So basically I'm half way through a deployment and I've recently learned that my SO, whom I'm engaged to, has been having secret conversations with other girls behind my back. Right before he left for pre-deployment training he received inappropriate photographs emailed to him from a girl back home. This was around Thanksgiving.

Recently i found a conversation between him and an ex in his gchat discussing him wanting to have sex with her. This conversation prompted me to go snooping, hence I found the email address filled with pictures. Keep in mind these are two different girls.

Come to find out after some more investigating, that when he was home over Thanksgiving he called the gchat girl twice.

I'm pretty much a wreck, don't know what to think, and have no idea what to do. Do I break off the engagement, wait till he gets home, etc? I've already confronted him with everything except the phone records, which I just found out about today. He's explained everything else as pranks going on with the other guys b/c they are bored. And the pictures - which happened before the deployment, as trying to help out a military friend who was going through a divorce.

We've been together for 5 years and when we first started dated he slept with an ex girlfriend, but until now there hasn't been anything else too suspicious. I'm at a complete loss on what to do.

Please help!!

follow your heart, that is the best advice I can give you.

Have you tried confronting him yet?

I figured out recently to trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right then it probably isn't.

He has issues. Get counseling or break up. You deserve better.

Whoa

He's explained everything else as pranks going on with the other guys b/c they are bored. And the pictures - which happened before the deployment, as trying to help out a military friend who was going through a divorce.




Yea, i dated a guy once who tried to get into one of my good friends pants. She and I were at that moment in a HUGE fight and from the looks of it, were never going to be friends again. We had been fighting for weeks. I owed her like $150 and at the moment couldn't afford to pay her back so we got into a huge argument.

ex-DB emailed her on myspace and offered to pay her so that i would be free of that debt. she kept it very short and impersonal. he kept going into detail and told her how beautiful she was, if he could stop by her work to drop off the money and then maybe go out to coffee with her.. then proceeded to tell her how she deserved a man that would do everything to her she ever wanted.

she declined and kept telling him that even though she and i were fighting, i was a good girl and didn't deserve to be treated like that. i only found out through my best friend who read these emails.

confronting him he said: i wanted to see what kind of person she was

me: why didn't you tell me?

him: i forgot

me: you forgot to tell me that you propostioned my friend and wanted into her pants?

him: yes, so sue me, i'm not as smart as you and i forgot.

me: goodbye, dont ever call me again. *click*



in your heart of hearts you know he's lying. ditch him like a bad habit, especially because he can't man up to his own actions.

I'd confront him. Then try counseling together when he comes back and start individual therapy for you until he does.

Sounds like he is trying to get out of what he knows he has done wrong. I don't beleive he was doing it for other guys. Other guys are big boys and can take care of their own needs!!

if i were you i'd let him kno how you feel now even if he is deployed! id hate to hear you waited till he got home just to be dissappointed!! find out now before its too late! =[

I agree with another poster that if he really wants to work on it he will go to couples therapy with you and if he does not then he does not think it is that important. That is emotional cheating which to me is worse. Sorry sweety good luck

He has issues. Get counseling or break up. You deserve better.

Ditto!

Only you know the answer to your question. It does seem that this is habitual behavior and that is a huge concern. I think you need to confront him on this issue. :hugs

ehhh. woah. if it were me, no matter how much i love the guy, i'd say goodbye. you don't deserve that and his answers were wayy too sketchyyy. who's to say it won't happen again? it'd be harder if you were married to say goodbye, maybe you aren't married yet for a reason?? i'm so sorry that happened. i'm sure it's gotta be incredibly hard for you and the last thing you want to do is call off a wedding or say goodbye to the man you love... but you need to really listen to your heart here because this is the beginning of the rest of your life with this guy. i hope you make the right choice. good luck girl.

I appreciate everyone's comments. It's such a hard situation for me. Everything else about our relationship seemed fine. We fought a normal amount, get along great, enjoy each other's company, etc.

Of course he's sending emails all the time about how scared he is of losing me -- that this it's scarier than being in Iraq fighting a war. It's just so hard to believe him b/c his pattern has been to keep things from me that are "harmless" because he's afraid I'll flip. I can't seem to make him understand that I would be more calm if he would just be up front with me rather than keeping things behind my back.

I think the suggestions for couples counseling is an interesting one that I wouldn't have considered.

I wouldn't wait until he comes home to say something about it. Why should you have to be nice and wait? You know?

I don't know if I'd buy the "guys playing pranks" thing. But I agree with amazinggrace. Follow your heart. It truly does know best.

I once thought a guy I was dating was cheating on me, but I didn't confront him too strongly about it and I wish to this day that I had! If you are wondering if he is telling the truth...confront him or just end it. Whatever his reason may be, he shouldnt thave pics of other women!!!

trust is very important in a relationship, follow your instints

You've gotta go with your gut and what you feel. I do think that you should confront him and try to find out what is really going on. :hugs

He's obviously not ready for a committed relationship. Are you willing to wait to see whether he ever will be?

this situation is never black and white. I have a VERY similar situation except we are married with 2 adorable kids. You need to talk with him about this at length. Don't hold anything back but do talk with him in a respectable manner when you can even if it has to wait until he returns home. If it was me i wouldn't make any decision yet but it definitely requires a lot of thinking and decision making when the time comes. Make it VERY CLEAR to him how it makes you feel. He needs to tell all if you are move past this. Then you also need to discuss how to prevent this from happening in the future. MY problem was my DB didn't see what the big deal was. Since it really upsets me that should be a big enough deal to him to not do it again or justify it to himself or me. Make sure he respects your feelings. When my dh returns we have a lot of talking to do and i might have some very hard decisions to make. however...don't let it consume your letter writing, emails or phone calls. try to be positive until you do get that uniterupped time to discuss it. afterall we do love them and we all have ups and downs. if he dismisses it as no big deal and he doesn't understand why it bothers you so much....maybe he isn't right for you. you husband should honor you and if it bothers you it should bother him.

i agree with the other posted i ask him what he really want and go to couseling cause you dont want to have this on your mind going into your marriage cause that always going to be at the back of your mind is he cheating on me while he deploy and you wouldnt want to think like that. So go and talk to him now dont wait until he get back from deployment.

I think you need to trust your judgment. You know him better than all of us, what does your heart tell you?

So basically I'm half way through a deployment and I've recently learned that my SO, whom I'm engaged to, has been having secret conversations with other girls behind my back. Right before he left for pre-deployment training he received inappropriate photographs emailed to him from a girl back home. This was around Thanksgiving.

Recently i found a conversation between him and an ex in his gchat discussing him wanting to have sex with her. This conversation prompted me to go snooping, hence I found the email address filled with pictures. Keep in mind these are two different girls.

Come to find out after some more investigating, that when he was home over Thanksgiving he called the gchat girl twice.

I'm pretty much a wreck, don't know what to think, and have no idea what to do. Do I break off the engagement, wait till he gets home, etc? I've already confronted him with everything except the phone records, which I just found out about today. He's explained everything else as pranks going on with the other guys b/c they are bored. And the pictures - which happened before the deployment, as trying to help out a military friend who was going through a divorce.

We've been together for 5 years and when we first started dated he slept with an ex girlfriend, but until now there hasn't been anything else too suspicious. I'm at a complete loss on what to do.

Please help!!

Seems very off to me. VERY off. Too many excuses.

You know him. You know what your heart and mind is telling you to do. When is the next time he'll be home?

i would just listen to your heart; it will tell you the right thing to do.

Woah, wait a minute! A parnk becasue they were bored?!?!?!?!? :bs that absolutely does not happen. When they are bored they text you from other phones pretending to be some other girl. not email behind your back, that is complete and utter BULLSHIT!!!!! You need to confront him now and decide if you are wiling to marry someone who cheats like that. I would not have it for even a mnute. I hope you are able to sort this out. Im sorry hun :hugs

i second the bullshit call. he is lying through his teeth. he thinks you're naive enough to believe it and that makes him dumb. i think you should leave. hearts lie brains don't. i stayed with a guy who abused me because of my heart. sorry if that sounds harsh but let's look at reality here folks, this is not some porn company spamming him, these are real women. not cool.

follow your heart, that is the best advice I can give you.

:agree

Seems very off to me. VERY off. Too many excuses.

i agree. that is one to many times. i would say after the first time maybe a second chance but this is one to many. think about this. you have been with him 5 times and hes already done multiple things loosing your trust. how are you supposed to be with him forever if he's already done this kind of behavior already. Also, for me i think of marriage as a one time deal. i know sometimes it doesnt happen that way but think if you just "give him the benefit of the doubt" (which you already had the first time he cheated) you get married then a year down the road he cheats again. it will be much harder to get out of . mostly what im trying to say is, your relationship before your married sets a tone for your marriage and ur life together. and if you allow this in your relationship imagine what your marriage will bring...
im sorry if thats harsh but i do believe in second chances of course but i think he had one to many. im sorry it happened to you. and i hope your doing okay.

sorry but if I was in your shoes, I would thank my lucky stars that he slipped up now and kick his ass to the curb. If i would have found out that DH had cheated on me before he got married, I would have. Now that we are married we will go to counseling when he returns. But he knows that if he cheats during our marriage then it is byebye.

Talk to him sweetie! It's not acceptable behaviour for him to have those conversations whilst in a relationship. I had an unfaithful husband, it's not nice to be "cheated" on. If you're aware of his cheating now, I'd be thinking seriously about whether you want to continue to be in a relationship with him. Feel free to PM me.

wow, i'm sorry to hear that. i would just take some time to think about what you really need...because unnecessary heartache is something you can live without. :hugs

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