to the thread about how some women "lose" themselves after having children. So here is my question:

How can you be a good parent, but still have your own life? How can you balance, and wear both hats? I'm struggling with this soooo much. I miss myself, but I feel like I'll not be able to be a good mom if I find myself again. I guess i just need to find the Veronica I am now. Not the Veronica I used to be. Anway, how do you handle both roles?

I still go out with just dh: dh, friends & I and I make time for my girlfriends & I too-we flew to LV for a wknd once & had a blast-I also do special little things for myself such as buying a nice piece of clothing or makeup every once in a while.

Thats a hard question. I don't know if I lost myself or if I just changed after Americus was born. I was a single parent for most of her life too. I still have my time. I still do the things I use to love to do. I am have a different role now.
I hope that made sense.

I think i'm still dealing with that question. It's really hard. And now that DB is gone, it's even harder. There are days I just lay on the couch while my daughter plays..Don't get me wrong, I play with her, but sometimes I just feel like I need a break and need myself back. It's hard. I think it would be completely different if DB and I were together with our daughter, but then again I'm not sure. Anyways, it's hard.

You don't have to be a bad person to be yourself. You can still have Veronica time; have someone watch your kids for a day and go have "me" time. You should still be able to go to lunches and dinners and the like with your friends.

(general "you" here)
It's when you refuse to be away from your children, refuse to do anything not involving your children, and your only social interaction is with other Moms at soccer games and PTAs. That's when you start to lose yourself. When the only way people know you is as "so and so's Mom", instead of Woman... with kids.

You don't have to be a bad person to be yourself. You can still have Veronica time; have someone watch your kids for a day and go have "me" time. You should still be able to go to lunches and dinners and the like with your friends.

(general "you" here)
It's when you refuse to be away from your children, refuse to do anything not involving your children, and your only social interaction is with other Moms at soccer games and PTAs. That's when you start to lose yourself. When the only way people know you is as "so and so's Mom", instead of Woman... with kids.

That makes sense. But it doesnt alleviate guilt I feel for wanting "me" time. and I get "me" time. I just dont know who the hell I am anymore. :no

I think you can be a great parent and still have a life!

I just don't think one should go out drinking and sleeping around every night while they are a parent kwim?

That makes sense. But it doesnt alleviate guilt I feel for wanting "me" time. and I get "me" time. I just dont know who the hell I am anymore. :no

I dunno what to say, hon. I don't think you should feel guilt for wanting "me" time. You're a human being, and you need relaxing time. Your kids will understand, maybe not when they're tiny, but someday. Ya know?

I think that you have to find some kind of medium between the 'old' you and the 'new' you. You're never ever going to be who you were before you had kids....accepting that is hard.
But once you do, you can try to find some kind of balance between being a mom and being just a woman.

We as women tend to get SOOOO wrapped up in our kids lives....its very easy to lose yourself. And when you start to do that, you start to feel angry and depressed and all kinds of stuff.
Guilt is a big emotion too...especially when you want to do something for just you. You end up feeling guilty about it, like you could be doing something for your child(ren) or your family.

The only advice I have is, really, try to maintain the attitude of 'I'm a mom, but I'm also ME.' If you haven't quite FOUND who you are yet, then take the opportunity to explore new things. The new things just might fit in better with you life the way it is now than trying to force the old things back in there.

I think that you have to find some kind of medium between the 'old' you and the 'new' you. You're never ever going to be who you were before you had kids....accepting that is hard.


I havent let go of the 'old' me yet. :yes I have to mourn her and move on. Thank you so much for those words. :hugs

I think that you have to find some kind of medium between the 'old' you and the 'new' you. You're never ever going to be who you were before you had kids....accepting that is hard.
But once you do, you can try to find some kind of balance between being a mom and being just a woman.

We as women tend to get SOOOO wrapped up in our kids lives....its very easy to lose yourself. And when you start to do that, you start to feel angry and depressed and all kinds of stuff.
Guilt is a big emotion too...especially when you want to do something for just you. You end up feeling guilty about it, like you could be doing something for your child(ren) or your family.

The only advice I have is, really, try to maintain the attitude of 'I'm a mom, but I'm also ME.' If you haven't quite FOUND who you are yet, then take the opportunity to explore new things. The new things just might fit in better with you life the way it is now than trying to force the old things back in there.

Very well said!!!!

I havent let go of the 'old' me yet. :yes I have to mourn her and move on. Thank you so much for those words. :hugs

Just don't ever completely let go of the old you, ya know? You're just a New Improved Veronica! Like a new kind of candy bar. Has all the yummy stuff it had before, but now it has caramel! :lol

I'm struggling with this right now because I have a 4 month old and only god knows how I have maintained my sanity let along have a grasp of my identity. I know where you're coming from I don't want to be caught up just being Jasmine's mom or DH's fiancee. It is a balance but you just have to remember the things that make you who you are and continue to embrace them.

Though I havent had my baby yet, so this is my "plan"

I was two seconds from starting riding lessons then I got pregnant. When I am cleared and ready to go, I am going to take them and DH will have the baby. We plan to do trade offs..But Im sure there are going to be complications to that plan.

Being a parent is a life changing experience. I thought I knew what it was going to be like, but now I realize I didn't know squat about being a parent before I had Taylor :) You will never be the exact same person you were before you had Val. You can't be. You are now responsible 100% for someone else. That in itself is life changing.

However, there is a way to balance the two. I struggled with it for at least the first year after I had Taylor. I thought I had to be mommy ALL the time. I wasn't sure how to balance being a student and a wife. Then I realized that I wasn't doing anybody around me good by not taking "me time". I was just making everyone around me just as frustrated as I was. I felt guilty about going out with a girlfriend without Taylor, or going out on a date with John and leaving Taylor at home. It was starting to take a toll on both me and John. I wasn't able to be the mom, wife, and person I wanted to be because I wasn't taking the time for it. Does that make sense? :dunno

There is no reason in the world to feel guilty about needing you time. I have always been the type of person who needs time to myself. Even if it's just a bubble bath. I realized that was never going to change, and that was ok. It didn't make me a bad mom. Taylor was going to benefit from me being able to do things just for me, because in turn it made me a better person.

The same goes for your marriage, not just Val. It's healthy to have time to yourself, or go out with friends without Val or your husband. There is NOTHING wrong with being heavily invovled in your child's life. And I wish people would get that idea out of their heads. The time you've spent at home with Val is priceless. Those are years you will never get back, and you were there for all of it! That's an amazing thing, that some mom's don't get the chance to experience.

I don't know how to change your way of thinking, but everything I wrote is my way of handling it. If you need to talk Veronica, don't hesitate to get ahold of me. I swear I was in your shoes at one point, and I know how frustrating it can be. :hugs

:hugs Thanks Michelle. PM me your number. :hugs