I'm putting this here since it has mainly to do with Colin...

Lately Colin has been asking about his dad. He hasn't seen or heard from him in over 1 ½ years. Caleb doesn't even know he exists, he's only seen him 3 times since he was born. But, I'm not really sure what to say to him. It breaks my heart to know that after all of this time he stills asks about him and I just don't know what to tell him. I've seriously considered over the past few days to call my ex and see what is going on with him. I know that the reason he's gone MIA on them is because of my husband. Ever since I left him, he has been trying to get back together with me but I just refuse. And when he found out that I was in a relationship and moving to be with him, he stopped all contact with me or the boys. I used the he's in the Navy excuse with Colin for most of the time and it had worked, that is until I met Jeremy. Colin figured out that you can still be in the Navy and be around.
I'm just at a complete loss for what to do now. I don't even think that if I call my ex it will do any good. He's already spread his story that I'm the one that keeps him from his kids, so he's been pretty intent on keeping up with the lie. I just feel like I'm not doing enough. I've been hoping that time would help Colin, but we've been divorced for almost 4 years now and he's seen them 3 times in that 4 years and yet Colin still gets upset that he isn't there. :unlove
I just need advice, I guess...

Don't call him... It'll create drama and heartache for you, you don't need that.. It won't solve anything, but it will open old wounds.

I tell my son that his biodad is sick. It's not a lie, it's the truth--he's a sick sick individual. I tell DS that his dad is too sick to come over or call.. And maybe someday if his dad gets lost of rest, and takes his medicine (anti-psychotics), his dad might be well enough to come and visit someday.

That way it doesn't point the finger at anyone, or put blame on anyone because DS knows what it's like to be sick... and it leaves the door open for future visits incase his dad decides to pull his head out of his ass... We haven't had contact for 7 years...

Good luck, sweetheart.. And bless your heart.. I know exactly what you're going through.. It's a neverending battle, and I'm so sorry it's causing you pain :hugehug

I WAS the kid in this situation. I can tell you right now that your son will resent you and will blame YOU if you lie and say that your ex is "sick" or don't give him enough information.

What I wish someone had done for me is just tell me THE TRUTH. "Your father has problems and is not responsible enough to take care of you. Maybe someday he will get his act together."

As it was, when I found out my mother had lied to me about what was REALLY going on with him, I resented her. In fact, I still do. You need to just present the facts, let your son know that YOU love him and point out all the people (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) that he is lucky to have that LOVE him soooo much! Focus on the positive, and teach him how to. If you present it as a simple fact that his father is x, y, z, then he will accept it and focus on other things. That way, he also won't be expecting a prince and be hurt and disappointed when a toad shows up. Trust me on that one. Lying is no way to go.

Thanks. I know that calling him won't do anything. He doesn't answer my phone calls anyway. I guess I wanted to make sure that I'm actually doing everything that I can. :shrug

I think you are doing the best you can as a mom. I have never been in that situation or been a kid in that situation, but I know many friends and such who have.

Just do what you have been doing, maybe someday your ex will come around. :dunno

I think just being honest with Colin will be the best thing. You don't have to be mean about it but tell him that "your dad isn't happy with me so he doesn't call" or something along those lines. He's a pretty smart kid.

Alex doesn't know his bio at all, but I'm trying to hard not to completely cut my ex off all together because I don't want to get blamed for it later :(

I was that kid growing up. My Mom did not want my Dad or anyone else in the picture to tell her what a crappy job she was doing. My Dad never got off his ass to work so he could pay support and he felt he would not get help because of that. I resent both of them for being idiots.

My advice would be to let your son call his "dad" and make his own opinion. You can only protect how he will feel for so long. Maybe your ex might just get a clue and step up to the plate.

You are doing a great job. Keep up the good work. :hugs

I don't know if a three year old would understand the concept of "responsible parenting"... I tried that with my kid, and he wanted to know why his dad didn't want to be his daddy.. What was wrong with him, what he did wrong.. He started to place the blame on himself because he didn't know any better..

I know that you're doing the best that you can.. It's a hard, difficult job, and when you add the hurt emotions and frustrations you're feeling it makes it a gazillion times worse... Keep your head up, I'm sure you're doing everything you can..

I don't know if a three year old would understand the concept of "responsible parenting"... I tried that with my kid, and he wanted to know why his dad didn't want to be his daddy.. What was wrong with him, what he did wrong.. He started to place the blame on himself because he didn't know any better..

I know that you're doing the best that you can.. It's a hard, difficult job, and when you add the hurt emotions and frustrations you're feeling it makes it a gazillion times worse... Keep your head up, I'm sure you're doing everything you can..


The son she is talking about is 7 :teehee

i dunno... from personally knowing you and timmy... i'd say you should either email him or call him and leave a message if he doesn't answer... explain to him what colin has been asking and what not.... at least YOU will know YOU made the effort and TRIED to help establish a relationship. afterall, he does pay child support....

(L) :hugs

Well a three year old may not understand responsible parenting, but if you tell him that his dad just can't be a dad right now, and it's not your boy's fault. But just LOOK at all the people who love him and are in his life and always happy to see him... (list off the people). Focus on the positive and what he DOES have rather than what he is missing out on.

Then at least he isn't expecting his dad to miraculously have a change of heart or "get better" and all of a sudden be at soccer practice and the like someday. Honesty is really the best way to go. I'm sure it's really hard a mom to see her baby so upset over that :(

The son she is talking about is 7 :teehee

:duh :duh

What the heck was I thinkin?

Maybe Amber has a good idea with letting his son call him and make his own opinions... But I'd be cautious that dad doesn't lie to him...

I talked to my bio-dad once, and he told me if I came down to Oklahoma to visit him, he would take me to Disneyland everyday..

I've thought about having Colin call him, but he hasn't responded to any contact from me in any form in over a year. And the years that he would answer the phone was just that, him answering when Colin called. He has never made the effort himself. I've just felt guilty that I have stopped trying to make contact with him when Colin still obviously wants him to be there.

The reason this came up today was that he asked if we could go to CA to see him. I sat with him for a while and talked to him about it. I just told him that you have to be a grown up to be a daddy and that he just isn't ready to be a grown up yet. My neice's dad is MIA also, so I told him about her dad not being there either and that sometimes some dads just aren't ready and some are. And that when and if he is ready to be a grown up then he will call and that he can talk to him and see him. He seemed to understand from what I could tell.
I just constantly second guess myself and if what I am doing is right in this situation. I've never had to deal with it before and I just don't want to make it any worse on him.

I have not seen my bio Dad since I was 1 years old. My Mom remarried and that man adopted me. I always was told the truth. That my parents could not get along. I know it is hard but be as honest and as gentle as you can. You don't have to put it all out there you can tell him more as he matures and gets older.

This is what my shrink told me when I was worried about how my DH relates (or sometimes does not with our kids) his relationship with his children is not your responsibility OR your fault. If you force the relationship your children are smart they will figure it out. Be honest with them if they ask you questions. Anything else will cause resentment sometime down the road.

It is not your job to call him and ask him if he wnats to see the children all you have to do is let him see them if he wants them. I know it sucks and I know it kills you to think it is hurting your children. You can't make him do the right thing though. It is better that he is all the way gone from their lives instead of bopping in and out.

I've thought about having Colin call him, but he hasn't responded to any contact from me in any form in over a year. And the years that he would answer the phone was just that, him answering when Colin called. He has never made the effort himself. I've just felt guilty that I have stopped trying to make contact with him when Colin still obviously wants him to be there.

The reason this came up today was that he asked if we could go to CA to see him. I sat with him for a while and talked to him about it. I just told him that you have to be a grown up to be a daddy and that he just isn't ready to be a grown up yet. My neice's dad is MIA also, so I told him about her dad not being there either and that sometimes some dads just aren't ready and some are. And that when and if he is ready to be a grown up then he will call and that he can talk to him and see him. He seemed to understand from what I could tell.
I just constantly second guess myself and if what I am doing is right in this situation. I've never had to deal with it before and I just don't want to make it any worse on him.


You did great. You're doing everything you possibly can, and I know it must hurt you horribly to be the bearer of bad news, but your boy will appreciate your honesty someday, and he will love you even more because he will appreciate the things you went through for him so much more. :hugs

I've thought about having Colin call him, but he hasn't responded to any contact from me in any form in over a year. And the years that he would answer the phone was just that, him answering when Colin called. He has never made the effort himself. I've just felt guilty that I have stopped trying to make contact with him when Colin still obviously wants him to be there.

The reason this came up today was that he asked if we could go to CA to see him. I sat with him for a while and talked to him about it. I just told him that you have to be a grown up to be a daddy and that he just isn't ready to be a grown up yet. My neice's dad is MIA also, so I told him about her dad not being there either and that sometimes some dads just aren't ready and some are. And that when and if he is ready to be a grown up then he will call and that he can talk to him and see him. He seemed to understand from what I could tell.
I just constantly second guess myself and if what I am doing is right in this situation. I've never had to deal with it before and I just don't want to make it any worse on him.

I think what you told him was right on.... :yes You're doing everything right...

If it were me, I would contact him and let him know that his son is asking about him. Put it in his court. Let him decide how he wants to deal with the situation. Rather than you deciding that they dont' have a relationship, let HIM decide whether he wants to face the fact that his boys are getting older and now asking questions. If you don't make the attempt, there's no telling the resentment your boys may have in the future.

My husbands real father was never around...my MIL got pregnant and then joined the army.

He would tell me he would remember seeing this man once in a blue moon but never knew he was his father. He didnt find out that he had a different dad until he went to college.

my husband is now 29 and he has so much baggage about that...