My boyfriend just got back from Afghanistan in January. Things were great when he first got back, he seemed to be adjusting to life back home just fine. Our relationship was stronger than ever and we were having the time of our life... now he's stopped talking. He's based out of Missouri & I moved to California for a job, so we've been doing the whole long distance thing for now with the plans that he was going to be moving out here with me or I would move out there with him. We would visit each other as often as possible and rarely went more than a few hours without talking on the phone or texting. He was always the one to get sad or upset if I didn't call him back soon enough or if he thought I was too busy for him, which I always assured him that I wasn't and that he's my #1 priority. He always told me how much he loved me and that I was the best thing that's ever happened to him and he couldn't wait till we were together for good and could spend forever together. We had all sorts of plans for the future. The last visit he came here for about 2 weeks and we had a great time & grew even closer in our relationship. Shortly after he got back home to Missouri, he started telling me that he was having nightmares. Some of them were about what happened in Afghanistan & some of them were completely different, but the setting was always over there. I was talking to him one night before he went to work, he told me again how much he loves me & misses me, wished me sweet dreams, and said he'd call me in the morning just like he always does. That was almost 3 weeks ago... now when I call him, he sends me to voicemail, he doesn't respond to messages, I've even sent a card to his house... but nothing. Some of my friends are telling me that it could be PTSD and that he either just needs space, or that he could think he's doing me a favor by cutting me off & not involving me. Could this be possible? Or am I being naieve to think that I should keep waiting for him? I want nothing more than to be there for him, but not hearing anything from him, I have no clue what to do. Any suggestions?

Hugs! I don't know what to say. Has he spoken to you at all since then? That seems like a very fast change, not like a normal behaviour at all. Sending you hugs.

Have you talked to him at all recently? Do you know his family, have they spoken to him? It sounds like it could very well be PTSD and if it is someone needs to be checking on him. He needs help. PTSD can come up at any time, it isn't always right away. Good luck :)

I agree--you need to contact his family and find out if anyone has spoken to him.

I don't have a phone # for his family, but I did have his mom's address. I mailed her a card that she will probably receive early next week, hopefully I will receive a response from her. I'm really worried about him more than anything. My non-military friends keep telling me that he's probably found someone else and I should just forget him. But it just doesn't make sense. He always tells me that I'm the best thing that's happened to him & was getting ready to move here, I don't get why he'd make plans like that if he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me.
When the nightmares started, he was more upset by the fact that he was having them at all, he thought that he was ok with everything and didn't think he should be affected. He was kinda upset that he was having them at all. I'm worried that if he is going through ptsd, that he won't admit it & get help for it. I've considered just flying out to see him also, but don't know if that would be intruding too much. I don't want to upset him, but I don't know what to think since I haven't heard from him at all. Hopefully I will get some sort of response & clarification from him mom. Otherwise, I don't know what else to do.

Thanks for the responses

Have you talked to him at all recently? Do you know his family, have they spoken to him? It sounds like it could very well be PTSD and if it is someone needs to be checking on him. He needs help. PTSD can come up at any time, it isn't always right away. Good luck :)

And no, I haven't heard anything from him. Tomorrow it'll be 3 weeks, I've talked to him once about 2 weeks ago, and he sounded really tired & out of it, but I just assumed it was because he'd been working a lot of overtime.

I would give him time.Sometimes it takes others longer to adjust being back.Than it would for others.So maybe he is still on edge.Just let him know your there for him.:HUGS.I hope everything works out for you


My db says he is still on edge.Even though he has been home for quite sometime..My db tells me it takes some longer to adjust sometimes

I am hoping to hear from his family this week, assuming they get the card I sent. Any suggestions what I should do if I do not hear from them? Some are suggesting that I just go see him and find out once & for all what's going on. But some are telling me that might upset & I should just wait for him to come to me. Others are suggesting that if he can't take the time to contact me, I should just forget him. Which is not what I want to do. I have family members that have gone through similar situations, and if this is what he's going through, I really want to be there for him in any way I can. At the same time, if it's going to upset him more, I don't want to just show up on his doorstep. Any thoughts?

PS You are all are great, this seems like a really great site :)

Well-I suppose it depends on the situation before he left. How long had you guys been together? How far is it to where he lives? Do you know any of his friends you could contact?

Well-I suppose it depends on the situation before he left. How long had you guys been together? How far is it to where he lives? Do you know any of his friends you could contact?


Currently he is near St Louis, MO & I am in California. He was getting ready to move here within these next couple months and we had all kinds of plans. We are (or at least were, I still love him with my whole heart) completely in love and couldn't wait till we weren't so far apart. He is stationed there, but is going from active duty to reserves, so he was going to be transfering here because we couldn't stand being apart. We even talked about it in the last conversation I had with him. I was going to fly out there to help him pack & get everything tied up & then drive back out here with him. We have been together just short of a year. He's always told me, even in that last conversation that I'm the best thing he's ever had & he's never letting me go whether I like or not. lol. We talked about getting a house, getting married, having kids eventually... everything. That's why him going MIA all of the sudden just doesn't make sense to me. If it'll do some good or at least bring some clarity to the situation I'm willing to spend the time & money to fly out there to see him, but it would be a suprise to him seeing as how I can't get ahold of him. If it is PTSD, I didn't know if I would upset him by pushing the issue, or if it would do good for him to see that I'm not just bailing on him. If he needs some space while he gets through it, I understand. I just wish I even knew that much.

My boyfriend was in Iraq for about 10 months and we communicated almost daily while he was gone. He has always talked of being together, marriage all of that..But when he came home, he really went into a shell and we have struggled with it for a year now.

Contact is irregular, nothing is routine, he won't return simple correspondence most of the time -- says he has flash backs etc. I would learn about PTSD because this sounds like it or something similar..from what I know, the suffering person needs lots of space and patience. I send little notes and updates on things which my BF appreciates and he has started therapy. After a few weeks he just pops out again and then we talk more about what has been going on. A lot of time is spent being distant, trying to hide it or just being with other vets.

Learn as much as you can about PTSD because it's a psychological/physiological disorder is complex and that has to be treated and managed.

Best - K and always willing to talk

My boyfriend was in Iraq for about 10 months and we communicated almost daily while he was gone. He has always talked of being together, marriage all of that..But when he came home, he really went into a shell and we have struggled with it for a year now.

Contact is irregular, nothing is routine, he won't return simple correspondence most of the time -- says he has flash backs etc. I would learn about PTSD because this sounds like it or something similar..from what I know, the suffering person needs lots of space and patience. I send little notes and updates on things which my BF appreciates and he has started therapy. After a few weeks he just pops out again and then we talk more about what has been going on. A lot of time is spent being distant, trying to hide it or just being with other vets.

Learn as much as you can about PTSD because it's a psychological/physiological disorder is complex and that has to be treated and managed.

Best - K and always willing to talk

That sounds VERY similar to what I'm going through with him now. I just wish I would hear something from him or his family so I know what's going on. With us having a long distance relationship it's making it even harder because talking was all we had when we're apart, but now it's going on 3 1/2 weeks and I've only heard from him once. I'm still toying with the idea of just flying out to see him, but I don't want to intrude or upset him. I want to be there for him, but I don't know if it's better to just let him have his space and wait for him to come to me when he wants to talk, or if I should go out there.
I do the same thing you mentioned, sending him little messages with updates or just to tell him I'm thinking about him & love him. Sometimes I feel more like I'm dating my computer or cell phone since I don't get responses. :sigh
Maybe it would be easier if we weren't so far apart right now, I don't even know how to plan. He was making plans to move here and already had me looking at houses, so I've kind of put that on hold because I don't want to make a decision without him. That is, if he's still planning on coming here. Thanks for your response... it helps to know that I'm not the only one and other people have gone through similar situations. Makes me feel a little less crazy lol