I've shot two weddings in the last two weeks of couples who have had kids before they got married. Now, each to his/her own... but in casual conversation with one of the couples, they mentioned that they had been together and had kids before marriage because "they weren't ready for that kind of commitment..." ok... well, isn't having a kid a BIGGER commitment?


so discuss... is marriage OR kids the "bigger commitment?"

Kids are a MUCH bigger commitment than marriage.

I would think kids would be a bigger commitment...You are commited to each other for that childs lifetime, and people can get a divorce if they dont like each other.

kids are more important. I love my DH but if i was ever in a situation where I had to choose i would choose my kids.

Uhh.. yeah. Kids.

Kids are a bigger commitment. You are responsible for their well being, their lives, the whole shebang! Your kids are your kids for life... (no matter what happens between the parents)

Well when I got pregnant with #1 there wasn't a question as to whether I was keeping him. But there was question as to whether I wanted to marry the guy who impregnated me. We still hadn't made that decision when #2 came along and I am quite thankful that we never felt the need to marry. It saved me a whole lot of hassle when I finally left his dumb ass.

But I will say that yes, children are bigger commitment but to me that isn't a choice. Whereas marriage is. (so I chose other)

i wish the people who answered "marriage" would explain their answers for discussion/debate purposes!!

Kids are a bigger commitment. You are responsible for their well being, their lives, the whole shebang! Your kids are your kids for life... (no matter what happens between the parents)

:yes

Kids are a MUCH bigger commitment than marriage.

I agree!

Im going to go with kids I think. They are both pretty darn big commitments, but I have never in my life wanted a child who would grow up without a father......

I had a child before I got married (ODS is not DH's). I fell preggo to my ex and we actually broke up before I found out I was preggo (he has chosen to to be in DS' life), so for me getting married was a bigger commitment. I always has thoughts about weither DH ans DS got along, how DH would treat DS and everything else. DS at that time was the most inportant thing to me, so if things didn't work out between DH and DS then it wouldn't work out between me and DH.

Kids are a MUCH bigger commitment than marriage.


I agree

Kids hands down

Kids. MUCH MUCH BIGGER.

Marriage...IMO ... all the way!

kids

I answered marriage! I did so because you can walk away from a marriage and you can't really walk away from kids. (I realize some do but its not like half of all parents are walking away from their kids like people are from their marriages)

I think its harder to stay married to someone when it gets tough then it is to "stay" with your kids when they're being a pain.

To clarify, I am NOT saying that kids aren't a bigger responsibility. Responsibility and commitment are two different things in IMO. I am saying that a marriage requires one to stay more committed.

children are forever, marriage can end.

children...for the pure fact that you cannot reverse that choice...

i am one in the minority who said marriage. i will try to explain:

i think kids are a larger commitment individually, but it isn't neccessarily a commitment to your relationship. i know it's best to have the committment to the relationship for the upbringing of the child, but it's not 100% always neccessary. also, like it or not, children can be unplanned. but in my mind, marriage is a conscious decision made by both parties. marriage doesn't happen "by accident" (ok not counting drunken trips to Vegas). some people aren't going to believe in divorce. i just think having a child with someone doesn't mean you have to commit to that person. you do have to commit to the child, but not to the other parent.
JMO

Kids
They are yours for life.

I've shot two weddings in the last two weeks of couples who have had kids before they got married. Now, each to his/her own... but in casual conversation with one of the couples, they mentioned that they had been together and had kids before marriage because "they weren't ready for that kind of commitment..." ok... well, isn't having a kid a BIGGER commitment?


so discuss... is marriage OR kids the "bigger commitment?"


Having kids is WAY more the bigger commitment!

Maybe they meant it as, if their married they can't just up and leave each other if things aren't working? :shrug

I chose marriage. You can have children with someone and you just have to be passing civil with them. With marriage you're promising to love that person for the rest of your lives. To love only that person and be only with that person.

With children you're committing to take care of them but you don't have to stay with their other parent if you don't want to.

Marriage is a bigger commitment because it's harder to make.

i am one in the minority who said marriage. i will try to explain:

i think kids are a larger commitment individually, but it isn't neccessarily a commitment to your relationship. i know it's best to have the committment to the relationship for the upbringing of the child, but it's not 100% always neccessary. also, like it or not, children can be unplanned. but in my mind, marriage is a conscious decision made by both parties. marriage doesn't happen "by accident" (ok not counting drunken trips to Vegas). some people aren't going to believe in divorce. i just think having a child with someone doesn't mean you have to commit to that person. you do have to commit to the child, but not to the other parent.
JMO

I should have just quoted you. :tu

Sorry, I'm not following the op instructions but I'd have to say that kids are a bigger RESPONSIBILITY, and marriage is a bigger Commitment.

Been married 13 yrs, and we have a large brood together. *MY* life experience tells me this is correct.

Sorry, I'm not following the op instructions but I'd have to say that kids are a bigger RESPONSIBILITY, and marriage is a bigger Commitment.

Been married 13 yrs, and we have a large brood together. *MY* life experience tells me this is correct.

That's exactly what I meant. I'm glad someone who has experience agrees with me. I'm not married or do I have children so my opinion is purely based on how I view the two.

Kids - you can always divorce the guy if he turns out to be a douchebag.

While their both big commitments. Kids is a much bigger commitment. You can't divorce your kids.

Having kids is the bigger commitment.

You can get married, get divorced, move on if you don't like the person.

Kids they are stuck with you till the day you die.

I think that kids are a bigger commitment. That is why I'm married, but I don't have kids yet.

I'm trying to figure out why someone would think marriage is a bigger commitment. Maybe some people think that kids are just expected to happen, or maybe they have wanted kids their whole life so they don't see it as a huge commitment?

I honestly think they are about the same.

For us getting married to each other is it...there is no divorce, leaving or just being done with it. We've worked really hard to get our relationship to where it is at right now. We've had some times in our marriage that I am sure others would have probably decided it wasn't worth it. I know of people who have just gotten tired of the deployments or the lack of communication or the constant work and feeling alone that they said they were done. For us it wasn't ever going to be that......ever. When we got married we made a committment and are responsible to keeping this relationship, fresh, loving, respectful and honest between one another. Personally if you don't have a good marriage and foundation then you are doing your kids a huge disservice.

I love my children and they are right there next to my husband, but honestly I can't say that I'd put them above his needs all of the time....

I'm not just a mom, I'm a wife as well.......and when I would forget that and when HE would forget that our marriage suffered and that filtered down to the family as well.

I'm not saying this is what works for everyone nor should it work for everyone, but it is what works best for us......

I would guess that the way they were looking at it is that being married is commiting to each other but having a child is committing to the child and not so much to one another :dunno

definitly kids

I think that kids are a bigger commitment. That is why I'm married, but I don't have kids yet.

I'm trying to figure out why someone would think marriage is a bigger commitment. Maybe some people think that kids are just expected to happen, or maybe they have wanted kids their whole life so they don't see it as a huge commitment?

Well in the case of the couple Bex worked with they felt they could have children together and be civil enough and friendly enough to make that work. But they weren't sure they could commit to loving each other enough to work through difficulties that arise with marriage.

See what I mean?

children for sure! unless you're childfree.

Kids by far!

kids are for sure the bigger commitment but kids are not always planned and then people stay together to make the best of it. The marriage commitment can always be planned and thought out and IMO that is the difference:D

having children for sure

Children are a MUCH bigger committment then a marriage.

Well in the case of the couple Bex worked with they felt they could have children together and be civil enough and friendly enough to make that work. But they weren't sure they could commit to loving each other enough to work through difficulties that arise with marriage.

See what I mean?

So the decision to have kids was less important because they knew they would always love their kids, but they didn't know if they could always love each other? But that doesn't really make it less of a commitment. I'm having trouble trying to understand this because all of the couples I know that had children before marriage didn't plan for the kids.

So the decision to have kids was less important because they knew they would always love their kids, but they didn't know if they could always love each other?

Basically.

I think kids would be.

My kids most def. I have to use every ounce of me to make sure my kids are well taken care of and well loved. My kids will always be mine forever, so thats a big committment that i cannot let go. A married committment can be broken.

Ummm you can divorce your husband and have a clear conscience.
You can't do that with your children

I chose other but, now that i think about it, to have children is a bigger choice. Because marriage you can always go back on.[would suck if you had to] but once you have children they are YOURS

Kids. Definitely

i wish the people who answered "marriage" would explain their answers for discussion/debate purposes!!

:hi
That would be me.......

I hope I can make this make sense.

My marriage is forever, and he was, is, and always will be my first priority. We have four amazing children and through all their trials and tribulations, he always knew/knows that he comes first, last and always.

Our children are well-adjusted, strong, smart, beautiful women, and I am incredibly blessed to have never been in a situation where I had to choose between them or him..... maybe because he knows he's my everything.

For him, he says that knowing that he's my everything means he can table his needs so we can meet the children's immediate needs together, but in the end, it always comes back to him and me. We have both stepped aside at any given time for the good of the children, but we always knew that was temporary, and that we would always be back to him and me.

We may be wrong, but it's worked for 24 years.

Kids...lol I gave away my 1st husband willingly...:lmao With that being said...I cannot imagine my life without P:no He is my best friend:)

As a couple marriage is more of a commitment you can be committed to your child and not the child's other parent.

Although I am one of those people that think you don't need a formal marriage to be committed to each other on that level though.

:hi
That would be me.......

I hope I can make this make sense.

My marriage is forever, and he was, is, and always will be my first priority. We have four amazing children and through all their trials and tribulations, he always knew/knows that he comes first, last and always.

Our children are well-adjusted, strong, smart, beautiful women, and I am incredibly blessed to have never been in a situation where I had to choose between them or him..... maybe because he knows he's my everything.

For him, he says that knowing that he's my everything means he can table his needs so we can meet the children's immediate needs together, but in the end, it always comes back to him and me. We have both stepped aside at any given time for the good of the children, but we always knew that was temporary, and that we would always be back to him and me.

We may be wrong, but it's worked for 24 years.


I love how that sounds. I only wish my marriage to Tony (when we do get married) is something like that.

children... they're yours for life, and you're bound to that other parent for life.
a marriage can be severed, and if you don't have kids, you never have to see or talk to that person again.

I voted marriage. To me marriage is a bigger commitment to keep a marriage going. They take work regardless. There is always an easy out of divorce. It's automatic to me to be into raising and having your kids for the long haul and it is always a priority to be there for your kids. Granted there are always exceptions this is my opinion.

having children together is a bigger commitment than marriage

what sparked me to ask this was that my nephew's mom (who is not married to my brother) is pregnant.... and she said that they aren't going to get married for awhile because they've "only known each other 7 months" which got me thinking....

Having kids!

You can walk away from a failed marriage, but not from your child.

While their both big commitments. Kids is a much bigger commitment. You can't divorce your kids.

no you can't but they can "divorce" you....weird really..

i'm an other...in terms of keeping a couple together, i think their both even, neither kids nor marriage is a guarantee you'll stay together.

Kids are a MUCH bigger commitment than marriage.

kids are more important. I love my DH but if i was ever in a situation where I had to choose i would choose my kids.

Kids are a bigger commitment. You are responsible for their well being, their lives, the whole shebang! Your kids are your kids for life... (no matter what happens between the parents)

children are forever, marriage can end.

children for sure! unless you're childfree.
:agree with all these points.

Kids are the biggest commitment, as evidenced by my sister who got a divorce, but maintains joint custody with her ex. If they didn't have kids, they could walk away and never talk to each other ever again... now they talk all the time (which sucks, since they don't get along) over the kids. They are tied together for life because of that.