Well I'm not sure exactly what I hope to gain by this thread, but here goes.

For almost 8 weeks I have been writing to DB with no response. The silence came shortly after I asked DB for a little reassurance about our relationship, which was only 2 real weeks old when he was unexpectedly deployed. I figured he was on a blackout (he warned me about blackouts back when we first started talking), but he could read everything I wrote on MySpace. So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. He read, and read, and read. In the process I have dealt with huge projects and pressure at work, a blow-up in my immediate family, the anniversary of a difficult event in my life, and the terminal diagnosis of my Grandmother. It's been..... rough. But I have hung in there and never stopped supporting him.

Two days ago was the first sign of life from DB. He changed his default photo. Then he added a photo of himself from this deployment, something I asked him to do 2 months ago. He looks good, but exhausted and noticeably thinner. I posted a comment. He didn't approve it, but did approve one from a friend. So I wrote him a very honest note that put it out there. I told him that I need a sign that we are okay. I told him to move me up in his top friends list if things are okay and to remove me from the list if things are over. I gave him an easy way out. He read the note and did NOTHING.

I am tired of the uncertainty. I am tired of not knowing where things stand. I want answers, and I am incredibly frustrated. I know that he is in hell, and not on vacation. I know that he has had 1 or 2 days off in the last few months. I know that he has barely slept for months, that he has spent many days and nights in the field, and that he doesn't need added pressure from me. But I have put a huge piece of my life on hold for him. I walked away from 4 other guys to give him a chance. He is the one who asked me to stay and take things to the next level when I was ready to walk away before he deployed. I deserve an answer. And I'm ticked and scared and nervous and frustrated. I put it out there. I will deal with the consequences. I just hope they are happy consequences instead of sad ones.

I'm open to any thoughts and input at this point. I don't know what to do or say anymore. This is our first delployment together as a couple, but I knew him for 8 months before it started. The guy I know is kind and responsible and adventurous and understanding. The guy I know wouldn't ignore me for 8 weeks because he promised to never be out of touch unless he has to be. The guy I know takes promises very seriously and doesn't use that word often. But I'm scared that he isn't that guy right now. I'm just kinda lost here.

PS.... I'm not writing his sorry azz 'till Thursday at the earliest. I need a cooling off/sorting out period. Anything said or done right now may not be 100% rational and well-considered.

Hey there, I am so upset just by reading your post! I honestly do not know what to say because I have never been in that situation and this is my very first deployment EVER! But I did just want to say that you deserve someone who treats you well. I hope he is just maybe unable to respond to you?? It seems so bizarre that things would go well for 8 months and then just end while he was away! I wish you nothing but the best! I'm here if you need to chat!

hmm... well, do you know where he went to? If I were you I'd be happy he's reading the messages on myspace! When DB was deployed he had NO time, couldnt call anyone & wasnt allowed online. For weeks.

&+ I have a friend in the Navy SEALS who wasnt allowed contact with anyone or anything for a year. The MP's showed up at his wifes house with a flag & told her he had died. He LITERALLY has 3 headstones in military graveyards.
I'd be thankful that theres a sign of life from him..

I DO understand your confusion & it really sucks that he completely blew off that request for the top friends thing, but maybe hes trying to put off any decisions right now. With everything being dictated how his life is going to be & should be, I'm pretty sure that your efforts are just too much for him & he's getting an overload.

Just give it that cool down time.
Then, Thursday, write him on myspace one more time, not with an ultimatum, but with something like
"i'm so sorry. im so confused. im here for you but you need to tell me how far you want me to go. i can go as far as my heart can reach & beyond, or I can stop where i am. i cant be both. please just give me a sign of life in this."
It's SHORT (lol they have NO time.. so lame!) & sweet & to the point. & doesnt pressure him in any way.

[QUOTE=ArmyE'sGirl;2681030]
The guy I know is kind and responsible and adventurous and understanding. The guy I know wouldn't ignore me for 8 weeks because he promised to never be out of touch unless he has to be. The guy I know takes promises very seriously and doesn't use that word often. But I'm scared that he isn't that guy right now. I'm just kinda lost here.

QUOTE]

Have you told him just that?

I know things can be hard. I was trippin off of 4 days, I cant imagine 2 months. Personally, I think its fair for you to know what is going on. When DB first left, I felt like things were still up in the air with us. We were together, but it felt like we werent. I wrote him a long email, I saw he read it, and I was sooo ticked cause he didnt respond. And in there I told him exactly how I felt, and I told him that I want an answer because I want to make sure Im waiting an enitre year for the right reasons. When I saw that he signed off, I was devestated. I wandered on to his myspace page and saw some changes he made. He didnt need to say anything, he showed me. Im sorry that you are having a hard time with him, people deal with things differently. Good luck:hugs Sorry I wasnt much help

:hugs I am so sorry this happening to you!

hmm... well, do you know where he went to? If I were you I'd be happy he's reading the messages on myspace! When DB was deployed he had NO time, couldnt call anyone & wasnt allowed online. For weeks.

&+ I have a friend in the Navy SEALS who wasnt allowed contact with anyone or anything for a year. The MP's showed up at his wifes house with a flag & told her he had died. He LITERALLY has 3 headstones in military graveyards.
I'd be thankful that theres a sign of life from him..

I DO understand your confusion & it really sucks that he completely blew off that request for the top friends thing, but maybe hes trying to put off any decisions right now. With everything being dictated how his life is going to be & should be, I'm pretty sure that your efforts are just too much for him & he's getting an overload.

Just give it that cool down time.
Then, Thursday, write him on myspace one more time, not with an ultimatum, but with something like
"i'm so sorry. im so confused. im here for you but you need to tell me how far you want me to go. i can go as far as my heart can reach & beyond, or I can stop where i am. i cant be both. please just give me a sign of life in this."
It's SHORT (lol they have NO time.. so lame!) & sweet & to the point. & doesnt pressure him in any way.

I don't know where he is this time. Whe things went down and he deployed so suddenly, I asked him what was up. His response was "I wish I could tell you, but I can't." Then he was totally off the radar for 4 weeks. When he was able to get on-line for the first time, his note to me said "I'm sorry. I can't tell you anything about this trip (his word for deployment). Please don't ask." I have no address for him. I know he's somewhere in the middle east, but beyond that is a big question mark.

BTW "i can go as far as my heart can reach & beyond" is very poetic. I love it!


Keep it coming ladies. I really value your thoughts and perspectives. Thank you!

Sweetheart, I just myspaced you about this. I think this is beyond the point of you being understanding. Yes, you have to be patient and understanding but you have needs as well in this relationship and it is abundantly clear that he does have the access to drop you a quick email just saying I love you and that he is ok. You aren't asking for a bible long email. Just a little correspondence. You can't be expected to keep giving and get nothing in return. You are far too beautiful and far too caring to have to deal with such a lack of consideration.

I just love you to death and wish this wasn't happening! :hugs

awww hunny...

my heart is breaking for you...its not fair of him to not give you an answer...I mean you made it SOOO easy for him...basically checking yes or no...what the hell is his problem?!?!? I think you are doing the right thing by not writing to him...that would be my advice...make him miss you and while he is doing that go out and do your own thing...

jut because they are deployed does not give them a reason to be heartless...hell if he can get on myspace and shit then he could contact you...Im sorry...but it only take a damn second...

Im so sorry this is happening to you...stupid dumbass...what is he thinking?!?!?!

:hugs I don't know what to give for advice, but I hope everything works out and you hear from him.

awww hunny...

my heart is breaking for you...its not fair of him to not give you an answer...I mean you made it SOOO easy for him...basically checking yes or no...what the hell is his problem?!?!? I think you are doing the right thing by not writing to him...that would be my advice...make him miss you and while he is doing that go out and do your own thing...

jut because they are deployed does not give them a reason to be heartless...hell if he can get on myspace and shit then he could contact you...Im sorry...but it only take a damn second...

Im so sorry this is happening to you...stupid dumbass...what is he thinking?!?!?!

:agree I've given advice on this before, so I know you've been patient. I think he's being an ass right now. He's avoiding the question and the reality of it. He could easily answer the question by the myspace friend list - takes less than 30 seconds! You are a strong woman to deal with it for 8 weeks, so you deserve an answer. :hugs I hope he answers you soon. :hugs

Thanks all. I've never been truly pissed at him before. Hurt and/or disappointed occasionally, but never straight angry at him. I can't believe he's being a jerk. I guess no response is better than him ending things. But... just....:reallymad. F*ckin make-up your mind, buddy. I have a life to live. If we have no future together, wtf am I waiting for?!

Sweetheart, I just myspaced you about this. I think this is beyond the point of you being understanding. Yes, you have to be patient and understanding but you have needs as well in this relationship and it is abundantly clear that he does have the access to drop you a quick email just saying I love you and that he is ok. You aren't asking for a bible long email. Just a little correspondence. You can't be expected to keep giving and get nothing in return. You are far too beautiful and far too caring to have to deal with such a lack of consideration.

I just love you to death and wish this wasn't happening! :hugs

I completely agree. I know ALL to well how you are feeling and I HATE that you are going through this. I really hope he lets you know what's going on soon. Or HE will have to face the consequences.

:hugs

It kills me that some of you incredibly supportive women back home have to put up with this doubt and uncertainty!

I am trying so hard to reassure my wife and stay connected while I am deployed and she is back home but here I am, having to wonder if we are going to make it because she feels lost and confused!

I'm not trying to make your post about me. I just want to let all you ladies know that you should take alot of pride from being so supportive and strong for your DB/DHs. I admire all of your dedication and patience.

Hang in there and take your time on making your decisions so you know they are rational and not emotional choices.

JB

I PM'd you before I saw this thread. :hugs Don't you wish you had magic glasses that could see into their mind sometimes? I know I do. :sigh I wish I knew what to tell you.

I do know that you are amazing for enduring all that you have. You've kept a great attitude about it even though at times you didn't want to. I hope he's smart enough not to ruin a great thing that he has, but I also know that deployments do things to these guys that are unexplainable. I'm sure he's been through more than one, so he knows how to handle his emotions...maybe that's it. Maybe he just handles his emotions like this when he is deployed.

:hugs I'm sorry Danielle. I really wish I had better advice. You always know the right things to say to me. :( Here...this will cheer you up... :lovekiss

You know you want it. Stop denying it.

I'm really sorry to hear this. :(

But IMO, I think asking him to move you up or delete you just sounds so first grade. I mean - he is a man, you are a woman, this is real life.

But I also think you are pushing and pushing and pushing for an answer you already have. His actions, though not what you are looking for, are saying a lot.

Yes, he is in a war zone, yes he hardly has any days off, yes he's not just having a vacation. BUT - if he can pop online to update his myspace or approve some comments and not others, then it is already clear that you are not his priority. Sad as that is, that's what his actions are saying.

I mean, if he won't respond to you, or even approve your comment - he's making himself pretty clear, isn't he? Why put up with that?

I'm really sorry things didn't go better - but I always feel that when a relationship is "brand new" right before deployment, you really have a rough road ahead. I'd say cut your losses and move on. Pushing him to say what his actions are already saying won't make you feel any better, and it won't really put closure on it. Only you can do that.

&+ I have a friend in the Navy SEALS who wasnt allowed contact with anyone or anything for a year. The MP's showed up at his wifes house with a flag & told her he had died. He LITERALLY has 3 headstones in military graveyards.
I'd be thankful that theres a sign of life from him..



Just out of curiosity, how is this relevant, and what does he have 3 headstones for?

Okay, so I've decided that I am done initiating contact. At this point the ball is in his court. I won't keep putting myself out there if he is not going to respond. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks. In the mean time, I am going to live my life and not let his indecision bring me down.

hmm... well, do you know where he went to? If I were you I'd be happy he's reading the messages on myspace! When DB was deployed he had NO time, couldnt call anyone & wasnt allowed online. For weeks.

&+ I have a friend in the Navy SEALS who wasnt allowed contact with anyone or anything for a year. The MP's showed up at his wifes house with a flag & told her he had died. He LITERALLY has 3 headstones in military graveyards.
I'd be thankful that theres a sign of life from him
I DO understand your confusion & it really sucks that he completely blew off that request for the top friends thing, but maybe hes trying to put off any decisions right now. With everything being dictated how his life is going to be & should be, I'm pretty sure that your efforts are just too much for him & he's getting an overload.

Just give it that cool down time.
Then, Thursday, write him on myspace one more time, not with an ultimatum, but with something like
"i'm so sorry. im so confused. im here for you but you need to tell me how far you want me to go. i can go as far as my heart can reach & beyond, or I can stop where i am. i cant be both. please just give me a sign of life in this."
It's SHORT (lol they have NO time.. so lame!) & sweet & to the point. & doesnt pressure him in any way.

She isn't talking about weeks at this point and it is clear that he does have access and does have the time to drop her a quick note. Special ops or not, it is ridiculous and totally selfish on his part. You can't have a relationship with only yourself!

I completely agree. I know ALL to well how you are feeling and I HATE that you are going through this. I really hope he lets you know what's going on soon. Or HE will have to face the consequences.

:hugs

:agree

Gosh- your post scares me to death- DB and I will only have a few months dating under our belt when he leaves in October- and I'm very afraid that we'll be too "up in the air" to make it through deployment. He assures me that that wont be the case, but I'm sure you heard that too- and just not knowing- and hearing nothing... omg I can't imagine- you're so strong to get through this- and you're doing the right thing to kind of leave him be- if he doesn't see how wonderful and supportive you are and want to aknowledge you then screw him.

But.. wow... scary...

Hang in there

I agree with everything Brittany, Jill and ProudArmyWifeD has said. I am really, really, really sorry he is not man-ing up and just communicating with you. He is being extremely selfish and you have been very, very patient. At this point you need to take care of yourself and move on. I hate that for you because you've supported him so much and have invested in this relationship. I wish this had a different outcome. :hugehug

Okay, so I've decided that I am done initiating contact. At this point the ball is in his court. I won't keep putting myself out there if he is not going to respond. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks. In the mean time, I am going to live my life and not let his indecision bring me down.

i'm so sorry this is happening to you. there is nothing more frustrating than wanting answers in a situation like this. don't you wish you could just drive over to his house and demand he tell you what the hell is going on? freaking deployments :vent

i agree to stop contact for a while. just make sure you've said everything you want to say to him and then leave it up to him. you've been so supportive so far, but you can only be expected to do so much before you reach your limit.

good luck, and can i just suggest a bit of :hosed tonight? ;)

i'm so sorry this is happening to you. there is nothing more frustrating than wanting answers in a situation like this. don't you wish you could just drive over to his house and demand he tell you what the hell is going on? freaking deployments :vent

i agree to stop contact for a while. just make sure you've said everything you want to say to him and then leave it up to him. you've been so supportive so far, but you can only be expected to do so much before you reach your limit.

good luck, and can i just suggest a bit of :hosed tonight? ;)

:hosed is the story of my weekend, but in a fun and social way, rather than a depressed one. And...... it was awesome! :woot

:hosed is the story of my weekend, but in a fun and social way, rather than a depressed one. And...... it was awesome! :woot

:woot

oh and i think this one is probably the fun and social one :hosed

i picture this as more of the depressed and lonely one :drunk

I PM'd you before I saw this thread. :hugs Don't you wish you had magic glasses that could see into their mind sometimes? I know I do. :sigh I wish I knew what to tell you.

I do know that you are amazing for enduring all that you have. You've kept a great attitude about it even though at times you didn't want to. I hope he's smart enough not to ruin a great thing that he has, but I also know that deployments do things to these guys that are unexplainable. I'm sure he's been through more than one, so he knows how to handle his emotions...maybe that's it. Maybe he just handles his emotions like this when he is deployed.

:hugs I'm sorry Danielle. I really wish I had better advice. You always know the right things to say to me. :( Here...this will cheer you up... :lovekiss

You know you want it. Stop denying it.
Torie, I'll take your kisses any day!
This may be how he handles things. I wish it was something we had talked about before he left. Last time we were just friends and his stress level was far lower. But I still think it's crappy of him and I'm done trying to reach out for nothing. It's his turn.

Thanks all. I've never been truly pissed at him before. Hurt and/or disappointed occasionally, but never straight angry at him. I can't believe he's being a jerk. I guess no response is better than him ending things. But... just....:reallymad. F*ckin make-up your mind, buddy. I have a life to live. If we have no future together, wtf am I waiting for?!

You're justified in wanting an answer out of him and I agree with the others that you deserve one. He IS being a jerk. I was treated like that once and it was worse than a straight up "no, I don't want you in my life" deal.

I sincerely hope that it is the deployment going straight to his head and making him act like an ass, and that he gets himself screwed back together and gives you the answers you deserve. :bigsadhug

I would give it more time. I know it is hard, I know it's not fair, but where he is isn't either. Really, he just needs your love and support. If he is that exhausted maybe he can't even put the thoughts together to tell you how much you mean, how much he loves you, how much he longs for your touch. You know the man you fell in love with. He wouldn't do these things. He's the same man, he's just under more stress than anyone should have to bear. He is in war. There is nothing simple, pretty, or cut and dry about war. If you can manage to just love him as he is then I would. If you can't then you have to tell him that too. If it is just to much that in understandable, let him know. I'm sorry it's so very hard. I hope you can find a resolution. :hugs

I'm going to agree with everyone here who said you're amazing for going as long as you have with zero communication. You are being incredible patient, selfless and a truly supportive girlfriend. Take some time away and figure out what YOU want... it is hard, but if this is how he deals with things, is that something you can handle in your future?

I think whatever the outcome is, for better or for worse, you have become so incredibly strong and learned so many things about yourself from this experience. You deserve the best and I only hope that he can put on his big boy pants, stop being so selfish and give you all you deserve and more. :hugs

I'm going to agree with everyone here who said you're amazing for going as long as you have with zero communication. You are being incredible patient, selfless and a truly supportive girlfriend. Take some time away and figure out what YOU want... it is hard, but if this is how he deals with things, is that something you can handle in your future?

I think whatever the outcome is, for better or for worse, you have become so incredibly strong and learned so many things about yourself from this experience. You deserve the best and I only hope that he can put on his big boy pants, stop being so selfish and give you all you deserve and more. :hugs

:agree I'm sorry you're going through this, when we all know that a deployment is enough in itself. You deserve so much better. :hugehug