First of all, hi I just discovered these forums and I love them!

My boyfriend of 6 and 1/2 years is in the army (actually just discharged for completing his 4 year term and now thinking about possibly reinlisting) and just got back from Iraq in January. When we saw each other for that first month, everything was fine. He was on leave actually and had to go back to Texas for about a month a half and is now officially home since the beginning of April.

My question for all of you is, is it normal for people to breakup after this? Especially because everything was fine between us, even better than its ever been and all we've been looking forward to for four years is his coming home? He just told me one day, out of the blue, that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't have the same feelings towards me as he did before. I went to see him last weekend and he opened up a lot of about Iraq and such, our relationship over the past four years, and he did say that he still has strong feelings for me and wants to take me back but needs some time, which I am gladly giving him. But I just wanted to know if things will resolve or if I should just let him go? I can't decide if he needs me/wants me around anymore? Anyone feel like this with their significant others?

Thanks!

I haven't heard of this happening to anyone else but me... (I don't really know very many military couples personally though) but now that I hear you explaining it... It sounds so eerily similar to what happened with DB and I that it makes me wonder if it isn't uncommon...

two weeks before my DB came home from his first deployment, I got an email saying the same things... That he just doesn't love me anymore and that he didn't think things would be the same when he got home and that he doesn't have the same feelings for me... I just about fell to the floor when I read it because I was totally and completely shocked because I thought things were GREAT... And I blamed myself for the whole thing, thinking that I hadn't supported him enough or said the right things to him while he was gone...

We got back together a few months after that... And he finally explained to me that he was just scared that I would be a different person when he came home. He told me that he was just so nervous about it that he thought at the time that breaking up with me before he came home would be the best thing to do. He told me that it was even hard to explain to me because the feeling at the time was so intense and that I wouldn't understand. That was quite some time ago and we've been back together for a long time since then and things have been great...

I think its more common than people like to admit.
Anyways, same thing (of sorts) happened to me too. About a month after a great R&R and 2 weeks before he came home, DB did the same thing. He says he still loves me and wants things to work out....I think its just the overwhelming emotions from readjustment to everything again. Changing the things they actually do feel like they have control over is the way they go about it.
But I am still supporting him and working with him through all of this, hoping there is a light at the end of this tunnel too.

Oh my goodness it sounds so much like what I'm going through! We seemed to be pretty good about 1 mth before he came back - after a very up and down deployment. He was saying he loved me and was looking forward to seeing me. And then he disappeared online, and arrived back without telling me, and didn't want to see me, and has now been back a month and is saying that he can't be with me because he doesn't love me or doesn't know if he loves me. Arghhhgh. I don't know what to do either - whether to wait a bit, or whether to try to move on.

It can be common yes--I'm actually married so it's slightly different--but the guys are afraid of changes--and they get so emotionally worn out that they literally have trouble feeling ANYTHING....My DH and I are lucky that we've have one prior deployment and I grew up in an Army family so I'm familar with it. He may feel like you're a complete stranger--he may just want to go and drink with his buddies and sleep with the girsl waiting to "welcome them home" it could be PTSD it could be a lot of things...the only thing you can do is try and feel out why he's doing these things.

:hugs sorry I'm not more helpful

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses, they definitely made me feel like I'm not alone and the only one going through this. Does anyone have any suggestions or experience that they did with their DBs during this process?

Hi there,

What you are talking about - the silence, distance and confusion is really really common. My BF is a marine and we have struggled with communication since he came back from Iraq a year ago.

The readjustment has been hard and he likes to keep most of what he feels to himself for long periods, working it out himself:tired....he started to withdraw about a week before he got home and we have been back and forth like that ever since..he has always said that he wants to be in the relationship, have a future, and that he loves me ... but he will go through looooooooong periods with communicating (sometimes a month!) and then pop back up when he's ready...he has been diagnosed with PTSD and that may be what you have here with your BF. My BF said he felt numb after we saw each other for the first time after deployment, months later...and he was really confused by it.

If you love him and feel you trust him, just give him some time and space..let him know that you are there for him if he needs, but do give him space..let him miss you..and let him know that you miss him...try not to take it personally, blame or question too much that he has gone silent...I send my bf little notes here and there that he reads and he is very grateful that I have been patient and stuck by him...he really appreciated knowing that I still cared for him after he came back and would take the time to send him little daily updates even though he didn't want to talk....during this time, he has been really sensitive and fearful about things but usually won't admit to it for awhile..

..I would learn as much as you can about post-combat, post deployment changes...lots of info online if you google. K

Hey I am going thru the SAME THING! Josh came home from Afghan and he was all "I know I love you and I remember loving you but I don't feel anything" Its terriable :(

:hugs girls... hang in there. Boys with PTSD (and ladies too) can have a rough time figuring out their emotions. Remember to evaluate your own feelings and his level of respect towards you, but try to always support them at least as a friend....

So sorry you all are going through this :bigsadhug

Sorry you're going through this - it is really common. When my boyfriend returned from his deployment (the 1st since we met) he was very cold - he does have PTSD though and he's special forces and doesn't (can't) share things with me - but after pretty much no contact for 10 weeks I felt he didn't care and after a few days I ended things. I said I still loved him but that I didn't like the coldness. He apologized, said he still loved me, and we said we'd keep in touch. He turned around and deployed again - 5 months later he got back in touch, thanked me for my mail and emails and said he still loved me too. He was all smiles and chatting - soooooo different from the previous time. 10 days later he stopped communicating which means he's deployed - again :( that was 12 weeks ago. My advice is just to give him space if that's what he wants, and don't be too hasty to end the relationship. If it's all meant to be, you'll work things though. Continue to be there for him. Good luck.

Yes this is very very very common.... Matter of fact I am going through this with my SO or Ex SO, whatever u wanna call him. While he was deployed he loved the hell outta me, but when he came back which was only June 2nd he treated me like shit and would tell me he loved me more than anything in like the same breath. I dont know what to tell you because I am still going through it, but I just know that it is very common.

Hi, I'm new here, but this thread was exactly what I was looking for. I'm on the otherside of things in a different way... I met my DB online while he was stationed in HI. We met in person for the first time 3 months later when he finished his four years of active duty and moved back home. We fell in love & see each other as much as we can (he lives 2 hours away). A few weeks ago he told me he could see us getting engaged in about 6 months, told me he loved me, and that I was his best friend. I thought everything was great. A few days ago he said he wasn't sure he was ready to be in a relationship & didn't know what was going on in his life. I was confused since he had initiated all these conversations. He said he needed space & time to figure himself out. I'm new to anything military related as none of my friends or family have been in since I've been alive. I'm not sure if some of this is due to PTSD or how to handle... to let go or wait patiently and in the background.

Hey badger15, welcome to SOS and sorry its under such circumstances. I don't know what is the best thing to do but all I can say that it seems to be very real - many genuinely are not able to cope with emotions and relationships when they get back. As to what to do, I don't know. I've heard of 3-4 month turn arounds but I don't know. I'm in a 'no contact' phase and have been for 2 months more or less. I'm telling myself I can't wait since who knows whether he'll ever come around, but I'm also hoping that if its meant to be it works itself out when he does start to recover. Anyway, hugs to you!

i've heard of this a lot...sometimes, the guy doesn't like feeling like he has someone to worry about at home...so they break ties to relieve themselves of that burden. then, when they see everything is fine and they are able to reunite with you, they want to have a relationship again. i guess it makes them feel better to not make someone worry constantly about them. i dunno. :hugs

My DH and I had similar problems when he came home from Iraq. For the first few months, we were perfect and it slowly got worse. We almost got a divorce because neither of us could handle it any more. It only stopped when he finally admitted that there was something wrong with him and it wasn't just us problems that was causing it. Now he's so much better, he's going to therapy and on meds to help him deal with everything. And somehow we managed to come back from it. I actually left him and was staying with a friend for a few days. So I think if we can come back from that then y'all might be able to work it out.

Does he say that he just doesn't love you as much any more or is it also that he is sort of numb and doesn't have feelings for anything anymore? The latter is what my husband always used to say which was when I figured out that his problems had more to do with what he went through in Iraq than it had to do with me.

Coming home from a deployment can be extremely hard, especially after all the things they see over there that we hear about, but still after hearing don't completely understand since we weren't there. It takes time for them to readjust to being home. And breakups are very common. Hell, my exhubby and I broke up BEFORE he came home from Iraq. We're still apart, so I guess that could be a bad example lol. But if he's opening up to you, and you're still hanging out, that's a good thing. You just need to give him a little time and space to figure things out. Guys like to bundle everything up inside, dwell on it. They feel it makes them less manly to talk about feelings and such. But that's bad, and we all know it. One day they will just explode. And it can get worse. PTSD can kick in, and they're not the same person, which is what I'm dealing with with DF. But DF doesn't like to talk to anyone, not me or his friends or family or his therapist. Which scares me to death. But we all agreed to give him time. He'll open up to someone eventually. It'll probably be his dad, seeing as his dad's had some deployments as well, so he's more understanding. Or hell, it could be our baby once it's born. That'd be funny.
Just be patient with him though. That's all I can say. Let him come to you, don't try to force anything out of him. He'll talk. He'll wake up one day.

Thanks for all of your encouragement! It seems that the time, space, & a ton of prayer is helping. When my DB left my house last Friday I didn't know what was going on. It was like he had stone-walled and couldn't put words to anything. It wasn't clear if it was our relationship or other things that was causing him stress.

I read a lot about PTSD over the weekend and he seemed to be showing a lot of symptoms, but I didn't know how to approach the subject.

He called Monday to apologize for what happened and said he was starting to feel more like himself after being alone in the mountains for a day. He also thought that he might have PTSD and it trying to get an appointment with the VA.

A lot of people have said that this probably won't be the last time that he hits a wall & thinks that he can't be in a relationship anymore & will try to shut me out. Have you all noticed a recurring pattern with this? If so, how do you cope?

We talked about taking things much slower and making sure that he's getting a better balance of time alone vs. being around other people (incl. me), getting more exercise, etc. This is great and all, but can anything take the place of talking about this stuff with a counselor or support group?

Hope you are all well :)

It looks like I spoke too soon. This Friday was a repeat of last Friday. My DB's officially ended our relationship saying that he doesn't want to be in a relationship now. The scarier part is that he doesn't remember a lot about our relationship and we've only been dating for a month & a half. He doesn't seem to remember any details of a 6 day trip we went on on our 2nd date. It's scary & concerning. He said he never wants to hear anything about PTSD again and that I'm the only one he can't relax & be himself around. I'm just sad, confused, hurt, not sure what to do....

Ah Badger15, the thing is, when everyone is saying give him space and time, they/we are not talking about days or weeks, but months and months. So really I think the thing to do is to move-on, not be waiting and anxious, but at the same time, if you can do that, leave a possibility for contact in the future. This is not a joke - these guys are very seriously messed up. In a way that really puts in question whether they will EVER be able to function normally, be relied upon, open up and have a normal range of emotions. Some recover it seems - but many don't. Just look at the vietnam vets and that's many many years. My ex had PTSD from his previous deployment and he said it took him 4 years to get more or less funcitonal (or unfuck himself as he puts it). Then he deployed again, and now he's completely shut down. I've had 3 moments of contact with him since he got back 3 months ago, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.
So I feel for you, and all of us who are going through this, but I also think we have to be realistic. These men are not good bets for relationships, to be fathers, or husbands :(

unfortunately, i'm starting to understand this 'reality' all too well. after this weekend i've broke off all communication with my ex. i know his parents are taking care of him in getting him to the VA and doing whatever they can to help. i have to rest in that. i don't necessarily have hope in a future between us, but i have to have hope that God can heal him and get him through this time. because if there isn't hope, what else is there?

does anyone know if after someone's memory is affected by ptsd (not just that they have vivid flashbacks, but also that they can't remember things that just happened last week) is it likely that they'll remember things after seeking treatment?

also what kind of things are offered to vets after they get home & need to transition back to civilian life? i'm just wondering how spouses of those with ptsd and especially those with kids are coping? it breaks my heart to think about it. the more i learn about this, the more frustrated i am that it seems like there should be something more we can do to help these guys transition back and get help faster. i just want to do something to help.

This is exactly what I am going through now, it happened back in March and when he came home he seemed different, but we were working things through, then in May his feelings started changing. He blamed me for a lot of our relationship problems. This is really common and let me tell you just how glad I am that I am not the only one going through this. My husband and I are currently separated because of it. He says he wants to work things out and even agreed to go to marriage counseling, but he hasn't made our appointment yet. I'm worried that he's in denial about his PTSD and won't follow through. I tried telling his parents about it, but all they wanted to do was blame me for our separation and just said to me, you're just not the same person he married. I agree with Kiwi, this is just something they all go through, they have a lot on their minds and they're confused with emotions that are so overwhelming that we can't even fathom. Don't give up on them, they have to know that someone still cares and still loves them. I know its hard to take and it can be very hurtful at times, but try not to take it personally, his problems have nothing to do with you, even though I feel as if it does sometimes, by the way he complains about the things I do, it isn't uncommon for them to displace anger, if they can't forgive themselves for something they did while deployed, then they're going to take it out on the ones their closest too and thats the girlfriends, the fiances and the wives, or vice versa.

How about before they leave for a deployment? have you girls noticed any change before they leave??
today my db and i were talking and i mentioned that a person in his unit was broken up with and he said "she proobably couldn't handle the premobilization" and i said that he would have preferred to have someone home waiting for him and my db said "i personally would prefer to deploy being single.....:confused
it would be easier..." i didnt say anything after that.... but now its been kinda bothering me.... so i plan on saying something to him about it... cause if he prefers to be single i have to prepare my feelings for a split.... and thats it.
we have been together for about a year and 1/2 now.....so well see.

I was wondering after reading all of these comments, how do they act when it comes to their children? It is one thing as an adult to deal with it, but how about the children? I never went through it with dh, but it's always good to be prepared. You never know about next deployment. I also wish everyone luck on their situations, my heart honestly goes out to you ladies.

My husband went through that phase. They do think its easier to leave if they don't have someone they love, left behind. My husband distanced himself from me too. He started hanging out with the guys a lot more and even took a trip up to Canada without me, I was super ticked to find that out. But, yeah its normal. I'm not sure if I would mention it to him, he, like most guys tend to open their mouths without thinking first.

My husband has become somewhat detached from our son. I mean he misses us both and even cried when we left the apartment when we separated, but he's very distant with us both. And he knows its because this is hurting us. My son doesn't really know what is going on, but he is affected by it. We all are.

i did actually say something to my boyfriend through an e-mail... since i had a hard time bringing it up last night when i saw him... but i just made it kinda light saying if thats how you feel then we should sit down and talk about it in person!
i havent gotten a reply yet, but it really got my mind wandering. i guess i cant help but think other things now!

Yeah, I suppose saying something might help ease your fears or better prepare yourself, but I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, other than it'll be hard to leave you. My husband didn't want us to see him off, it would've been to hard for him. And now we're in this separation and I hate it! I just want us to get the help we need or at least have him get the help he needs.

I have been gone from SOS for a long time, it kinda took over my life and I needed to deal with the deployment on my own. Well he left in february 07 and came back in may 08 from Iraq (3rd deployment). He was home for 2 months, living with me off and on since I live about 1 hour away from post. Things were ok at first, but I also experienced most of what you are talking about. He is distant, doesn't want to tell me what he is thinking, he blames most of our problems on me... When ever we get in fights, I find myself wondering, am I going to say something to make him mad. I was so worried about losing the relationship, I would do anything to keep it together. Well he has one more month off and has been in California visiting family and friends. We have been together for 2 years and I have never met his family or friends. He didn't want me to come down there are at all, said he was too busy. :confused I know we all need space, but I thought this was weird.

He will be at Fort Bliss soon, going to school for two years (in some kind of program). I was planning on leaving Seattle to move down there, but I have been so frustrated with the way he has been treating me. Needless to say, i got to point break and broke things off with him on last week. I told him he needs to find his happiness because he just isn't happy. When we get into one fight, he claims the whole relationship sucks and I don't make him happy. I told him it isn't fair to make me responsible for him being happy. I am so regretting breaking up with him, I miss him so much, but I know it was the logical side of me doing it. Now I am wondering if it is PTSD (because he has been diagnosed) and what he is going through. He never opens up until the bitter end.

I am just not sure what to do? :confuzzle I told him i would give him space after we broke up a week ago, he wrote me one email and now I am just waiting for him to call. I am not sure if we will get back together, but he did admit he has problem, which i guess is the first step...:unlove

Sorry for thread jacking, this just hit very close to home... and I am a jacked up mess!!!

It can get to be too much. I am sure you're regretting it, but the fact that he is opening up to you is a good thing! He has admitted that he has a problem, which is a normal way to react after experiencing something traumatic. It isn't your fault, I too am blamed for absolutely everything going wrong in our relationship, you're not alone, my husband does the same thing to me. Space is a great thing to, they do need their space. I would email him and tell him that you'll always be there for him no matter what, he needs to know that you're there for him. I send texts to my husband from time to time to see how he is, sometimes he responds but most of the time he doesn't. Same with phone calls. They distance themselves because they would rather you be ticked at them, than to be hurt by them. My husband knows this is hurting me therefore he just doesn't respond in hopes that I'll be mad rather than crying. Although, I do both, but I am working on my patience and it sometimes gets to me, but I come here and blow off steam and get feedback from others on here and I know that I am not alone and this is how they can be. And I start to feel better. I would look up some things on PTSD and see what it is you can do to help him. There really isn't a whole lot to do, other than letting him know you're there for him and that you care about him.

They distance themselves because they would rather you be ticked at them, than to be hurt by them. My husband knows this is hurting me therefore he just doesn't respond in hopes that I'll be mad rather than crying. Although, I do both, but I am working on my patience and it sometimes gets to me...

Oh, this so rings true to me! My ex broke it off 6 weeks ago and I haven't heard a lick from him. I tried calling a few weeks later to see how he was doing (as he broke up with me when his symptoms of PTSD were pretty severe), but when he found out it was me, he hung up. I wonder if this is true with him as well b/c I know he never meant to hurt me in all this. I'm with you in trying to have patience and letting God use this time for what it's supposed to be for. It's hard though. I know I'm not in the same place, in that we weren't married, but it's definitely still difficult when he said he wanted to marry me and I felt the same. You just feel like you're left hanging... I feel for us all. How are you holding up? Feel free to PM me anytime :)

I'm holding up pretty good. The key is to keep myself preoccupied. I don't think it matters where you are in your relationship, it still hurts no matter what. If the love was there, it hurts.

Well I just hope we all find the right path, the right thing to do for us. I think marriage means working harder at the problems, for better or worse you know. I guess I just hit my boiling point, but he really said he is going to try and get help, so i just have to trust he will do it. He says I am his best friend and it is hard not to talk with me... I guess I am just wondering if it really is PTSD or just a messed up relationship, it is hard to know!!! Really I am struggling. Good luck to everyone that is experiencing this CRAP!:arg:arg:arg

I know what you mean. Sometimes I just think its a relationship problem, but I see so much of the PTSD symptoms in him. He did finally send me a text. He said he was sorry that he hasn't kept in touch and that he's just been really busy and told me he'd make an appointment with the marriage counselor today and he'd call me later and let me know when it would be. So, I am glad he wants us both to get help.

Its weird how many "left behind" have to deal with this. U so desperately try to be there for them but it is so hard. especially when they push you away and distance themselves from you...... and it hurts but it also makes you mad. You feel kinda slighted like you have invested time and emotion into this relationship and they push you aside like you've done nothing....

Thats how they want you to feel. They want you mad at them. They'd rather give you a reason for their distance, than for them to feel bad for hurting you.

Looks like I was wrong about the PTSD and him wanting to work on his issues. He is already on match.com!! Don't date a 31 year old guy named Jason in El Paso Texas! Screen name Jrunr!

He may have made a profile, but people with PTSD cannot have normal relationships if they don't seek help for it. Trust me, if he can take his frustrations out on you, he'll do the same thing to anyone else he tries to have a relationship with.

I am going through the same thing right now. it is hard as hell we have not been together as long but are engaged, it is heartbreaking, Mine will not open up to me that is the problem he is not working, has no idea what he wants to do in life. i am asking for help to, do you cut all communication? anything you can help m,e with would be great,