She wants to keep boyfriend in the dark


By CAROLYN HAX
The Washington Post


Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend is unreasonably jealous, insecure and mistrustful of other men — be they friends, exes or strangers on the street.

I'm wondering if it's OK to meet up with a male college friend without telling my boyfriend. I'm in the difficult situation of either dumping my friend or awkwardly inviting my boyfriend along. Contrary to my boyfriend's suspicions, my relationship with my friend always has been purely platonic.

Because I'm not technically doing anything wrong, does the adage "What they don't know won't hurt them" hold true?

ARE THERE ANY LITTLE WHITE LIES?

Dear White Lies?:

First of all, your only defense against your boyfriend's jealousy is your confidence in yourself. You should know that he must deal with his insecurity.

But if you should keep your "secret" date-that-isn't-a-date with your college friend, what do you have? You're a sneak, and your boyfriend has confirmation that you and other men are a combination not to be trusted. There's deception on your part.

The bottom line is that relationships are hard work. You don't even see yourself "dating," but please try to see it differently.

Sounds like she has way bigger issues with her BF she needs to deal with if he's actually that jealous.

This touches on a topic that's a huge beacon for evolution and the concept of human core knowledge: Possession.

Male mammals have a tendency of claiming "ownership" of a partner. He will fight to the death for the right to breed with a female, even going so far as to kill her previous males' offspring. This is seen in the animal kingdom even today. I firmly believe there is a kind of Freudian connection between a female mate and the mother, in so far as to the fulfillment of the males' sense of acceptance and comfort. If the male feels this type of connection with a female, he will become overly critical of the females acceptance. Basically, the male NEEDS the female to offer the comfort of "home" and will kill for it.

Since murder has become socially unacceptable, most men have no way of addressing feelings of shortcomings, in the ways of women. There is a huge amount of aggression that's kept at bay with a thick wall of jealousy. If the woman gives the man a reason to justify his jealousy, he'll become extremely angry. It's a natural, animal response to a circumstance where he, the alpha male, is in fear of losing his mate.

This touches on a topic that's a huge beacon for evolution and the concept of human core knowledge: Possession.

Male mammals have a tendency of claiming "ownership" of a partner. He will fight to the death for the right to breed with a female, even going so far as to kill her previous males' offspring. This is seen in the animal kingdom even today. I firmly believe there is a kind of Freudian connection between a female mate and the mother, in so far as to the fulfillment of the males' sense of acceptance and comfort. If the male feels this type of connection with a female, he will become overly critical of the females acceptance. Basically, the male NEEDS the female to offer the comfort of "home" and will kill for it.

Since murder has become socially unacceptable, most men have no way of addressing feelings of shortcomings, in the ways of women. There is a huge amount of aggression that's kept at bay with a thick wall of jealousy. If the woman gives the man a reason to justify his jealousy, he'll become extremely angry. It's a natural, animal response to a circumstance where he, the alpha male, is in fear of losing his mate.


This is all perfectly sensible to me, and still creeps me out. :eekdance

This touches on a topic that's a huge beacon for evolution and the concept of human core knowledge: Possession.

Male mammals have a tendency of claiming "ownership" of a partner. He will fight to the death for the right to breed with a female, even going so far as to kill her previous males' offspring. This is seen in the animal kingdom even today. I firmly believe there is a kind of Freudian connection between a female mate and the mother, in so far as to the fulfillment of the males' sense of acceptance and comfort. If the male feels this type of connection with a female, he will become overly critical of the females acceptance. Basically, the male NEEDS the female to offer the comfort of "home" and will kill for it.

Since murder has become socially unacceptable, most men have no way of addressing feelings of shortcomings, in the ways of women. There is a huge amount of aggression that's kept at bay with a thick wall of jealousy. If the woman gives the man a reason to justify his jealousy, he'll become extremely angry. It's a natural, animal response to a circumstance where he, the alpha male, is in fear of losing his mate.

Well, there is one big difference between humans and other mammals... Understanding of the consequences of our actions. No offense to you, but I don't like the comparison of human males and other male mammals as if human males have no control because they are genetically coded to be raging jealous possessive beasts. That seems like such a cop out. I understand that some seemingly automatic emotional responses may arise in men because of the evolutionary roots of our species, but as we evolved a wonderful thing became an integral core of our species... The level of consciousness that enables us to reason. Therefore, I don't buy the animal instinct argument. LOL. JMHO, though.

I personally feel that the girl needs to act as secure as she is trying to sound and ditch the guy who treats her like a possession instead of a person. There ARE men out there that don't automatically react to any other penis in the room as a threat that must be dealt with.

Well, there is one big difference between humans and other mammals... Understanding of the consequences of our actions. No offense to you, but I don't like the comparison of human males and other male mammals as if human males have no control because they are genetically coded to be raging jealous possessive beasts. That seems like such a cop out. I understand that some seemingly automatic emotional responses may arise in men because of the evolutionary roots of our species, but as we evolved a wonderful thing became an integral core of our species... The level of consciousness that enables us to reason. Therefore, I don't buy the animal instinct argument. LOL. JMHO, though.

I personally feel that the girl needs to act as secure as she is trying to sound and ditch the guy who treats her like a possession instead of a person. There ARE men out there that don't automatically react to any other penis in the room as a threat that must be dealt with.

I believe, based on observation and research, that the similarities between the animal kingdom behaviors and our own are more closely woven than many like to admit. Mothers are fiercely protective of their young, which is something common, as well. Our level of knowledge also allowed us to craft tools - tools that are formed for main concerns in life: Food, shelter, comfort, offspring. To satisfy those needs more effectively, we evolved the means of creating new concepts and tools for whatever issue arises. This is unique to humans (on the level we're at) but the animal kingdom has been known to sprout some really clever animals who show signs of our intelligence.

If you've ever been a guy going through puberty, the concept of "reason" is only a whisper. The NEED to procreate is the screaming voice that drives our actions. It's an ugly, ugly time. Couple this with an incredible desire to be admired and respected in the eyes of peers and it's a wonder how most of us make it into the mid-20's without a gray hair.

he sounds like an abuser to me or soon to be one