SamoaSoldierGirl
01-16-2007, 11:35 PM
this weekend felt like hell...i dun know it just sucked. i've been trying to concentrate on what im supposed to do like work on my speeches for speech class but ive been lazy all this weekend, especially since there was a 3 day weekend for martin luther king jr day. its like lately ive been lazy and unproductive and it made me feel like crap. i would lie in bed all day and sleep, which made me think it was a sign of depression. im just sad and skeptical about when my DB will come home again....and i try not to think about when he'll get deployed later on this year i just dont know what i'd do if he never came back....i'm scared that all the dreams that we are planning out will be taken away from me in a second if someone in iraq takes his life and unfortunately thats a sad reality now that bush has announced that he wants more troops in iraq. there have been soo many protestors in Sacramento and especially in San francisco against the war and ironically, thats the city where my soldier is from. its so frustrating sometimes because me and my soldier have a limited amount of time to talk and the two conversations we fail to complete are 1.) our future plans and what we both want out of this relationship (when we would get married or at least an estimated time) and 2.) his deployment to iraq. everytime he brings up the deployment he always says, "I dont want to talk about it right now". and then i think, "well, when is a good time to talk about it?" next time im just going to force it out of him. apparently he might be getting stationed to ft. campbell , KY and i guess he will be placed in a station where that is the most deaths for the deployed soldiers, which scares me...ALOT. since there is talk about sending more troops over there. we can plan all we want but the variable that stands in the way of me and my soldier to be together is him coming back alive. i just have to pray and hope everyday that he will come back safe. me and my soldier have been trying to talk about our future lives with each other one day, we had a conversation last week about how he cant wait to be settled so that he can ask for my hand in marriage...:) so chivalrous when he said it like that lol. we always try to talk about it and make plans, but i said i dont want to get married until i get my bachelors degree and know that i can get a job where he is at, or at least get a job first, save up some money for the wedding since he has a huge family who eats a whole bunch lol. i would need alot of money for the caterers and musicians, since music is a big part of both our lives. he wants me to go to school whereever hes at, but so far i dont know where that is. so for right now im just focusing on school, i just am so excited to finish school and start a life with him. my parents dont really know about us talking about marriage, they still treat me like a little girl sometimes, and sometimes its my fault too, cuz im the only child and im daddy's spoiled girl, which annoys the hell out of DB lol. he wishes that i be more independent and move out. i understand where hes coming from, but thats the only way i am used to. im trying to go to school somewhere in los angeles just to get away from the usual fairfield for once. i dont know, we'll see (the military's favorite words, since nothings for sure lol). well at least today i wasnt so depressed, even though my soldier didnt call today. i was quite productive today, except now i have to go work on my speeches i am expected to give within these 3 days. i have to give 3 more speeches in 3 days. i think this whole long distance relationship thing is going to work out for the better, its just a matter of how you deal with it, its basically a mental thing, and my minds getting a good workout from it. its sad to see how girlfriends fall out of their relationships with their army men and cheat on them. i never want to do that to my soldier, which is what my soldier is scared of. we had a convo the other night too, he just brought up all this stuff that i had done in the past and he basically called it "bullshit" and that he didnt deserve what i did to him. i told him that he didnt, its just i was in a confusing time especially when he moved back to SF, and then decided to join the army. it was a big shock to me it was like he totally dropped all of his classes at SF city college and just joined. i was angry and confused, broke up with him and started dating someone else, which totally pissed him off. the other guy ended up to be a huge player, i hated myself b/c all that time i couldve spent it with the one i truly love, and i wasted all that time. it was a whole bunch of drama that dont want to do again. he asked me, "how will i know that your not going to leave me for someone 'better'? he asked as he was crying. I told him, "you know why i wont, hun?" he asked, "why"? i said, "because you are the better!" we were both crying b/c we missed each other so much. its just times like that when i want to hold him sooo bad but i cant and theres nothing i can do about it. it was an emotional rollercoaster this week which im used to. but its okay. i love him, ill admit i was unfaithful before he was in the army but now im a different person. i made mistakes in the past and i dont want to repeat them again, which makes it even more tempting to just freakin marry him and just be close to him. but until then, ill keep being his faithful girlfriend.