Hey ladies...
Do your friends ever tell you to "suck it up?" :wowsers

I feel like I can't ever say how much I miss my db, unless its on here. Otherwise, I get that, "oh it can't be that bad" speech...

I feel like saying "uh... you trying dealing with it!!!!! " It gets so frustrating sometimes.. I feel like Im always having to be in an upbeat mood and never let my real emotions of this deployment show...

For example... I went to the movies with my roomate last night. They showed a preview for that show Carrier thats coming out... and instantly I felt tears starting to well up and I said something like "man I miss him" and my roomate just kinda laughed....

I dont know if its just cause they don't know what to say... but I dont know...

Sorry for the long vent/rant... just had to get it of my chest... :tears

In my experience, no one from my "real" life wants to really know how I'm doing. No one. They want the generic, "I'm fine" or "Hanging in there." No one really wants to hear how I feel, or what I'm going through. It makes me want to completely re-evaluate my friendships and relationships with people I thought would always be there for me. I try to temper that; however, with the reality that they just don't understand and probably don't know what to say or how to even go about asking. I think it makes them uncomfortable that they can't say or do anything to ease my pain, so they'd rather just not hear about it.

What they don't understand is that just having someone to open up to who will simply listen and hug you is all we really need.

Thank God for militarysos!

I only vent my true emotions about this deployment to one person and thats my dad. I think that its important to find someone whome you can really let go to about things beside your SO. Not saying that you do with your SO just saying in general. Like DH knows how I feel and he can tell my mood right away and I tell him i miss him and all of that but I never go into the depth of it unless its with my dad. Maybe there is someone who will just listen to you and wont have comments back :D I recommend everyone find that one person they can lean on :hugehug

In my experience, no one from my "real" life wants to really know how I'm doing. No one. They want the generic, "I'm fine" or "Hanging in there." No one really wants to hear how I feel, or what I'm going through. It makes me want to completely re-evaluate my friendships and relationships with people I thought would always be there for me. I try to temper that; however, with the reality that they just don't understand and probably don't know what to say or how to even go about asking. I think it makes them uncomfortable that they can't say or do anything to ease my pain, so they'd rather just not hear about it.

What they don't understand is that just having someone to open up to who will simply listen and hug you is all we really need.

Thank God for militarysos!


Yep, they have no clue, nor do they want to know.

In my experience, I dont necessarily think it's that they dont care... I think it's more that they don't know what to say and cant understand. I have friends who ask me all the time how I'm doing, and they want to know how DB is and listen when I'm upset and miss him. I don't expect them to understand what I'm going through (and many of them have told me that they don't), but I appreciate having the shoulder to cry on when I need it. If someone ever told me to "suck it up" I would probably discount them immediately as a friend.

If I need people who understand and can offer sound advice, I turn to you ladies!

That's awful! In my opinion, if your friend can't even commiserate with you and instead tells you, in essence, to suck it up and drive on then that's not much of a friend. Even if she isn't walking a mile in your shoes and can't relate fully, she should be there to support you and acknowledge your feelings.

I'm sorry your friends are being that way. Hugs to you.

No one has every said that to me....instead they never ask at all how he is and how I am dealing with it! But, I Would say to them that they are being rude! Suck it up? F that! For me, this time has been hard.....but a lot of people don't know that....but they don't have to be stupid and say shit like that! But, speak your mind to them....so you don't have to hold that anger in.....and if that person was a real friend, they would understand they hurt you, and do something to fix it!

I only vent my true emotions about this deployment to one person and thats my dad. I think that its important to find someone whome you can really let go to about things beside your SO. Not saying that you do with your SO just saying in general. Like DH knows how I feel and he can tell my mood right away and I tell him i miss him and all of that but I never go into the depth of it unless its with my dad. Maybe there is someone who will just listen to you and wont have comments back :D I recommend everyone find that one person they can lean on :hugehug

I totally agree...I have my best friend who lives 1300 miles away......I call her when I need someone to talk/bitch/vent out loud! Shes never been in my shoes, but she helps me out all the time and helps me put somethings into perspective....and it does make me feel better

i get alot of "i could NEVER do that" ... or "how DO you do it" etc, and i try not to elaborate too much... because the thing is i get enough of people explaining why i shouldnt be in a military relationship or why i shouldnt be waiting for him (that was the worst)

maybe thats the way they try to comfort you is to try to help you trivialize it so it doesnt hurt so much?

I don't think it's a matter of not caring. I think it's really hard for people who've never been through it to really relate. Plus, a lot of times people feel like they need to walk on egg shells because they aren't sure how well you're dealing with it. I think if you told them that you just need someone to listen, then they'd be more sensitive to your needs.

i get alot of "i could NEVER do that" ... or "how DO you do it" etc, and i try not to elaborate too much... because the thing is i get enough of people explaining why i shouldnt be in a military relationship or why i shouldnt be waiting for him (that was the worst)

maybe thats the way they try to comfort you is to try to help you trivialize it so it doesnt hurt so much?

yeah lately i've been getting the "i could never do what you do!"

yesterday I got a shocking "I would have cheated by now, i don't see how you do it"

haha...and then i just think...these people don't have half an ounce of the strength that us military so's have...even if i did open up to them, they wouldn't understand.

I have a military mom and my family is military so basically i call my mom/sister/ sometimes dad when I need to say how much i miss my DH or what is going on....

as far as friends from school....i don't really open up to them about alot of things, and i the most I get about me being sad on deployment is "that sucks"

i guess the most satisfying relationship other than my family is with SOS girls, because everyone can actually say "i know how you feel" AND MEAN IT...

People in civilian relationships really dont have a clue how it feels. sometimes i get the "i could never do that" and sometimes "i know how you feel, when my bf went to college in a different state it was really hard.." and that really bugs me. One time one of my "friends" actually said "its kind of annoying how you can be so depressed a lot of the time. And its even more annoying that we can't go to a movie without you running out and leaving if he calls" and i pretty much layed into her and she has never said anything remotely similar ever again. sometimes i open up and i just want a shoulder to lean on. I dont expect anyone to really get what im going though but someone to vent to would be nice.

I catch a lot of shit from my sister who was screwed over by her Navy ex b/f. Df says suck it up a lot because with my personality I need the "tough love" from him. I've got one girl who understands what's going on and what I go through and honestly I've never been more thankful for anyone in the last few months.. (L) Linds :D

If im ever upset then I do really have to suck it up or come on SOS and let it go! Haha ya'll really are the best!!

i get alot of "i could NEVER do that" ... or "how DO you do it" etc, and i try not to elaborate too much... because the thing is i get enough of people explaining why i shouldnt be in a military relationship or why i shouldnt be waiting for him (that was the worst)

maybe thats the way they try to comfort you is to try to help you trivialize it so it doesnt hurt so much?


ME TOO! My response is "what if you didn't have a choice?" It's not like any of us WANT our significant others deployed; it's just how it goes.

ME TOO! My response is "what if you didn't have a choice?" It's not like any of us WANT our significant others deployed; it's just how it goes.

the way i think about it is like i couldnt do it either, if it werent for my super awesome DB, right?

like, if we didnt have such an awesome connection/relationship i wouldnt think that this shit was worth it either. :giggle

I get that occasionally and I usually flip out. My friends have learned not to say crap like that frankly :) I don't think that anyone can give us advice when they have no clue what it's like at all. Just ignore it.

My friends say stuff like that a lot. I have just learned to brush it off. They really don't understand. I find myself starting to get annoyed with their problems that to them are life altering and to me are no big deal. I wish I could be irritated my BF didn't call me during the day. I guess your prospective just changes a little:dunno

I have a lot of trouble with this too, particularly because I'm from a pacifist family and attend a pacifist based school. People don't understand how I can maintain my beliefs and love my DB at the same time. A lot of people really don't respect my decision and so I don't have much of anyone to talk to. It's always hard when people's beliefs clash; it's really made me aware of how we make people feel. I always try to be open to everyone's emotional experience, regardless of the life choices that brought them to that place.
I know you're in a tough spot, and I feel ya. It drives my roommate insane when I talk about my DB, and sometimes she'll ask questions about his military stuff, but her eyes just kinda glaze over...well.
PM me if you ever feel lonely or just want to rant or talk to me about how much you miss him!

yes. I have a very close friend who has been in this situation (kindof). Her dh was in the Phillipines several years ago. She will come right out & say "suck it up". P*sses me off! I know she sees it as "tough love". She will tell me there are many people losing SO/dads, brothers, etc & I'm lucky to have mine even if he is far away. How's that for a friend?! I've learned not to discuss him with her.

Yep.. I understand~ I was just telling DF about that tonight.

I only vent my true emotions about this deployment to one person and thats my dad. I think that its important to find someone whome you can really let go to about things beside your SO. Not saying that you do with your SO just saying in general. Like DH knows how I feel and he can tell my mood right away and I tell him i miss him and all of that but I never go into the depth of it unless its with my dad. Maybe there is someone who will just listen to you and wont have comments back :D I recommend everyone find that one person they can lean on :hugehug

:agree and I couldn't have said it better. It's very true and I have one real person that I vent to that doesn't pretend to know what I'm going through but I never feel like I have to hold back and that's important to me.

I've never been told that by anybody, friend or not.
They're usually the ones that ask how hard it is and when he's coming back, all that stuff, I just answer their questions. My best friend's boyfriend lives in New York (When she moved from there, they stayed together) so we can kind of relate to eachother and not being able to see our guys. Other than her, I talk to my closest co-worker about it and she's really there for me about the situation. I feel like I can talk to them about anything and they won't do anything but try to understand and be there for me.

I know exactly how you feel hun! Almost all of my friends are/were like that, and so is my family. Now, I have 1 friend that I can honestly talk to about everything that I'm going through and he will just listen. He doesn't try to give advice or anything, he just listens! The rest of my friends, I either don't talk to anymore or don't talk about how I'm feeling with anything. I know that many of my friendships are suffering now because of this though, because in a true friendship, you are able to discuss your feelings and life without being criticized. I know that it isn't because they don't care, they more so just don't understand and don't know what to say to make you feel better, so maybe you could try telling them that it's ok that they don't understand, because you don't expect them to... I don't know, just a suggustion!

And there's always us here at sos!

:wow I can't believe they told you to suck it up.

That would not fly for me. :pickfight

I've been incredibly lucky and have very supportive friends. They never tell me to suck it up.

I haven't gotten that level of insensitivity, but they definitely don't understand at all. :(

OP

Until someone has had their loved one "taken away" without having a say-so in the matter with the possibility of never seeing that loved one, again, they will *never* be able to understand.

Ever.

To most people the idea of their SO leaving for a while sounds like a wonderful vacation because they're not actually thinking about it and going through it.

LOL - even I'm guilty of comparing my husband's tour away from all of us as a vacation. I was determined to think that him being deployed overseas was small pickings compared to me being pregnant with our 5th kid and alone. :giggle

I just get looked at like I'm crazy or wacked for sticking with this. :pout

I can't imagine having someone tell me to "suck it up" !
But if I weren't close friends with the person and they asked how I was, I probably wouldn't go into much detail about my feelings anyway. Though if one of my close friends ever said something like that to me, I'd definitely call them on the carpet about it!
I know that I have a couple of friends who really don't know what to say, and it's obvious, but sometimes I don't need them to say anything, just listen.

And then I found this site :) lol

I catch a lot of shit from my sister who was screwed over by her Navy ex b/f. Df says suck it up a lot because with my personality I need the "tough love" from him. I've got one girl who understands what's going on and what I go through and honestly I've never been more thankful for anyone in the last few months.. (L) Linds :D

If im ever upset then I do really have to suck it up or come on SOS and let it go! Haha ya'll really are the best!!

AWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! :hugehug

I always hear about how awful other react to comments made about missing one's SO. However, I have never had to experience that. I have never had anyone tell me to "suck it up", or that it wasn't that bad. People have always been genuinely interested in my DH, how he is, how I am. I know I might have a different experience than those who do not live in a military community, but I too was once a DG, and DF before I became a DW and even living at home as a DG I never experienced this kind of thing.

I am sorry this is happening to you, maybe you need to find a better ring of support for yourself. There are people who aren't affiliated with the military who care, and do understand. I have many friends back home, and from work who are really great people and totally understand my feelings.

Thank you everyone to your comments back.

I guess my friends just really dont understand whats going on. I went to dinner last night and my sister (of all people) goes "isn't it just like a long distance relationship" and I said "if you consider not talking to him when you want to or seeing him when you want to.. sure.."

I am glad that I found this site. You ladies are very suportive and I know that I can always come here for a shoulder to lean on.

I've even told DB about this site, and he is also glad that I found it.

So, again, ladies, YOU ROCK!!! I hope you all know how much I (and Im sure others) appreciate each of you :) :) :)

I get it all the time.
But the one that pisses me off the most is when you meet "new" people and you say "he's in Iraq". They say: Isn't it hard? dont' you miss him?
I am not kidding I have heard that like 4 times this week and I want to freak out! Duh it's hard!

One time one of my "friends" actually said "its kind of annoying how you can be so depressed a lot of the time. And its even more annoying that we can't go to a movie without you running out and leaving if he calls"

I get that from time to time and it honestly leaves me speechless. They just don't get it and I don't ever expect them to. For the most part though, they are very supportive. They would be there if I ever needed anything. The problem I have is that I'm not one to ask for help or a shoulder when I need it. Just ONE time when someone asks me how I'm doing and I say, "OK" I want someone to look me in the eyes and say "No you aren't" and just hug me and let me cry for a couple minutes. DB is one of the only people who can read me like that and I want him home safe so bad.

P.S. They also think I'm crazy for always being on here or checking my donut every couple days. What they don't know is that those two things plus contact with DB are the only things keeping me sane right now.

I agree with you guys, I feel like when they ask me how everything is going they just expect me to say fine. But it's not fine and sometimes I say I'm having a bad week and they just dont wanna hear it, even though they are the ones who asked me! And besides being away from their boyfriends for the weekend is such a HUGE deal that I don't even bother to get in to it!

i get a lot of the "how do you do it" or "why do you put yourself through that". I hate it. it makes me so angry. it's either that or i get asked how i am, but you can tell they really dont care, they just want you to say something and get over it.... i hate it. absolutly hate it.

YES! I used to get that a lot. Or my favorite is "what did you expect when you married a military man?"

well you can't expect anything...that is the only thing to expect in the military. And no matter how much you know or anticipate the situation, it never fully prepares you for the real deal.

I'm sorry you have to hear people say that. You dont' have to suck it up. it is tough. but you'll get through it. :hugs

(I could have sworn I replied to this earlier!)
Anyway, I get a look of "OK, this girl is wacked" or "Gosh, you're pathetic" when I talk about him...As if I am deluding myself about it...Maybe I am, just...don't give me the pity eyes! :pout

(I could have sworn I replied to this earlier!)
Anyway, I get a look of "OK, this girl is wacked" or "Gosh, you're pathetic" when I talk about him...As if I am deluding myself about it...Maybe I am, just...don't give me the pity eyes! :pout

I've started to notice the pity look a little bit. And sometimes I feel like they think I'm :screwy when I want to talk about him. I know he a billion miles away, but damnit, he's in my heart and my mind every hour of every day and I want to hold on to that and talk about him and remember him. And if that makes me :screwy, so be it. :dunno