I just sent my wife an email to her phone. I told her, "Got a case of the lonelies and wanted to say hi and I miss you. :("

She replied, "Hi! Dont be lonely :("

I replied to her, "I'm afraid to ask, do you miss me? You can be honest."

She said, "Yes and no :( not the way that i really should. I hate myself"

Why is this happening to us? We were so happy and never had problems before! Why is she so confused?

I asked her to do me a favor and make a list of why she misses me and why she doesn't and to make another list of why she loves me and why she doesn't.

I don't know what to do! I don't know if I can make it 17 more days to go home on leave and find out my wife's feelings for me are gone.

All I want to do is cry but I have 4 more hours on shift here.

:hugs I hope you two will be able to work things out once everything starts calming down for you.

I think she's just going through so much. Going through the beginning steps herself plus enduring a deployment...she's probably trying to figure out where most of her energy and emotions should be channeled. I honestly think this will all take time. I don't know if you'll get all of the answers you want in just 2.5 weeks of leave with her. You know? I hope you do. I hope you two are able to be how you used to be. Maybe that's all it will take is a glance in your eyes and she'll know that with you is where she wants to be.

:hugehug You're doing so well at helping her through this. I'm taking advice from your posts and applying it to my own relationship. So know that I think you are doing all the right things. All you can do now is give her time and space to sort out her own feelings.

I think it's normal...if she works full time she's got her mind on other stuff...I know I miss my husband to death, BUT there are days I feel like I should miss him more than I do but I'm SOOOOOOOOOo busy with the kids it gets crazy and I get busy...there are also days I really don't miss him at all and feel like he's just at work and going to be home soon.

Hello, I have touched on your msgs. I am not 110% sure I know all that is going on, but please be encouraged, it is hard being back here alone and everyone has different ways of coping. Some people shut their feelings off, but that doesn't mean when she sees you and you spend time togethere things won't be better, they probablly will be, she will realize how much she misses you and needs you.

Hello, I have touched on your msgs. I am not 110% sure I know all that is going on, but please be encouraged, it is hard being back here alone and everyone has different ways of coping. Some people shut their feelings off, but that doesn't mean when she sees you and you spend time togethere things won't be better, they probablly will be, she will realize how much she misses you and needs you.


I agree! Sometimes I try not to focus on how much I miss my bf because it makes it harder for me to deal with day to day life. When you're busy your mind is on otherthings. Everyone copes in different ways.

I think she's just going through so much. Going through the beginning steps herself plus enduring a deployment...she's probably trying to figure out where most of her energy and emotions should be channeled. I honestly think this will all take time. I don't know if you'll get all of the answers you want in just 2.5 weeks of leave with her. You know? I hope you do. I hope you two are able to be how you used to be. Maybe that's all it will take is a glance in your eyes and she'll know that with you is where she wants to be.

:hugehug You're doing so well at helping her through this. I'm taking advice from your posts and applying it to my own relationship. So know that I think you are doing all the right things. All you can do now is give her time and space to sort out her own feelings.


:agree

It is so tough for the both of you! The two of you have alot going on right now. Give it sometime to work itself out!! You are in my thoughts!!!!!!!

I think she's just going through so much. Going through the beginning steps herself plus enduring a deployment...she's probably trying to figure out where most of her energy and emotions should be channeled. I honestly think this will all take time. I don't know if you'll get all of the answers you want in just 2.5 weeks of leave with her. You know? I hope you do. I hope you two are able to be how you used to be. Maybe that's all it will take is a glance in your eyes and she'll know that with you is where she wants to be.

:hugehug You're doing so well at helping her through this. I'm taking advice from your posts and applying it to my own relationship. So know that I think you are doing all the right things. All you can do now is give her time and space to sort out her own feelings.

:agree :hugs I pray that things turn out for the best :)

i think that it all must be incredibly overwhelming. i know the past few weeks on me have been super hard but r and r is in a month and i know for a fact the moment i see him i will feel like so much stress is relieved and be happy even though the last few weeks ive been sad mad and worried like no other. i hope she is the same way :goodluck to you!

Awe sweetie! I know it has to be tough to be over there, working and worrying about what's happening in your marriage.

Just to share some of my personal feelings about my own situation it might make it easier to get into her head. But, I must say, I'm so new in my situation...less than a week and definitely everyone is different. I have already been on a rollercoaster with my emotions. One minute, I think we are absolutely going to make it! That 10 months to a year isn't that long. The next I think, I don't know if it's meant to be and maybe God is trying to end this relationship because we're being pulled apart. Then when I start to think of other things besides my DB and have a little fun, I think to myself...we're going to drift apart because I'm going to forget about him over time. Then I get scared that because I'm not crying every minute that must mean I don't really care about him as much as I thought I did. I'm constantly analyzing what I'm feeling and how that shows how much I do or don't care for my DB. One thing I did the day he left is write down every reason why I love him. And the last few days I keep remembering things I forgot to write down.

I don't know if that helps. It sounds like you're DW is going through a big adjustment in her career/life right now and it's probably taking up a lot of her thoughts...so there's a chance she may be scared that she's not thinking of you constantly and that it might mean that she's lost feelings...but it doesn't really mean that. I feel like things will get better when you see her in person. Help her to remember those special moments you shared together before the separation. There is a reason you feel in love in the 1st place and I know she knows that.

I'm definitely not an expert on this by any means, but that's just my suggestion. Good luck to you and I'm praying for you. I think you're a special guy!

It's going to be ok. People naturally "move on" to some degree, but it doesn't mean she's leaving you behind. She's a good woman, whose heart is true, but there's really not that many ways for a brain and heart to cope with long distance. One is to shut down completely (which, thankfully, she hasn't.) Another is for her body to trick itself into believing she doesn't miss you. She naturally starts forgetting where your arms fit into hers JUST A LITTLE BIT.

Here's the good news, honey!!! :D She doesn't love you any less. I promise she doesn't. My DH said the same thing when we were apart, and I felt it. I didn't love him any less, I just didn't ache and pine and mope for him the way I had before. It's going to be ok, for real. She still loves you. She still wants to see you. Even the way she says, "I hate myself", is encouraging. It means that, above all, she still WANTS to have those feelings and love you the way she did before. She's still open to those feelings coming rushing back when she sees you and kisses your handsome face.

The third option, by the way, is moping and pining and being hurt ALL THE TIME. In other words, some people DON'T cope with long distance. They hurt and cry and sob and complain, and eventually drive their significant others away by clinging too tightly, and not being strong. Not all drive their S/O's away, but really, I was that woman the first time, and my DH said there were times that I was intolerable.

You're going to be ok! She wants to love you, you want to love her, and even when the squishy "I love you"s aren't there every second of the day, there is still love there.

I promise.

:bigsadhug

I just feel like I am being so patient and supportive when it doesn't seem like she is trying at all!

I feel like I am a fool. She says so many things that give me hope but then says things at the same time that crush those hopes. I feel like my feelings aren't a priority right now and she has never been like that with anybody.

I just feel like I am being so patient and supportive when it doesn't seem like she is trying at all!

I feel like I am a fool. She says so many things that give me hope but then says things at the same time that crush those hopes. I feel like my feelings aren't a priority right now and she has never been like that with anybody.

Hun, I'm sure she IS trying. There's just not a lot she can do when you're so far from home. I'm sure she's just as confused about her feelings. Deployment is a rollercoaster...sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down. And she's probably feeling a million different things right now. Just be patient with her.

:hug Don't know what else to tell you but HANG in there. You guys can do it. Just give her more time to adjust. How long have you been gone?

I left in Jan. She went to basic and AIT from Feb to June. This all started the last week or so of AIT and really hit her hard in the airport on the way home from AIT. She told me about her doubts 20mins before my birthday. :(

I think it's normal...if she works full time she's got her mind on other stuff...I know I miss my husband to death, BUT there are days I feel like I should miss him more than I do but I'm SOOOOOOOOOo busy with the kids it gets crazy and I get busy...there are also days I really don't miss him at all and feel like he's just at work and going to be home soon.

All she has is time right now. She just got home from basic and AIT and is waiting for school to start. That freaks her out for sure because she is always so busy and is a HUGE planner. Her mom says she has been scheduling her life ever since she could write, lol.

I left in Jan. She went to basic and AIT from Feb to June. This all started the last week or so of AIT and really hit her hard in the airport on the way home from AIT. She told me about her doubts 20mins before my birthday. :(

Sounds like she may not have had "normal" time to realize how different things were. I know I needed some adjustment time when my SO left, and she's been through many more changes all at once. I really think she needs time to process before she can be sure of anything. That's NOT saying that she doesn't still love you. Feelings get really weird during deployment. For example: I'm scared to death I'll be running up and kissing a stranger when DB gets home - but I'm not telling him that.

Stay patient. :hugs

Dont worry, maybe she has just found enough stuff to keep her busy and thats why she doesnt miss you the way she thinks she should. I know I have felt guily a couple times when I have actually ben doing something becasue Im not sitting around feeling lonely..... I hope everythig works out for you :hugs

I left in Jan. She went to basic and AIT from Feb to June. This all started the last week or so of AIT and really hit her hard in the airport on the way home from AIT. She told me about her doubts 20mins before my birthday. :(

Sounds like there is a TON on her plate. She's probably so busy trying to keep BOTH her job and you a priority. Basic can be overwhelming for anybody....and that PLUS having a deployed spouse would be an emotional rollercoaster for anyone. I'd just continue being patient - she's communicating with you, which is good - she loves you a lot but she might not be able to give you what you need right away.

I know my DB can't always give me what I need when I need it. I've just learned to be patient and give it time. :hug You guys CAN do this.

:hugs I beleive everything will be ok once you get home. Going through basic and AIT has probably made here have alot of different emotions and she is trying to adjust to all of it. I am sure that she loves you just as much and probably more than she did. I miss my DB more each day that he is gone but I am coping with it 300% better than I did the first 4 months. No, our emails and phone calls don't have 2 dozen "I love you's or I miss you's" in them now but I still love and miss as much as I did, I feel probably more. There is no doubt that he still loves me and misses me just as much. Hang in there and try not to worry, everything will be OK. :hugs

:hugs....Im sorry I hope that she comes to her senses you sound like a awesome husband and she would be silly not to miss you! I hope that everything works out!

:hugehug Take a couple of deep breathes. I am sure that once you two see eachother all of your doubts and worry will fade away.

Here is the list she wrote. None of it has to do with how our relationship was or any problems wih me. She seems to feel like she doesn't deserve it so she shouldn't have it. It breaks my heart that I am not there to reassure her. :(

Why I Miss You

* You’re my best friend
* Your wicked smart
* We always have a good time together
* You make great dinners!
* You are always there to listen to me and to help me
* Our common interests and hobbies


Why I Don’t Miss You

* I'll have to talk to you about my feelings and about us
* Fear of the unknown- not sure what’s going to come of us
* Feel undeserving of you and our relationship
* I’d rather run away from problems than deal with them head-on
* I don’t want to hurt you
* Being confused about why I get insecure and jealous


Why I Love You

* Amazing and fun personality
* Motivated and dedicated
* I know I can trust you
* Your unconditional love
* Your patience and ability to calmly discuss things
* Your ability to think rationally
* The fact that you like to cook
* Your so smart


Why I Doubt My Love For You

* How I treat you – like when I get frustrated and yell
* The age difference (I hate how it still bothers me and it shouldn’t)
* How you have still yet to meet the other half of my family
* The fact that I can be so unsecure and easily jealous
* The feelings that I no longer feel for you and for us
* Feeling like I'm not loving you the way you deserve to be
* Knowing that I'm hurting you-and I never intended to

Awww, that was sweet. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. It sucks when you can't reassure someone with a simple hug but you have leave soon!

I really think things are going to be ok for you guys. It seems to me like she's scared. I believe deployment does weird things to your emotions and thoughts! Everything's going to be ok, honey! Pray for it...it's going to work itself out.:hugehug

I think she really does love you, she's just being like me "a girl". Right now I feel like Im doubting things, but I know I shouldn't. Im sure that when you get home all of the worries will go away. Im sorry. Good luck I really hope it all works out for you. :hugehug

You are all so amazing! Really.

I hope I can be there for you the way you have been there for me...not that I want anything bad to happen to any of you. You know what I am saying. :)

No problem! This site is truly AMAZING! I love it so much! :)

:hugs Hang in there!

in my experience it's a pretty normal feeling.....however I don't know if I have really voiced it to my husband. we've been married 13 years, he's been active duty for 14 years.....he's deployed, ALOT........we're currently on back to back sea duty......(I don't recommend it AT all).

Anyway when he is gone I have to "put him away" as I call it. The first few days I clean the house, finish his leftover laundry, put away any of his stuff that is out.......magazines he was reading, books he was finishing, hats he threw on a table.....just put it away. I change the sheets, clean up and whew..........he's gone until he comes back. It really lets me stay more focused on the kids at home and what I need to do to stay sane until he's actually back. Do I miss him terribly and have moments when I am a big blubbery mess? Yes....BUT as odd as this seems having him gone is empowering at times because it forces me to do things I would normally NOT do with him home.......fix stuff, go places I'd normally send him.....etc. I become more independent, but in a strange twist it makes me really appreciate him more and wish he was home to be the one there with me when I have things to do or nothing at all.

Just communicate your feelings and keep the lines open........sometimes deploying can really bring you together.

Hang in there!

The one thing I always stress to anyone in the midst of emotional upheaval is the following:

Don't ask questions to which you aren't prepared to hear the worst response.

You asked her if she loved you any less...WHY would you ask her that?? What is making you so insecure? Why aren't you secure enough to relax? What makes you believe that things between you two aren't fine? I admit, I haven't read prior posts. But, just reading this one...I cringed when I read what you asked her. It reeks of insecurity. We're all in a similar boat of being separated from our loved ones. As much as we believe otherwise, the truth is that right now, the best course of action we should take with one another is one of trying to simply maintain and not try to repair anything, start any new endeavors, or making huge changes. When someone is away, particularly working, they have to change their focus and, frankly, we aren't always #1 in their minds and hearts.
They're reeling emotionally from changes, new situations, new everything. The less we cause them strife, the less we'll cause these situations we can't solve right now. Am I saying that what we're feeling doesn't matter? HELL no. BUT, we have to find alternative ways to comfort ourselves.

No one has to agree with me here. But, I could not imagine pressing DB right now for proof he wants me in his life (his emails and phone calls ARE proof), reassurances that he's not going anywhere when he gets back (no one can predict anything!), or ask him to make me feel better about us (I can only do this myself and I do my role by showing HIM how I feel)...

:hugs

Your frenetic behavior could be doing irreparable damage. You must calm down and let her come to you...

I really do admire your strength. I bet it is very hard to deal with your marriage struggles and your deployment. Before I say anything else, please try to stay focuesd on whatever you have to do over with there because we dont want anything bad to happen to you.

On your marriage, you are doing a wonderful job. Just continue to give her love and space. Everything will turn out the way its supposed to :) I hope that your leave is everything you want and more.

Here is the list she wrote. None of it has to do with how our relationship was or any problems wih me. She seems to feel like she doesn't deserve it so she shouldn't have it. It breaks my heart that I am not there to reassure her. :(

It's full of insecurities. :( Not having gone through basic and AIT myself, I can't understand why she feels so insecure.

I will tell you this. I feel undeserving of my SO all the time. I don't know why. He does reassure me every time I even accidentally frown that he loves me. We've been friends for 10+ years so there's really no reason to doubt it. The thing is....I understand that this man is a hero...he's seen and done things I will never have to. He's grown up 10 years older than me even though we are the same age. He makes better decisions than I do about life in general just because of the experience his military career has given him. He's successful in what he does. He's absolutely deserving of the love and appreciation that I only dream I am able to give to him.

Add those thoughts to basic and AIT stresses. Add those thoughts to the breaking down and building up of you that they do. DB was married during the 6 years that he and I lost contact. He started dating her shortly before basic and AIT. So things that were okay in their relationship before and things that worked suddenly were different. Unfortunately, she just couldn't respect the growing up that he had to do so things didn't work out for them. She just couldn't give him the love and support he needed I suppose.

Your situation is obviously different than this. You know what she's been through because you've done it yourself. You know the support she needs, the time she needs, the space and energy to be her and soak in her new experiences. I think the age bugs her because you have so much of your life lived that she has not experienced yet. I can imagine what it feels like. DB has a child. I don't. This life experience that he had before me is crushing to me....it causes insecurities and things like that. But you know what? That all disappears with the maturity of the relationship and the stability and trust you both will create.

I obviously don't know a ton about either of you but I do sincerely hope that you can take your own military experiences and how you felt going through these situations and help her to understand that you are there for her. Good luck with all of this. We're here for you! :hugs

The one thing I always stress to anyone in the midst of emotional upheaval is the following:

Don't ask questions to which you aren't prepared to hear the worst response.

You asked her if she loved you any less...WHY would you ask her that?? What is making you so insecure? Why aren't you secure enough to relax? What makes you believe that things between you two aren't fine? I admit, I haven't read prior posts. But, just reading this one...I cringed when I read what you asked her. It reeks of insecurity. We're all in a similar boat of being separated from our loved ones. As much as we believe otherwise, the truth is that right now, the best course of action we should take with one another is one of trying to simply maintain and not try to repair anything, start any new endeavors, or making huge changes. When someone is away, particularly working, they have to change their focus and, frankly, we aren't always #1 in their minds and hearts.
They're reeling emotionally from changes, new situations, new everything. The less we cause them strife, the less we'll cause these situations we can't solve right now. Am I saying that what we're feeling doesn't matter? HELL no. BUT, we have to find alternative ways to comfort ourselves.

No one has to agree with me here. But, I could not imagine pressing DB right now for proof he wants me in his life (his emails and phone calls ARE proof), reassurances that he's not going anywhere when he gets back (no one can predict anything!), or ask him to make me feel better about us (I can only do this myself and I do my role by showing HIM how I feel)...

:hugs

Your frenetic behavior could be doing irreparable damage. You must calm down and let her come to you...

I appreciate your opinions. If you have time you should read my "Trouble on The Homefront" thread. I am being really patient and asked her to take her time and sort things out. I haven't done anything hastily of made any rash decisions.

I never asked her if she loved me less. I asked her to make lists of why she loves me and why she doubts her love for me and why she does and doesn't miss me. That was an idea my chaplain gave me and I thought it was a good one. I think it might help her to start exploring her feelings more and help her sort through her confusion. I def have not been pressuring her at all.

As for the insecurity, I am not an insecure guy but I do have emotions and there is much for me to be worried and heartbroken about and things are most certainly not fine.

I have been really upset at times, who wouldn't? But I haven't been responding emotionally or irrationally.

i PMd you:D

LT JB Your feelings are real and anyone would have them. You're not being irrational. It's just an EXTREMELY difficult situation. I believe you guys will make it though.

I appreciate your opinions. If you have time you should read my "Trouble on The Homefront" thread. I am being really patient and asked her to take her time and sort things out. I haven't done anything hastily of made any rash decisions.

I never asked her if she loved me less. I asked her to make lists of why she loves me and why she doubts her love for me and why she does and doesn't miss me. That was an idea my chaplain gave me and I thought it was a good one. I think it might help her to start exploring her feelings more and help her sort through her confusion. I def have not been pressuring her at all.

As for the insecurity, I am not an insecure guy but I do have emotions and there is much for me to be worried and heartbroken about and things are most certainly not fine.

I have been really upset at times, who wouldn't? But I haven't been responding emotionally or irrationally.

Got it..
GOOD move talking to the chaplain. I respect that you realized that getting outside help would only help things.

We're here to keep helping. Take things just an hour, hell even a minute at a time...'k? :glomp

You will get through this!!! Discussing it in person will be the easiest to understand what each other feels, hang in there - it will work itself out! I will be thinking of you and your wife as you begin to work through it all!!

Aw, I read the list. It sounds like she's kinda insecure too. But it does not sound like she doesn't love you. Some girls (I am one of them) can analyze things to death and freak out when everything is not 100% just right. For example, there are days when I get really moody and wonder why I love my DB, whether we are right for each other, etc., etc., I asked his parents like 80 bazillion times while they were visiting me this weekend if they thought he loved me and were we good enough together and do they think we can go the distance? I can get riddled with insecurity.

But the more I keep being patient and getting to know my DB, just by communicating, the more I understand that we ARE good, that he DOES love me, and I don't need to worry. Distance can really heighten a lot of tumultuous feelings - that is why I am holding off on any hugely deep conversations until he gets home. Not that I'm saying you should hide things ... but maybe certain conversations are better when you're face to face and can see one another.

It certainly sounds like she loves you - she's just scared, lonely, going through a lot, and not quite sure how to handle it either. I know how I'd feel if I was separated from the one I love AND going through Basic/AIT - I'd be in a constant state of upheaval and turmoil.

Keep communicating, be patient with her and yourself, and just keep telling her you love her. Tell her you're there for her no matter what.

You're doing a good job. Hang in there - you CAN do this.

Thanks again. We started text messaging back and forth and it started to get into too emotional of a situation so I told enough for the night. Let's keep it light if we were going to keep talking tonight. We have plans to talk on the phone tomorrow. I told her I wanted to hear my best friend's voice and hear about her day.

She said that she didn't see a reason why we couldn't talk...a little cryptic but, oh well.
I also talked her into sending me a pic. She looks so pretty but so sad! Makes my heart ache.

Thanks so much ladies! You are all so great! I don't even feel weird being pretty much the only man on here, lol.

JB

Thanks again. We started text messaging back and forth and it started to get into too emotional of a situation so I told enough for the night. Let's keep it light if we were going to keep talking tonight. We have plans to talk on the phone tomorrow. I told her I wanted to hear my best friend's voice and hear about her day.

She said that she didn't see a reason why we couldn't talk...a little cryptic but, oh well.
I also talked her into sending me a pic. She looks so pretty but so sad! Makes my heart ache.

Thanks so much ladies! You are all so great! I don't even feel weird being pretty much the only man on here, lol.

JB

That's a great idea! Keep it light for a bit - don't get too heavy. It might ease some of the emotional turmoil for both of you. Sometimes it's good just to ease off of anything heavy for awhile.

And, hey, don't feel bad being a man on here - I'm considering you just one of the girls! :lmao JUST KIDDING. :teehee :teehee

I'm surely emotional enough to be one of the girls.

If my boss reads my posts it might get me kicked out of the Army, lol.

JB

I have to ask though, why did you ask her to be honest, like truly honest, if you didn't want her to hurt your feelings? I might be repeating a question - I haven't made it through the whole thing yet, but you act like she doesn't give a shit less about your opinion or feelings, and that she did this without any regard to your feelings. The way I read it, she didn't act like she was going out of her way to be miserable around you - you flat-out asked, and she flat-out answered.

She sounded like, although this is hard for her to admit, she did it because you asked her to be honest, and then you kind of doubled back and got upset that she WAS honest.

Thanks so much ladies! You are all so great! I don't even feel weird being pretty much the only man on here, lol.

JB


And, hey, don't feel bad being a man on here - I'm considering you just one of the girls! :lmao JUST KIDDING. :teehee :teehee

I'm surely emotional enough to be one of the girls.
JB

:teehee

I agree on just stepping back and letting things roll. She's obviously not going to open up while you're gone so don't torture yourself with something you can't change will over there. Just focus on staying safe when you get home on leave you'll have plenty of time to work it out together.

Again, I think you're are being so patient. Just try to focus on yourself and follow thru with the counseling on your end for now. I will stress that I think she needs individual counseling so that would be something to discuss w/her when you're home.

I have to ask though, why did you ask her to be honest, like truly honest, if you didn't want her to hurt your feelings? I might be repeating a question - I haven't made it through the whole thing yet, but you act like she doesn't give a shit less about your opinion or feelings, and that she did this without any regard to your feelings. The way I read it, she didn't act like she was going out of her way to be miserable around you - you flat-out asked, and she flat-out answered.

She sounded like, although this is hard for her to admit, she did it because you asked her to be honest, and then you kind of doubled back and got upset that she WAS honest.

Yeah, that's sort of what I was asking, but from what I understand from him, this approach was suggested to him by his chaplain.

I have to ask though, why did you ask her to be honest, like truly honest, if you didn't want her to hurt your feelings? I might be repeating a question - I haven't made it through the whole thing yet, but you act like she doesn't give a shit less about your opinion or feelings, and that she did this without any regard to your feelings. The way I read it, she didn't act like she was going out of her way to be miserable around you - you flat-out asked, and she flat-out answered.

She sounded like, although this is hard for her to admit, she did it because you asked her to be honest, and then you kind of doubled back and got upset that she WAS honest.

I think a few of you might be a lil confused as to what I asked her for and what I was upset about. I wasn't at all upset with her. I wasn't upset that she was honest about her feelings about missing me. We are first and foremost honest with each other about our feelings. I'm just upset that we are having a rough time and that she is going through so much and I am not there for her. And its hard being deployed and being the strong supportive one at the same time, especially when you feel lonely and isolated.

She feels confused and mad at herself. I asked her to make the lists because I KNOW she loves and misses me and I wanted her to focus on those reasons for a while and have a chance to think about us from a different perspective than the problems we are having now.

I wasn't upset for what she wrote on the list either. The list broke my heart because she had so many self deprecating things written down and doesn't feel like she deserves my love.

I am upset that she is in so much pain and I feel helpless. I am upset that I risk losing someone I love so much. I am not and have never been upset with her for feeling how she feels. I cannot fault her for that.

JB

Sounds like she may not have had "normal" time to realize how different things were. I know I needed some adjustment time when my SO left, and she's been through many more changes all at once. I really think she needs time to process before she can be sure of anything. That's NOT saying that she doesn't still love you. Feelings get really weird during deployment. For example: I'm scared to death I'll be running up and kissing a stranger when DB gets home - but I'm not telling him that.

Stay patient. :hugs

Totally agree.

Once the 2 of you are together again she will once again realize that the 2 of you belong together. Keep being patient and loving. Keeping my fingers crossed for the 2 of you.

I think a few of you might be a lil confused as to what I asked her for and what I was upset about. I wasn't at all upset with her. I wasn't upset that she was honest about her feelings about missing me. We are first and foremost honest with each other about our feelings. I'm just upset that we are having a rough time and that she is going through so much and I am not there for her. And its hard being deployed and being the strong supportive one at the same time, especially when you feel lonely and isolated.

She feels confused and mad at herself. I asked her to make the lists because I KNOW she loves and misses me and I wanted her to focus on those reasons for a while and have a chance to think about us from a different perspective than the problems we are having now.

I wasn't upset for what she wrote on the list either. The list broke my heart because she had so many self deprecating things written down and doesn't feel like she deserves my love.

I am upset that she is in so much pain and I feel helpless. I am upset that I risk losing someone I love so much. I am not and have never been upset with her for feeling how she feels. I cannot fault her for that.

JB

OK! :)

I have to ask though, why did you ask her to be honest, like truly honest, if you didn't want her to hurt your feelings? I might be repeating a question - I haven't made it through the whole thing yet, but you act like she doesn't give a shit less about your opinion or feelings, and that she did this without any regard to your feelings. The way I read it, she didn't act like she was going out of her way to be miserable around you - you flat-out asked, and she flat-out answered.

She sounded like, although this is hard for her to admit, she did it because you asked her to be honest, and then you kind of doubled back and got upset that she WAS honest.

I assured her she can be honest with me no matter what. We have a pact that we won't get mad at each other for our feelings. I didn't ask her if she missed me to make me feel better or worse, I asked her because I could tell something was wrong by her response to me and I want her to always feel comfortable to talk to me about her problems, doubts or fears. Even if I have to take a few mins to secretly freak out on you guys to help me find the strength to be strong for her and be able to keep a stiff upper lip at work.

I know its hard for her to admit but I'd still rather have her admit it and not feel obligated to just tell me what I want to hear out of guilt or circumstance. That is not how our relationship has ever been. Always honest ALL the time.

I appreciate everybody responding. I just want to clear up some confusion.

JB

Another freak out session over. I am WHIPPED! 3AM here. Sleepy time.

Thanks ladies. It means alot to me.

JB

im sure someone has said this already but we all have different ways of dealing with things back here while you are gone...personally for me i almost didnt want my DB to come home for R&R...for such a long time all i could think about was him coming home and how much i missed him and all that, i guess at our 10 month mark i just kinda became numb and i hated myself for that, dont be discouraged though...we just get used to being alone all the time and having you gone it just needs an adjustment period, when DB got off the plane and i ran and jumped into his arms all of my doubts washed away and everything has been wonderful :hugs i hope everything turns out well for you

You are all so amazing! Really.

I hope I can be there for you the way you have been there for me...not that I want anything bad to happen to any of you. You know what I am saying. :)

You can do this!