If anyone has a husband they could ask about this for me, I'd appreciate it.

He's been home for about a month now... He told me last night that he still not home.. Does that make sense?

He still hasn't unpacked his things, his duffel bags and backpacks are still on the bedroom floor.. He hasn't touched the things that came in the shipping containers either.. I asked him why..

He said that he doesn't want to unpack it, because he keeps thinking that they are going to call him and tell him to come pick up new deployment orders, then he'll just have to pack everything back up again..

He thinks he's going to go back, but he's not---

He told me that over the last 22 months, he never thought about home, and he never thought about me. Okay, that's fine.... If that made it easier for him to deal with the suck, then it's not gonna hurt my feelings...

I suppose he did what he had to do to stay mentally strong..

So he's spent the last 22 months not basically denying that I existed back home... Okay, doesn't hurt my feelings..

However..... Now that he's back (physically) he has to change his state of mind from "desert" to "Minnesota".. And he said that he can't.

He said that the realization of where he is, is to surreal and bizarre... He has to get his mind back in :quoteI have a wife and stepson who have thought about me everyday while I've forgotten them:quote mode...

It occours to me that as of right now, he doesn't feel the same way about us as we do about him.... Meaning, we love him more then he loves us... He's still in a state of apathy regarding his family.. Don't get me wrong, he still loves us, he still loves me, he still :sex...

So, I understand that there's NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD I can do to "fix him"... I'm frustrated, I feel helpless, and I feel like my hands are tied, and there's nothing that I can do to make him care except stand back and give him his space.. I feel like I have to be the silient subsurvient wife..

Patient...Quiet...Understanding....Tolerant....Forgiving.....Composed...Complacient........

Alot of the time, he wants to be left alone.. He's been spending a couple nights a week at our townhome.. Which is fine.. I can understand that he wants to ease into things.. It's not like he's out at the bars with sluts or anything, so I'm fine with that... I understand he hasn't had privacy for almost 2 years... He's being alone, watching movies, pooping with the door open, falling asleep on the couch..

But when is he going to come home??? When will his mind come back???

OH wow.. I'm so sorry sweetie, at least you finally got it out of him, even though it's nothing that you wanted to hear I'm sure.. :hugehug I really hope things can get better.. I don't really know what to say.. even if I were in your position.. I'd just be at a loss.. :hugs :hugs :hugs

Oh man! I have never experienced anything like that so I can't pretend to have any advice for you. All I can offer is some internet hugs & positive thoughts! :hugs

I've been away from the board for a few months so if you have already answered this, sorry in advance. Is he seeing someone about PTSD/depression? If not, I'd get him an appointment ASAP.

It sounds to me like you might be doing the right things as far as not pressuring him, giving him his space, etc. That's great!

Please keep us updated!

Oh man! I have never experienced anything like that so I can't pretend to have any advice for you. All I can offer is some internet hugs & positive thoughts! :hugs

I've been away from the board for a few months so if you have already answered this, sorry in advance. Is he seeing someone about PTSD/depression? If not, I'd get him an appointment ASAP.

It sounds to me like you might be doing the right things as far as not pressuring him, giving him his space, etc. That's great!

Please keep us updated!


I don't think it's reached the point of PTSD yet, it's just adjustment as of right now.. He was in Iraq for a LOOOOONG time.. The longest deployment of OIF as of yet..

We are going to have the first meeting of our 30-60-90 reintegration in about a month.. I called my brother tonight and talked to him for about 10 minutes, he said that he never unpacked his stuff for 5 months...

My brother said it's normal, and everything is okay.. He kept telling me that over and over... "It's okay, it's normal, don't worry, it's fine, it's normal."

But it's frustrating....

:hugs

MMM kay' So I talked to DF, he said if it were *him* and being that he's been through it.. Your DH has spent years, literally with his BB and his PLT. Thats who he dedicated his life to. Trusted his life too.

He said your DH should consider counseling, seriously consider it. And that you should go with him. Not sit in the room, but even out in the waiting room.. so he knows your there to support him. He said this "He loves his wife, but that isnt who was saving his ass for the last two years." That made sense to me.

I :dunno If this helps AT ALL, just wanted to give you a man whos been in the same shoe's POV.

I hope things improve, and he gets some help so you all can start living the rest of your life.

YOU deserve it and so does your DS.

:hugs :glomp :bigsadhug :hugehug --Every form of hug :)

:hugs I don't really have any advice for you and I asked my dh. He said that he can't really give any good advice either b/c his longest deployment was 8 months nowhere near 2 years. I can only tell you what I think I would do in that situation and I would probably push for counseling.

Oh that sucks hun!!! I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I agreed with Tiff-you should see if you can get him an appointment at mental health or something. Even if he's just coping with being back(everyone does it their own way) it might help if he spoke to someone about it. And if it doesn't, then at least you know you tried! But you're doing a great job of being understanding and supportive. If you can, I'd also just try to keep talking to him about everyday things and try to include him in even the smallest things-that really helps DH get beck into the swing of things. He still likes his alone time, but he'll golf or something and then go with me to just get gas or get my haircut. Good luck hun and PM me if you need anything!

Im so sorry hun!! I dont know what to say, but Im here to offer :hugs

:hugs

:hugs I really do not know what to say. I can remember your posts about being a bit afraid of having to share your roles with him again. And all I can say is that this sounds sort of the same but then it sounds different too. I hope things smooth out for you all real soon. That is just so rough. :hugs

I am glad that you guys talked about things and he opened up to you about how he is feeling. Hang in there girl. You are such a strong, woman. :hugs:hugs

I think we can all learn from your experiences. So thank you for sharing them with us.

I am glad that you guys talked about things and he opened up to you about how he is feeling. Hang in there girl. You are such a strong, woman. :hugs:hugs

I think we can all learn from your experiences. So thank you for sharing them with us.
:agree 110%

Oh Leftie, I am truly at a loss on what you can do for him. I think that the ladies that are giving advice from their DFs and DHs are going to perhaps have the most insight on this one. :dunno

What I can offer is that I think that you are doing the best thing for you right now. There is no doubt that it has to be frustrating, draining, and emotional to go through this, but you are dealing with it in such a grounded way that there is no doubt in my mind that you are going to get through this just fine.

You got through the past two YEARS...you can get through this too. It is just one more challenge of life that you will undoubtedly conquer. I wish you and the family the best. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

:hugs. He'll come home soon sweetie. You're a great wife.

wow, hang in there, you have been so tough to get through the past two years, I have NO doubt you can get through this. Deployment isn't really over in a sense is it?!:(

And I want to thank you for continuing to post about all your experiences with this. I can't tell you how much I admire you and appreciate you for putting these things out here for us to follow along with....it is a HUGE help to me in knowing just a little of the things that happen post-deployment.
If there is ever anything i can do, just let me know:hugs

I'm really sorry you guys are going through this. I don't know anything about that kind of situation, but I do think he should get professional help to get him through this transition period.

Good luck!

I really have no advice to give but talking about it and really letting you know what is going on in his head seems a good step in the right direction. :hugs I hope things get easier even if he can't 'come home' just yet. You are such a strong woman I know you will make it through this! :hugs

:hugs I'm sorry Lindsay. You are being incredibly patient. I hope that he can bring his mind back soon and get used to the idea of being home.

Stay strong sweetie, they go through a lot over there and we just have to be patient and support them as much as possible. Try and get him to take some leave and go on a holiday, get out of town, just the two of you. Good luck, keep you chin up.

i have a very good friend who i think also took quite a while to "come home." in his case, PTSD did not really manifest until some time after he was back. i am absolutely certain that having his family and friends around at the time is what helped him get through it. and now he's doing so well. i wish you all the very best. you deserve it and will find it...

I wish I could give some great advice but I have none. Please know I am thinking about you guys and hope that he gets the help he needs. It is a large adjustment. He has been through a lot.
xoxox

i have a very good friend who i think also took quite a while to "come home." in his case, PTSD did not really manifest until some time after he was back. i am absolutely certain that having his family and friends around at the time is what helped him get through it. and now he's doing so well. i wish you all the very best. you deserve it and will find it...


I understand that...

Everyone else thinks everything is fine...No one else is around him enough to make any kind of judgements or opinions..

My brother used the word "decompressing" to describe him.. I remember that my brother slept in the garage for 2 weeks on the floor after he came home. It wasn't because he was having mental issues or PTSD, but because he felt comfortable sleeping in a room with no windows and a concrete floor.. He's fine now, it was just a little rough at first....

If anyone has a husband they could ask about this for me, I'd appreciate it.

He's been home for about a month now... He told me last night that he still not home.. Does that make sense?

He still hasn't unpacked his things, his duffel bags and backpacks are still on the bedroom floor.. He hasn't touched the things that came in the shipping containers either.. I asked him why..

He said that he doesn't want to unpack it, because he keeps thinking that they are going to call him and tell him to come pick up new deployment orders, then he'll just have to pack everything back up again..

He thinks he's going to go back, but he's not---

He told me that over the last 22 months, he never thought about home, and he never thought about me. Okay, that's fine.... If that made it easier for him to deal with the suck, then it's not gonna hurt my feelings...

I suppose he did what he had to do to stay mentally strong..

So he's spent the last 22 months not basically denying that I existed back home... Okay, doesn't hurt my feelings..

However..... Now that he's back (physically) he has to change his state of mind from "desert" to "Minnesota".. And he said that he can't.

He said that the realization of where he is, is to surreal and bizarre... He has to get his mind back in :quoteI have a wife and stepson who have thought about me everyday while I've forgotten them:quote mode...

It occours to me that as of right now, he doesn't feel the same way about us as we do about him.... Meaning, we love him more then he loves us... He's still in a state of apathy regarding his family.. Don't get me wrong, he still loves us, he still loves me, he still :sex...

So, I understand that there's NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD I can do to "fix him"... I'm frustrated, I feel helpless, and I feel like my hands are tied, and there's nothing that I can do to make him care except stand back and give him his space.. I feel like I have to be the silient subsurvient wife..

Patient...Quiet...Understanding....Tolerant....Forgiving.....Composed...Complacient........

Alot of the time, he wants to be left alone.. He's been spending a couple nights a week at our townhome.. Which is fine.. I can understand that he wants to ease into things.. It's not like he's out at the bars with sluts or anything, so I'm fine with that... I understand he hasn't had privacy for almost 2 years... He's being alone, watching movies, pooping with the door open, falling asleep on the couch..

But when is he going to come home??? When will his mind come back???


oh girl...im so sorry....i truly understand.....dh did the same thing when he came back, in fact, he still does it and its been 7 months. He is still not "home" but he gets to come home on weekends but alot of the time its not like he is home at all....sometimes i just wish he would stay at ft hood so i dont have to deal with him being "here but not here"

I am glad that you guys talked about things and he opened up to you about how he is feeling. Hang in there girl. You are such a strong, woman. :hugs:hugs

I think we can all learn from your experiences. So thank you for sharing them with us.

Absolutely.:grphug It sounds like you have an amazing amount of patience and understanding and strength; he is so lucky to have someone like that. I guess it is going to take some time to "undo" a mindset and a reality that took so many months to build.

Absolutely.:grphug It sounds like you have an amazing amount of patience and understanding and strength; he is so lucky to have someone like that. I guess it is going to take some time to "undo" a mindset and a reality that took so many months to build.


No... Anyone else would do the same... I'm no different then any other milspouse.

No... Anyone else would do the same... I'm no different then any other milspouse.

Well for what it's worth, when mine comes home in a few weeks I'm going to try to remember how you are handling this as an example of the way to do it right. :five

Lefty,

You are an amazingly strong woman and you make me proud to be part of this life. Even though I am Navy and you are Army. I think you are doing everything right. I hope he will see that you are there for him and even though you werent "there" the last 2 years that you were always with him. He did what he had to do to make it through. He will see you for the wonderful and patient wife you are. I can only wish I had mroe advice to give you. (L)

Hey Lefty,
I wanted you to know that you were one of the first people who my heart went out to on here. You are just such an example of patience and understanding...a true Army Wife. I am so sorry that you have to stretch yourself a bit longer, but it will work itself out soon.

I admire you for posting on here for all of us to read. Yes, we are here for you, but you are teaching so many of us Army SO's what we have to look forward to, and showing us good ways of handling post-deployments.

Keep your chin up, hon. You deserve all the hugs, well wishes, and if I had your address all the chocolates and fuzzy socks I could send (fuzzy socks always make me happy when I'm down).

We're here, hon, when you need us most...we've got your back, we are your shoulder. Thanks for being our rock.

~Tiffany

This is one of those side effects of war that people don't really talk about. I am not an expert and would never claim to be, but from what I have witnessed with the handful of friends I have who have dealt with this kind of thing post-deployment, it does get better with time. A month really isn't that long to be home after being gone for almost two years. As long as he wants to get back to the way he was before, even if he doesn't think he can do it, there is always hope. It will never be exactly the same, but it can be better. If he gives up on himself there is nothing you can do and then it comes down to either choosing to get to know the new him, or deciding you don't want to stay with him since he isn't the man you married. I have friends that have done both.

If nothing else, I hope he continues to talk to you! I think that is the best thing he could do. Great sign that he wants to at least make you understand, so he does care about you. Even if he is having trouble feeling the way he did before.

Leftie, just wondering how you and your boy are holding up. I'm sorry my thoughts are with you.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted here in detail of their experience. You have no idea how much this helps me and I am sure everyone else on here who reads the posts. This is my first deployment and first experience with someone in the military. I have learned so much from this site and now from this thread. This gives me an idea of what to expect when he comes home and how each situation and experience differs. I talked to my man last the end of August and our convo was kind of weird like this, we had no communication for 8 months and although he replied "of course" when I asked if he thinks about me, when I said "I still want a chance with you" "I cant wait to see you again" and I asked him "dont you want that"? he said "I guess", and I said "I guess"?? and then he said "yes, yes" LOL well that little "I guess" has bothered me so much ever since August when we last talked. But reading these posts have helped me so much not to read into that too much. I think he is just in "military mode" and is trying to keep focused and like someone said on here, if that is what he needs to do to keep him safe then I am all for it. Thanks again to all for being so open in sharing your experience you have no idea how much it helps us all.

Elena

I wish I had the answers to that. I will say that my DH is out of the military (since February), and he still hasn't unpacked his seabag. I've tried to ask him about it, but he won't give me a straight answer, I always get the run around about it.

I suffer from PTSD (obviously not war/military related), so I can totally sympathize with what you and your husband are having to deal with.

Many many :hugs for you!

I wish I had the answers to that. I will say that my DH is out of the military (since February), and he still hasn't unpacked his seabag. I've tried to ask him about it, but he won't give me a straight answer, I always get the run around about it.

I suffer from PTSD (obviously not war/military related), so I can totally sympathize with what you and your husband are having to deal with.

Many many :hugs for you!


It's strange.. It's November now, and that bag is still packed. I shoved it into his closet because I grew tired of looking at it.... The only disturbing experience that I've had recently was the whole "haircut" thing I posted about last week... It was hard to look at, and I'm finding that it's REALLY hard for me to keep my mouth shut.

I'm just too curious to let some things go. I really wanted to know what happened to his scalp, because I was curious. I think he hides alot of things from me because he's afraid it's going to scare me, or make me cry. I think he still has a hard time looking at me and not seeing his little pink princess...

I guess I've changed as well.

It's strange.. It's November now, and that bag is still packed. I shoved it into his closet because I grew tired of looking at it.... The only disturbing experience that I've had recently was the whole "haircut" thing I posted about last week... It was hard to look at, and I'm finding that it's REALLY hard for me to keep my mouth shut.

I'm just too curious to let some things go. I really wanted to know what happened to his scalp, because I was curious. I think he hides alot of things from me because he's afraid it's going to scare me, or make me cry. I think he still has a hard time looking at me and not seeing his little pink princess...

I guess I've changed as well.

I also put my husband's seabag in the back of our closet...its sitting in the very back of the closet, and I have been very tempted to unpack it myself, but I don't know how my DH would react to that.

I don't remember reading your post about the haircut thing. But based on all your previous posts about him, I definitely would say that he suffers from PTSD and is experiencing a severe wide range of emotions right now.

Being seperated from your husband for 2 years would definitely change you. I imagine you've grown in ways you would never have expected before.

There's nothing wrong with being curious about what he's thinking, feeling, about what he had to experience over there. That's a perfectly natural reaction - you are his wife, you want to understand why he's behaving the way he is and help him as much as possible.

I hope with time that he will be more open with you. He needs to talk about whatever happened to him over there, otherwise its just going to continue eating him up inside.

With me, I re-live the traumatic experience that caused me to suffer from PTSD, over and over and over in my head, almost on a daily basis. I feel like I just shutdown mentally, emotionally, I get angry, moody, etc. PTSD affects so many aspects of your life, it has changed me and I doubt I will ever be even remotely close to the way I was before. I hope that made sense.

Again, lots of :hugs to you.

My boyfriend has PTSD and it is so hard to understand. He isolates his self and stays at his dads house. He never wants to talk about it because it does not want me to worry or no the trauma he has been through. It is hard because you want to be there for him but in the end you have no choice but to give them space. I tried pushing him and that made it so much more worse.

my husband spent time in the desert and he said that everybody changes when they are there and you dont even realize its happening. Anybody who has spent that amount of time over there should definitly go to counseling. My dh had pts when he came home and it took a while before he finally gave in to going to counseling. I dont know if it ever goes away but its gotten alot better.It got to the point where I couldnt handle it anymore and I was serioiusly about to pack my shit and go. When he thought I was really leaving him he ran to get help. I would love to think that he can talk to me about anything and everything but there are somethings that he just couldnt tell me. Everybody handles it different.. all the signs of pts arent the same. when he first came home he wore this green pack thing around his neck that held his ID. OMG he wore it everywhere and hed carry his money in it and we'd go somewhere and hed go to pay for it and he would have it stuffed down the neck of his shirts and he'd pull it out and pay for stuff. It took a while but he was finally able to lay it down and put it away.. but it took about 2 or 3 months. Other than that though he was very very sensitive to things and would just blow up over the smallest things, and he had anxiety he either couldnt sleep or he wouldnt want to get up. I really really really hope yours gets counseling.. and I also think it would be a good thing for you to go too. Maybe " family" counseling. Maybe he'd go for family counseling and then maybe he would consider personal counseling after a few sessions. Mine didnt want to go to counseling because he said " he didnt have a problem and everything was fine" thats not what he says today.. so he is glad he went in the end.