ok this may be a hard one to see the responces to but i do need to know. my so, SB, is going over to iraq in fall. and i have to know just what to expect SB will see. this is one of my questions, is it true if a iraqi person af any age walks out in front of their convoy they are to keep going, not to stop, just hit them, becouse they could be ambushing them. i need to know the storys. ive heard some very few. but inside myself, in order to deal with all this stuff i have to know what im dealing with. i am one of those type of people who needs time to soak it all in before i can deal with things. and its time i started facing reality here, instead of saying, its not time yet, its coming up fast!!! i just need to know, thats all.

ok this may be a hard one to see the responces to but i do need to know. my so, SB, is going over to iraq in fall. and i have to know just what to expect SB will see. this is one of my questions, is it true if a iraqi person af any age walks out in front of their convoy they are to keep going, not to stop, just hit them, becouse they could be ambushing them. i need to know the storys. ive heard some very few. but inside myself, in order to deal with all this stuff i have to know what im dealing with. i am one of those type of people who needs time to soak it all in before i can deal with things. and its time i started facing reality here, instead of saying, its not time yet, its coming up fast!!! i just need to know, thats all.

hun it depends on the job he will be doing. he will see all kinds of things ad may come home bothered or not, your job is to support and encourage him and let him know that you will be there waiting until he returns. I am on my 6th deployment my hubby goes alot and after a while i learned to not listen to everything, you will know what he see's if he chooses to tell you, all you need to do is spend as much quality time with him ans tell him how you feel.
It sucks but you get better with time. try to meet up with other military spouse /GF's and they will help you through this.

oh wow...this is a pretty deep question...im not sure you are going to get answers you are looking for. everyone who goes over there has a different experience...so i really dont know my exdb was special forces and wasnt allowed to tell em anythign that happened over there so i have no advice...but good luck on the deployment!

belive me i know its a deep question, but the way i see it in order to best be able to understand why SB is feeling the way they will, while SB is gone. I dont want to be like other ive seen who just dont really understand why they are reacting the way they do. i know my soldier better that anyone. and i know what will bother SB. so therefor when i get a call i may know what to say. by the way SB is MP INFANTRY SUPPORT. thats not good i know. im sorry if this sounds snippy, i dont mean it to at all.i just figured id through that in through edit.

my best friend is an MP and hes been three times now him and i know each other better then anyone else knows us...he told me somethings but most of it he doesnt his response was that is work i dont need to think about work when im not working...i dont know every person is different and the way you react is going to be different then say the way i react...so its really hard to give the advice you are looking for since i dont know you or your SO personally...kwim?

This may come across wrong but i will try hard for it not to come out bitchy.... so :hugs

I understand your need to try to know EVERYTHING. I am like that as well, i am an admitted control freak. HOWEVER, (and this is the part that is going to come across badly) you will not be there, you will not see anything, and you will not hear about everything that happens... therefore you cannot and will never be able to fully comprehend what will or might happen while your SO is there.

The ONLY thing you can do, is read your SO's tone, and as you said you know him better then anyone, so you should be able to pick up on what he is feeling. Then you support him, if he wants to talk (sometimes he won;t be allowed to talk about things even if he wanted to) then you'll listen, if he doesn't want to talk then you have to be ok about that as well. One of the HARDEST parts of deployments is that you have to be able to give support and love without knowing to much of what he is going through.

Just alittle advise though and this is coming from someone who is dealing with her SO going through PTSD.... You can not understand or comprehend what he might go through or see, so DO NOT TRY TO RELATE OR ACT AS THOUGH YOU KNOW HOW HE SHOULD DEAL WITH IT! Unfortunatly as much as we want to be be that person, we can't :no Im sorry but this a fact that really sucks. We want to be the person that makes it all better for him, we want to be the person that has all the answers, sometimes that can't be us. This is one of those times... :sigh

You will be able to get through this deployment, and i think you will be great at supporting him even without knowing all the details.

I hope you are not too pissed about this, i hope it helps you. :hugehug

This may come across wrong but i will try hard for it not to come out bitchy.... so :hugs

I understand your need to try to know EVERYTHING. I am like that as well, i am an admitted control freak. HOWEVER, (and this is the part that is going to come across badly) you will not be there, you will not see anything, and you will not hear about everything that happens... therefore you cannot and will never be able to fully comprehend what will or might happen while your SO is there.

The ONLY thing you can do, is read your SO's tone, and as you said you know him better then anyone, so you should be able to pick up on what he is feeling. Then you support him, if he wants to talk (sometimes he won;t be allowed to talk about things even if he wanted to) then you'll listen, if he doesn't want to talk then you have to be ok about that as well. One of the HARDEST parts of deployments is that you have to be able to give support and love without knowing to much of what he is going through.

Just alittle advise though and this is coming from someone who is dealing with her SO going through PTSD.... You can not understand or comprehend what he might go through or see, so DO NOT TRY TO RELATE OR ACT AS THOUGH YOU KNOW HOW HE SHOULD DEAL WITH IT! Unfortunatly as much as we want to be be that person, we can't :no Im sorry but this a fact that really sucks. We want to be the person that makes it all better for him, we want to be the person that has all the answers, sometimes that can't be us. This is one of those times... :sigh

You will be able to get through this deployment, and i think you will be great at supporting him even without knowing all the details.

I hope you are not too pissed about this, i hope it helps you. :hugehug

ok well im not pissed i just feel you didnt quite get what i ment, for some reason you feel i think i can totally relate to what they are going through. I WOULD NERVE SAY THAT!!! and i am asking becouse i care, not becouse im a control freak!

It's not about why or how you asked though, she gave you good advice, and it's true.

It sucks, but it's true. They see things we will never know, and things that will torment them, but that they will never be able to explain... except to their "battle buddies" who were there too.

Just love him and support him, and be ready for the roller coaster ride that is deployment, and life in the military.

My DB is also dealing with PTSD. He's been home for 10 days from a 7 month deployment, but not a single person in his family (or me) has heard from him longer than 10 seconds... and only to be told he needed to be "alone" for awhile... because he is struggling with so much. It's horrible to feel helpless, but we all do, as the "ones at home" at some point, esp in my situation, and similar ones. 10 days home, and I have yet to hear his voice... this is the same man who several months ago was talking about deployment as just another "vacation" and how he "couldn't wait to be home and talk to me."

Now, I am trying my best to be patient and understanding while he fights his demons, knowing it's a fight he must wage essentially alone, and this was his 4th deployment.

Some are more impacted than others by what goes on. No one means to scare you or call you a control freak... just hang in there, and know so much is on a need to know basis even for the AD member... Just keep loving him... that's all you can do. :hugehug

To be honest. Unless he wants to tell you its really not something to worry about. Alot of times marines and soldiers don't discuss their stories because its not any of our buisness :wink And it also depends on his job. Some service members go over and never see anything at all. Lets hope that he never sees anything :D

I'm an information person as well. I need facts. I need information. I need to know what to expect so that I can prepare for things. In shoret, i'm an info junkie and planner. But the military (in my limited experience) doesn't work that way. Things are on a need to know basis and change at the drop of a hat. Sometimes the information you want is information that you cannot have. What your SO will experience over there is highly dependent on his duties, his exact location, his COs, and the events in country at any given moment. Rather than answer your question, which I can't, I encourage you to start re-thinking your approach. Try to let go of that need for information and adapt to things as they arise. It will make your life easier in the end.

ok well im not pissed i just feel you didnt quite get what i ment, for some reason you feel i think i can totally relate to what they are going through. I WOULD NERVE SAY THAT!!! and i am asking becouse i care, not becouse im a control freak!

:dunno but what makes you think that you can relate with some of the things that he is going to see. We are all back home not knowing or understand whats they are actually going to see. You might not even know what he is going to see or go through. Sometimes, things like that are personal and not meant for us to know. My BIL and Brother have been 3 times not once have they shared stories that were bothersome. I think that if you want to be prepared, you shouldnt get ready for the stories but ready for those comforting words. How can we honestly comfort someone that have seen some of the stuff that they have may have seen when we will never see it first hand. :dunno I understand what you are trying to say but I think the ladies are trying to tell you that whatever your SO is going to experience or see nothing is going to make it better. We just have to be there and try to support the best we can. If someone told you that yes they have to kill what ever is going to walk in there path, Honestly what can any of us say to make the vision of something like that go away. Really I dont want to sound like a B#@$% but honestly I don't think that we can comfort an experience that will we never see or understand. :hugs

Honestly, he may or may not tell you what happened.

My dad was in Vietnam 40 years ago, and we still only hear the tiniest bits and pieces of what happened. Never anything life altering... Some people just don't want to talk about it.

Whatever your SO may or may not see... there's no guarantees, there's nothing for you to say about it, and you may or may not hear about it. So nobody here can tell you what to expect or how to prepare. A lot of people come home from deployment and end up being fine, a lot have really bad PTSD. It just all depends.

So, I guess, just be prepared to support him in whatever ways he needs, and be prepared to hear the worst, the best, or nothing at all. :dunno

As much as you might think you want to know what he's going to see in Iraq, YOU DON'T. There is no need what so ever for you to want to know those things. Some of it is completely inhumane and is not something you need to think about all the time because time will pass slowly for you and you will be miserable thinking about the bad things that happen. Sometimes the stories I hear will turn my stomach and I can't sleep because I'm up thinking about it. I used to want to know too, but I don't. For the sake of being normal back here and being emotionally stable to support my soldier, I just don't wanna know anymore! Sometimes he calls very upset and needs to talk, but the conversation goes as far as DB wants it too.
I think this is really hard to answer because I think it's hard for other people to talk about it. Yes there are dead people, yes people get killed, yes some of them are really gross and horrifying and yes I'm sure they just keep going if they think they're going to be ambushed... wouldn't you?

If you really wanna know what's going on in Iraq, Watch the News! Or google it, you will answer your own question.


Just remember that they are being trained to be able to "see" these things and to comprehend them and how to deal with bad situations. You are not being trained to do that, and that is why it should be kept a secret. It's a lot harder to deal with deployment when you know all of the things that are going on.

And not all deployments are nasty, and horrifying, a lot of these soldiers love what they do and volunteer to go to Iraq and other places. Some places are safer than others and all depends on what his job is. I know people who came back from deployments and were never scared once that something was going to happen. But again, he is trained for this and I'm sure he's emotionally ready to go. I think you need to find what is going to make you emotionally ready to accept the fact that he's going. He's going to need you to fall back on so be strong, because everything is going to work out for you.

i don't why but this thread made me want to cry. i think it's because although i want to be able to relate to dh so badly while he is deployed and when he comes home, i do not want to really know these things at all. if he wants to tell me anything i will listen and support him the best i can, but imagining him in those situations hurts my heart

i don't why but this thread made me want to cry. i think it's because although i want to be able to relate to dh so badly while he is deployed and when he comes home, i do not want to really know these things at all. if he wants to tell me anything i will listen and support him the best i can, but imagining him in those situations hurts my heart

This is definitely a touchy subject. When DB came home from Afghanistan he had a few drinks in him and completely broke down crying and said something I will never ever repeat. and after he said that, I won't ask him anything! It hits you like a ton of bricks!

I agree with all the ladies responses. I understand your curiousity, but these are things you do not NEED to know necessarily. And to be honest, you may never know. This is something you're going to have to accept with your SO being in the military... I'm one of those people too who needs to know everything and have a plan for everything, but this does not happen in the military. This is something I've definitely had to get used to; it takes time. Instead of trying to figure out what he'll necessarily encounter over there, I would focus on being supportive. A lot of the things he'll go through, he most likely won't even be able to talk to you about based on security reasons. Even the question you're asking may not be able to be answered based on security reasons. I know this may not be something you want to hear, but hang in there and let us know if you need any support!

so tell me just how do you be supportive, when you really dont know what is going on. i just really want to be there for SB so they dont turn to others or being drunk again, all the time to cover it all up. the drinking issues are already passed in our life, so most drink alot to help them cope with it?? i guess we delt with the drinking before we can again if need be. i am starting to see what is being said here. you dont feel i should for my own sanity, not try to find out everything a can. it will only make it harder for me while SB is gone. and actually SB may not want me to know... to protect my heart. to spare me the fears, the agony of actuall knowing. SB is very protective over my fealings.

You sound very similar to my mother-in-law - she is very concerned about the deployment and wants to educate herself on everything DH is doing. Unfortunately, DH neither cares to tell her anything he's doing nor could he ever tell her enough to fully understand the situation. I'm the complete opposite - the less I know the better. I do care and I show that by offering the support he needs from me. IMO, the less you know, the better. It's not worth getting all freaked out when you don't know what he's going through, kwim? From what I've experienced, he's unlikely to tell you everything he sees anyway.

so tell me just how do you be supportive, when you really dont know what is going on. i just really want to be there for SB so they dont turn to others or being drunk again, all the time to cover it all up. the drinking issues are already passed in our life, so most drink alot to help them cope with it?? i guess we delt with the drinking before we can again if need be. i am starting to see what is being said here. you dont feel i should for my own sanity, not try to find out everything a can. it will only make it harder for me while SB is gone. and actually SB may not want me to know... to protect my heart. to spare me the fears, the agony of actuall knowing. SB is very protective over my fealings.

I think it depends on your SO, but DH likes that I spend time sending him care packages, letters and letting him know EVERYTHING that goes on back here because he's afraid our family doesn't need him after he's been gone for 15 months. When he calls, that's all he asks about... he never says anything about what they're doing. I ask him to help in making decisions, so he still feels connected to my life. I hope that helps. :hugs

You just keep going on with your life and staying productive but at the same time send him packages write him love notes send him emails be up beat when he calls. If you stay productive it makes them not feel as bad. Usually they feel guilty or leaving but if he sees that you are still enjoying life it will take alot off of him as far as stress wise. Those small things really mean the world to them. And if you are worried about him drinking while in Iraq it is not allowed.

All of these ladies are soooo right. All you can do is be strong over here, and love him. If he needs to talk then you let him talk...otherwise...think WWII, those wives had no means of communicaction like we do, but they would write love letters they would send locks of hair....well you do the modern version, you write love letters, you send care packages (you can go to www.usps.com now to order you free 25 boxes for America Supports you) you buy a webcam, you put notes in his bag for him to find when he gets there...basically you give him hope being over there, something to look forward to coming home to, a reason to fight when he has too. That's all, he has his friends over there to help with the military stuff...you have your mission here you help take care of his heart. Good Luck :)

Somethings are better off not knowing. Ignorance is bliss and I don't mean that by being stupid I just mean it by you will be better off not knowing everything that goes on over there. You will just sit and worry yourself sick. Just love him and spend as much time with him while you can. Don't even try to let the deployment ruin your time together. Every second is precious.

Another option would be to watch some war documenteries.. may not be the exact situation your SO is in, but it can really educate you on what's going on over there. The military channel and PBS has some really good ones from soldiers and thier diaries while over there.

Everybody situation is different, DH is a MP and has been over there a few months and hasnt seen anything bad as of yet, it just all depends, no way of really knowing until he is over there and willing to share with you.

The Economist is also a good read, if you are into that kind of thing... it's obviously not ALWAYS about Iraq, but so many of the articles and features tie into it, and are really interesting... making you think, without ripping your heart out.

Also, there was just an article out the other day, talking about how, as the troops begin to come home there should and will be an increase in the diplomatic corp numbers that are "deployed." It's very fascinating, especially because the Dept. of State has put itself into a nice pickle due to trying to restructure the hiring process of the diplomatic corps.

But, I am an information :nerd too. Check it out. Then, you can talk to your SO about "situations" and have "discussions" without it being directly related to what HE is dealing with. DB and I do that a lot, and we love it. From that, every now and again, I get "war stories" but I don't expect them.

I find this question to be highly bizarre. Some questions are better left unaswered. And I hate to break it to you but you won't be getting lots of answers when it comes to many things and certainly not situations like that. Ignorance is bliss with certain things.

so tell me just how do you be supportive, when you really dont know what is going on. i just really want to be there for SB so they dont turn to others or being drunk again, all the time to cover it all up. the drinking issues are already passed in our life, so most drink alot to help them cope with it?? i guess we delt with the drinking before we can again if need be. i am starting to see what is being said here. you dont feel i should for my own sanity, not try to find out everything a can. it will only make it harder for me while SB is gone. and actually SB may not want me to know... to protect my heart. to spare me the fears, the agony of actuall knowing. SB is very protective over my fealings.

What does support have to do with you knowing about him being put in the situations you brought up. Do you honestely think he wants to talk about the reality of war? No, he wants to escape it by talking about NORMAL things. You help him by offering support and love. Not by drudging up things that are hard for him to even comprehend at the time.

I never said YOU were a control freak, I said I was. It sounds like you understand what i was trying to get across, now that others worded it better than i could.

As far as your question to how you show him support with out knowing what is happening, is not a simple answer. Every situation is going to be diferent and as you said before you know him better then anyone else, so when the time comes you will know what you need to do to try to comfort him.

What someone also said about him needing normality from you is SO right! That is one of things that my DF specifically said helped the most, hearing about the day to day boring stuff happening back at home. Hearing about how i fought with DD over what she was going to wear to school or how I locked my keys in the car, that is what helped him stay grounded :shrug

:hugs Deployments suck for SO many reasons, but we are here to help as much as possible. You can make it through this!!!

:hugs

so tell me just how do you be supportive, when you really dont know what is going on. i just really want to be there for SB so they dont turn to others or being drunk again, all the time to cover it all up. the drinking issues are already passed in our life, so most drink alot to help them cope with it?? i guess we delt with the drinking before we can again if need be. i am starting to see what is being said here. you dont feel i should for my own sanity, not try to find out everything a can. it will only make it harder for me while SB is gone. and actually SB may not want me to know... to protect my heart. to spare me the fears, the agony of actuall knowing. SB is very protective over my fealings.

I can understand where you are coming from in asking this question and I think the other ladies have given you some great advice.

Another point I'd like to mention is that quite of few of us have had our SOs tell us some of the awful things they've seen. We know that it weighs heavily on their mind. My initial reaction to this question is not wanting to talk about it because it is such a serious and sad part of war and I don't want to make light of it by talking about it. (I absolutely know this is not your intent, honestly.) DB and I barely discuss it because its not things he likes to dwell upon or remember. So for me, discussing this feels like I'm exposing him, kwim?

Again, please understand that I know you asked because your just trying to wrap your mind around what is about to happen with your SO and how you should respond.

Also, I think the suggestion about watching the military channel is great advice. I've watched a lot of shows like that since DB left and read a few books that have given me some insight I was looking for.

Finally, I realize you want to be the one that he talks to and shares what is going on. Sometimes you might be that person and sometimes he will need his battle buddies. It may be hard but you're going to need to give him that room. Remember, your job is to be supportive in whatever way possible so he can process what he's been through and seen. Sometimes that will be through being a listening ear, or encouragement, or giving him his space to process alone or with his guy friends.

He is going to want and need you to talk about things not related to his job or the war. Send him great letters, care packages, and emails. Just knowing he can depend upon you to be faithful and to communicate with him while he's gone is the best support you can give him.

This is definitely a touchy subject. When DB came home from Afghanistan he had a few drinks in him and completely broke down crying and said something I will never ever repeat. and after he said that, I won't ask him anything! It hits you like a ton of bricks!

The only time my father ever spoke of his experiences in the war (Navy, WWII) is when he had too much to drink, which wasn't very often. On the rare occasions I saw him drunk (I can count on one hand!), it was because he was trying to keep up with his sons-in-law and the assholes thought it was funny to get the old man drunk. Luckily, my husband witnessed it once and made sure it never happened again while he was around (but it was still good sporting fun for the others, jerks).

Anyhow- my mother said he would 'relive the war' all night long, he would alternate between yelling and crying and he would have an absolutely miserable night, and then he'd be hung over the next day, to boot. This part of him NEVER surfaced unless he was waaay drunk, so there was never much need to have him seek treatment for it.

I recommend that any of you who are dealing with a SO who may be suffering from PTSD, please encourage him/her to seek treatment/counseling, and consider counseling for yourself. I can't imagine my rarely-visted father's hell-when-drunk being a daily, or otherwise regular, occurrence.

I wish you all strength.

hmmm... my so is in iraq right now. all i can say is, don't seek out or listen to horror stories. like KAmOm said, it depends on what type of job he is doing when he gets there. truth is, you wont know anything thats going on unless he chooses to tell you (that is, if he CAN tell you) like anaopps said, you can read their voices. i can tell when my db is going on a mission, just by the way his voice sounds. It's still early in the deployment for me, but I just listen to him and take whatever he can tell me. I don't question him about specifics because I know we can't talk about such things. Just try to go with the ride as it takes you.