LoveKiss
05-13-2008, 10:09 AM
I want to thank you ladies for the hugs and PMs and beautiful thoughts yesterday. I truly appreciate it.
Yesterday will go down as the worst day of this deployment so far, and ranks up there as one of the most emotional days of my adulthood. I will preface this by saying that I took the first pill of a new bc on Sunday night, so I think a large part of my problem is that hormone change. With that said, I spent yesterday on and off in tears. I probably cried on 6 different occasions. By last night, I was a wreck. I drank an entire bottle of cabernet. I wrote DB an e-mail that poured out my feelings, asked for support (only the 2nd time I've done that during this deployment), and stayed up late, hoping that he would be able to get online and respond.
Well, he did get on-line. He read my plea for help. And all I got back was a note saying that he was even busier than usual, but that things were going good (in DB speak this means near constant missions and they are actually starting to make some progress). He wished me well. And that was it! No support. No reassurance. No sweetness. He just brushed off the fact that I was an emotional wreck. I was devestated. I was sitting on my couch, sobbing, hyperventalating, allowing myself to go through every emotion, and basically letting it all out. I wrote him an e-mail, calling him out on his insensitivity, but I didn't send it. I need time to simmer down. I will not say something rash that I may regret later. I know better. He doesn't know it yet, but he just used his only get out of jail free card. Deployed or not, he does not have the right to ignore me when I reach out for help. It's not something I do a lot, so I expect him to man up when I do.
Today I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. I feel strangely empty, numb almost. But it's almost 10am, and I have not had the urge to cry. I'll take that as a good sign. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'll keep taking it one moment, one hour, one day at a time. And I will be stronger for it. We will be stronger for it. I just wish getting stronger didn't have to suck so much in the process. :(
Yesterday will go down as the worst day of this deployment so far, and ranks up there as one of the most emotional days of my adulthood. I will preface this by saying that I took the first pill of a new bc on Sunday night, so I think a large part of my problem is that hormone change. With that said, I spent yesterday on and off in tears. I probably cried on 6 different occasions. By last night, I was a wreck. I drank an entire bottle of cabernet. I wrote DB an e-mail that poured out my feelings, asked for support (only the 2nd time I've done that during this deployment), and stayed up late, hoping that he would be able to get online and respond.
Well, he did get on-line. He read my plea for help. And all I got back was a note saying that he was even busier than usual, but that things were going good (in DB speak this means near constant missions and they are actually starting to make some progress). He wished me well. And that was it! No support. No reassurance. No sweetness. He just brushed off the fact that I was an emotional wreck. I was devestated. I was sitting on my couch, sobbing, hyperventalating, allowing myself to go through every emotion, and basically letting it all out. I wrote him an e-mail, calling him out on his insensitivity, but I didn't send it. I need time to simmer down. I will not say something rash that I may regret later. I know better. He doesn't know it yet, but he just used his only get out of jail free card. Deployed or not, he does not have the right to ignore me when I reach out for help. It's not something I do a lot, so I expect him to man up when I do.
Today I am emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. I feel strangely empty, numb almost. But it's almost 10am, and I have not had the urge to cry. I'll take that as a good sign. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'll keep taking it one moment, one hour, one day at a time. And I will be stronger for it. We will be stronger for it. I just wish getting stronger didn't have to suck so much in the process. :(