Joy
07-30-2007, 11:32 AM
Homecoming 101
TIPS FOR BOTH PARTNERS TO KEEP IN MIND:
Avoid the "I've Had It Worse" game. Both partners have faced difficult challenges during the past few days/weeks/months.
Agree on family plans for the first few days/weeks. Let everyone contribute.
Give each other space as it is needed. People become accustomed to living without their partner and may not always consider another's opinion before making decisions.
If there were problems or unfinished business before the deployment, chances are they did not go away. The same financial problems or disagreements regarding children and discipline will probably reappear after the homecoming party is over.
If you have children, that "second honeymoon" you've talked about may have to wait for a while. Children do not always understand being pushed aside at a time when they need attention.
Your sexual relationship may be awkward at first. This is not unusual. Do not feel you have to reestablish intimacy immediately. You may feel more comfortable getting to know one another again first. This may take a few hours or a few days. The "right" answer is the one that works best for you. Communicate about feelings.
Intimacy reducers: Alcohol, children awake and scurrying around the house, unresolved hurt and anger, distrust, and experimentation without negotiation.
Many couples have gotten into a real bind because they feel the need to celebrate their reunion with a spending spree or vacation. Remember--if you can't afford it, don't do it.
Communicate events that occurred during the deployment. Reread letters or discuss questions about the deployment and home life.
TIPS FOR THE SERVICE MEMBER
</B>On longer deployments, your spouse may have changed. While you've been deployed, your spouse has learned to cope with new and different situations. Don't be threatened by this independence. The fact that your spouse can cope alone does not necessarily mean he or she wants to.
Ease yourself back into your family gradually. See yourself as a "special guest" for awhile. Don't criticize how your spouse has handled the children, finances, or the household--that can cause resentment. If changes need to be made, they can wait a few weeks. Some things will change naturally as a result of you being home.
Be positive about the decisions your spouse has made, even if you would have handled them differently.
Don't try and take over the finances immediately. Don't interrogate your spouse over every penny he or she may have spent in your absence. You may find sharing financial responsibilities a welcome addition to your household management.
Don't be surprised if your spouse is a little bit envious of your travels. Your life may have appeared to be very exciting compared to his or her job at home.
When it comes to discipline, take it easy on the children for awhile. Stick to the rules your spouse has established during your absence. Changing the rules suddenly may not only be difficult on the children but your spouse may also resent it. On the other hand, it may be very tempting to spoil the children. Don't put your spouse in the position where he or she must constantly play the "heavy" while you have all the fun with the children.
TIPS FOR THE SPOUSE:
On longer deployments, expect your spouse to have changed. Pressures of the job, exposure to the suffering of disaster victims, and separation from the family may cause attitude changes.
Be patient. Your spouse's routine may have become regimented. It will take some time to readjust to family life. He or she may try to run the family like a government unit or they may rebel against any type of schedule at all.
You may have altered your schedule to compensate for your spouse's absence. For instance, you may have enrolled in a class or have made new friends. Give your spouse time to adjust to these new commitments.
You may find your spouse is either surprised or hurt that you've managed so well by yourself. Try not to get defensive. Reassure him/her you very much need his/her companionship and emotional support.
Many spouses have been devastated because their partner arrives home exhausted. Working long hours and jet lag contribute to fatigue as well as the excitement of returning home. Allow your spouse to adjust to time changes. Expect he/she will want plenty of rest the first few days home.
Many spouses have also been hurt because their partner is not interested in the reunion celebration they planned. Allow room for flexibility and spontaneity the first few days home. Plan only homecoming activities that can be easily changed.
CHILDREN AND REUNION
:
If possible, talk with your children before the service member comes home. Find out what feelings of anger or fear they may have bottled up inside.
When the service member returns, don't pack the kids off to grandma's house so you can be alone.
Your children may choose to keep their distance from the returning parent because they may have unresolved feelings of anger toward the parent who left them. They may not trust the parent not to leave them again. These children want to be "courted" back into the relationship.
Other children may attempt to cling to the returning parent for dear life. If the parent leaves the room, the children fear they may be abandoned. This "clinging" stage will pass when they become sure the parent will return home at the end of the day.
Jealousy is a common reaction for children during a reunion. They were the center of attention of the parent that remained behind. Be careful not to abruptly demote the child to the #2 spot.
On longer deployments, expect your child to have changed emotionally and physically. Six months can mean a different stage of development, especially with children. Crawling babies may be walking or a teenager may be dating.
Do not alter discipline procedures the family has established while the employee was away. Discipline methods should be changed only after the parents have had a chance to discuss options privately.
Above all, make sure your children feel loved and needed. Children need to celebrate your return, too!
Renegotiation (for longer deployments): Reality hits! The returning spouse finds a more independent family. A little anger, a little disappointment, and a little guilt creep in. This is not the same family--they are older, more mature, and more self-confident. The children seem to depend more on the spouse they stayed with, forgetting to seek help from the returned spouse. Even the parent's sexual relationship is a little strained. Things cannot be as they used to be! All these people have changed. This is the stage for clear communication of needs and wants. It's time to refocus, and reorganize. Each will feel a loss of individual freedom. It's time to renegotiate the "individual space" for all. Many divorces occur during this stage. The returning spouse boldly marches in to recapture his/her kingdom. The family members want to retain their routine and the spouse who stayed may not want to give up the measure of independence, decision making, and private freedom he/she experienced during the separation.
Reintegration: This is the stabilization stage. Now the conversations become "we", "us", and "our." The family begins to move forward as a unit. When you are back together again, take some quiet time to sit together, holding hands and talking about what happened. You need to listen to each other and you both need to talk. You have a thousand questions to ask, as does your spouse, and you both need reassurance that everything will be okay. Realize that you both have grown during your time apart and it is important for each of you to allow the other to have some space and time alone. This is the time to reestablish old patterns or to establish new, better ones. This can take several weeks, so don't expect to fall back into "how it was" overnight. Take time to enjoy the intense pleasure of reuniting as a couple.
Keep this in mind as you face a family separation. The leaving and returning are never easy, but it does not last forever. Rarely are the separation and reunion exactly as you would have imagined. Both have their drawbacks, but both also have their rewards. The important thing is that you both survived the separation. Remember the time apart, what you learned, what you liked, and what you did not like. Apply these lessons to similar experiences that you may face in the future. It will help to make you a stronger, better prepared husband and wife team.
*Not written by me, just found and posted*
TIPS FOR BOTH PARTNERS TO KEEP IN MIND:
Avoid the "I've Had It Worse" game. Both partners have faced difficult challenges during the past few days/weeks/months.
Agree on family plans for the first few days/weeks. Let everyone contribute.
Give each other space as it is needed. People become accustomed to living without their partner and may not always consider another's opinion before making decisions.
If there were problems or unfinished business before the deployment, chances are they did not go away. The same financial problems or disagreements regarding children and discipline will probably reappear after the homecoming party is over.
If you have children, that "second honeymoon" you've talked about may have to wait for a while. Children do not always understand being pushed aside at a time when they need attention.
Your sexual relationship may be awkward at first. This is not unusual. Do not feel you have to reestablish intimacy immediately. You may feel more comfortable getting to know one another again first. This may take a few hours or a few days. The "right" answer is the one that works best for you. Communicate about feelings.
Intimacy reducers: Alcohol, children awake and scurrying around the house, unresolved hurt and anger, distrust, and experimentation without negotiation.
Many couples have gotten into a real bind because they feel the need to celebrate their reunion with a spending spree or vacation. Remember--if you can't afford it, don't do it.
Communicate events that occurred during the deployment. Reread letters or discuss questions about the deployment and home life.
TIPS FOR THE SERVICE MEMBER
</B>On longer deployments, your spouse may have changed. While you've been deployed, your spouse has learned to cope with new and different situations. Don't be threatened by this independence. The fact that your spouse can cope alone does not necessarily mean he or she wants to.
Ease yourself back into your family gradually. See yourself as a "special guest" for awhile. Don't criticize how your spouse has handled the children, finances, or the household--that can cause resentment. If changes need to be made, they can wait a few weeks. Some things will change naturally as a result of you being home.
Be positive about the decisions your spouse has made, even if you would have handled them differently.
Don't try and take over the finances immediately. Don't interrogate your spouse over every penny he or she may have spent in your absence. You may find sharing financial responsibilities a welcome addition to your household management.
Don't be surprised if your spouse is a little bit envious of your travels. Your life may have appeared to be very exciting compared to his or her job at home.
When it comes to discipline, take it easy on the children for awhile. Stick to the rules your spouse has established during your absence. Changing the rules suddenly may not only be difficult on the children but your spouse may also resent it. On the other hand, it may be very tempting to spoil the children. Don't put your spouse in the position where he or she must constantly play the "heavy" while you have all the fun with the children.
TIPS FOR THE SPOUSE:
On longer deployments, expect your spouse to have changed. Pressures of the job, exposure to the suffering of disaster victims, and separation from the family may cause attitude changes.
Be patient. Your spouse's routine may have become regimented. It will take some time to readjust to family life. He or she may try to run the family like a government unit or they may rebel against any type of schedule at all.
You may have altered your schedule to compensate for your spouse's absence. For instance, you may have enrolled in a class or have made new friends. Give your spouse time to adjust to these new commitments.
You may find your spouse is either surprised or hurt that you've managed so well by yourself. Try not to get defensive. Reassure him/her you very much need his/her companionship and emotional support.
Many spouses have been devastated because their partner arrives home exhausted. Working long hours and jet lag contribute to fatigue as well as the excitement of returning home. Allow your spouse to adjust to time changes. Expect he/she will want plenty of rest the first few days home.
Many spouses have also been hurt because their partner is not interested in the reunion celebration they planned. Allow room for flexibility and spontaneity the first few days home. Plan only homecoming activities that can be easily changed.
CHILDREN AND REUNION
:
If possible, talk with your children before the service member comes home. Find out what feelings of anger or fear they may have bottled up inside.
When the service member returns, don't pack the kids off to grandma's house so you can be alone.
Your children may choose to keep their distance from the returning parent because they may have unresolved feelings of anger toward the parent who left them. They may not trust the parent not to leave them again. These children want to be "courted" back into the relationship.
Other children may attempt to cling to the returning parent for dear life. If the parent leaves the room, the children fear they may be abandoned. This "clinging" stage will pass when they become sure the parent will return home at the end of the day.
Jealousy is a common reaction for children during a reunion. They were the center of attention of the parent that remained behind. Be careful not to abruptly demote the child to the #2 spot.
On longer deployments, expect your child to have changed emotionally and physically. Six months can mean a different stage of development, especially with children. Crawling babies may be walking or a teenager may be dating.
Do not alter discipline procedures the family has established while the employee was away. Discipline methods should be changed only after the parents have had a chance to discuss options privately.
Above all, make sure your children feel loved and needed. Children need to celebrate your return, too!
Renegotiation (for longer deployments): Reality hits! The returning spouse finds a more independent family. A little anger, a little disappointment, and a little guilt creep in. This is not the same family--they are older, more mature, and more self-confident. The children seem to depend more on the spouse they stayed with, forgetting to seek help from the returned spouse. Even the parent's sexual relationship is a little strained. Things cannot be as they used to be! All these people have changed. This is the stage for clear communication of needs and wants. It's time to refocus, and reorganize. Each will feel a loss of individual freedom. It's time to renegotiate the "individual space" for all. Many divorces occur during this stage. The returning spouse boldly marches in to recapture his/her kingdom. The family members want to retain their routine and the spouse who stayed may not want to give up the measure of independence, decision making, and private freedom he/she experienced during the separation.
Reintegration: This is the stabilization stage. Now the conversations become "we", "us", and "our." The family begins to move forward as a unit. When you are back together again, take some quiet time to sit together, holding hands and talking about what happened. You need to listen to each other and you both need to talk. You have a thousand questions to ask, as does your spouse, and you both need reassurance that everything will be okay. Realize that you both have grown during your time apart and it is important for each of you to allow the other to have some space and time alone. This is the time to reestablish old patterns or to establish new, better ones. This can take several weeks, so don't expect to fall back into "how it was" overnight. Take time to enjoy the intense pleasure of reuniting as a couple.
Keep this in mind as you face a family separation. The leaving and returning are never easy, but it does not last forever. Rarely are the separation and reunion exactly as you would have imagined. Both have their drawbacks, but both also have their rewards. The important thing is that you both survived the separation. Remember the time apart, what you learned, what you liked, and what you did not like. Apply these lessons to similar experiences that you may face in the future. It will help to make you a stronger, better prepared husband and wife team.
*Not written by me, just found and posted*