

Children of NG members who are activated may never live near a post or other children going through the same thing. Children whose parent moved back home to family and away from a military post during deployment also may never meet or play with other children who are going through the same thing.

My stepchildren live with their mother in the US, nowhere near a military post, and they don't get to attend FRG meetings or outings. Their Mom keeps them connected to their father. Their Mom makes sure they are handling the deployment okay.

What I am saying is - yes, it is sad to think of this particular boy not being able to get involved when his mom clearly wants him to be.

But the distinction between dependent and not is clear and is certainly not intended to the feelings of children, but lines need to be drawn.

As to your relationship with your boyfriend - I don't personally judge and I don't think I'm any better than you because I'm a wife.

However, I do understand that the military needs to draw the line as to who is a dependent and who isn't.

Again, just like to the OP, it isn't to single you out or define YOUR relationship - it's to protect the military as whole.

Girlfriends have no legal ties to their soldier. Some girlfriends come and go. They just shouldn't have the same rights as legal dependents. But I don't think you should take that personally. (You have some dependent rights as the mother of your boyfriend's child, which I think is fair, because you do have legal ties through your child, to your soldier.)

Okay, this topic has really gotten to me and has been weighing heavily on my mind.

From the beginning I've stated that the dependent/non-dependent classification does have its purpose and I stand by that. It has to do with OPSEC, and with just the simple fact that the military as a whole can't clarify who is a long-term girlfriend, who is a fiancee that will soon be married, who is deeply committed to their soldier, etc. - so a legal distinction is a very straightforward way to handle it. And I stand by that, wholeheartedly.

However, the heart of the matter here is how that policy is applied. And in this particular case, how it is hurting a child - or at least the mother of that child, because hopefully she has shielded him from even knowing about this issue. :unlove

So I've thought about my own experiences with the FRG, and here is what I've got:

Our FRG meetings are held on post. So in order to attend you have to have an ID card to get on post and you have to be aware of when the meetings are.

That being said, when we attend meetings or get-togethers, no one calls roll and no one checks to see how many kids attend or who they belong to. In information-based meetings we do sign a roster of who attended, but that's it.

When I first moved on post I did not yet know my FRG, so I attended a meeting with a new friend. It was a pre-deployment information meeting, so they were filling out information cards and getting a lot of paperwork. I explained to the leader that my husband was not in this troop, and she said she would get me in touch with my own FRG leader. They still gave me all of the information and handouts and were very welcoming and kind.

When I attended the first meeting of my own FRG, I filled out an information card with my name and info, as well as my birthday, husband's birthday, our anniversary and our child(ren)'s name(s) and birthday(s).

At Halloween my own FRG did not have a party, but a friend of mine's did. She asked her FRG leader if it was okay if my daughter and I attended with her and was told it was fine. I went to the party, my daughter made all of the crafts, painted a pumpkin to take home, and got a goodie bag full of candy. No one ever asked us to show ID or prove who we were or who we belonged to.

My point being: as long as you are on the list to be notified of our meetings and get-togethers and have ID to get on post, other than that, no one is "policing" our meetings for dependent status.

So my questions to the OP are: how did you get on the FRG list in the first place? I assume your fiance put you on the list and that because you are not legally married yet he got your infant son an ID card allowing you on post as long as he is with you? (Correct me if I'm wrong.) And so how and/or why did the subject of your other son not being a legal dependent ever come up in the first place? (I would think if you had to fill out an information card you just would have listed both of your sons without specifying?)

Reason I ask is, I can understand actually more if *you* were excluded in the first place. But if you are getting the FRG information, and have a way to get on post, why didn't you just go with your two boys and let that be that? I don't understand why your son's paternity ever came into the picture. And after much thought on the matter (its been keeping me up at night, I post this at 3am my time :sigh) I agree with you, it isn't right.

Is there more of a backstory to how this came about? Does it have more to do with a problem between you and the FRG leader?

:dunno Anyway, this long-winded post is just to clearly express that I've thought about this long and hard, I do have a (L) and this issue did touch me. And I have no problems admitting when I am wrong.

I also wanted to ammend my earlier comment about hopping from FRG to FRG as being absurd, because for social events I have been known to do the same. My comment was more to the point that FRGs are about more than being a social support group. They are also a very important information conduit between soldiers and families - and I take that and OPSEC very seriously.

I think, to the OP, if you can find another FRG that will welcome you into their fold and allow you and your sons (both) to participate in their activities then you should go for it.

And I do sympathize with the OP and the other poster who is a long-term girlfriend and mother of her boyfriend's child. I understand how frustrating it must be to deal with the fact that a piece of paper *does* define your relationship in the military. That being said, I completely agree with and understand the need for that policy, but I DO sympathize with those who it makes to feel left out.

ITA. thank you.

I promised myself I wouldn't come to this thread anymore, but I want to clarify some backstory issues.

My fiancee is National Guard. We don't have to go onto a base for meetings, just to an armory. I am listed as his next of kin, beneficiary on his life insurance policy, his point of contact... My 7 year old is also listed on his paperwork. Prior to the deployment, we all attended a Christmas party and my 7 year old was included in the gifts and treats. There wasn't any problems at all. He was included in the little tokens that they had for the kids at the deployment ceremony as well. I spoke with the FRG leader that day and reminded her of the distance between us and the meetings and asked if I could call in on meetings that were held on weekdays, etc. She was fantastic about giving me call in information and we spoke for quite a while that day. She at one point, even knelt down to my 7 year old and told him all about the activities they would be having and that she couldn't wait to see him there. She and I got along great and for the first few post deployment days when I was really struggling, she and I emailed back and forth several times. The FRG leader, by the way, is NOT a wife or mother... she's a sister. Most of my contact with the FRG has been through phone calls and strictly informative contact such as letting us know when they arrived safely, etc. When I receive newsletters, we read them together as a family. The very first one had upcomming events that included an event my son was DYING to attend. There was several activities planned for the kids and my little boy was excited about seeing those kids again, the ones he had met at Christmas and the deployment ceremony. I called the FRG leader to register him for the event and asked if there was any cost. She said no, it was free and took his information down. I called and booked a hotel for us for the night and we were making a trip out of it. He was stoked about the get together and journaled about it at school for two weeks. Two days before the event, the FRG leader calls me and says that he can't participate because he's not a legal dependent but that my then 6 month old could. There's no way a 6 month old can participate in a "track and field" day to be held in the armory. So I ask if I can offset any expense there might be and she said flat out no. I double checked the newsletter and there was nothing said about it being dependent only. I asked her if she brought her children to the events and she said of course she does. I reminded her that her children were the niece and nephew of a soldier, not a dependent and asked her to send me a copy of the bi-laws, etc. When I receive the newsletters, now via email, she includes a note that says, "Just a reminder... the child centered events are for DEPENDENTS only. Thanks!" Meanwhile, her children attend and participate in every event.

One day, I was at the grocery store when I received a phone call from my DF's CSM who was asking me if everything was ok, etc. I thought perhaps it was just a welfare check and didn't realize that he was in country, I thought maybe he was on rear deployment. About 3 minutes into the phone call, he asks me if I have been welcomed into the FRG because he was curious as to why my DF was the only father who was not included in the packages sent from the FRG. So I explained the situation to him. He was NOT happy at all and was really angry that he has a soldier who is upset that his fiancee and children (including the 7 year old) are not included. He has called me a total of three times to check back about the situation.

Someone had the audacity to say that they have to wonder what the CSM is doing if he has all this spare time to find out why a soldier isn't getting crafts sent to him. I personally see the actions of my DF's CSM as being responsible and caring. He feels it is his duty to not only keep those men and women safe, but to also give a damn about their welfare. When the unit comes together to open a package from the FRG and all the parents except ONE has whatever little thing that the FRG sent, and it clearly effects his morale. A GOOD CSM would want to find out what is going on. Personally, I think it's commendable. It's rare to find someone who gives a damn about how their subordinate is doing beyond the scope of their daily job. I think my DF's CSM is an incredible example that should be applauded for his concern and proactiveness.

As far as the FRG being a social group... I still receive my updates, etc from the FRG I'm supposed to be attached to, but my son and I have attended our first FRG meeting with a group that has welcomed us with open arms. He even made a picture frame with them and we're sending it ourselves so it will go to the right unit. I'm happy for him that he can interact with kids who are going through this too and the counselor they had there that night really helped him to see that it's ok to be really sad sometimes. He's excited about the next time we get to go because they're going to make him a button just like the other kids have too.

I didn't start this thread to stir up a lot of crap. I was simply looking to see if anyone else had a similar problem and if they found any resources. My 7 year old little boy doesn't have the same DNA as my DF, but he loves him nonetheless. He misses him tremendously and while we, as a family, do all sorts of stuff to keep my DF fresh in our hearts and minds, it's so nice to see him interacting with other kids who know exactly how he feels. The fact of the matter is that kids relate better to other kids. I can tell him till I'm blue in the face that it's going to be ok, and that it's ok to be sad sometimes... but when a kid sees other kids who are going through the same thing, it helps them to feel that they're not alone in this world. Frankly, it would be no different than me as a fiancee or any of the girlfriends who post on this site to be banned. This site is a support system to people who love their soldiers, regardless of their marital status. As grown women we need support, why wouldn't a child?

Brentscrystal... thank you for the links. To everyone who saw that I wasn't here to attack the FRG and was simply looking for resources for a little boy, I appreciate the supportive and kind words. As a mother, it's incredibly heartbreaking and frustrating to see your child hurting and no one seems to care. I am not in any way trying to dog on the FRG. It's simply unfortunate that the one I'm supposed to be interacting with is the way it is. The one we went to on Sunday was amazing and I look forward to volunteering my time with them.

I dunno if your son is too old for sesame street- probably right? Well they make a video anyway talking about deployment.. Its been posted on this site a few times and I got it for my daughter. You should take a trip to your library and ask them if they have any books. I know they have some up here, I just cannot remember the name. You could always involve him in something else- just to try to keep him occupied.

My daughter is my fiance's step child, and they act as if she is an alien because we arent married so I feel your pain. I realize though its not a personal issue its a military thing

Well that is how all of our FRG's have worked, EVERYONE and ANYONE is welcome so you can call BS on it any which way from Sunday. As far as the email list, as long as your DH/BF/SO puts your name on there you can be part of the list, and yes that includes mothers/fathers/girlfriends/fiances anyone who just might give a damn about the sailor and what he is doing and what is going on. It is NOT limited to just wives. We have tons of girlfriends/fiances who are VERY active in our FRG and they are not the "odd man out, In all reality our FRG is probably a more 50/50 spilt of married/fiances and Girlfriends. Guess I should just be thankful that our FRG is run by down to earth, caring, friendly wives and not the usual stuck up bitches that obviously rule the roost at all of these other FRG's :dunno

To the OP, Sorry about your situation, I really do feel for you. Honestly though if that is the way they treat your son and that is their stance I honestly would not want to have ANYTHING to do with them. They are obviously the epitome of what a FRG should NOT be :hugehug

I'm going to have to agree with this. I'm a girlfriend of sorts and yeah. I'm on the email list. And I'm invited to events. I choose not to participate because it doesn't really fit into my schedule but it's open to me if I choose it. I'm glad my FRG isn't run by a bunch of snotty people.

And OP I'm sorry that your son is hurting. I'm also sorry that instead of giving you resources like you asked for everyone is hopping your ass about the FRG. All I can say is that maybe the local library would be some help to you. And it sucks that they wouldn't let your older son take the little one's place. It must be contributing to his not feeling like a member of the family along with the name thing.

I wouldn't mess with your FRG either.

Onerosgirl -Well, we need to devise a plan for your DF to change branches from Army to Navy, get himself stationed in San Diego, and you and I will happily spend our time involving ourselves in my current FRG.

I LOVE these ladies and so would you! They'd adore both of your kids as well and you'd know it. Sure, some activities (like VTC) would be limited until after marriage (for me too, that's the case) but, it's never done in a hurtful way. They have great tact. Your DF would be grateful to know you were so well taken care of emotionally and socially in his absence. It's been a huge relief for my deployed DB to know of my complete inclusion and active participation with these classy women. I haven't lacked for information or friendships. I'm only sorry I live so far away and couldn't bring my kids to all the invitations for fun they extended to us over these many months.

Not taking anything away from the Army or its FRGs. Just saying, Go Navy! based on my personal experience.

And, hun, try not to take on the policies of the FRG at this emotional time for you. It's too much stress which you don't need right now. Your sons have all they need in you. They don't care about policies. They only need what you supply, not an FRG or any outside entity. Your love is all that matters in the end. Not a last name, a certificate, or a book they make or don't.