Our first deployment

My fiance is getting deployed really soon, this past week he has been irratable and grouchy. We've been getting in stupid fights and im really scared. He has been shutting down his emotions and i dont know what to do.
Is this normal? Does this usually happen right before deployment?
Any advice on how to talk to him about this or be "normal" with out being clingy or setting him off?

Yes, that is normal. Just be as supportive and understanding as you can. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't. And you might want to edit your post so it doesn't show the exact date of his deployment. It's against OPSEC rules.

Yes, that is normal. Just be as supportive and understanding as you can. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't. And you might want to edit your post so it doesn't show the exact date of his deployment. It's against OPSEC rules.

Thank you ive been loosing my mind thinkin its me or something els.

It's not you. :) He's just stressed and probably nervous.

It's not you. :) He's just stressed and probably nervous.

Thank you, does this get easier? will he get a bit more relaxed once he gets there?

:yes Completely normal. As hard as it is to deal with, you just gotta be there and support him and try to understand. Don't set him off or anything. Once the deployment gets started, he should be a bit more "relaxed".. However, he will have his hard and stressful days. And all you can do is be there for him. Good luck!

From the Emotional Cycle of Deployment:

A common occurrence, just prior to deployment, is for Soldiers and their spouses to have a significant argument.5,9 For couples with a long history, this argument is readily attributed to the ebb-and-flow of marital life and therefore not taken too seriously. For younger couples, especially those experiencing an extended separation for the first time, such an argument can take on "catastrophic" proportions. Fears that the relationship is over can lead to tremendous anxiety for both Soldier and spouse. In retrospect, these arguments are most likely caused by the stress of the pending separation. From a psychological perspective, it is easier to be angry than confront the pain and loss of saying goodbye for six months or more.5,6

Read the whole article here: http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/Familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm

I found that really helpful. And yes, totally normal!

Totally normal. Just be supportive and loving but give him some space.

Like everyone else said--normal for everyone--just hang in there

Totally normal. Just be supportive and loving but give him some space.

Yes :agree it's hard right before they leave...they are trying to adjust to putting emotions on hold and you are trying to hold onto every last second...once you get into the deployment a little it will help. Good Luck, hang in there you can do this. Just (L) him.

My advice: make him a nice fat juicy steak and give him a beer. Steak= good. He's REALLY stressed out because it's so close to deployment; I was too and you are NOT the only one going through it.

Instead of trying to force conversation on him, just make him a steak--or if you aren't chef-inclined, take him out to a sports bar or a steak restaurant. Give him a hug and tell him you love him and just hold him for a little bit (best right before bed).

Other than food and physical contact, that's pretty much all I can give you.

From the Emotional Cycle of Deployment:



Read the whole article here: http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/Familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm

I found that really helpful. And yes, totally normal!

Thank you so much that is so helpfull

Very normal. Some great advice from the other posters.

Yeah it's normal. He's just preparing himself. :hugs

Yes this is normal. Because we react weird to it and so do they they have to get ready emotionally and I know it may cause problems. But believe me it is perfectly normal

absolutely the norm!!!!!!!!!

just be there but give him his space!! its hard but it comes with the relationship!

VERY NORMAL!! Just try to stay supportive. Also, try not to push him too much if he doesn't want to talk about certain things. It will come with time(for us is was the last day)lol. You are both just dealing with change, which causes stress, which causes stupid arguments. Just be there for each other. My DB got all weird if I got emotional and wanted to talk about it. I knew it was just because he was stressed out and scared too. I did my best to suck it in and not mention stuff a lot b/c i knew it was hard for him. Also, another thing I did was I tried too hard to make everything perfect the 4 days before he left, if we got into an argument i would say something like "i don't want to fight because you're leaving and the time we have left together should be perfect" I don't know if anyone else ever went through that, but I quickly learned that it doesn't have to be perfect. You realize that it doesn't have to be perfect, just try not to linger on it. good luck!

Don't quote me on this, but from what I understand some people will actually push away those who care about them the most when they're planning on leaving for an extended period of time. For awhile my boyfriend got in this "mood" where he would be very distant from me AND his entire family. It was tough, but we overcame it. This is supposedly a defense that the human mind comes up with to make the separation less painful when it happens. If you're on bad terms with your mother/friend/girlfriend, it makes it a lot less painful when you leave and don't see them for ages. Asides from that, stress will make some people crazy.

DH did the same thing. Hang in there. :hugs

i agree with the other ladies. i know that i'm terrified of the upcoming deployment bc i don't want him to get like that but i know he will and i am trying my hardest to just back off and let him deal and hope that he will come around and want to spend some quality time with his family. he got kinda weird before he left for bct and ait so i have a good idea of what to expect, but i know that going overseas is a lot more stress than bct. but he was gone for 6 months for his basic so we'll see. i hope you guys get through it and can make it work. it will be ok. just give him some space and don't be clingy. i know its easier said than done. good luck

i had to go through the same with db before he was going back to iraq from r&r. he started acting like a real ass and was really irritable so i basically, called him out on it and asked if he realized how terrible he had been acting and he told me honestly he hadn't realized and he was sorry. its very stressful for the both of you but just be as supportive as possible and i know how frustrating that can be. sometimes they will even get into nonsense fights that dont make any sense. i left db to go back to school a week before he had to leave and i was trying to not call him and interrupt the time he was spending with his family...and one night he told me to call him when i got done with a paper and when i did he acted as if i was annoying him by calling and so i asked what was wrong. he said he was annoyed that i was calling so much. i told him he was acting ridiculous and wasnt making any sense since i had specifically not called him and made him call me when he wasnt busy since i had left. i think once he realized how much of a nutcase he was acting, he respected me even more for still being supportive and understanding.