I'm sorry...

I'm sorry that some of you feel hopeless talking to me. I'm sorry that you feel some of the ways you do about me. I'm frustrated. Yes, there are times where I don't want to hear what people have to say to me. Everything you guys are telling me "You need counseling, you blah blah blah blah" I KNOW this. I'm working at this the best way I know how.. slowly and at my own pace.

Yes, I've been through a lot in 5 months. Yes, I realize I've not responded rationally to some of the things people have said to me. I understand that and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've come off as a bitch. I'm working through emotions the best way I know how. Don't feel bad because I've come off as a bitch to my own mother and she's even told me that to my face.

I told Loretta that I know you guys are sick of me throwing "well if you've been through it" in your face. I understand that. But those of you that have been through it (whether its husband, parent, etc etc) I'd love to know how you deal with it. I'd love to know that there are people on THIS SITE that have been through it. Then I'd better understand the situation I'm in. I'd know there are people out there that know how it feels and then when I post something I'd know "Okay well so and so has been through it." I feel alone in this new world of mine. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. Yes, I could go to a grief counseling meeting but that's not me. I don't do well in big groups (hence the widow message board has been awesome).

I'm slowly making progress with this "new life." I've conquered so much in 5 months I've even shocked myself. I didn't think I'd be going back to school in the fall. When this first happened the thought of getting my Bachelors Degree just made me laugh. I was like "Yeah right like I'll be able to focus on college." Now I'm doing it because I need to do something for me. I need something to focus on.

I bought a new car. Something I NEVER thought I'd do let alone get behind the wheel of it and drive it. Yes I've only put 15 miles on since I drove it but that's 15 miles that I never thought I'd drive... EVER AGAIN.. I wish some of you could of seen the look of accomplishment on my face when I came home from Jack in the Box the other day. I came in the house, threw my keys down on the coffee table and said to my mom "OMG I DID IT!" She laughed came up to me, gave me a hug, and I just cried.. not sad tears but tears of "OMG I accomplished it. I got over that fear and that hurdle."

I finally admitted to myself I need counseling. Thank you Bex for helping me through that. You honestly have been a huge help and yes I posted this here so people could see that you guys are helping me. I have yet to work up the nerve to call but like I explained to Loretta in a PM "Its a scary/omg/wow moment for me when I go to pick up that phone to make that phone call."

Okay **goes back and reads thread, no bitching, no whining, no cussing**

Okay **holds breathe** and hits SUBMIT THREAD button..

I just want to give you some more :hugs and :goodvibes :goodvibes

Most people aren't going to understand what you're going through, and it IS a long, bumpy process...grief always is. I do know it means a lot to us and more ot yourself that you just posted that, and I am really, really proud of you and glad you did. I hope it helps you feel a little more calm.

:hugehug

You know I am here for you. I understand the phone call thing too. I have yet to do it. I am a "problem fixer". I hate (no matter what it is) asking for help in any kind of way.

That was well said, Kristina!

i dont know if i can really help i lost my best friend and my cousin in the same yearoth to leukemia...i hated everyone and everything. i even lost my faith ebcause i wasnt sure how I could beleive in something that took these people away from me. that was 8 years ago and im still grieving. i found out two nights ago my little sisters best friend was diagnosed with leukemia and was told if the chemo doesnt work she wont make it through the summer. i was at a loss and ive gone back into a hole. i never got over the loss of ym best friend and my cousin and i dont know if i ever will its been 8 years and i still want to call them every time something good happens and they arent there. everyone grieves differently i cry ALOT all the time. i can be in the middle of class and something will just hit me and ill cry its the silliest thing. so all i can honestly do is offer you :hugs and tell yuo that i feel BETTER when i cry :dunno

I just want to give you some more :hugs and :goodvibes :goodvibes

Most people aren't going to understand what you're going through, and it IS a long, bumpy process...grief always is. I do know it means a lot to us and more ot yourself that you just posted that, and I am really, really proud of you and glad you did. I hope it helps you feel a little more calm.

:hugehug

:agree :hugehug

I don't think you need to be sorry for anything :hugs

You know I am here for you. I understand the phone call thing too. I have yet to do it. I am a "problem fixer". I hate (no matter what it is) asking for help in any kind of way.

Donna,

I'm the same way.. I waited so long to do this because I figured this was something I could "fix" myself but the reality now is I can't... I have to ask for help as much as I don't want to.

:hugehug

I know lots of hopeless cases and you are not one.

:bigsadhug
I am truly sorry for all that you have been through and all that you are going through now. I honestly wish you nothing but the best. Making that call will be a big and scary step for you - you can do it!

I'll admit it, I thought you were being a completely irrational bitch when you first came on here posting about how much you missed your family and then about how much you liked Mike... and then posting about the engagement rings he was looking at, etc etc. I thought you were completely dishonoring the memory of your husband and daughter and rushing into a trainwreck without thinking. I couldn't believe that you were yelling at us for trying to give advice when we just wanted to help you and gain some understanding as to your choices. It was confusing. And people (myself included) were insulted by your constant berating that we "didn't understand" because so many of us do!!

HOWEVER

I think you've come a long way, lately. And that you're rationlizing things far better. And making progress!! Onward and upward!!

It'll take time, we're all aware..and we're here.

:hugehug :hug

i dont know if i can really help i lost my best friend and my cousin in the same yearoth to leukemia...i hated everyone and everything. i even lost my faith ebcause i wasnt sure how I could beleive in something that took these people away from me. that was 8 years ago and im still grieving. i found out two nights ago my little sisters best friend was diagnosed with leukemia and was told if the chemo doesnt work she wont make it through the summer. i was at a loss and ive gone back into a hole. i never got over the loss of ym best friend and my cousin and i dont know if i ever will its been 8 years and i still want to call them every time something good happens and they arent there. everyone grieves differently i cry ALOT all the time. i can be in the middle of class and something will just hit me and ill cry its the silliest thing. so all i can honestly do is offer you :hugs and tell yuo that i feel BETTER when i cry :dunno


Thank you for posting this if I could kiss you I would. I don't cry every day. I've cried today well just because I'm just emotional and I'm finally dealing with some of this inner turmoil.

I agree with you. I feel better after I cry even if its just when i shed a single tear. I broke down the other night (don't remember what happened or why) and I went to bed. I laid there and it felt like Josh was lying right beside me and I drifted off to sleep. I have times where it feels great to cry and then times where its like "Okay enough already I've already flooded the Atlantic Ocean.."

I'll admit it, I thought you were being a completely irrational bitch when you first came on here posting about how much you missed your family and then about how much you liked Mike... and then posting about the engagement rings he was looking at, etc etc. I thought you were completely dishonoring the memory of your husband and daughter and rushing into a trainwreck without thinking. I couldn't believe that you were yelling at us for trying to give advice when we just wanted to help you and gain some understanding as to your choices. It was confusing. And people (myself included) were insulted by your constant berating that we "didn't understand" because so many of us do!!

HOWEVER

I think you've come a long way, lately. And that you're rationlizing things far better. And making progress!! Onward and upward!!

It'll take time, we're all aware..and we're here.

:hugehug :hug

Well then we have a mutal understanding of one another hon... I told you the same thing in a PM :lol...

Thank you for posting this if I could kiss you I would. I don't cry every day. I've cried today well just because I'm just emotional and I'm finally dealing with some of this inner turmoil.

I agree with you. I feel better after I cry even if its just when i shed a single tear. I broke down the other night (don't remember what happened or why) and I went to bed. I laid there and it felt like Josh was lying right beside me and I drifted off to sleep. I have times where it feels great to cry and then times where its like "Okay enough already I've already flooded the Atlantic Ocean.."


trust me i know how that feels lol. its hard for me to REALLY really trust people because two people i loved anc cared for and trusted were taken away from me without hardly any notice. i have issues being alone as alot of people around ehre will vouch for lol. because i SO afraid ill wake up tommorow and someone else will be gone. loosing someone i think makes you irrational and feel weak when really getting through it and living is in all actuality very strong. its hard for me to see. i feel like the last week ive been falling apart but at the same time i get up i go to work i go to school i get out and i survive. and thats strength whether we cans ee it or not. its hard and if i never loose another friend or loved one it will be too soon. i dont know exactly how you feel but i can kind of relate. i think all the emotions you feel are completely normal i swear i was angry one day bawling the next and the next day i felt like everything was ok.

I'll admit it, I thought you were being a completely irrational bitch when you first came on here posting about how much you missed your family and then about how much you liked Mike... and then posting about the engagement rings he was looking at, etc etc. I thought you were completely dishonoring the memory of your husband and daughter and rushing into a trainwreck without thinking. I couldn't believe that you were yelling at us for trying to give advice when we just wanted to help you and gain some understanding as to your choices. It was confusing. And people (myself included) were insulted by your constant berating that we "didn't understand" because so many of us do!!

HOWEVER

I think you've come a long way, lately. And that you're rationlizing things far better. And making progress!! Onward and upward!!

It'll take time, we're all aware..and we're here.

:hugehug :hug

Very well said, Bex. ITA

trust me i know how that feels lol. its hard for me to REALLY really trust people because two people i loved anc cared for and trusted were taken away from me without hardly any notice. i have issues being alone as alot of people around ehre will vouch for lol. because i SO afraid ill wake up tommorow and someone else will be gone. loosing someone i think makes you irrational and feel weak when really getting through it and living is in all actuality very strong. its hard for me to see. i feel like the last week ive been falling apart but at the same time i get up i go to work i go to school i get out and i survive. and thats strength whether we cans ee it or not. its hard and if i never loose another friend or loved one it will be too soon. i dont know exactly how you feel but i can kind of relate. i think all the emotions you feel are completely normal i swear i was angry one day bawling the next and the next day i felt like everything was ok.


Yep I wake up every morning and within an hour can tell if its going to be a good day, a bad day, or a stay the heck away from me day..

Like I said earlier Kristina you are making steps in the right directions! Im proud of you!!!

Thank you for suggesting to me to post this Bex... I already am starting to feel better.. :hugehug

Thank you for helping me (yes even when I came off as a bitch :lol)..

okay siggy is changed.. (sort of)..

:hugehug

Kristina,

Honestly, I am proud of the accomplishments that you have shown in the last little bit of time. I have had problems with you, and Ive mentioned them in PMs. I am glad you are on the right track of getting your life together. I understand the feeling of feeling like your life has ended, and not knowing if you will ever get it back. I'm currently dealing with my own personal issues right now which is why when I see some of the things you write, it hits me stronger than it normally would. I haven't lost a husband or a child. Funny enough I have never been able to hold a child for that matter. Not sure if it means anything to anyone else, but TO ME not being able to hold a child and wanting one so bad, is just as bad a losing one. I don't wanna get all brainy on you or anything, but mentally that's how I think. So when someone tells me, "you're not a mother or you don't have kids so you wouldn't know", "until you've been in my shoes..." it hits me like a ton of bricks. So yes, I know what you must be feeling. No one can know anothers emotions, but that doesn't mean they don't understand.

*goes back and reads post again*

I think you said you would like an example or something of someone who "knows what you are going through". If you don't mind, I'd like to share something with you.

When I was 15, I met this guy named Brian. He was older than me, so nothing could happen, but we made out and such. Nothing more than that but I was smitten. When I was 17 I ended up running away from home(due to my stepmom) and got married to another guy who was able to be with me. (if that makes sense). The last time I saw Brian, I told him I was married. He wished me luck, and kissed me on my cheek and gave me a hug. 2yrs later, I was divorced and living away from home. I got a phone call from my birth mother(which was suprising cause she NEVER calls me). She told me, "Sarah, I have news for you, you need to sit down." She then told me that Brian was shot and killed. My heart dropped and I was devestated(sp?). Although I am VERY happy in my marriage to my husband now. I wouldn't for anything wish to not be with my husband. But there's always a part of me that feels empty. Feels that what would have happened if I would have said, screw what my parents think. And just went with it with Brian? What would my life me like now?

I am currently in therapy due to my birth mom and her abandonment of me my whole life. I have yet to address the issue about Brian. I don't know where to start. I do feel your pain on the therapy. My biggest concern before I started going was, holy crap! I'm freakin crazy for needing help like that. It brought me down before it brought me up.

I'll admit you are a strong woman. I hope the best for you in your life, and that you can get things straight. I know things take time. I won't apoligize for anything I've said, because I don't think apologies in either of our cases is nessary.

Sorry for rambling...

*hugs*

Dont keep saying you are sorry for anything unless they have been through it people dont know You are and incredibly strong woman keep up the great progress I am here for you if you need anything!

Feel very proud of yourself for taking resposibility for your words! You are making huge progress!

Thank you for suggesting to me to post this Bex... I already am starting to feel better.. :hugehug

Thank you for helping me (yes even when I came off as a bitch :lol)..


You're welcome. The truth hurts sometimes, but it's best when we conquer it and open up about it. I've found that self disclosure is oftentimes the best outlet/therapy.

You're making great progress!!!


and I'm glad we have an understanding :wink about things :D

Dont keep saying you are sorry for anything unless they have been through it people dont know You are and incredibly strong woman keep up the great progress I am here for you if you need anything!

seriously this is what pisses people off. but whatever.

Kristina, I said my peace above. I wish you the best. Seriously!

Kristina,

Honestly, I am proud of the accomplishments that you have shown in the last little bit of time. I have had problems with you, and Ive mentioned them in PMs. I am glad you are on the right track of getting your life together. I understand the feeling of feeling like your life has ended, and not knowing if you will ever get it back. I'm currently dealing with my own personal issues right now which is why when I see some of the things you write, it hits me stronger than it normally would. I haven't lost a husband or a child. Funny enough I have never been able to hold a child for that matter. Not sure if it means anything to anyone else, but TO ME not being able to hold a child and wanting one so bad, is just as bad a losing one. I don't wanna get all brainy on you or anything, but mentally that's how I think. So when someone tells me, "you're not a mother or you don't have kids so you wouldn't know", "until you've been in my shoes..." it hits me like a ton of bricks. So yes, I know what you must be feeling. No one can know anothers emotions, but that doesn't mean they don't understand.

*goes back and reads post again*

I think you said you would like an example or something of someone who "knows what you are going through". If you don't mind, I'd like to share something with you.

When I was 15, I met this guy named Brian. He was older than me, so nothing could happen, but we made out and such. Nothing more than that but I was smitten. When I was 17 I ended up running away from home(due to my stepmom) and got married to another guy who was able to be with me. (if that makes sense). The last time I saw Brian, I told him I was married. He wished me luck, and kissed me on my cheek and gave me a hug. 2yrs later, I was divorced and living away from home. I got a phone call from my birth mother(which was suprising cause she NEVER calls me). She told me, "Sarah, I have news for you, you need to sit down." She then told me that Brian was shot and killed. My heart dropped and I was devestated(sp?). Although I am VERY happy in my marriage to my husband now. I wouldn't for anything wish to not be with my husband. But there's always a part of me that feels empty. Feels that what would have happened if I would have said, screw what my parents think. And just went with it with Brian? What would my life me like now?

I am currently in therapy due to my birth mom and her abandonment of me my whole life. I have yet to address the issue about Brian. I don't know where to start. I do feel your pain on the therapy. My biggest concern before I started going was, holy crap! I'm freakin crazy for needing help like that. It brought me down before it brought me up.

I'll admit you are a strong woman. I hope the best for you in your life, and that you can get things straight. I know things take time. I won't apoligize for anything I've said, because I don't think apologies in either of our cases is nessary.

Sorry for rambling...

*hugs*

Thank you for sharing that with me.. :hugehug It means more then you know.. I don't feel so out of place anymore..

When I was in high school my BF of 3 years was in a car wreck and died. He was on his way to my house to pick me up so we could go to pizza hut and eat. For years I felt like it was my fault. Because he was coming to get me. It took me a long time to get over that feeling. I still miss him everyday and a part of my heart will always be his. He was my first love.

When I was pregnant with my son they told me at my ultrasound there was 2 babies. I wa terrified and excited. At around 4 months of pregnancy I started bleeding badly. At 4 and a hlaf months along I lost my little girl. My son was on top of her and for some reason she died. I had to give birth to a dead baby.

While I may not be walking in your shoes I have walked the same path. And my hurt is no less than your hurt. I have never told anyone those 2 stories I posted up there. I may not have been handed a folded flag but I have been handed a tiny baby who never had a chance. I have cried next to an open grave where the love of MY life was laying in the fucking dirt. You are not the only one here that has hurt. I still think about my daughter all the time. The pain is less now but its still there. I hope you find the strength to call that counsler and talk about what you have going on inside. Its a big step but is a necessary one. I wish you luck.:hugs

You take it day by day. You talk to friends, a counselor. Don't be afraid to cry.Talk about them. Remember, even thought it hurts, there is a reason you are here. Embrace life and live. That is the greatest legacy you can give your family; that you may move forward but they are with you every step of the way.

Asking for help is really hard to do. So, I give you a hug and a pat on the back. CONGRATS :)

I just am now seeing this. Thank you posting this.

i love you girl! :hugs

I got lucky, I guess. I didn't lose him.

I've been through the fear of driving though. I got into a car accident before Aron and I got married, and my door came off the van I was riding in. They said I reached out for something to hold on to, and what I found was the big inside handle of the door. The seatbelt cut into my neck, almost tore open my trachia, but it was the only thing that held me in the car, and thus, alive. They had to remove my shirt from my neck in the hospital. To this day, I have scars, and my stomach looks extra fat, because there's a scar right through the bottom of it, where it just looks dented. If you look, you can even see where the plastic part of the seatbelt was, because that's the only place without a scar across my stomach, and then of course there's the one in my neck.

I still to this day can't sit behind the driver of a vehicle. I couldn't drive for almost 6 months. When I did, I drove fast and wrecklessly, because the two car accidents I've been in both almost cost me my husband, and both were while the car was going below the speed limit. I figured if I drove like a bat out of hell and got there as quickly as I could, I'd miss the accidents by a split second. I still have a hard time not speeding, because of that reason. The only reason I stopped was because a cop caught me going almost 110 mph in a 70 zone, without my insurance card with me. I spent a day in jail for driving without insurance, and it took me 8 months to get my liscense back, because I was afraid to drive again.

Since then, I have the most awful nightmares about DH dying. He's always, ALWAYS, cut, by someone, across the lap and across his chest, the same way the seatbelt cut me in that accident. I always, ALWAYS, wake up JUST AFTER I see the light go out of his eyes. I have panic attacks all the time. I stop breathing in my sleep sometimes out of fear, and I've attacked two people, my brother and DH, while they were trying to wake me up.

I'm really proud of you for coming out and saying the things you have, lately. I've been taken the wrong way, trying to offer you advice, like some other people, so I've shied away from you almost completely, but I'm still here if you need me. I don't know what it's like, losing your husband, but I know the gripping fear that I can't get over in my dreams, and it's only a dream. I've woken up and howled for hours while he was at work, though, imagining the rest of my life without him, sure he was dead. I still obsessively google car accidents in Minot when I know he's driving and at the mercy of how tired other airmen claim to be, if he's not driving. Like it's going to tell me before the military does if something happens to him.

I don't know how to close this. I know nothing I've been through is the same, but there are similar parts, and I'm willing to listen, and always willing to help, if I can.

When I was in high school my BF of 3 years was in a car wreck and died. He was on his way to my house to pick me up so we could go to pizza hut and eat. For years I felt like it was my fault. Because he was coming to get me. It took me a long time to get over that feeling. I still miss him everyday and a part of my heart will always be his. He was my first love.

When I was pregnant with my son they told me at my ultrasound there was 2 babies. I wa terrified and excited. At around 4 months of pregnancy I started bleeding badly. At 4 and a hlaf months along I lost my little girl. My son was on top of her and for some reason she died. I had to give birth to a dead baby.

While I may not be walking in your shoes I have walked the same path. And my hurt is no less than your hurt. I have never told anyone those 2 stories I posted up there. I may not have been handed a folded flag but I have been handed a tiny baby who never had a chance. I have cried next to an open grave where the love of MY life was laying in the fucking dirt. You are not the only one here that has hurt. I still think about my daughter all the time. The pain is less now but its still there. I hope you find the strength to call that counsler and talk about what you have going on inside. Its a big step but is a necessary one. I wish you luck.:hugs

Thank you for sharing that.. :hugehug. I had a friend who gave birth to a still born at 20 weeks and she had to go through the pain of burying it. I wasn't there when it happened but I felt so bad for her. We both in a matter of 6 months both lost our children.

i love you girl! :hugs

Thanks Erin :hugehug

Thank you for sharing that.. :hugehug. I had a friend who gave birth to a still born at 20 weeks and she had to go through the pain of burying it. I wasn't there when it happened but I felt so bad for her. We both in a matter of 6 months both lost our children.

I wish I had the option to bury my baby. I got to spend a few hours with her then they took her away. I dont know what happened to her. I dont have a birth certificate. I wish I had a grave to go visit.

I got lucky, I guess. I didn't lose him.

I've been through the fear of driving though. I got into a car accident before Aron and I got married, and my door came off the van I was riding in. They said I reached out for something to hold on to, and what I found was the big inside handle of the door. The seatbelt cut into my neck, almost tore open my trachia, but it was the only thing that held me in the car, and thus, alive. They had to remove my shirt from my neck in the hospital. To this day, I have scars, and my stomach looks extra fat, because there's a scar right through the bottom of it, where it just looks dented. If you look, you can even see where the plastic part of the seatbelt was, because that's the only place without a scar across my stomach, and then of course there's the one in my neck.

I still to this day can't sit behind the driver of a vehicle. I couldn't drive for almost 6 months. When I did, I drove fast and wrecklessly, because the two car accidents I've been in both almost cost me my husband, and both were while the car was going below the speed limit. I figured if I drove like a bat out of hell and got there as quickly as I could, I'd miss the accidents by a split second. I still have a hard time not speeding, because of that reason. The only reason I stopped was because a cop caught me going almost 110 mph in a 70 zone, without my insurance card with me. I spent a day in jail for driving without insurance, and it took me 8 months to get my liscense back, because I was afraid to drive again.

Since then, I have the most awful nightmares about DH dying. He's always, ALWAYS, cut, by someone, across the lap and across his chest, the same way the seatbelt cut me in that accident. I always, ALWAYS, wake up JUST AFTER I see the light go out of his eyes. I have panic attacks all the time. I stop breathing in my sleep sometimes out of fear, and I've attacked two people, my brother and DH, while they were trying to wake me up.

I'm really proud of you for coming out and saying the things you have, lately. I've been taken the wrong way, trying to offer you advice, like some other people, so I've shied away from you almost completely, but I'm still here if you need me. I don't know what it's like, losing your husband, but I know the gripping fear that I can't get over in my dreams, and it's only a dream. I've woken up and howled for hours while he was at work, though, imagining the rest of my life without him, sure he was dead. I still obsessively google car accidents in Minot when I know he's driving and at the mercy of how tired other airmen claim to be, if he's not driving. Like it's going to tell me before the military does if something happens to him.

I don't know how to close this. I know nothing I've been through is the same, but there are similar parts, and I'm willing to listen, and always willing to help, if I can.

Telling me that story helps.. :hugehug

I don't remember what happened that night. All I know is what family told me. The seat belt like in your story was what saved me. It wound up cutting the artery between my liver and kidney and I lost 3 liters of blood BUT if I hadn't of been wearing it I'd more then likely would of been buried with my husband and daughter.

I had that fear for the longest time of driving. Hell. I was afraid to even GET IN a car. I remember the first time we went to the cementary to see Josh and Maddie. We were on our way back and we were in traffic. For whatever reason my mom had to slam on her brakes and I about had a heart attack. She threw out her arm in front of me (knee jerk reaction) and then looked at me and asked me if I was okay. She told me I was 3 shades of white.

I'm driving more and more each day (like the Wal-Mart post I made). I try to get out every day and drive even if its just around my neighborhood. I know if I don't at least do this I'll live in fear of driving for the rest of my life and well driving is a necessity. I can't rely on my family always to be my chauffer. I want the independance back.

Telling me that story helps.. :hugehug

I don't remember what happened that night. All I know is what family told me. The seat belt like in your story was what saved me. It wound up cutting the artery between my liver and kidney and I lost 3 liters of blood BUT if I hadn't of been wearing it I'd more then likely would of been buried with my husband and daughter.

I had that fear for the longest time of driving. Hell. I was afraid to even GET IN a car. I remember the first time we went to the cementary to see Josh and Maddie. We were on our way back and we were in traffic. For whatever reason my mom had to slam on her brakes and I about had a heart attack. She threw out her arm in front of me (knee jerk reaction) and then looked at me and asked me if I was okay. She told me I was 3 shades of white.

I'm driving more and more each day (like the Wal-Mart post I made). I try to get out every day and drive even if its just around my neighborhood. I know if I don't at least do this I'll live in fear of driving for the rest of my life and well driving is a necessity. I can't rely on my family always to be my chauffer. I want the independance back.

I still can't go down the road that I almost died on. I'll take any other route. The ground is still changed from that accident, and it's been 2 years.

It will be hard in rain, and hard when you first fishtail or hydroplane and you think you're losing control.

Be thankful you don't remember though. Memories are a bitch.

You take it day by day. You talk to friends, a counselor. Don't be afraid to cry.Talk about them. Remember, even thought it hurts, there is a reason you are here. Embrace life and live. That is the greatest legacy you can give your family; that you may move forward but they are with you every step of the way.


People told me that constantly after the funeral and it got annoying. You are the first person in probably months that has said that to me and I've not gotten angry (not at the person or you its just something I don't like hearing just like the "Oh your so strong" statement). I have yet to truly find out why I'm here. There are days where I wish I wasn't and that I was buried right along with them. There are days where I wish I would of just died in that car. Those are my REALLY bad days. Those are the days where I cry all day. Those are the days I don't talk to anyone and I shut everyone out. I'm finally accepting the whole "Your here for a reason". I may not always believe it but I'm trying.

I still can't go down the road that I almost died on. I'll take any other route. The ground is still changed from that accident, and it's been 2 years.

It will be hard in rain, and hard when you first fishtail or hydroplane and you think you're losing control.

Be thankful you don't remember though. Memories are a bitch.

That is my HUGE goal in driving. To drive out to my dad's house in Keller. The catch??? I'd have to drive by right where they were killed. :tears

I remember my stepmom taking me down there about 2 months after everything happened and we drove by real slow so she could show me. You couldn't really tell that anything had happened. It was out in the country on a two lane country roadway so honestly I don't know if I'd recognize it if I saw it. Its not really marked or anything. Meaning its not by like a major intersection or something that would make it stick out. I think just going through that TOWN will be hard because even though I won't necessarily remember where it happened EXACTLY I know it happened in that town.

I hope that made sense..

People told me that constantly after the funeral and it got annoying. You are the first person in probably months that has said that to me and I've not gotten angry (not at the person or you its just something I don't like hearing just like the "Oh your so strong" statement). I have yet to truly find out why I'm here. There are days where I wish I wasn't and that I was buried right along with them. There are days where I wish I would of just died in that car. Those are my REALLY bad days. Those are the days where I cry all day. Those are the days I don't talk to anyone and I shut everyone out. I'm finally accepting the whole "Your here for a reason". I may not always believe it but I'm trying.

13 years and I still don't know why he didn't kill me when he killed them.Maybe because I was awake and I fought back and he wasn't man enough to see the fear in my eyes. I dont know.I hold on to the hope that my children will be great and I was spared to be their mother cause I sure havent found the cure to the cancer or anything. You can bless people in many ways that you may not know now or years from now.One of my friends said he went into the ministery because if I didn't break then there really must be a God in his eyes. It does get annoying I know.I do what I do to survive, its the only option. I refuse to let one man win and you can't let that drunk driver win either.

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this.

13 years and I still don't know why he didn't kill me when he killed them.Maybe because I was awake and I fought back and he wasn't man enough to see the fear in my eyes. I dont know.I hold on to the hope that my children will be great and I was spared to be their mother cause I sure havent found the cure to the cancer or anything. You can bless people in many ways that you may not know now or years from now.One of my friends said he went into the ministery because if I didn't break then there really must be a God in his eyes. It does get annoying I know.I do what I do to survive, its the only option. I refuse to let one man win and you can't let that drunk driver win either.

Your absolutely right..

i like most here would like to share my loss with you kristina.

24 yrs ago i lived a life of absolute turmoil. my mother beat me on a regular basis and berated me constantly reminding me i should not have been born alive because she had an abortion. my aunt was always there for me the person i called when things got to violent at home, or i needed someone to be my mother and not my persecutor or punisher. when i was 15 i called her and begged her to come and get me and allow me to live with her. i was covered head to toe with bruises and i was sick of everything, and had even contemplated suicide. she agreed because she was going to be down to pick up her youngest from her fathers house to live with her as well. i was excited. i cleaned and cleaned and tiptoed around my mother until the saturday that she called and said she was on her way. it was a 2 hour drive and my mother began yelling for us to get the house done. after 4 hours we were really worried. then my cousin called and my mother started screaming and crying and i felt like my entire world was being ripped right out from under me. my savior had died in a car accident that day. life for me was extremely rough for a long while and i rarely talk about that day because it is just to hard even after all this time to relive. i grieved silently, the next time i got a severe beating from my mother i called my aunts old number before i remembered she was no longer there. i turned my mother in and cps was really different back then.

grief does strange things to you i moved to my uncles house and for a long time i screamed why me in my head. i did not talk about her and even pretended she never existed. it took me a long while and a lot of therapy to get through my grief .

my whole point is that this is definately a step in the right direction and while i cannot say i have felt what you have to the degree you have i can say i have hurt and that i am here for you for a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, anything that i can be i will be there for you.

thank you for the apology and i will continue thinking about you. hugs !

sorry hun but im here

i like most here would like to share my loss with you kristina.

24 yrs ago i lived a life of absolute turmoil. my mother beat me on a regular basis and berated me constantly reminding me i should not have been born alive because she had an abortion. my aunt was always there for me the person i called when things got to violent at home, or i needed someone to be my mother and not my persecutor or punisher. when i was 15 i called her and begged her to come and get me and allow me to live with her. i was covered head to toe with bruises and i was sick of everything, and had even contemplated suicide. she agreed because she was going to be down to pick up her youngest from her fathers house to live with her as well. i was excited. i cleaned and cleaned and tiptoed around my mother until the saturday that she called and said she was on her way. it was a 2 hour drive and my mother began yelling for us to get the house done. after 4 hours we were really worried. then my cousin called and my mother started screaming and crying and i felt like my entire world was being ripped right out from under me. my savior had died in a car accident that day. life for me was extremely rough for a long while and i rarely talk about that day because it is just to hard even after all this time to relive. i grieved silently, the next time i got a severe beating from my mother i called my aunts old number before i remembered she was no longer there. i turned my mother in and cps was really different back then.

grief does strange things to you i moved to my uncles house and for a long time i screamed why me in my head. i did not talk about her and even pretended she never existed. it took me a long while and a lot of therapy to get through my grief .

my whole point is that this is definately a step in the right direction and while i cannot say i have felt what you have to the degree you have i can say i have hurt and that i am here for you for a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, anything that i can be i will be there for you.

thank you for the apology and i will continue thinking about you. hugs !


Thank you for sharing that with me.. :hugehug

I have never been through something like what you have been through, and I would never give advice or act like I understand...cause there are just some things I can't understand till I've been there. But know that you have my full support and you are in my prayers. God bless you hon.

I don't want to share what I've been through on the open board forum, but i wanted to give you some :hugs