so i tried to post in dear sos, but i think maybe it hasn't been approved because there are homophobes out there?? or perhaps operator error, who knows. but i did want answers so now i'm just gonna post this anyway without fear of judgment and people treating me unkindly. i am bisexual. i kissed a girl long before i ever kissed a boy at the tender age of 6. growing up in a christian household i was told gay people go to hell. i don't believe that anymore but occasionally i struggle with my bisexuality because i am married and he considers being with another woman cheating unless he was there to watch (awkward) or was involved (no way he's puttin his thing in anyone else). so basically we agreed that i just wouldn't do it. but i still struggle with it. i was wondering if anyone else was ever in my shoes, i know this might make some people uncomfortable but this is who i am. i go to gay bars more often than straight bars. most men disgust me. i love my husband and would never hurt him like that it's just a struggle. i don't want to be judged but if you're going to just know i can handle whatever you throw at me. so. lemme know your thoughts on this.

It's difficult to be monogomous when you're attracted to both genders. I don't have advice, but know that I've felt that before.

I'm in no way judging you about your sexuality. However, I just have a question. And it's probably a stupid question, but I can't help it...I'm kind of stupid when it comes to most things. :)

I get that you're attracted to women. However, you married your husband because you are in love with him, right? Wouldn't the situation be the same if you were only attracted to men? I mean, if you are attracted to other people (no matter which sex they are) so much that you are struggling...well, I would have to wonder if something is "missing" from your marriage.

Maybe I'm way off base here, because I'm not a bisexual, so I can't say I have any experience in this area.

I don't have much advice, other than hugs. I wish I knew more and could help you.

I don't have advice but I would say to take yourself AWAY from temptations... Esp bars and what not... This is just my opinion you can take it for what you want but I think being in certain situation would make the struggle much more difficult. If you love you husband so much then the decision should be easy..

I'm not in your shoes and can't see things in your point of view but if you really want to be committed and faithful to your dh then you have to push your feelings for girls aside. Try not to go to gay bars as much. As for gay people going to hell I'm catholic and it is not allowed but I don't believe people go to hell for their emotions unless they are doing something wrong like committing suicide or something like that. Ya know? I will not judge you because I have friends who are gay and it's their life and they can do what they want. I'm still there for them no matter what.:hugs

The DearSOS thing has less to do with you and more to do with mods actually having real lives.

As for the OP, no marriage is perfect. Basically it's just looking at it as there's more you want in your marriage then out of it.

Are there things outside my relationship that I want that Andrew doesn't give me? Yes. But they're smaller than what I do get.

I'm in no way judging you about your sexuality. However, I just have a question. And it's probably a stupid question, but I can't help it...I'm kind of stupid when it comes to most things. :)

I get that you're attracted to women. However, you married your husband because you are in love with him, right? Wouldn't the situation be the same if you were only attracted to men? I mean, if you are attracted to other people (no matter which sex they are) so much that you are struggling...well, I would have to wonder if something is "missing" from your marriage.

Maybe I'm way off base here, because I'm not a bisexual, so I can't say I have any experience in this area.

I don't have much advice, other than hugs. I wish I knew more and could help you.

:yes Also I agree with your DH about it being cheating. Why would it be ok for you to do something but not ok for your DH to be "puttin his thing in anyone else" I don't see it as being any different than you wanting to do something with someone of the same sex. I know you love him but maybe something is missing and that's why you keep going out to bars. :dunno Either cut all of that out if you are having problems or think about your relationship and if you want to stay with your DH or be with a girl. :shrug Good luck sweetie. :hugs

I'm in no way judging you about your sexuality. However, I just have a question. And it's probably a stupid question, but I can't help it...I'm kind of stupid when it comes to most things. :)

I get that you're attracted to women. However, you married your husband because you are in love with him, right? Wouldn't the situation be the same if you were only attracted to men? I mean, if you are attracted to other people (no matter which sex they are) so much that you are struggling...well, I would have to wonder if something is "missing" from your marriage.

Maybe I'm way off base here, because I'm not a bisexual, so I can't say I have any experience in this area.

I don't have much advice, other than hugs. I wish I knew more and could help you.


I agree... the fact that you are struggling is a sign that something is wrong with your marriage. Whether it is you are no longer attracted to your husband or that you are letting your curiousity get the best of you. You need to sit down and talk with your husband about what is going on... if you think it is just you and that you may no longer remain faithful, you must communicate your problem with him. It isn't fair to leave him in the dark.

Of course we have all had the issues/insecurities of whether the relationship we are in is the right one but you have to overcome and decide the best solution. Usually we overcome and realize that our SO is what we want and we realize how rediculous we were for thinking differently! However, there are times that some realize that our SO cannot provide everything we need and we have to move on in another direction.

Thing hard about what you are going to do! You will get through this and stay true to yourself!!!! :)

First off. I promise you that your dear sos didn't get posted b/c of any homophobe issues. It didn't get posted b/c all the mods and admin have very busy lives and probably havn't had time.
Second I think you need to sit down and have a long heart to heart with yourself.
Do you truly want to be with a man? It's ok if you don't. If you do truly want to be with him then you need to stop going to bars. If you are with a women it's cheating. No two ways around it. It just is. And he obviously sees it that way. It's hard I know this. But you have to find peace with it one way or the other.
No matter what you have to choose the path that will make YOU happy.
Good luck!! :hugs

I'm in no way judging you about your sexuality. However, I just have a question. And it's probably a stupid question, but I can't help it...I'm kind of stupid when it comes to most things. :)

I get that you're attracted to women. However, you married your husband because you are in love with him, right? Wouldn't the situation be the same if you were only attracted to men? I mean, if you are attracted to other people (no matter which sex they are) so much that you are struggling...well, I would have to wonder if something is "missing" from your marriage.

Maybe I'm way off base here, because I'm not a bisexual, so I can't say I have any experience in this area.

I don't have much advice, other than hugs. I wish I knew more and could help you.


I agree, well said Kelly.

:hugs to the OP I wish I had some advise but I agree with what kelly said.

Temptation is temptation - bi, straight, gay, turtle, purple and blue.
If you're tempted you're tempted. :shrug I don't think gender matters in those situations.

When you're married part of your marriage IS staying faithful to your spouse. That's what makes a marriage a marriage. Commitment and faithfulness.

Being tempted and finding others attractive just affirms you're human. I know - that's tragic and sucks but, yep, you're just a human.
A unique individual, just like everybody else.

i appreciate all the advice, i really do but maybe i should have explained more. he knows all about my attraction to women and though he doesn't want me to be with them, he knows it's something i can't help feeling. i would NEVER cheat on him and there is nothing wrong with our marriage other than the fact that he doesn't have both a vagina and a penis. it's not his fault. i don't go to gay bars to look for women, and i always talk about him and wear my wedding ring when i go. i go because it helps that there are other women out there like me. i guess it's probably hard for straight women to understand but even though i'm pretty gay, i know who my soulmate is in this life and it's him. he's everything i ever wanted. i just wanted to get it off my chest that i'm struggling with my feelings for other women. not that i want to go out there and have sex with one, just that i even have these thoughts. he trusts me and i trust myself. i am not going to ruin my marriage, no worries there.

Then don't worry about! If it's not going to ruin anything it's NOT a problem, yeah?

maybe a support group directed at women in your situation would be more helpful than going to a gay bar? Just a thought...I've known people who have struggled with their sexuality but I think after marriage, your commitment is to that one person, regardless of their gender. I think it's ok to be attracted to whomever, but if it's becoming more of a struggle than something a lot less serious, then I'd think it's time to maybe look at some options...maybe a little therapy? just trying to help :)

hey there, PM me.....don't want to post my story on the public forum

i have no advice but i can give :hugs :)

I'm in no way judging you about your sexuality. However, I just have a question. And it's probably a stupid question, but I can't help it...I'm kind of stupid when it comes to most things. :)

I get that you're attracted to women. However, you married your husband because you are in love with him, right? Wouldn't the situation be the same if you were only attracted to men? I mean, if you are attracted to other people (no matter which sex they are) so much that you are struggling...well, I would have to wonder if something is "missing" from your marriage.

Maybe I'm way off base here, because I'm not a bisexual, so I can't say I have any experience in this area.

I don't have much advice, other than hugs. I wish I knew more and could help you.


:agree maybe it would be best to stay away from the gay bars if they present to much temptation?

ok i'm not trying to be rude, but it's not that they present too much temptation. i just don't like having these feelings anymore and i want them to stop. how can i live with these feelings if i can't even tell my own parents because they'll tell me i'll go to hell? that's what i hate. from the time i was little they made it seem so awful, like it's a mental disease. so occasionally it's still hard to accept about myself.

I am bisexual... feel free to PM me. I can add you to AIM or Yahoo and we can talk.


But there is nothing wrong with being attracted to other people. Regardless of their sex. All that matters is that you are married to the person YOU are in love with and plan to follow through on your and your husbands agreement to remain monogomous.

Bisexuality doesn't mean you can't be faithful... it just means there are more people for the picking when choosing a mate. you chose yours :)

Just so you know and aren't wondering... Your Dear SOS wasn't approved because you posted it under your user name and not the Dear SOS name. Dear SOS is for anonymous posts by people signed into the Dear SOS user name. All other threads asking for advice under people's own user names go on other boards. We don't approve or say anything to people who post there under their own names to avoid embarrassing them. We have no idea if they realize that they did it or not, and if they really did want to be anonymous we don't want to make the situation embarrassing for them in any way.

As for your question, I think you just have to figure out how to resolve your bisexuality and monogamy. It comes down to whether or not you want to be with HIM, and if he wants a monogamous relationship then your bisexuality doesn't really have anything to do with it. I don't think that being bisexual is a get out of monogamy free card, KWIM? If the person you are with wants monogamy, and that is a deal breaker for them, that if you want to be with them that's what you do.

As for telling your parents, well, that's your choice. I don't think your sexuality is anyone's business that you don't want to tell.

Good luck. I know this must be rough and confusing for you. I hope you can resolve this in your head and come to peace with whatever decisions you make. :hugs

ok i'm not trying to be rude, but it's not that they present too much temptation. i just don't like having these feelings anymore and i want them to stop. how can i live with these feelings if i can't even tell my own parents because they'll tell me i'll go to hell? that's what i hate. from the time i was little they made it seem so awful, like it's a mental disease. so occasionally it's still hard to accept about myself.

I guess that I'm personally just confused on what you want in the form of support here. In the first post it did sound as tho you thought it was too much temptation which is why people were trying to give you suggestions on that.
If your asking how to make the feelins stop. Well you can't. It's part of who you are. There's nothing wrong with them. Being attracted to women is not a bad thing at all IMO. Some people like guys some people like girls and some people like both. It's just that simple in my eyes. Noone here can make you accept it about yourself you have to do that on your own. Maybe some counseling will help you come to terms with it. Just remember there is NOTHING wrong with feeling that way. It's just part of what makes you you :)

I'm in no way judging you about your sexuality. However, I just have a question. And it's probably a stupid question, but I can't help it...I'm kind of stupid when it comes to most things. :)

I get that you're attracted to women. However, you married your husband because you are in love with him, right? Wouldn't the situation be the same if you were only attracted to men? I mean, if you are attracted to other people (no matter which sex they are) so much that you are struggling...well, I would have to wonder if something is "missing" from your marriage.
Maybe I'm way off base here, because I'm not a bisexual, so I can't say I have any experience in this area.

I don't have much advice, other than hugs. I wish I knew more and could help you.


The bolded is exactly what I was thinking. I honestly have no wonderful advice, but is anything lacking in your sex life that is making you have "urges" for someone else. Is it just a sexual attraction to others you feel while married or is it a need/want to be with someone else? I don't think being married to someone necessarily makes physical attraction to people go away. I also, don't think there's anything wrong with a married person being able to tell that someone is cute/pretty or whatever.

Op, you say your dh considers being with another woman cheating? Do you think he should be ok with you being with another woman? That's not marriage. You can't have a husband and a gf, even if you are bi.


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ok so i guess i just don't know how to post in dear sos, i thought you just posted a thread and it did it automatically. my blonde is showing. :blush

but i guess i just wanted people to say it was ok to feel like i feel, since i don't plan on acting on it and i can't help being attracted to both sexes. sometimes when you're all mixed up inside it's hard to know what you want. but i do know that what i want is him. he knows me best, he loves me best. i do not want to have relations with other women ("i did not have sexual relations with that woman...") i just struggle with attraction to them and have been with them in the past. in fact i cut ties with a girl i was seeing when we became an actual item. i realize that i have committed to monogamy, i am not dumb. there is nothing he isn't doing that is making me think about other women. he is the best i have ever had, plain and simple. right now he's on deployment though so i'm all crazy inside anyway. i dunno, maybe i just felt like i needed to talk to someone about this.

rest assured ladies there is NOTHING wrong with our marriage, we are stronger than ever. i'm actually going to find out tomorrow if i am pregnant. not that i want to be but there is a somewhat chance that i am. but cross your fingers that i'm not, he has explicitly stated that he doesn't want to be a father yet.